another update on Terry

I came home from the hospital knowing I had things to do and get done in the roughly two hour time frame until I would return back up there, but to be honest, I was exhausted, emotionally drained and ready to just break down and cry.  I sent the update out for the day by email, and then decided to put my cell phone on silent and crawl under the covers and take a 30minute nap, which I exactly did...and am so glad I did.  I got some food at Panda Express on my way to the hospital. I got there right before 7pm, but they would not let me take it in with me.  I ate a bit and then stuffed it in the locker with the rest of my things and went in to see Terry.  He had showered and had clean clothes on that Jeff had brought to him earlier when we were there.  He was tired and a bit withdrawn.  He said he was dealing with hallucinations and they had to give him a shot a little bit before I got there.  I think that was making him a bit more tired so he drank lots of water to help clear his brain.  We visited, some small talk and some serious.  He wasn't opening up too much.  Mom called to talk to Terry while I was talking to him and he took the call but didn't talk long.  While he was gone, one of the ladies that is in there as a patient stopped and told me she hoped he would make it. I warmly told her that I hoped so too.  She told me he had beat her at a game of checkers and that gave me the idea that when he came back maybe we could play that since he wasn't talking too much.  He had told me I could go since he was tired and Uncle Tom hadnt come, but I told him no, I was going to stay until the session ended unless Uncle Tom came then I would leave.  Well, he brightened up at the thought of playing a game of checkers, so we did.  He beat me at our first game and we were not far into our second when Uncle Tom arrived about 7:45pm.  We moved from the community room where the checkers were to the spot we have been sitting and visiting in.  In some ways, this whole process reminds me of a prison.  Anyways, Uncle Tom shared some thoughts and recommendations to Terry regarding my parents, his life as a child and what he wants to see for him now.  While we were talking Uncle Tom mentioned Jeff was out in the hall waiting.  Terry got a surprised look on his face and said "Again?" and had tears in his eyes.  I left at 8pm so that Jeff could have the last 15minutes with him with Uncle Tom.  I got to the baby shower for Tracy's "two peas in a pod" late but felt I should spend the time with Terry that they allow us since its such a narrow window.

This process has been an emotional rollercoaster.  How to help someone who sees things many times really clearly, then can turn and be so cold and firm in a decision is amazing...yet difficult in so many ways!  Please continue to pray that I will know how to be supportive and helpful in the roll as his sister, friend and fellow christian.

another update on Terry

I attended family counseling today at 3pm at the hospital with the therapist, Jeff and Terry.  Jeff arrived as quickly as he could after getting stopped by the police for them misreading his inspection sticker with it being current and him not thinking it was and then the train delayed him even more in Crowley.  It was an hour long session.  When you have no watch to keep track of the time and no clock in the room, its really hard to know if you are on track with time or not.  The therapist asked Terry questions, us questions, things were discussed & referenced to his childhood, what brought him to Texas, what he has done since he has been here and what his plans are from here.  Terry was pretty much in the same mood he was last night: calm, talkative enough to carry on a conversation, but still determined that he doesn't want to live and his life has a bleek outlook.  The therapist said she believes he is being honest and not hiding anything.  She believes it will be his choice, but with this being his 6th attempt at suicide she is not sure we can change his attitude in how it is bent.  She said we are doing all we can other than to be with him 100% of the time, which she said is not really possible and still will not prevent this happening again.  She didn't have any recommendations to us at this time other than to keep doing what we know to do and are doing.  She said she can tell he has a great support system and believes we need to keep praying.  She said no matter the outcome, we can not feel guilty for his choices.  In ways it was  good time, and in other ways sad, as it confirms what we have felt was the simple truth, Terry doesn't want to be here on earth.  After counseling, I left as Russell was there to visit Terry and he had a few minutes with him.  Warren also came and had some time with Terry.  Jeff came out and so I went back it, but it was right at the time they were saying that visiting hurs were over.  Our paperwork said it was 4 - 5pm, but its really only 4 - 4.45pm...it was wrong the nurse told me.  So I told Terry goodbye and that I would plan then to come up at 7pm and see him again since I didn't visit with him other than in the counseling session.

I have 6 followers on my blog now!!!

you probably think me crazy...but its okay, I probably am!  I have six friends following me on my blog now.  Yah, I am way behind some of my other blogging friends both in the number of friends/followers I have, lets not mention all the many other aspects of my blog that are lacking, even though I have been blogging a really long time, even longer than some of them newbies, but I guess they have had time to figure out all the cool ways to get your friends to follow you, probably have way better, awesome, great intriguing and interesting posts, plus they enjoy keeping up with the latest blog information and know things about MckLinky and what not that I don't...maybe someday I will have that kind of time, for now, I count my blessings...I have two more new friends!

another update on Terry

Tonight was my first time to get to visit with Terry in his new unit on the Behavior Health floor.  Jeff also was there to visit with him.  You have to lock all your belongings (cell phone, keys, sun glasses, purse, etc) up in a locker and take the key with you.  Anything you bring in has to be checked at the desk and "approved", i.e. Daniel Sollenberger had bought a nice set of fancy pencils and spiral bound drawing notebook.  He was not allowed the pencils because they were too long and not allowed the notebook because it was spiral, so we ripped out some paper and they gave him short 3" stubby pencils with no eraser.  I had written him a letter (which you can read an earlier post here on the blog) and the 5 verses I wrote out on 4x6 cards (also on an earlier post) and gave them to him when I saw him.  Everyone is in sock feet as they are not allowed shoe laces, belts, etc. He was calmer and not arguementative, but still doesn't believe that he deserves to live and doesn't want to be on any medications.  Jeff talked with him asked him if he was aware of what would happen if he didn't remain cooperative...Terry said yes, move him somewhere else...Jeff said yes, somewhere you really don't want to go, where the REALLY CRAZY people go. Jeff read a little bit from I Peter 3 and Psalms 103.  He told him he should draw how much he has been forgiven.  While we were visiting, Paul Moore came by.  Jeff went out so that Paul could have some time with him and I could stay as there are only 2 of us allowed in at a time.  After a bit, I got up and left so that Jeff could come back in.  Paul left 5minutes before the end of the session and I got a few more minutes with him.  I will be attending the family counseling session tomorrow and then be there for the visitation at 4pm for an hour. 

5 verses for you Terry

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for the Lord God goes with you...He will never leave you.  Deuteronomy 31:6


Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.  John 8:32


Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, for He will abundantly pardon.  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.  Isaiah 55:7&8


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13



I have told Terry several times that he needs to pick 5 verses that will strengthen and encourage him in his battles...verses to help him fight the thoughts that invade and consume his mind...that he might be able to combat the lies and find hope in the truth. He has been studying all aspects of the word, which I have felt has overwhelmed him, so I am now picking 5 verses to give to him tonight when I see him to help him achieve this. I will probably prepare another 5 for my next visit because it was hard to just narrow to these.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

Misty,

===== forwarded your last e-mail to me since it was a lot of details to remember to tell me.

I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you (and Terry) throughout the day and I want to encourage you in the Lord. Also, I appreciate you giving of yourself and your time to be a help to him, even when he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

Being on the giving end of things is where the Lord wants us to be. You are a good example to us.

Take care,
Your christian brother,
====

Dear Terry

I love you very much!  If I could only get you to understand how much.  God loves you even more than I do...He has forgiven all your sins and made each day a new day that you can start over fresh, clean and impowered thru His strength.  I know life has been very hard for you, has dealt you some tough things, and has been a great challenge and overwhelming in many ways.  I know that you are discouraged and don't feel you have any hope in this life.  Please know that I will be here for you, I will help you and encourage you through everything.  You have great potential and can do so much with your life.  Don't give up!  Please don't!!! 

With many thoughts, prayers, love and hugs,

Misty

another update on Terry

The social worker for Terry at the Behavior Health Unit in the hospital called me this morning and wanted to talk to me and ask me some questions regarding his situation.  We talked for about17minutes.  She wanted me to know that so far Terry is not cooperating this morning and wants to go "ama" (against medical advice).  She is not sure what the outcome will be at this time or where things will go from here.  He was admitted to the Behavior Health Program on a voluntary basis.  If he changes his agreement to that, that will change what they do with him.   She said they want him to be there 3-5days and to get him stable and adjust his medications. I made sure she was aware that we want him to receive all the help he can and confirmed with her that I will be there in the one hour and fifteen minute timeframe that I am allowed to come and visit him each day.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

You’re such a good sister! Hang in there, girl. I know it has to be so hard, but the Lord will give you the strength to love and help Terry.

I’m continually praying for both of you.

With much love and a hug!

another update on Terry

When I arrived tonight to see Terry, the nurse would not let me in because there were already two people in the room.  They had not done this with me before, so I was a bit shocked at her persistence even though I am family.  I think it might be because we pushed our luck with 5 of us in the room last night when we were doing the legal paperwork.  :) 

Mark & Bev were visiting, so Bev came out and she & I visited a bit in the hallway.  Mark came out a little bit later as the doctor wanted to talk to Terry.  After the doctor finished his talk with Terry, he came out and informed me that he has given the clearance for Terry to be moved from the CICVU to the Behavioral Health floor.  He said he had his physiatric evaluation today which went good.  When I asked for an update, he said he would refer to that doctor to give me his assessment but that he would recommed Terry be put through a program.  I then visited with Terry for about 10-15min while they finished preparing to get him transferred.  He didn't have lunch but did eat dinner.  He said Weymen Zelder had been by along with Russell Ross and Daniel Sollenberger over the lunch period.  Mark, Bev & I went with Terry to the third floor to get him settled.  We were only allowed in thru part of the process, the explanation part & paperwork process along with an explanation of the visitation process and rules. The nurse informed us that most people are there 3-5days as it is a transitional phase to the next step.It is much more restrictive on how they do things then even ICU.  You must have his ID# to be allowed in to see him or to even talk to them over the phone.  There is one hour and fifteen minutes a day Monday - Friday that he can have visitors, only two at a time and the nurse said they will not let more than two in period.  Saturday and Sunday there is a one hour period and the same hour and fifteen minutes of the weekday slot.  I don't think Terry was really thrilled about having to stay in the hospital but I think its the best thing for him right now.  It will be 24hours before I can see him again and I will continue to try to update everyone on where things are.

another update on Terry

I went to see Terry on my way to work and arrived about 08:20am.  Jeff was there and the two of them were visiting.  Terry was more alert and awake, but his demeanor was not as pleasant as it was last night.  He didn't want to eat breakfast, expressed he still doesn't want to live, he has no hope, doesn't deserve to be treated well, blames himself for everything, etc.  Jeff tried to help with the areas that he needs to overcome truth with the lies he is believing, but it was met with resistance.  Jeff left about 30min after I arrived and I stayed another 45min.  I had a meeting scheduled over lunch with my client and knew I would not be able to make it back so I decided to stay and to visit a bit more with him and go into work late.  By the time I left I had convinced him to eat half of his breakfast even though he said it was not very tasty.  We read two different passages while I was there, Isaiah 55 and Proverbs 30, as he requested me to read. 

another update on Terry

I saw Terry tonight along with Tom & JoLinda. He was sitting up in bed and did not have oxygen on at all, very good sign. He said he was hungry and they said he could have more hot broth, but no solid foods yet. He was talking more and much more alert. We got Power of Attorney paperwork completed. Sylvia Woodall notarized the form. Michelle & Uncle Tom were witnesses. Uncle Tom had quite a bit of time with him while we waited in the waiting room area. We left the hospital about 9.30pm and went to IHOP as none of us had eaten dinner yet. He is to have his physiatric evaluation tomorrow and after that they should move him to the 3rd floor to that division, hopefully sometime tomorrow.

Thanks for all your continued prayers. I am still doing well, but beginning to be exhausted, hopefully a bit more sleep will do the trick.

another update on Terry

I went to the hospital at lunch and spent 90minutes with Terry.  He was asleep when I got there, but woke up and started visiting.  The ventilator had been removed and his voice was very raspy.  He was very hungry and had his first meal, liquids that consisted of: cranberry juice, lemonade, a boost drink, chicken broth, and jello.  He did well.  We chatted most the time, some of what he said made sense, some of it didn't.  He was still groggy from his medications.  He confirmed that Mom was the last person he talked to.  He talked to Mindy at 8pm Sunday night, me at 8.15pm and then Mom.  He had informed both Mom & Mindy that he was depressed and didn't want to live and really wanted to die.  He did not tell me this when he called.  His call was short and just to let me know that he was tired and was going to bed and hoped I had a good week at work.  I told him I hoped he did too and that we would get together later in the week.  We will know more about his mental state as the day wears on.  He did not remember me being there this morning, but I would expect that.

another update on Terry

I was at the hospital this morning, 8am-8.50am.  Sylvia Woodall met me up there and Jeff arrived while the doctor was talking to us. They were waking Terry up and going to draw blood after he stayed awak for awhile (an hour or so) and make sure his lungs were functioning the way they should be and that his oxygen levels stayed good with the goal to have him breathe on his own. He was frustrated at wanting to try to talk but with the ventilator in his mouth, he couldn't.  We got a piece of paper and held it for him to try and write us messages.  He wrote words on top of words and his writing at times was very hard to read, but we did our best to make things out.  He got tears in his eyes when I told him I loved him, that he was going to make it and that I wanted him to succeed.  The doctor said his pupils are good, vital signs are good, organs are functioning and things seem to be progressing nicely.   One of his doctors stressed very strongly that Terry needs lots of help.  I am aware of this and so are others,  I do not think any of us are ignorant of that fact nor are we opposed to the help they can give him. Though the Lord is who Terry needs the most, I do think the doctors need to get him stablized on medications and therapy. I will go back at lunch.

another update on Terry

I contacted my Granma Omi to update her on the situation of things and then went up to the hospital at the time of visiting hours, 8pm tonight. He opened his eyes in a dazzed sense and moved his head towards me but did not focus on me. Nelson &Shirley King went with me and we stayed about 20minutes. I talked to him a little bit trying to just register that I was there. 

I then went to Jeff's to read the letter that he left us (the family).

I appreciate the love, care, concern and prayers...Please keep all involved in your prayers that we have wisdom to know how to help and what to do from here.

another update on Terry

I went up to the hospital again at lunch but she had just given him some more medicine so I didn't talk to him. She said he will be there at least a few days. On my way back from the hospital to work I notified Mindy of what had happened and where things stood as of now.  Terry has had a few visitors, but of course he will not remember them.

another update on Terry

Jeff stopped by the hospital and then my work about 11am to give me an update. He said Terry nodded when he talked to him and he was pretty sure that he recognized his voice though he didn't do anything other than flutter his eyelids. The nurse asked him to squeeze his hand but he didn't. It will take more time for him to waken up and for us to know his progress. He is thrashing quite violently.

another update on Terry

I went to the hospital on my way to work to see him this morning about 8.45am.  Judy Lane met me there to be of support. He was unresponsive to me. Russell Ross had already been there and left him a note with verses on the bulletin board. I went thru Terry's belongings (let me spare you what I went thru and confirmed the fact that I could not be a nurse) in the "personal belongings bag" to try to see if I could find his cell phone and if it would power on to see who the last person was he talked to.  It was dead and would not power on.

Quotes

A journey of a thousand miles begins within a single step.
~ Chinese Proverb

some sad news on Terry

It is late, almost midnight to be exact, but I can't sleep...therefore I decided to update my blog...an update on my brother...be prepared, this is sad news.

Terry has been living here in Texas 5 months, nearly to the day.  He was found laying on his side on the floor in his bedroom overdosed tonight about 7.30-8pm. He probably had been there all day, we are not for sure. He was unresponsive, no medication bottles around, dressed in his clothes, with notes left to Jeff and Mom & Dad & Sisters. It was an obvious attempt at suicide, we just don't know with what. His PCP was called and so was 911. The paramedics started pumping his stomach immediately and he was taken to a local hospital. I did not go up there as it was not recommended I do because of his state. There is nothing I can do until he wakes up...if he does. They are unsure if he has brain damage, either from falling, or lack of oxygen. This will be told after more tests and time. It could take a couple days to know more.

I am fine. I have not cried, yet. I am sure I will...but right now, I am holding up pretty well, just trying to put everything in perspective...what could I have done differently?  what could I have said? what could I have done? what is it going to take for him to realize that he is loved and has such great potential?  He has been having a few tough weeks, so in many ways this is not a surprise. My heart achs for him to live differently, but according to his doctor, he may never be able to after having messed with some of the drugs he has messed with that really mess up your mind. Doctor says he probably has not been taking his medicine like he should have been and this might be one of the reasons that he has been acting the way he has. Its hard to know. You don't want to give him an excuse, neither do you want him to have an "out" for being angry, but if he needs the medicine you want him to take it. Its hard place to be in. If he doesn't make it, it might be the best thing for him...he will be HOME with our Heavenly Father!

I will update my blog as I have time....in the meantime, please pray for him...and me that I will have the wisdom to know how to help him if he survives.  Thank you my friends!

Quotes

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
~ unknown