my story from LiveBIG Conference

This week, I have shared with you on the blog my notes from the LiveBIG Conference I attended in Salt Lake City (technically Sandy).  I have also shared with you many of the nuggets and takeaways and my personal story at this event. I have more...and over the next few weeks, I want to visit a few things and elaborate on them, but in posts that are not so lengthy so you are able to digest them more and maybe we can even have a dialogue about it.

I have gotten a few questions that some of you that are my blogging followers and readers might have had too and so I am going to list them and do my best to answer them:

• Why are you sharing your experience of LiveBIG on the blog?

Not everyone is going to have the ability to attend a LiveBIG Event like I did, even though I can tell you that if you did, you would not regret it.  Some of you may want to but life is not going to let you because you have families, work, or other activities that prevent you from going and doing what you want.  I have my own limitations that at times make me unable to do all the things I want to do and each of us have to decide what that is and how to work around it.  Some of you may not even want to attend, but you are curious about it.  Regardless, we are not able to learn all the things in life we want to learn and if something I share could encourage you or help you on your journey, this is my hearts desire.  

I want to grow.  I want to be different.  I want to be better.  I want to change.  I want to believe a new belief system.  I want to encourage.  I want to support.  I want to make a difference.  I want my life to have meaning.  I want to LiveBIG.  This means that I will share my journey with you.  Even if it is hard.  Even if it includes ugly parts of My Story that make you cry, that bring pain, that are difficult, I will still share.

• Don't you think by being this vulnerable on your blog is risky?

Life has risk.  If you always live in the boundaries of small and safe you will never experience more.  Being vulnerable isn't comfortable.  Being open about all your junk, crap, or s***, whichever term you want to use (each speaker at LiveBIG had their own word and used it) takes courage.  Your junk might be easy for me...my junk might be easy for you, but we both have walked in different shoes and had different journeys that have lead us down different paths.  We have had our own life experiences that have created meaning, definitions and beliefs that we live in.  In order for us to not continue in those same patterns, we have to be willing to be open to change.  In order to change, we have to be vulnerable.  

I have always lived with courage and I will continue to do so.  I am more determined than ever to use the tools I was shown at the LiveBIG Conference and rewrite my story, make my life what I want it to be, and live even bigger for My God!  The more you learn to love you for you, the more you will be comfortable with being vulnerable.  The only reason you hold back from being vulnerable is because you are hiding behind your shadow and can't embrace it.  Not everyone can.  I understand that.  But I also believe you can, if you want to.  I believe you will gain the strength to face your lies and replace them with truth when you look them in the eyes.  I have been told for years I share too much on my blog.  That will not stop me.  I believe by sharing our journey with each other we create power, show forth love and inspire others to have courage.

• What has made you decide to open up and share your story?

Last year was a big year in my journey as I faced an encounter with a client that made me see I needed help.  Through this experience I faced things I had never expected to face with memories, feelings, emotions and trauma that I thought had been resolved and was at peace with.  My delving into my past, it made me discover and learn that I had a story and that my story mattered.  When I worked through professional counseling to work past my fears in talking about my story, I realized that it needed to be taken to another level and that is where my purpose to write a book sharing my story came from.  I realized that I only could share my story when asked and I kept the details in an overview type setting, not the emotional, intense level it was experienced at.  For fear that if you knew the truth of my life what you would think of me?  For fear that the pain, challenges and ugly experiences I faced would cause you pain in your life.  For fear that when you learned the truth of my life, you would shove me out just like everyone else has done in my life.  I have tried to leave my story behind and press on running the race as God has called us to do, focus on just being different, asking God to give me the courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know what I couldn't change as the serenity prayer states. I have lived with the purpose to be loving and generous despite how I have been treated and how I continue to be treated.  I have seen too many people be angry and take the things they have faced and become bitter, hurtful people.  I have tried to live this in every way possible in my entire life, but in reality, deep in my heart was pain that was shoved down that never was allowed to heal for fear of not being accepted, not being loved, not believed, not mattering, not worthy.  

God has been bringing people and situations in my life to help me work through my junk and rewrite my story.  The level of growth in my life in one year has been absolutely amazing!!!  I anticipate the results of Professional Counseling, my Life Plan Coaching and this LiveBIG Conference to create some incredible results in me this year.  I know that the stories of others that I have read and personally know of give me courage to continue on my courageous journey and I am praying that by sharing mine, it does the same for you.  

I want you to live with courage and learn to love deeper, to be inspired to be more than you are now, to LiveBIG!

Counseling Session #19

I didn't do well at my homework.  I seem to be stuck.  

My counselor asked me questions.  What was the hardest part of writing your story?  She is amazed at how I did it and stated most people can not do what I did in all aspects of remembering, writing, reading, and hearing the story.  I am not surprised.  I was determined to do this, even though it was one of the hardest things I have EVER done.  

We discussed the reactions to my story by others.  The things I still question.  The need for validation and reassurance.  The steps to read, acknowledge and accept my story.  The steps to grieving my childhood.

Homework:  

• Write a review of what I got out of telling my story.  [Worst Part.  Best Part.  What didn't I get out of it that I had hoped to?  How I felt?  How I relate to my family?  Myself?
• Write 2 or 3 personal goals since writing my story.

Counseling Session #18

Today we reviewed the plan.  Plan is to: 

• Touch the pain
• Deal with the hurt
• Put the past in perspective

What I have accomplished:

• I am embracing my story.
• I am recognizing behaviors and hurts I still carry with me.

New Goal:

• Write about life since then.  Include struggles, triumphs, challenges, and [family] issues.

Counseling Session #17

I went to counseling, frustrated with myself, as I had not done my homework, yet again.  My counselor decided we would do it together, during today's session.

I made a list of Negative Characteristics of my Dad.

I made a list of Negative Characteristics of my Mom.

I made a list of Positive Characteristics of my Dad.

I made a list of Positive Characteristics of my Mom.

I then made a statement of What I wanted and needed most as a child was:

I reviewed and described Positive Events and my Feelings and Reactions to them.

I reviewed and described Negative Events and my Feelings and Reactions to them.

Assessment:

• I always go to blaming myself.  My counselor questioned me, is that rational?
• I am not the reason my parents treated me this way, but I continue to feel and believe that.
• My counselor reminded me yet again how abnormal my home life was.  This is very hard to accept.

Counseling Session #16

I didn't do any homework.

I didn't write any more of my story.

I simply made it through the week.  Still working on removing stress.

Today, I was told that I have made significant changes.  I need to realize these.  I don't give myself credit.  I need to focus on all I have accomplished.  I have embraced my story, and told it in the 1st person (which most people can't and won't do)...

I will try to do more story writing this week.  But my heart, at the moment, is not in it.

Counseling Session #15

I am not getting anywhere.  

I have no motivation to move to the next part of my story.  And I can't figure out why.

Today I was reminded to:

• write down thoughts
• work through feelings
• look back and connect the emotions and realize it doesn't have influence in your life

We discussed the stresses in my life.  We discussed the need to balance the stress with Healthy Coping to rejuvenate and refresh me:

boundaries ~ enforce them, don't feel the need to get involved, to protect yourself, be intentional about your nutrition, take time to sleep, take care of you physically, decompress, knit for 15 min each day along with brain candy reading

balance ~ stick to deadlines, create stopping points, set time with girlfriends, put what can be on the back burner

Focus On:

• Stressors and Self Care!
• Choose not to stress about it...
• God commands us to REST

Counseling Session #14

After all the events the last few days with God's work in my life, I was feeling almost nervous and anxious as to what to expect in counseling today.

Can I take anything more?  

It's not that I am not grateful, beyond words, thankful for God's direction in my life.  I am.  It's just a bit overwhelming right now all the ways he is sending me messages to remind me: you.are.enough

I am stuck writing my story.  

I am stuck trying to implement what I am learning.

I am overwhelmed at the things I am learning.

I am confused at trying to get all this to work.

Counseling was about this...

nuggets from "No Longer"

I am being blog away once again by My God...again today.  If yesterday wasn't enough, He was over the top today.  His hand in my life, how He is aligning events and His timing is absolutely amazing!!!  

I am overwhelmed!!!!!!!  Truly overwhelmed.

The gratitude I have for Him is ENORMOUS!!!  I can't believe Him.  The last few days have been magnificent.  He loves me.  Truly loves me.  He demonstrates He Loves Me.  He keeps His word.  He is too awesome!!!  

My journey lately has been incredible!  I hope that I can convey everything on the blog because all I can do is get chill bumps and stand in awe.

This year has been a hard one.  And yet, at the same time, it has been an incredible one. 

God is working in my life.  Working deep.  He is tearing down the foundation of Misty.  He is taking it and reforming it.  The process hurts.  It is exposing.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  Vulnerable in a way I have ever felt before.  It is bringing feelings to the surface, feelings that I have tried to cover with just "pressing on, leaving those things behind".  It is shedding light on what needs work.  It is causing a wide range of emotions.  From deep difficulties to exuberant elation.  It is teaching me to learn from the details.  It is making me patient with myself, something I have not ever been.  I can be patient, loving, caring and supportive of others, but can't be of me.  It is growing me so much so that I now have developed growing pains.  A pain so severe that it is affecting every aspect of my life.  

It is making people stop and go, what is going on in your life?  I see God at work. I see your faith being strengthened.  It is making me have hope.  It is making me excited to see his work in you.  It makes me thrilled for you.  You have faced so much.  I believe he is going to be working great things in your life.

Yes, God is working in my life friend.  In my heart, I believe more changes are coming.  I believe we haven't begun to see what His plan is.  Some days I question Him and wonder why but the last few days, all I can do is step back and reflect at how amazing He works.

I attended the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast today with Ashley, one of my employees, and daughter of a friend of my girlfriend, Jennifer.  I woke up with the congestion of sickness worse than the day before.  My fever blister hurting.  Feeling washed out.  It is so hard to get enthusiastic when you feel like crud.  My heart wanted to be encouraged and learn, and at the same time my body said really must you do this to me again?  

As Beth Moore got started, I wasn't feeling the Spirit.  I prayed, Lord help me to receive today what you have for me today and what I need to hear.  

I texted two prayer warriors asking for them to pray too.  30 minutes into it, I was overwhelmed.  God had lessons for me.  Lessons I needed just right now, today, in my journey.

You see, I started professional counseling June 3rd.  I was determined to get through the hardest part of my story before my trip to Franklin, TN for Life Plan Coaching with Chris LoCurto and to not have to revisit that part of My Story when I returned.  I had a girlfriend say: Why do you do this to yourself?  Why don't you just let it flow as it should with counseling?  Why do you always set these goals for yourself?  I shrugged and replied, I don't know, I am always like this.  

God knew I am like this, but he also knew that I needed to be to that part in My Story or I would not have been able to do the coaching sessions that week because it involved a very dynamic part of my personal life, not just business.  

God also knew that I would come home from that time, refreshed, with a heart extremely thankful for the time I had in Franklin, ready to refocus on where He is taking me in my journey, resume counseling as I continue to work through telling My Story, and yet overwhelmed by the two days spent deeply learning more about me, feeling frustrated at how I continue to feel like I am not good enough and that I am a complete disappointment to you; desiring desperately to feel good enough, to think I am good enough, to believe I am good enough; and wanting to be thoroughly done with feeling, thinking, and believing I am NOT good enough.  

Despite the progress I have made in my life, I struggle to get past how to work through these feelings that happen without me even thinking about them.  These feelings are to the core of my being.

God knew, not even two weeks later, I would need to hear "No Longer" by Beth Moore.  God planned this message for me so that I would hear loud and clear:

God is NOT disappointed!!! 

God knew that though I had gotten a clear picture and vision of how I struggle to feel good enough, particularly very strongly in my Life Plan Coaching Session, that I would still be struggling to know how to break that feeling and be frustrated at learning to enforce and reinforce that I am enough.  I.Am.Good.Enough.  I must believe that I am good enough. The power to change this mode of operating is within me, with the strength from God because He has made me enough. Good enough.

God wanted Beth Moore to say and me to hear:  

Jesus still wants you! 

And when she did, that I would break down sobbing, utterly lose it, right there in a midst of over a hundred ladies, right next to my employee, right here and now today.  Nobody's wanted me, but awwwhhhhh, God wants me. 

God knew Beth Moore's Old Man Object Lesson would be used to have me see right before my eyes that I am dragging around the "Not Good Enough Old Man".  That my identity of not being good enough has been my belief foundation for so long that I am still letting it control me.  That though I understand it conceptually in my brain, it still is what is in my heart.  I haven't changed my belief system.  Yes, I have faced the lie and though I have buried it, I am still visiting that cemetery.  That I need to clearly understand I am No Longer The Same.  I am no longer not good enough.

Seeing God at work like this in my life the way He has been, only has me amazed.  

My God is Amazing!!!

Ashley & I
together at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast 2013

Nugget #1:  Jesus has done something monumentally fantastic in your life!  You are not a constant disappointment. 

Nugget #2:  Believe who I say I am.  Believe you are who I say you are.

Nugget #3:  Jesus still wants me!

Counseling Session #13

I have had nearly a two week break in counseling.  Is that possible?  The calendar says it is.  It doesn't feel like it.

Not sure what we accomplished today.  In some ways it was a "lite day".  

I shared with her how amazed I am at how God works.  I could not have done my Life Plan Coaching with Chris LoCurto if I had not started counseling June 3rd.  Not a chance. I would not have been ready to delve into "me" the way we needed to to be effective and profitable of the time.  I am not going to tell you that that was an easy process, but I will tell you I would do it again in a heartbeat, as costly as it was.  I don't spend money quickly or easily, especially on myself.

Reviewed the sibling drama from my vacation.  She asked to read the text messages.  She could not finish them.  She said Misty, this is just too much.  Do you realize this?  Do you see the manipulation?  The control?  Clearly?  I told her I did...

And then I walk away and wonder how I put up with this if she can't even read it?  

I showed her the postcard sent to me and my sister by Mom in care of a local minister from The Assembly, who then mailed to me...letting me know the house next door was for sale if I/we wanted to move home.  [I shredded it when I got home.]

Ugh.  No.  That is not home.  I have a home...a nice home...a place that is called home and feels like home more than my childhood ever did.

I thought I had provided her copies of my Dad's letter and my letter...regardless, she got copies today.  I can tell she had thoughts but she didn't share them, which I know means discussion is coming later.

We will resume my story next week.

comfort in the midst of pain

Whenever you face strong moments of grief and pain, you have to find ways to get through it.  I share some of mine from the last few weeks.


lyrics from Hold On by Toby Mac:
Let a brand new day wash over you, wanna see you smiling girl...So baby hold on, just another day or two...To the One's that holding you!


text from a girlfriend:
You are awesome!!! And I love you and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you!!!  [yes, this produced tears...I have a really hard time being told I am awesome, I feel anything but]


words from my business attorney on a post on my FB Page:
Misty is such a seeker of the word and she shares her struggles and thoughts with her friends to help us with our own faith. She is a great friend and encourager. 



lyrics from One Desire by Kari Jobe:
in your presence Lord, I will find my strength, you're the breath in me, you're my everything, with my heart bowed low and my hands held high...you're my one desire!
[this song speaks my heart so well right now because GOD is my ONE DESIRE...]


an FB message from a friend who nominated me for an award and she wanted me to know what she said [it is supposed to be a surprise if I win - so I promised I would be]:

I really could have nominated Misty for all three categories. She's just that good!

On a professional level, she is hardworking, professional, and takes extreme pride in making sure that her work is done accurately and to the satisfaction of her clients.

Misty has been a personal inspiration to me both as a friend and as a business owner. We've have spent many hours together discussing business, and she has taught me a lot about what it takes to be a successful business owner. And, as busy as she is running her business, she always takes time out to help her friends and to network to help other people's businesses thrive. Her spirit of generosity and giving is contagious!

But I mainly nominated Misty for her spiritual influence. I knew when I met Misty that we were both Christ-followers, and I liked that about her. This year, Misty has been going through a personal journey that has led her to place her trust solely in God, and to understand that no matter what the circumstances, He is using her to be a light to other people and an inspiration. And she is an inspiration to all who have the pleasure of calling her a friend!

quote from Donald Miller:
I've rarely experienced a set back that didn't prove to be a pruning bearing more fruit in the end. It almost always works that way.

a post requesting for prayer and the number of comments made and prayer petitions by my prayer warriors...

an email from my counselor:  
I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I have been thinking about you throughout the week and when your name comes across my thoughts, I just begin praying for you.  I know how hard this part is and I just pray that God opens the door for healing in a way that you have not felt or known before.  You are amazingly strong.  You are working through something that many many women would not dare to out of fear. You have stared fear in the face and have not backed down.  Amazing! Hang in there and know that I'm here and will continue to pray for you!
Blessings

reflections on the song The Hurt & The Healer and graphics the way it was done at the  Women of Faith conference by Mercy Me...

my unfailing love for you will not be shaken - Isaiah 54:10

...and more, these are just a few of the ways God has used people in my life to encourage, support and help me during difficult days.

Counseling Session #12

We finished the most horrific part of My Story.  The story of when I was 17 is over!!!  

Through telling My Story, I am learning that what I experienced has truly shaped me, my personality, my expectations, my fears, my hopes, my outlook on life - God - people - business, my friendships and relationship, has created my determination, has affected me dramatically in who I am today, why I think the way I do, why I react the way I do, why I am who I am...why I have trust issues.

Through it, I am learning that the more I accept it as My Story, not allowing myself to shove it away by trying to make it a separate person from me, not avoiding the pain that is in My Story, I am enabled to live more completely.  

I never would have dreamed I wasn't accepting of My Story, but through this process, that's what I have learned.

I am learning by being vulnerable in a way I have never been before, I can face and accept the truth of my life, not the lies.  I can be bold and call it what it was, because God does.  It was abuse.  Full fledge horrific ugly abuse.  It was rape.

The source of all pain is the avoidance of legitimate pain. - Layne

Counseling Session #11

Before my session today, I texted several of my prayer warrrior's and said: 
Can you please pray for me?  

I also posted on Facebook asking: 
Can I ask you to please pray for me? Today is going to be a challenging day.

We are at the hardest part of my story.  The part that is gut wrenching more than anything else in my life.  The part of my story that nobody has ever heard all the details on, details that to this day I can remember vividly, very vividly.  Details that are so very hard to talk write about, talk about, hear read to me, let alone discuss.  I had written 5 pages since my last session...we made it through half of it today, and I wished I didn't have to listen.  

This was so hard!!!

I had written most of what I presented today, two weeks ago after Counseling Session #9, the days before my Woman of Faith Conference.  Now you know why the nuggets the opening night were so incredibly moving to me and why I knew God had a message just for me...because I was struggling at feeling my story mattered.  Now you know why one of the speakers, Christine Cain, the story she shared and her message to us ladies rocked my world.  God's timing is amazing!!!  I was in the middle of writing this part of my story before attending that event and it was used in my life to inspire me to continue to write.

After learning more of my story, my counselor told me that most people are not going to be able to understand or relate to the pain I know.  They are not going to relate to a life with no options.  This hurts me.  I want people to understand.  I don't want to be considered different.  Some people will be able to relate part of my story with not being cared about or invested in, because they have experienced this.  

In spite of my story, my counselor shared the following [and some other things that I can't share on the blog] and reminded me:

• You did not let this stop you...you choose not to be a victim.
• What you faced has made you have a stronger relationship with God.
• You relate to real hurting people in a way others cannot.
• You continue to keep going.
• You are the biggest encourager to other people.
• You have extreme courage.
• You are amazing. [ugh if she only know how I desperately I don't feel so amazing!!!]
• You stand up and take your pain.
• You could have turned into your mother.
• You could have chosen to live on disability like your brother [though she believes without having ever met him he has a reason to be to some degree].
• You could have turned against God.
• You could have hated his people because of what happened.
• You could have gotten bitter.
• You could have been a hermit.
• You could have been a million things you are not.
• God will never wastes an opportunity. [And I was reminded of this this morning during the walk at the track with one of my favorite songs Nothing Wasted by Jason Gray.] 
• What happened to you was not good, but it has good.  Romans 8:28.  Ephesians 3:20.
• God's not done with you!

The goal this week is to touch the pain and grieve it.  Feeling sorry for yourself is a lifestyle, but grieving is stating what happened was horrible and I wish it could have been different.  

I also have to do more homework, continuing to tell my story, because it is not over...I pray that there will only be a few more weeks of this gut wrenching pain because it is making me sick.

I fear telling m y s t o r y

This post isn't going to be easy.  This post is going to take courage to write.  No doubt you will learn a side of me through this post you have not seen before because I am going to be vulnerable, in writing my thoughts.

You may remember that I had an incident with a client back in March 2013.  As I stated then, this rocked my world in a way I never dreamed possible.  I dealt with it and did my best to move forward through the emotional mess it created in me, through the nightmares that followed, through the feelings of being back in my childhood with no way out, through the memories I wished I could forget, through the heartache and pain that the situation brought.  I continued to persevere.  Until I realized, I needed help to work through this.  I needed healing.  This began my search for a counselor.  I found one and then it got put on hold because she went into the hospital for pregnancy complications.  I began the process of professional therapy June 3rd.

I shared why I wanted counseling and what I wanted to get out of counseling and what I didn't want counseling to be.  I am not doing counseling for a venting session or to hear myself talk.  I am not doing counseling to be told it is okay to feel the way I feel or that my feelings are justified or that what I experienced was horrible or any other common comment.  I am definitely not doing counseling to prove a point.  I am doing counseling because I have been told by many people over the last 16 years that I should do it and that I would find it helpful, but the only thing that launched me truly doing this was something I never expected to experience with a client who paid for my services.  This was a stark shock of reality to me and I wasn't prepared to have to deal with feelings, memories or nightmares from events in my childhood.  I thought I had worked through things, I thought I had "moved on" if you will.  But the realization came clearly that I hadn't to the degree I needed to.  I now want to move past this as much as I can to let the things I have experienced be used in my life as God wants them to be and not hold me back from growing and blossoming more into the woman God has called me to be! 

I get asked, "How long will you do counseling?"  The answer is, "I don't know."  And if you want to know, I am not trying to figure that out either.  When its been enough, I will know.

I get told, "I bet is helpful to tell your story."  The truthful and honest answer is, "I don't feel that it has helped anything yet."

I get told, "I am sure with time it gets easier."  The answer is, "In reality, each session has gotten harder, not easier, though some sessions have been harder than others."

I get told, "I bet it is comforting to know that what you went through in your counselor's eyes is awful."  The answer is, "No, that truly is not comforting.  I know it was awful, you don't have to tell me it was, I remember very vividly how awful!  If you only know how much I want to forget."

Each week I have things to think about following my session.  Each week I have homework to complete, sometimes more than one assignment, but I always have the ongoing assignment of writing out my story.  As I prepare for each session I have to wade through the memories that flood my mind and heart as I write out my story.  It is a process to do this.  I then have to face the reality of the situation, seeing the words that have been written out, in plain black and white ink.  I have to face the truth told right before my eyes, I can't pretend its a dream.  I can't ignore it, it stares right back at me.  Each session I then have to face sitting down and presenting my homework to my counselor in which she then reads my story to me, sometimes she asks questions, sometimes we discuss  a point further, sometimes she tries to get me to talk more about my story then I have written.  As I hear her read my story, it is very hard to believe sometimes that all this was my life.  Its hard to swallow the details.  Its hard to believe this isn't someone else's nightmare.  

Who would want to read this story?  Who would care the results of this story?  Who would believe this story?

Each week I have to face my fears and continue on my mission to tell my story.  The more I continue on this mission, the more I find and feel that fear is increased, more fear than I anticipated having.  How can this be?  What can I be afraid of?  Why does fear take over the feelings I have of wanting to be healed?  Why does the reality of my situation create such fear in me?  The details haven't changed.  The facts remain.  The truth is now being told.  How can I dispel the fear?  What can I do to make it go away?  

If I only knew.

Counseling Session #10

We discussed the nuggets of my Woman Of Faith Conference in Oklahoma City this weekend.  Particularly, the lines from the World Vision video on Friday Night that gripped my heart so hard, tears were flowing down my face as I had the realization that God had a message He wants me to clearly receive and understand completely:

Our stories are powerful.

God speaks to us through our stories.

The choices we make write our stories.

How powerful will your story be?

Allow God to be the bridge for the hurt and pain to connect people.

My counselor is getting really perceptive about me.  Kinda scary.  Kinda exciting.  

In today's session, we are working through my fears of telling my story.  I don't feel my story matters.  I believe I have a story, that's not what I question, I just don't feel important.  When I have shared bits of my story, I get reactions out of people that are hard to face, hard to accept, hard to deal with.  I dread telling more of my story.  

My counselor doesn't believe I have fear, she has only seen a courageous spirit from me.  I believe I am courageous, but not without fear.  Maybe fear is the wrong word?  I don't care what word you use, there is something there, preventing me from feeling I have freedom in telling my story and I believe that I need to figure out why so that I can move past it and face whatever it is.

She reminded me the following:

Your story matters because that's the path God put you down.  Right now telling my story is agony, but with time it will become easier. Your story will touch you the rest of your life.

I will be making a list of the fears I have in telling my story.  I am determined to not quit.

Counseling Session #9

I know better than to procrastinate.  Procrastination at its finest, is never a good thing.  It never makes something easier.  Yet I continue to do that with my homework between counseling sessions.  

I am not sure why I do this.  I really don't.  This isn't me, I am a person who likes to tackle projects, the feeling of accomplishment is very rewarding, and I have no intentions of quitting.  I intend to tell my story, every gut wrenching piece of it.  I intend to do exactly what my parents forbade me to do, discuss what went on in our home, every blasted detail.  Yup, I do.  

So, why do I keep doing this?

I got home from my day yesterday and knew that I needed to do my homework.  I went to my office, opened the laptop, pulled up the document and tried to write.  Nothing came.  My heart wasn't in it.  I had had a great day...but now, my mood changed.  I didn't want to do this.  I decided I wouldn't. I would not force myself to do what I normally would do and make it happen.  I would go to bed and sleep.

I woke up a little after 5am with the startling realization that I needed to do my homework and continue to write my story. I didn't dread it, but wasn't really looking forward to it either.  I prayed.  I asked God for strength to continue to write.  For strength to face what I didn't want to do.  For strength to continue on a journey that I will be courageous on!  For a journey that I know He has a plan about.  For a journey that He has given me!  Thoughts started coming about what to write.  I crawled out of bed and wrote for almost an hour and a half.  

Anxiety started to take over.  I started to dread my appointment.  Seeing the words that were written out on paper is a hard thing.  I decided to hit the track.  The first song on my Pandora app was Nothing is Wasted by Jason Gray.   Awwwhhhhh, God was listening to me.  I walked hard.  I prayed hard.  I heard more music about God's Love for me.  Just as I was about to jump in the shower, a girlfriend texted me that she was praying for me.  Another awwwhhhhh!

Counseling was tough.  Just as I anticipated it being because we are getting deep into the heart of my story.  My counselor asked if I was okay.  [Just so you know, I hate to tell you I am not okay.  It kills me inside to admit I can't do something, I am a failure, I will not tell you this and thus I will avoid telling you that I am not okay.]  With tears streaming down my face I nodded.  She said Misty, you're not, are you?  I told her, "I refuse to state I am not okay.  I can't change my story!  I can't change what happened, what was said, what was done, what my life was.  So then why do I dread telling my story?  Why is this so hard for me?  Why do I have guilt telling my story?  I get my parents told me to never ever share or tell my story, but its doesn't change the truth.  Not one bit of it."  She said, yes, but you know your parents did not ever want you to tell and you remember those conversations, you know they do not approve of you telling and that is going to be in your heart no matter how you want to proceed.

Again, she is right.

At one point she told me:  "You realize that no matter how you tell the truth of your story, some people are flat out not going to believe it."  

Yes, I know.  People have a hard time facing the truth of ugly stories.  I probably would be shunned for my horrible story.  People would not believe I was telling the truth.  Family would only condemn me more.  Friends would use it to say, see, we knew you were from a crazy home - you are going to be just "like her".  

Yes, I know.  More than you realize.  I face these thoughts.  It's tough.  If you only knew, how tough.

I still am going to tell the truth of my story, regardless of what you think of me.  My end goal is to write a book, not because I have anything profound to share but because I want to encourage everyone to live a courageous journey.  Regardless if you believe me.  I know its the truth.  And God helping me, I will get through the rest of this gut wrenching part of my story because it is killing me.  This is tougher than you can imagine, and I think for some reason, I thought I could tell my story in 3rd person and it would be easier.  How naive of me.  

The knot in my stomach is bad and it is affecting my appetite.  It's been this way now for a few weeks and now, the results of that is showing.  I am losing weight.  The clothes I bought in February and March aren't looking so good.  I am down 8 pounds from the last time I was at the doctors office.  I simply am just not hungry even though I am not skipping meals [outside of the meal before counseling] and many times I will drink a shake to make sure I get protein and have a meal but there is not the normal "live to eat" appetite.  I pick at my food, I get full really fast or disinterested quickly.  This is not me.  I realize its a page in this chapter, hopefully not a full chapter in my current story.  

I am trying to be patient with myself.  

I am trying to work through the emotions and thoughts that swarm at you, because it is unbelievable.  I never dreamed things that happened to me nearly 20 years ago or more would or could create such feelings in me. 

I am trying to think of all this as God would.  

As I left the session today, I got into my car to run an errand and head to my home office to work with an employee.  The song Need You Now by Plumb was the song that came on. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart bled.  My eyes spilled tears, hard tears.  I need God.  I need strength to face this time in my life.

"Everybody's got a story to tell...And everybody's got a wound to be healed.  I want to believe there's beauty here...I'm trying to hear that still small voice.  God, I need you now!"

Once again, God used music to speak to me.  This song has been one used more than once in my life.  The last few months.  I pray for more strength to face this time in my life.

Counseling Session #8

The Courageous Journey to tell my story continues.

My counselor is proud of me. [Wish I felt this way about myself.] She believes I have covered a bunch in a short amount of time and is very pleased.  She is absolutely amazed by me.  [I feel anything but amazing.]  She wishes all her clients had my perspective. [A healthy attitude in facing the pain.]

She began our session with telling me one thing.  She prefaced that rarely, if ever, does she recommend this, as she feels that all relationships have the ability to stay connected to some degree, with a card once or twice a year, 6 phone calls a year as long as this, this and this are not discussed, healthy boundaries are set to a relationship, and love can be shown and people are not afraid to say "I Love You".  However, she let me know very clearly and plainly, that the more she hears me tell my story and I relate what I experienced, she doesn't believe this fits me and wants me to understand that she doesn't feel I can have or should have a relationship with my Mom.  

She then explained why.

It made sense.  Perfect sense.  

Though I must be honest that I did not expect this recommendation from her.  I get a lot of comments from others, that if I just tried to love my Mom more, if I had really forgiven her, things would be different or could be different.  As one who wants to unconditionally love everyone just as My Jesus Loves Me, I want to make sure I am doing just that.  One of my aims is to be a true friend and supporter to all people I connect with, and this would include my Mom.

In all honesty, this blows me away to some degree because she knows how much in just 8 sessions???  She knows enough to make that determination.  She understands patterns, behaviors, people, relationships, God, on a level differently than me.  I must trust this.

We discussed the voices in your head.  She encouraged me to stop and question them...to ask is this what God wants for me? 

Redirect your thoughts...Whisper His Name...Thank Him and Ask Him for Direction.

Reminder for this weeks homework: You are coming up on the hardest part of your story. [Yes, I know this, I am very aware of this, unfortunately.]

If you kindly would please pray that I don't procrastinate through my homework and continue through the toughest years of my life story, I would appreciate it blogging friend.  I am continuing to reflect on the words in the song History by Matthew West, a song that I heard on Pandora during my daily walk around the track on Sunday.

Counseling Session #7

Trying to tell you story without crying is pretty hard.  I have never been a crier.  Crying wasn't allowed growing up and always brought more punishment, so you learned to stuff it.  You learned to hide it all with a pretense that all was okay.  Somehow though I have never done this well because I am easily read like a book.  However, working through this process of telling my story, it's nearly impossible not to cry.

I am a numbers chic.  I love time lines.  I have tried to tell my story to my counselor in a chronological format.  Today she asked a question, that made me jump ahead to age 17.  And then after I answered that, it made her put down my homework and ask something else.  She then said, you do know that this is anything but normal, right?  I shook my head in acknowledgment, tears streaming down my face.  I couldn't look at her.  I couldn't face the truth that this wasn't normal.  She said, do you really?  I confirmed, yes, I do.

But do I?  No.  There is no way for me to relate to normal.  This was my normal, a common standard of expectation out of life.  I don't care how often or how much you tell me that this was not normal, it was MY normal.  I am now working through redefining the word normal to learn a new normal, a new standard of expectation out of life.

We resumed talking.  The conversation got worse.  I told her I no longer can try to only tell you the details in chronological order, I am going to answer your questions as you want clarification, which means we will go all over the map.  I told her that I was sorry, that there is too much that relates and has to be explained because it is intertwined.  Its time that I help her truly understand the situation for what it is, for what it was.

I told more of My Story. 

Her eyes welled up with tears.  She fought them back.  She swallowed hard.  She bit her lip.  I kept talking.  I quit looking at her.  I stared at the corner attempting to avoid seeing her try to control the emotions that make someone wanna go flat out mad. 

She said "These rules are killing me Misty.  What were children to be, servants?"

She finally couldn't hold back, she cried. 

I cried harder.

I don't believe I have ever cried so many heart felt tears in my entire life. This is an extremely gut wrenching process. Making my counselor cry today, was not in my plans. Telling my whole complete nightmare of a story is beyond the most difficult thing I have ever done in my LIFE! You might disagree, but it is today!!!  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.

The takeaway from today's session is to hang onto the qualities that came out of these situations and to remember that what I went through has shaped me to be who I am [you are shaped into who you will be typically by age 6].

Homework continues: Write your story.  Added assignment, make a list of the positive things that have developed since September 1997.

‪#‎courageousjourney‬ ‪#‎GodsPlan‬ ‪#‎beingauthentic‬ ‪#‎notgonnaquit

Counseling Session #6

I read my blog post about what I am facing through counseling with my counselor today.  Her words were: "That is paramount! If only all of my clients kept that focus in life Misty.  If only, I always kept that focus in life."

We are continuing to work through telling my story, while dealing with drama from my Mom in the midst of this.  My counselor continues to shake her head in disbelief.  She continues to let me know this is not "normal" but it was "my normal". 

open journal: things I am facing through counseling

If you are my friend or blogging follower, you know that I share a bunch about me, the hard core personal stuff some people keep hidden deep inside the walls of their heart and mind.  I get mocked frequently for putting things on my blog that "I can't believe you have the guts to do"...or..."you really share more than I think is healthy"...or...numerous other comments.

I continue to share.  You don't have to agree.  You don't have to like it.  You don't have to read.  I don't have my blog for followers, I have my blog because I like to write and I want to keep a journal of my life and the Courageous Journey I am on.  I want to encourage you to have faith through the dark times.  To fight when you want to give up.  You can choose to participate and share in my journey, or you can jump off.  Please, there is no need for you to feel obligated.

I started Professional Counseling the first Monday in June.  The process has been in some ways as I anticipated it would be, challenging, gut wrenching and has made me relive moments that I wish I could forever forget.  What I did not expect was that it would at times make me an emotional mess.  Some of this was expected as I had been told by every counselor that I interviewed with and from others who have done this process that it gets harder before it gets better.  No amount of mental preparation gets you ready for harder.  

How much harder was an aspect I had not expected to face.  As one who is very goal oriented [sometimes to a fault as I don't stop and smell the roses] I am typically not a procrastinator [in general, though I have things I prefer to put off until it has to be done], I find doing my homework between sessions challenging and put this off.  Largely because I easily get back into the feeling and mood of my childhood.  And once there, I can't seem to shake it.  I know no other words to describe it than to say I get in a funk.  Though I try desperately to distance myself from the feelings that overcome me, I can't.  I find it really hard to "explain" things and answer questions like "why" when in many ways I don't know why.  It was just the way it was, how do you explain why?  

Things that I thought were normal, very routine and everyone faced, I am realizing the stark reality that my childhood was extremely messed up.  I think a part of me was hoping that through counseling my fears of this reality would have been resolved.  I also feel hearing myself tell this story means I am admitting this fact and that crushes me.  I wish I could explain why.  I can't.  

Knowing my parents forbid me to ever discuss my childhood doesn't make it any easier.  

I can't change my story...my childhood...what I faced.  So why do I fear telling it?  Why am I afraid?  What is causing my fear?  What makes me feel you are going to look down on me?  What makes me ashamed of being an overcomer through what I faced?  Why do I feel that my story doesn't matter?

I am hoping with time I understand why I feel like this.  I hope with time I can not feel the way I do...but as I approach 6 weeks of this, I know I have got some hard work ahead of me!  Today I have made a list of reasons to keep me going...  

• I will not quit.
• I will not give up.  
• I will not loose heart.  
• I will not give in.  
• I will not succumb.  
• I will not be discouraged.  
• I will not be sad.  
• I will fight.
• I will prosper.  
• I will be victorious.
• I will be diligent to stay focused on the end goal.
• No matter what my past story is...God is with me and I am a Princess of The King!
• My motto to Seize The Day and live a Courageous Journey will continue to be my theme!

What will I learn from this process?  God only knows.  

What is the goal in counseling?  The goal is to write my story as it actually happened with the end goal to rewrite my story with the truth of my life's story God's way.  I have to keep that picture as the focus of what I am trying to achieve to not loose heart.  This is what fuels me forward.  This is what I will focus on.  I can't focus on each session or my homework.  

Counseling Session #5

I don't know how long I will do counseling...or how long I will blog about my sessions, but for now, I want to see the progress and keep myself motivated with moving through this gut wrenching project.

Today I learned:

• Nothing wrong with setting pretty strict boundaries.  Jesus did.  
• My counselor was very proud of how I responded to my Mom, truthful but not hateful.  She was amazed at my guts in the text messages last week, especially two parts.  One, to tell my Mom I love her.  Two, to list all the items I listed that occurred in my childhood and confront her with this.  She loves that I share God's Word with her without quoting scripture.