psalm 61:2

sadness over the situation in Newton CT

My heart was already heavy this morning with other thoughts...the fact that people think its okay to take their anger out on others and punish others for their unhappiness, frustration, disappointments, grief, is truly very selfish! May those facing this horrific experience be comforted by God and others who can show love.

is it a lack of trust?

Do you ever wonder if you are making a decision simply out of fear?  Or if the lack of making a decision is based off how you see or don't see things?  Or a lack of trust in God that He will provide?  He will answer?  He will guide?  He will direct your path?

I am learning that I don't always know the answer to this.  

Sometimes I don't "feel" afraid.  Sometimes I don't "feel" that I am not trusting.  Sometimes I clearly don't know what the decision should be and feel it could go either way and God will support me.  But yet when an answer is not clear and doesn't seem to come, it makes me wonder.  Am I afraid?  Am I not trusting?  This I am learning though, I can still pray:  Lord if I have fear, please help me to have courage...if I am not trusting, let me believe and have faith in You!...God please help me know what is your excellent way so that I may be developed into the person you want me to be.  

So you say, this is a good concept, but what are you referring to?  

I have a client who I have worked with since December 2010.  I obtained this client through a networking connection of a lady of a physician who was retiring and this provider was working for them and planning on purchasing the practice.  The provider seemed nice, but truly was a bit of an air head [one of my employees calls quirky], and wasn't ready for being an Entrepreneur.  

Each time you begin a new client relationship, you have to learn each other.  Learn what their preferences are.  Learn what things they want you to do and how they want them to be done.  Learn their communication style.  In order to learn, you  have to communicate. In order to learn, you have to be willing to change and adapt to the client because you are there to serve them.

I have wanted to assist in all ways and have tried to learn, communicate, change, adapt, and be open to different ways of doing things.  However, I feel I have been beating my head against the wall for 2 years and am at a point now, that I have to re-evaluate this clients relationship.  I have tried to figure out what this physician wants, the communication style [or technically the lack there of], and how to achieve a better working relationship.  I have requested meetings every other month to address issues and by doing them outside of normal business hours, getting the client to focus on resolving problems and making decisions to hopefully work through these things.  I had hoped that as time went on, the client would learn me, see my work and that the stresses of owning a new practice and being an Entrepreneur would decrease and improve.  

They haven't.  

The client continues to swear at me each and every time I bring in bills to be paid.  This week, the client told me sarcastically to go through the phone book and write each person a check for $100 until all the funds were gone.  I said, "Excuse me, what will this accomplish?"  The response, "When there is no more money, there is no more money."  I took a deep breath, waited, waited some more, and then put my hand on the clients arm and said, "Are you sure you are fit to be an Entrepreneur?  A sole proprietor business owner?  Are you sure this is for you?"  The response, "No, I am not sure, but I have made it two years."  The client continues to ignore emails and text messages and gives me excuses as to why there is no time to respond...or complains that I send way too many, yet if I don't keep them informed on every detail accuses me.  The client gets irritated when it is time for an estimated tax payment to be made, payroll taxes are deducted, equipment quits working, government rules and regulations change, and constantly feels people are out to get them, etc.  The use of profanity is like it is every day language, and the immediate attitude is to storm off or get fuming mad; ultimately, a very short fuse.  The client has to take monthly anger management classes due to issues of domestic violence in the past and a situation with a divorce, so this is a known problem.

I had hoped by now that the client would have learned that I will do anything and everything to help and therefore swearing at me and taking your frustrations out on me is not necessary or productive.  Time has passed but things have not changed.  Yes, the profanity and stresses go through times of being worse then others, but the overall demeanor of the office has not changed.  I actually dread going to the office because of the verbal abuse, lack of decision making, lack of communication, lack of information, lack of adherence to rules and regulations, lack of desire to change, lack of support to decisions and things I do, lack of respect, lack of concern for issues, etc.  

This week I was so greatly bothered by the outbursts and language that I texted my client:

"I do not like it when you get mad. I don't like it when you swear. I am not used to either and not sure how long I can take it.  I had hoped it would get better and with time and working with me you would not swear when I bring bills, when things don't go as you wish, etc.  I work very hard for you, want you to succeed, but am not sure I can take this.  It eats me up.  It's very difficult.  I feel you are never happy with what I do.  You never like the office situation.  I don't know what more to do.  I understand that life has its moments of being too much.  I feel that way at times, however I think there are plenty of words in the English language to use without profanity to make a point."

The response: "Then I guess you may have to quit, don't know what to say to that otherwise, sorry. You take it personally, sorry, not meant that way, we may not be compatible, I really don't know.  I have a business, stresses, doctor stresses are enough.  It all boils over sometimes."

I am at a point now that I am facing the hard facts, my client has no intentions of being different.  This is not the first time I have communicated that I don't like it when profanity is used and anger is taken out on me, it just has been several months since I did so.  I don't want this type of working relationship and I have determined that I believe that I need to re-evaluate this clients arrangement.  But in order to decide what I feel I should do from here,  I have to face the questions I started this post out with.

Am I afraid to make a decision based off of fear?  Fear that if I fire this client their business will fail.  Fear that they will go out of business because of me.  [This client won't take on these tasks and currently has nobody else to do them, and I doubt would even attempt to replace me.]  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the financial impact to me.  [They are one of my top 3 clients.]  Fear that another client may not renew a contract and if I fire this one, I am only hurting myself.  Fear of what the staff will face if I fire this client.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear that maybe I don't see the big picture of what God wants from me in this situation.  Fear that maybe I am supposed to be learning something from this situation and maybe I haven't learned.  Fear of being torn as to what the right decision is. Fear of what this ongoing stress is doing to my body.

Or is it a lack of trust?  Lack of trust that God will provide, just as He has since I lost my full time job in August 2010.  Lack of trust that God will answer because He knows all things.  Lack of trust that God will guide me in this decision.  Lack of trust that God will direct me in knowing what to do with this client.

In working with another client this week, one that is the complete opposite, I shared what I was dealing with and that I potentially am considering firing a client and why.  This client was very surprised that I have been putting up with this type of behavior and expressed concern, along with the fact that they were sorry I was having to deal with these things.  Their assessment, with very little information, was that this client seems to be that of a surgeon mentality, one that thinks that they can say and do whatever they want with no consequence.  The analogy was a perfect one and one I had not thought of, but have experienced the mentality of surgeons in previous working environments, and it fits entirely.  

The conversation has stuck with me and I have reflected on the point several times.  Once again, made my heat sore in thankfulness.  Thankful for this client and the fact that God has allowed me to have a client [and for that matter nearly all employers - though I have had some great bossses] that is a complete opposite of any that I have ever worked for in nearly 17 years [March 2013 will be 17 years] of being in this industry.  I have deep gratitude for the people God puts in your path to assist you with your journey.  

I am not sure if I am acting out of fear or out of lack of trust.  I do know I have lots of thoughts and at the moment they seem to be a balled up mess...and I have lots of questions:

Do I wish to continue to be treated like this?
Do I wish to try to decrease my involvement with this client and let my employees handle everything that they can so I don't have to face this?
Do I want my employees to have to deal with this treatment?
Do I want a client who is not on board with me?

I must remember...
There is no fear in love.  [I John 4:18] NIV
God is the author of order not confusion. [I Corinthians 14:33] KJV
If you don't have all the wisdom needed for this journey, ask God. [James 1:5] The Voice

I request your prayers for me.  

Prayers that I will not have fear.  Prayers that I will trust God's perfect plan.  Prayers that I have wisdom.

romans 5:3

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.

~ Romans 5:3, NLT

my new JustBe purse!

absolutely LUV my Just Be Purses that arrived today!!!
the most I have ever spent on a purse [3x's as much]...but it's just my style! 
so gonna love this...

Quotes

It doesn’t matter how accurate you are if you are aiming at the wrong goal.
- Seven Days in Utopia

how do mother's do it?

Last Night, I was on call all night for a software vendor of a client who was installing an update to an EHR program.  They require when this is performed after normal office hours that they have someone they can reach by phone.  This person was designated to be me.  I set my ringer to the lowest setting.  I activated the setting that tells you who is calling as the call comes in so if it wasn't one I needed I could swipe the phone to ignore it.  I turned off all other settings for emails, text messages and like alerts and reminders to avoid being disturbed all night long.  The project got started at 11.30pm.  The first call was at 3.30am.  Then 4.am, 5.45am and 6.00am...at this point I decided to get up and get ready and head to the office because I wasn't sleeping and the issues they were having really needed someone onsite to get them completed.

As I got ready at the hotel to head in, I wondered how mother's do it?  They get up at all hours of the night.  They never know when their sleep is going to be interrupted.  How do they do this?  How do doctor's do it when they are on call?  They never know when a phone call is going to come in or how many they will get a night?  

I have found I do not go back to sleep.  I wondered, is this a learned pattern of sleeping that you train yourself for?  I don't know, but I know that I got a LARGE cup of coffee from McDonald's to make it through my day...and I know that being on call during my normal sleep hours isn't something I want to add to my portfolio!

fixing my heart...

psalm 86:11

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. 
- Psalm 86:11

36th Birthday Celebrations...1 month later

This client has never remembered my birthday...until this year.  I went to their office to notarize documents and charts to be sent off for the bimonthly Medical Board Review, and guess what they surprised me with???  Yup...Cupcakes!  They sang to me too, one month to the day from my Birthday.  Sweet!

Client bought me Red Velvet and Chocolate Cupcakes with this AWESOME Cream Cheese Frosting
I ate half a Red Velvet one and half a Chocolate one...totally not on my diet, but delicious!

released from Jury Duty

Yipppeeeee...no Jury Duty! They had more than enough people, a completely full house, so I was released. Now I can get to work and plan the rest of my week.

Jury Duty

Today, my work schedule will be different. I have Jury Duty.  I called Friday night to the automated system and the sessions were not canceled, so I must show up.  Will I get picked?  Who knows.  My business attorney told me that it is amazing how many cases finally have decisions made when they know that the jury is sitting in the next room.  She said for some reason it create a pressure that people respond to.  Though our system is not  flawless it is better than many and we need to be grateful for it.  If you were someone who had a case going before a judge, you would want willing jurors on it to serve.  

I served November 2005 for 2 days, though the whole process took 3 days.  I am hoping that the Court House has WiFi so I can work and get a few things done, but if not, I will have my knitting and a book with me.  

Quotes

Today I shall not try to defend the faith, but illustrate it.
- E. Stanley Jones

psalm 138:8

The Lord will work out his plans for my life— for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.
- Psalm 138:8

finished a few projects

I have been very behind this year on staying on top of Baby Gifts, Wedding Gifts, and Birthday gifts.  In an effort to get a little bit caught up, I spent a good portion of this past Holiday Weekend working on completing a few...here are pictures of two:

full view of Emilyne's Baby Blanket for Monika James

close up view of Emilyne's Baby Blanket

the Baby Blanket wrapped with crocheted ribbon trim...
[the pattern is a lace knit]

Liam's Baby Blanket for Sydney Brown

the Baby Blanket all wrapped up...
[the pattern is the dishcloth pattern, just extra big]

CHECK OUT the giveaway!!!

My second cousin, a talented lady of The Virginia House, is giving a giveaway since she has reached 1000 followers...can you imagine?  We were roomies for 3.5 years...and beyond being related, we know each other pretty well, who wouldn't by living in a two story, 800sq ft cottage with one bathroom???  She has such great ideas with a theme of "We Can Do It Cheaper" along with having been presented in various magazines, it is amazing!  

Go check out the giveaway The Virginia House Giveaway!

Quotes

Your problem isn't the problem. Your reaction is the problem.
- Seven Days in Utopia

Thanksgiving 2012

This year I joined a lady and her family from my Woman's Bible Study group.  [We are doing a bible study of Beth Moore's called Breaking Free.]

There were 8 of us, Jim & Miki, their daughter Amanda and her 9 year old son Tristen [her husband was working at the fire department], their son Jonathan, and both of their mothers [Vernita and Dot].  

As we begin to enjoy our time together, we gathered in the kitchen and joined hands in a circle and Jim opened in prayer.  It was a little after noon when we began our feast with all the typical foods: Turkey, Ham, Mashed Potatoes, Stuffing, Sweet Potatoe Casserole, Green Bean Casserole, Broccoli Salad, Cranberry Sauce, Rolls, Coconut Cream Pie, Chocolate Cake, and Chocolate Mudd Pie. It was yummmmy!!!  Tristan was so cute, he kept going back for more Spinach Artichoke Dip and said that it was way better than TGI Friday's.  It truly made me laugh.  He has such a cute personality!!! and isn't shy about showing it.    

We visited through lunch and after eating went around the table and each shared one or two or three things we were thankful for.  Jim then shared thoughts from John 21 when the Lord asks Peter if he loves Him, three times and two of those times the Lord says for him to feed His lambs.  They shared their lives, thoughts and faith with me.  It was a great time of sharing and fellowship with them!  It is amazing to spend time with people you hardly know who do not hold back their love for the Lord and desire to share it with you.  You don't have to pry into their lives to find out if they love God, it shows and pours out.  Truly is/was a great experience.  At the close of this time, we joined hands again around the table and Jim closed the time in prayer.  It is hard to explain what this experience was like to me.  

We then moved to the couch and sat and visited the rest of the afternoon.  Amanda browsed through the ads trying to see if she was going to go Black Friday shopping.

The only regret I have on the day is that I didn't take Tristen up on his offer to ride the 4 Wheeler with him.  I should have, even in my dressy black boots! ;)

I came home and let Maggie out [Brent & Jennifer & girls are on a cruise and I am babysitting their dog].  After doing dishes and getting some things together, I went to Brian & Shelley's for the evening.

We sat around in the living room and were lazy and ate leftovers and chatted.  The day was too warm for a fire and hot drinks.  I came home and was in bed by 10.30pm and plan to sleep in and enjoy a day at home tomorrow shredding papers, filing papers, organizing my home office...maybe even list a few items on eBay.

6 week Post Operative Appointment

Today was my 6 week Post Operative Appointment from surgery.  My doctor was pleased with my healing and improvements.  He was grateful that I can tell a difference and don't regret the surgery.  I only regret not having done it sooner!  He stated he could tell a difference in my coloring.  Now the goal is just to get somethings at the right levels to improve body performance with some more adjustments to medications.  Will re-evaluate in January after more bloodwork.  

I am very grateful for the improvements I have had in my health.  Though it is not perfect, I have seen dramatic results.  I have been sick twice now since surgery, probably a combination from still trying to do too much even though I have tried to pace myself and from the fact that my body has been majorly tweaked with hormones that have to be adjusted.  Thankfully the strep test today was negative so I will continue my routine to treat this sinus congestion and head cold.

Quotes

To sustain balance you have to control your emotions.
- Seven Days in Utopia

Quotes

Remember to focus first on your wellbeing. You cannot truly be of service to others if you put your life on the back burner. 
- Write On, Creative Writing Services, LLC