[love]

song ~ how he loves

How He Loves
by David Crowder

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.

Memorial for Dad has been postponed/canceled

I got word today from Terry that the Memorial that was set for my Dad this Friday, February 15th, 2013 at 1pm at Sunset Hills Memorial Park & Mortuary in Apple Valley, CA has been postponed/canceled.  When I asked my brother the reason, he told me it was because Mom found out I was coming.

No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings.  She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed.  And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God.  Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.

My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled.  My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad.  It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away.  This is what made me angry.  It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.  

This is disturbing to me.

On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day.  I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming.  He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth.  I said, what?  He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that.  I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial.  If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one.  There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life.  Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life.  She is not desperate.  She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money.  If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out?  You bet we would!  And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her.  However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even  though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs.  These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.

without God we are nothing

Dad has gone to Heaven!

Thankful that Dad is in a better place! His misery is over.  He is in heaven.  He will suffer no more.  God is loving and merciful to let him go!  

He passed away at 10:10pm last night.  

I am doing good and appreciative of all my friends who have prayed and supported me through this time.

another update on Dad

Not sure what is true in all this, will just report what I have been told and not verified:

Dad was moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility on Tuesday.  He pulled out his feeding tube and was transported to the Hospital for it to be put back in.  Enroute, he had a cardiac arrest.  They revived him and put him on a ventilator.  He is now in the ICU.  They will be removing this as he has a hemorrhage in the brain.  The doctor reported that he doesn't expect him to make it through the night.

Please be in prayer that if this is truly Dad's state that he may go quickly and peacefully.  

listen to God

Dad has been moved

Today, Dad has been moved, by ambulance, out of the Hospital to a Facility near where my parents live.

working through this time and the feelings it brings

I have been facing a gamete of emotions the last few weeks.  

It truly is hard to explain to people who cannot fathom the upbringing and treatment you experienced as a child.  It is hard to put into words the things I am feeling.  Trying to explain to people that yes, though my Dad wrote me a letter to ask for forgiveness, doesn't wipe away all the years of pain, hurt, suffering, comments, actions, or feelings.  These things are apart of me.  They are what I experienced and those things cannot be erased.  The things I faced are what made me who I am.  However, though those things are apart of me, there are aspects where I have grown beyond them, worked through them and know that they weren't right.  But even when you have worked through something, there are still times the questions come, but why?  

I can only tell you I don't have those answers.  I don't believe "because it is a sin cursed earth" is the answer.  There are people who don't experience these things on a sin cursed earth, they experience loving parents who care deeply about them and show them.  I must tell you that though I have been miles and miles and miles away for 15 years and am not in communication or have a relationship with my family, it still only takes just a few minutes to put me back in that zone and I get immensely tense.  It takes sheer will power to think positive thoughts, to fight the negative feelings, to not well up and lash out, it takes holding my breath and praying for God's strength to get through this moment when I feel things I don't want to feel.  In many ways, I regret this, but I have found no way to stop the feelings and found that this is the only way I make it through it.  It is through these continued experiences that I am learning that I only can ask the Lord to help me with the feelings, knowing he understands more than anyone else could or would.  

These times also make me wonder, how well have I truly worked through my childhood?  I don't know.  Will there ever come a time that I will not feel the hurt anymore?  I don't know.  Will there ever be a time that my Mom won't have a hold on me, like she so easily can in just a few seconds?  I don't know.  But I do know this, I will never second guess my move to Texas in September 1997.  That mark on my life was the turning point of a new path that has led me to where I am today and I can only Thank God that I listened and followed where He was leading.  The realization of that makes me increase my faith now, at a time when things seem full of chaos, when I don't understand the events that are happening, when the stirring up of past emotions and events is high, that I truly allow Him to have his perfect work in me and take these things to a new level, let them work for good in my life.  Even if the resolution of the hurt never happens, I know God still understands and he knows that there are things that do still hurt, hurt deeply.  I can try really hard to explain to others, but there is an aspect where they will never truly understand.  This is what gets me through these times when people makes statements and say things that they think I should or shouldn't be doing.  This helps me be loving to them when I feel the comments are not so loving.

Am I willing to go see my Dad?  Yes, I am if there is something I can do for him.  But at this point, Mom has the medical power of attorney and my input into that situation wouldn't be received.  I truly believe that Dad doesn't have any desire or anything to live for [can you blame him???], so what benefit is there to encourage him to hold on?  It isn't like Dad is going to come live with me, I can't make his life better and if I could, Mom wouldn't allow it.  Dad hasn't stood up to Mom for the last 37 years, what would make him do so now?  I am not convinced that my presence will make things better for him.  I do know this, it would create stress in me beyond words.  When you know what you are thought of by your Mom, you know deep down what you would be facing and the feelings it produces in me are not comforting.  From the fact that I have bangs (which I have had since 2009) that she considers to be "wordly", to the clothes I would wear (lots of black which she states is because I have so much sin in my life and not enough gathers/pleats in my skirts to please her modesty guidelines), to the fact my hair is trimmed, to the fact that I am independent lady that is not under any authority of a man (which she despises), that I make money, own my own home, and the list goes on and on and on.  No, none of this is inviting to me. I have prayed asking God to give me direction to help me know if this is what I should do even though I don't want to, because if He does, I will do it.  I have not found that He wants me there.  When that changes, I will go.

Your continued prayers for me, my blog followers, my friends, my sister's in Christ, is deeply appreciated!

too much stress

I thought I was handling all this stress well and trying not to get put back into a zone I left from for a reason...but after 10 days of pain in my jaw (due to evidently clinching my teeth), I have realized I am letting it affect me more than I should.  I saw the dentist on Tuesday and he adjusted my bite to help with the pain and confirmed the muscle in my jaw is swollen.  Over the years, my dentist has told me that I clinch my teeth and may be grinding too.  He has seen improvements over the last few years and I had hoped I was not doing it as much as I used to. I have been learning to focus on what I do and how I respond.  However, it may be time that I have to get a mouth guard and spend the money even though I didn't want to.  Thankfully, it is not an issue TMJ and the joint.

I have never been one to be able to hide my feelings very well, my face shows everything even if my mouth is shut.  I think this can be both a good and bad thing.  I love my clients and hope they can be patient with me through this time.  The fine line of caring and wanting the best for everyone who is not on that same page, and yet deal with the unexplainable motives, thoughts and actions by people who should care the most is tough. 

May God give me the strength, grace and wisdom for this situation. He knows I need Him! Thanks again for the prayers.

psalm 36:5

We cannot grasp His love. "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. {Psalm 36:5}

Have you ever stopped when you see part of God's creation and asked yourself how Man thinks he is so great when he can't create something like this above?  It is a thought I have now and then when I catch a glimpse of God's beauty.  When you truly reflect on how great God is, you realize how small you are!

song ~ the greatness of our God

The Greatness of Our God

By One Sonic Society

Give me eyes to see

More of who You are

May what I behold,

still my anxious heart.

Take what I have known

And break it all apart

For You my God, are Greater still.

And no sky contains,

No doubt restrains,

All You are,

The greatness of our God.

I spend my life to know,

And I'm far from close

To all You are,

The greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see

Beyond this moment here.

To believe that there

Is nothing left to fear.

And that You alone are high above it all.

You my God, are Greater still.

And no sky contains,

No doubt restrains,

All You are,

The greatness of our God.

I spend my life to know,

And I'm far from close

To all You are,

The greatness of our God.

All You are

The Greatness of our God

And there is nothing

That could ever separate us.

There is nothing that can ever

separate us from Your love.

No life, no death, of this I am convinced.

You my God, are Greater still.

No sky contains,

No doubt restrains,

All You are,

The greatness of our God.

I spend my life to know,

And I'm far from close

To all You are,

The greatness of our God.

Granma in the hospital too

My Granma Omi is in the hospital.  She has pneumonia, on top of her pulmonary fibrosis that she has been dealing with for years.  She has made it much longer than anyone thought she would and this is a blessing.  Please pray for Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna.  This is a trying time on top of the situation with my Dad, Dana's brother.

update on Dad

From the information we have received consistenly to date, it appears that Dad has given up on the fight..my prayer is that the state he is in now will be only as long as is necessary and that he can move on to a better place in Heaven!

Quotes

Those who walk with God, always reach their destination.

Dad is still in ICU

I appreciate your ongoing prayers for my Dad and for the situation as he remains in ICU. Due to various reports and ongoing conflicting information between what my Mom is telling others and what the Hospital has confirmed, I do not have any additional information that I am able to report at this time as true facts.  Dad may have had a mini stroke, but he may not have.  There may be a chance that Dad had has a small aneurysm, but again they need to run tests to determine this.  As of now, Mom is not permitting them to do so and the hospital is at the point they are going to have to release Dad if she is not going to let them treat him.  She has Medical Power of Attorney.  What I don't understand is until yesterday, Dad has been coherent and able to converse (according to nursing personnel), so I don't know why she would be allowed to overrule what they need to do on Dad or why he has no say.  However, the report I received today is that he is now not eating and is not responding.  It appears that he may be giving up.  I should know more details later in the day.  

I covet your prayers as I deal with this stressful situation full of drama.  I wish I could explain more.  Please trust that there are reasons I cannot yet.

Know God

Know where you are going, who you are, and why you exist. But above all, know God.
- I Am Second

relax. pray. let go. let God.

update on Dad

My Dad is still in ICU.  They are treating him for a kidney infection. The hospital wants to run more tests, if Mom allows, but at this point she is making things very difficult for the Healthcare Team. Please pray for my Aunts & Uncles that God will give them wisdom with my Mom, that they will be able to be patient when she tries their ever living nerve, and that they will have no guilt for the things they say or do, knowing that I know they are doing their absolute best. My heart goes out to each of them!!!

some of my thoughts

I am beyond grateful for extended family and friends who understand a situation with words I can't express, situations I can't explain, feelings I don't want to talk about, lives that have been separated, memories that can't be erased, deep wounds though time has done some to heal can be easily re-exposed...but are patient, loving, caring, understanding, and even if they don't know all the details of what I am facing or have faced, would do or be something different then I am...they truly want the best for me and for my family...and they will love me and pray for me! WOW!!! You have no idea the feeling this gives to me.

another update on Dad

Dad was moved to ICU last night due to needing to be monitored.  It has been reported that his blood pressure had risen to dangerous levels however I am not sure this is accurate.  Mom went to see him yesterday.