thoughts on friendships

Nope, I am not gonna force a relationship with you. I am sorry, that's not how I work. I have had too many of those and all they do is create pain and frustration. I love you and will always love you! That's the skinny mode simply version. Believe it or not. It's your choice. Not mine.

a relationship with God

launching into Day One of a BIG Project

How can something you want to do, desperately need to do, yet be so difficult?  

When I put a bid on my house January 2007 and became the top winning bidder of 4 bids, I began the enormous project of packing up an 800 sq foot cottage and transporting it in 9 loads to a 1262 sq foot house.  During this, I had little time to sort and cull things, I just moved it all.  As I unpacked, I culled what was trash, got rid of what was junk, and removed things I didn't really need.  I had a HUGE garage sale and made several hundred dollars...several times.  In this process, I could have done even more, but I was afraid to part with things.  The following year, I was determined to get out of debt and July 2008 I started that process and was debt free (other than my house) July 2009.  In doing this, shopping was never an option, I couldn't shop and become debt free and I realized I really had no needs.  The shopping I have done since is window shopping or shopping for things I actually do need to replace items that need to be replaced, no longer work and can't be repaired.  I have wanted to move forward with having less things, but each time I try to do this, it creates deep anxiety because of the amount of money I have spent on this stuff.  I know I don't have junk.  I have nice stuff.  But stuff, lots of stuff, makes you start feeling like all you have is junk, no matter how nice it really is.  In 2010 I lost my job and in trying to find more clients to build my business to the next level to support me fully, I didn't have time to spend on minimizing what I owned.  Yet I have wanted to.  The stuff has sat stored in boxes and clear plastic containers, mostly in the house though there has been a few boxes in the garage, untouched.  In working through some things in my heart and mind, I have come to face the facts that my life is not the life I dreamed of in my childhood.  It is not the life my Mom said I would have.  It is one that holds one person who works lots of hours and simply cannot do lots of various projects and at this time, I do not foresee that picture changing.  I have decided to continue to hold onto these things is putting my frame of mind in an unhappy place.  It is forcing me to continue to live in the what if, the maybe someday, it is a constant reminder of the things I can't do, the life I don't live and the stark reality of the life my friends have.  Simply put, it isn't helping me.  

I have subscribed to a blog call Becoming Minimalist to give me ideas, encouragement, motivation, support and learn more about myself through someone who understands the process.  I haven't been able to read every post, but the ones I can, I do.  Sometimes it has inspired me.  Sometimes it has made me angry.  In the end, I decided I needed to move forward with removing these things out of my life or I am going to continue to feel weighed down by them.  I also realized that I don't believe I have the ability to completely do this on the level it needs to be done and though it caused me emotional grief, I asked for assistance from someone who is good at this.  

Therefore, it is today that I am informing you my friends that I am launching into a really big project.  I am nervous about it.  At the same time I am very anxious about how this is all going to work out!  

My anxiety was not diminishing and I was getting really apprehensive over the day.  I texted one of my prayer warriors requesting prayers for me and this is what she sent me:

Lord, I pray to you that you'll give Misty peace in this project that she will look to you for comfort and come to more fully understand that her true comfort is in you only, change comes from you, and material items can be a source of bondage.  Calm her anxieties and allow her day with Shelley to be a day to encourage one another in you.  Please, Lord, I ask these things in your name. Amen.

Additionally, I posted on Facebook and received comments of encouragement and support through prayer even though I didn't list the details to my project until later in the day when I posted a comment:

How can something you want to do, desperately need to do, yet be so difficult? I am nervous about the day and anxious about how this is all going to work out! Thankful for a friend who generously offered her help. — with Shelley Carroll.

************************************************************************************************************

Shelley and I tackled the remainder of the living room, the kitchen and garage.  I had a big stash already started in the garage, we added the same amount to it.  I am deeply thankful for Shelley's help, for dealing with my questions, my being patient when I held back, for understanding and not condemning my frustrations, for letting me have tears, for trying to understand why I am like this.  I deeply appreciate her generosity and assistance at getting this project under way.  Shelley took a car load home in her sports utility vehicle and there is another car load ready to go.  

I appreciate each of you and your prayers, your encouragement, and your support!  This is the first day at really launching into this and I am far from done.  I am embarking on getting rid of everything in my house that I have two of [unless two is required], everything that is not useful, everything that I don't need, anything that is aimed at a life I don't have or don't live, anything that I no longer use, anything that is not me, anything that just plain needs to go.  This is very hard for me...harder than you know, but I am determined.  2013 is going to be a a great remaking of me!  The goal we are working against is make money and sell all this stuff at a garage sale in two weeks at Pecan Plantation in Granbury selling all this pristine stuff.  I will keep you posted on how it goes.

song ~ words

Words
Hawk Nelson - Words (feat. Bart Millard)
From the album Made

They've made me feel like a prisoner
They've made me feel set free
They've made me feel like a criminal
Made me feel like a king
They've lifted my heart to places I've never been
They've dragged me down back to where I began

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart
Or put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don't want to say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

You can heal the heartache
Speak over the fear
God, your voice is the only thing we need to hear

Words can build us up
Words can break us down
Start a fire in our hearts
Or put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don't want to say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
Let the words I say
Be the sound of Your grace
I don't want to say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

I want to speak Your love
Not just another noise
I want to be Your life
I want to be Your voice

amazing grace sign

If you follow my blog, you know I didn't win a really cute sign from Manual's Benefit Dinner even though I bid on it - however I was given to me by a friends husband and I finally got it hung in my living room.

Love my sign! Thanks so much Brent Roy!!!

[romans 8:28]

my 15 Lies buried at Buried Lies Cemetery in Utopia, TX

April 2013

My most gracious and loving Lord, I write this to you to express my heart.  My desire is to serve you and you only.  My heart longs to learn more of your ways and your truth to understand Your Love for Me!  I want to Thank You for all the people who have been Johnny’s in my life [as illustrated in the movie, Seven Days in Utopia].  They have helped me along this journey to learn more of you, to fully trust you, and become who I am today.  May I continue to grow in your grace and knowledge.  May you give me wisdom to learn what is truth according to Your Word, not truth according to anyone else’s terms.  Help me to be continually grateful for all you have done for me and never lose sight of you!  As I work at growing to be the woman you want me to be, I want to take a step of faith and bury lies that I have been told, lies I have believed, lies that simply are not your truth.  This event to bury them is to help me move forward in serving you and you only!

The Lies I wish to Bury:

• You require me to meet the criteria and approval of you and others to be accepted and loved.
• The things that have happened in my life you were not a part of and were not according to your plan for my journey.
• I am wrong to associate with Christian’s outside of The Group that don’t walk in the things I have been taught, dress according to ways I have been told are wrong, fellowship in a denomination or don’t believe as I believe on any topic.
• Listening to “Secular Christian Music” is inappropriate and ungodly.
• As a Woman it is wrong for me to study your word to learn what you want of me and not just accept what I have been told or “the men” tell me.
• If I don’t do things just right you will no longer love me.  I must be perfect for you to love me.
• I am not good enough.
• As a Saved Sinner if I don’t do, say, or live the things The Group have taught, I have walked away from God.
• I am a Woman out of control since I did the NASCAR Drive Experience and NASCAR Ride-Along Experience.
• If other people disapprove of me that means that God does too.
• I am too intense, too bold, and too aggressive.
• No man will be interested in marrying me because of “my past”.
• Working to support myself, including being self employed, and even making a good living means that I have a love of money and my focus is not in the right place.
• I have not and do not honor my parents by leaving home at age 20 after years of abuse, hurt, pain, manipulation and control.
• I am going to be just like my Mom.

A Princess of the King who wishes to be your servant,

Misty

buried lies engraving
"SFT" = See it Feel it Trust it

SFT

trip to Utopia, TX with Jennifer [day2]

We stayed at Utopia on the River.  A really nice Bed n Breakfast Inn.  

Neither of us slept really well.  That's a given.  First night in a new place.  No room darkening shades or material to keep out the moon and filtered light through the wooden mini blinds.  Not the comfy bed I have.  But I did bring my own pillows.  Yup.  Always do that.

We woke up with enough time to get up and get going so we wouldn't miss brunch.  Jennifer was faster at this process then me.  I probably needed an attitude adjustment due to my lack of being rested, as I was begging for room service that didn't exist.  LOL!

Breakfast was yummy!!!  Eggs cooked how you liked, sausage patties, grits, and warm peaches. I had never had warm peaches.  They are canned peaches with a bit of cinnamon and sugar. You are supposed to eat them over biscuits, but since I don't eat wheat (at least as much lies within me) I just had a bowl of warm peaches.  Quite yummy!  Warm peaches are good.  You must try them!

We then toured the property...walked down to the river, listened to the brook, gazed at the pretty water in which you could see all the way to the bottom, watched the reflection of the trees in the water, watched birds, hiked over rocks, gazed up at the tall -VERY TALL - trees, listened to the breeze rustle through, and just relaxed.  

Cypress Tree on the Sabinal River

see VERY TALL tree?  and mini Misty at the base of it?

NOwhere we had to be.  NObody we had to talk to.  NO time constraints.  NO cell phone service.  Very spotty internet service [I couldn't get it to work at all on my phone which is just as well because the temptation to work would have been pretty high].  We could just wander aimlessly and take our time.  We, or more accurately I should report Jennifer, took pictures as we toured.

The reflection of the trees in the Sabinal River

We eventually went back to our room and got ready to go tour the town.  The small town of Utopia.  We saw items we saw coming in at night now in the day time.  We wanted to check out a few of the places in the movie and also see the sights of the town.  We wandered around checking out the little town that had only a few stores, the General Store, Lost Maples Cafe, the Library, the bank, the Senior Center [which by the way had the most cars in attendance in the parking lot], the school, and the Methodist Church.  The little church was just as it was pictured.  Lovely little place.  The door was open and you could walk in and inspect it.  I tried out the bell chimes.  Really cool!  Then we continued out of town and took out to tour the countryside.  We stopped and saw blue bonnets...gorgeous patch of them along side the road.  

Misty and The Bluebonnets

Jennifer and The Bluebonnets

As we continued along the roads we traveled, there were tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of bikers.  We went to Kerrville and ate at Rails a Cafe at the Depot, a place Jennifer found on Yelp that had outdoor patio dinning for the lovely weather we wanted to experience and was rated with lots of stars.  It was a very yummy fresh green salad and a delicious glass of red wine.    We sat on the patio for about two hours and enjoyed the weather, our food and conversation.  We discussed many things, including one event that happened in our friendship in 2007.  Jennifer had the chance to explain what was going on more behind the scenes that I wasn't aware of, though she thought I was, and how her communication was taken by me.  It was a time of sharing, revealing and encouraging as we learn to understand each other more.  I was grateful for the opportunity and for no bitterness on either side even if both of us were hurt, there is always room to be loving and share in each others lives.  We toured some more and headed back to Utopia.  We ate dinner at Lost Maples Cafe.  I ordered the special of Shrimp with a Baked Potato and Cole Slaw and it came with two Hush Puppies, absolutely the best I have ever eaten.  Might just convert me to like Hush Puppies as I am not a Hush Puppy fan!!!  Our experience there gave us much laughter.  Our waitress was the sister to one of the guys who was cooking.  They were having words with each other.  I presume Mom told them to knock it off as "she" had tables to wait and they could resume their words at home after work.  Wish I could remember exactly how it was said and what all was said as it was downright hilarious!  You knew you were in a small country cafe for this to be happening.  We attempted photos of the two of us outside before leaving but with the dusk lighting and self portraits that I can't seem to manage nicely without creating a double chin, it made it challenging and we gave up.  We then headed back to Utopia on the River, our Bed & Breakfast for another night.  We crawled in bed and Jennifer poured me a glass of red wine that I had brought [I had been given it on Wednesday when a Provider Relations Representative for one of the main healthplans one of my client contracts with gave it to me as a gift because of the HUGE recoupment fiasco they have done in a one week time with no notice that has created a cash flow crisis, which was done against state and federal laws that we have been trying to get to the bottom of] and I brought that with me, I thought it would be fun to share it, and we did.  While we were in bed, I asked Jennifer if she would want to read my list of 15 lies I had created to bury the next day at Buried Lies Cemetery in Utopia, TX, and she did.  I was not prepared for Jennifer's response.  She was floored at my list because she was only thinking of the things that came as baggage from your childhood as was in the movie [I won't spoil it in case you haven't seen it and want to].  I told her but that isn't all the lies I have in my life, though believe me there is a good stash of them from my childhood that haunt my life daily.  She stated this is one reason she likes Bible Studies is because of the sharing and input you get from others.  She had never seen it the way I saw it and truly was amazed at my list.  She agreed that I was correct that childhood lies are not all there is and made her own list the next morning.  She didn't share it with me [didn't need to] but I know that the exercise for me was an incredible experience and I hope it was for her too!  I must tell you to write them out...was HUGE!  I truly want the experience to be a fresh new start at least on these 15 lies.  When they occur, I want to tell myself that I have buried those lies, they no longer are alive.  The are dead.  They can never be retrieved.  I believe this will give me the courage to learn the truth and fight the lies.  More about this process and all that in another post.

We then called it a night, grateful for the relaxing experience we had had thus far, safety on our trip, encouragement we both received in sharing and hoped that we both would get a better nights rest the second night.  

...Don't forget, Jennifer took most all of the photo's on the trip, so I will insert more pictures later.

trip to Utopia, TX with Jennifer [day1]

When I had surgery last October 2012, one of my friends [Jennifer] recommended I watch a movie on her Netflix account.  I did.  You can read my nuggets and takeaways from that film here.  

The movie was an emotional experience for me.  It moved me and impacted my life tremendously and significantly.  After watching the movie, I did some research on the film as it is a real place here in Texas and is based on some facts, not 100% made up.  I was amazed at the thought that went into the movie.  Jennifer came over and saw me during my surgery recouperation and I shared a lot of the information with her.  The more we talked the more Jennifer wanted to go there when she learned it was a real place and "In Texas"!  We made conversation following that day many times about going there "someday".  I finally told her a month ago lets quit talking about it and make a date.  We did:  April 4th 2013 - April 6th 2013.

In case you haven't seen the movie, I won't give away the punch line, but as one who can count how many movies I have seen, I would recommend this one, highly recommend, this one and tell you it is one of my top 5 [even if everyone laughs at me and says how can you say it is one of your top 5 when you probably have only seen 5?].  Technically, I have seen a few more than 5 and yes, it still is one of my top 5!!!  

In preparation for the time, I told Jennifer that I wanted to make a list of my lies and bury them.  The website for Seven Days in Utopia says you can mail in the lies and they will bury them for you if you can't or don't want to make the trip to begin your sacred journey.  Read this link if you want to learn about it.  A week before our trip, I finally began making my list of lies to bury.  You can read the post my 15 Lies buried at Buried Lies Cemetery in Utopia, TX.  This was an incredible experience and I will save those details for another blog post otherwise that will consume the rest of the page here and you won't get the details of our trip.

We headed out Thursday at about 1pm.  We had no agenda and no details on having to be anywhere at any time.  Enroute we decided to stop at the outlet mall and shop for maybe two hours?  It was fun!  We proceeded to take I35 south towards Austin and when we were approaching traffic, Jennifer suggested we take the loop that bypasses all that.  I told her give me directions and we would go.  Well the GPS said to hang left and it didn't look right or feel right and I went right.  Opps.  No going through the bypass, we now were stuck in traffic.  Ugh.  Or was that a plus because if we had done the bypass we would not have then eaten at Torchy's Taco's???!!!

...BTW:  Jennifer took most all of the photo's on the trip, so I will insert pictures later.

We chatted the entire way to Utopia, TX...didn't run out of things to talk about and many times were interrupting each other with all the details, extra comments, and don't forget to let me tell you about this subject either.  Yup...that's what happens when you don't spend enough time with your girlfriends!

We had a great drive down and arrived at our bed and breakfast that evening a little after 9pm.  The place was quiet, quaint and the hosts were very friendly!  We unloaded and crawled in for the night!

Quotes

You & God are the majority.
- Joel Osteen

song ~ you are

You Are
by  Colton Dixon

When I can’t find the words to say how much it hurts 
You are the healing in my heart 
When all that I can see are broken memories 
You are the light that’s in the dark 

Chorus: 
You are the song, 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Whoa

You are 

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands. 
You are the provider of my needs. 
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless. 
You are the rain that washes me. 

Chorus: (2x) 
You are the song 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Whoa

(x2) If I had no voice, 
If I had no tongue, 
I would dance for you like the rising sun. 
And when that day comes and I see your face. 
I will shout your endless glorious praise. 

Chorus: (2x) 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Whoa

Quotes

this is too funny and sooooooo true!

a woman of faith

song ~ worn

Worn

by Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

an update on posts

If you are a avid follower of my blog, you know that I openly share what is going on in my life.  I do this because I want to be a complete opposite of the childhood I had and the details that were averted in conversations, the things that were hidden from people, the relationships that didn't know the truth, the hypocrisy that was lived out, everything that was false.  I want to encourage others through the things I face and how real God is in my life.  I want to be open, 150% open!  I have nothing to hide and therefore I many times blog about things that others wouldn't.  Due to some events that I blogged about that took place this past Saturday that have emotionally torn me apart along with advice I received, I have removed this post.  Please understand that it is simply for safety reasons.  If you don't subscribe to my blog you will no longer see the information I shared.  If you do, the post would have been sent to you in an email this morning.  I love each of you very much and want to be apart of your lives just as much as you want to be apart of mine however your prayers are needed desperately right now!  I know God is going to use this actively in my journey but right now it has my world turned upside down.  I request you to be understanding with me as I work through this.  I need you fervent prayers for peace and to deal with the turmoil in my heart and mind.

Quotes

Most people will find your flaws but not your beauty.  Your flaws are perfect for the heart that's meant to love you.
- Danny Blair

response to Mindy's texts

I want you to know I do care.  I would love to share about my life and explain things if you want to learn and know.  I have been open about my life...very open and have been condemned, rebuked, isolated, shunned, mocked, etc.  You have made some assumptions that are not correct or true but I can't blame you...you don't know what has happened.  I don't know what you have "heard" as you state so I can't confirm anything.  I don't expect that the 8 years we have been apart will be resolved in one breakfast meeting.  I never thought that.  I simply was grateful to be able to spend time with you because the last thing I knew was you never wanted to hear from me again.  I didn't expect you to talk to me at the memorial.  Didn't think you wanted to spend time with me.  Therefore since I didn't have your address or email or phone number there wasn't a way to contact you.  There wasn't a reason to since I thought you were done with me.   You said if I ever left the group you still didn't want to hear from me.  Maybe you didn't mean that...but I took it literal.  That's my fault and I am sorry.  I didn't continue a relationship with you for several reasons and I hope you will accept my apologies.  If you don't...I understand.  I will respect your wishes and give you space.  I am not trying to invade your life or change you.  I love you.  I care about you.  Even if we do not talk and I don't know what is going on in your life...I still do!!!  I haven't felt you wanted a relationship with me so I let go.  I know that's hard to understand.  I felt it was best.  I don't want to hurt you.  I want you to live the life you want and haven't judged you because you have.  I have given you the space I wanted.  I hope that my letter to you will explain a few things.  If you choose not to read it, I will understand.

Quotes

To walk closely with Jesus we have to walk ourselves daily through God's Word. Tethering our hearts to Scripture helps grow our friendship with Jesus. As a result, He becomes more important to us than others or their opinions of us. The more we learn about God's character, the more we fall in love with Him and the less likely we'll be to turn from Him when the crowds tempt to sway us. Or when fear of judgment or persecution comes.
- Karen Patterson Ehman [via Proverbs 31 Ministries]

an unexpected event with a client

I woke up before the alarm went off today as we had a storm blow through Texas.  It included some pea size hail...a bunch of it!  It hailed at my house for 20-30minutes and woke me up.  No more sleep!

I decided to get up and get a few things done before heading to the dealership to drop off the title to my old car along with my other key.  I was headed to my American Academy of Professional Coders Class (AAPC) that I do once a month.  It has always been on Tuesday evenings, but they voted in January to move it to Saturday every Quarter, and this was its first.  Since it was a Saturday, it was a little bit more relaxed and the session went over what I anticipated it would.  I was to be at a clients in Weatherford at 12.30pm.  I texted him that I class went over, I needed to get lunch and was just leaving at 12pm and that I would be there as soon as I could.  Enroute, another client called me so when I pulled up in his parking lot, I sat in the car until my conversation was over.  When I arrived in his office he seemed a little edgy.  I wasn't sure if this was because I was running later than originally planned or if this was because I sat in the parking lot talking and he knew I was here or if there was something else going on.  I apologized for getting a later start then we originally planned, asked him questions to get up to date on where we were with his account and stuff that is happening, and launched into my accounting tasks.  His office is in a warehouse like type setting.  There is no heat, so you for sure don't dillydally about wasting time on a cold day like it was today.  

We were working on some Paypal account issues and trying to balance to the daily Journal Entries.  In working on these in Quickbooks, I had asked him where we were at getting things setup so I could work remotely.  Traveling to his office was not the original plan and since it is an hour each way, that cuts into being profitable fast.  He mentioned that he hoped to have the Mac Laptop finished up for me to use by the next time I came out.  I laughed and said I would not hold my breath since he promised me that two times ago.  I was wearing my hair down and didn't have a clip in it so I didn't see him come up behind me.  He smacked me across the back of my head with his finger/palm, twice.  I quickly rolled the desk chair away from the desk and turned in my head to look at him and said, "This is not going to work."  He replied, "Are you serious?  Don't over react."  I said, "I am sorry, I was abused as a child, and I can't take this.  This is not going to work."  While saying this, I started gathering my things very quickly.  Put my salad back in the Panera Bread to go sack, stuck my pen in the spiral part of my notebook, stuff papers in the folder, put my cell phone in my purse, grabbed it all up and stood up.  He again said, "I didn't mean anything by it.  Can't we talk this out?"  I said, "Please just give me a few minutes to go to my car.  I need a few minutes by myself.  I will be back in to talk."  He said "Okay."

I was amazed at the calm voice I had with him, though inside I was livid as hell.  My heart beat was racing.  I was shaking all over and incredibly irritated.  I got in my car and locked the doors.  As I sat in my car with my eyes closed my head bent over praying.  I prayed God give me strength to deal with this.  Please make me calm, I am rattled beyond words.  Please help me to tell him plainly this is over and I am done.  I can't do this.  Absolutely can't do this.  No amount of money is worth this.  I suddenly felt I should not be sitting there with my eyes closed and head bent.  I leaned my head against my hand on the arm rest and had my eyes open but looking away from his office.  I prayed more...I am not sure what I said, I just felt the connection between me and heaven and I prayed.  I really wanted to leave.  I didn't want to go back in, but I decided it was time to get this over with.  I grabbed my keys that have with pepper spray on them, held the pepper spray so it was clearly visible and ready to use, along with my cell phone.  I left everything else in the car.  I walked in the office and shut the door behind me and stood right there with my back against the door.  He was sitting at his desk.  I stood there and didn't say a word as I tried to gather my thoughts on what to say first and how to say it.  Before I did he said, "Can I say a few things?"  I nodded.  He said, "I want to apologize. I realize I triggered your trigger and I didn't mean to.  I have never touched a woman.  I realize this was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it. I feel comfortable with you and was just playing around.  If you will tell me what your triggers are, I will make sure I don't do it again."  I said, "I understand and appreciate your apology.  This is not going to work."  He then said more about he realized he made a huge mistake and sincerely meant nothing by it.  I then asked him, "What did I say that made you do that?"  He said, "Nothing, I was just playing back.  I never meant anything by it.  Won't you please give this a second chance?"  I said nothing and simply shook my head no.  "I am sorry [his name], but I can't do this.  This is not going to work."  He was frustrated.  Very frustrated.  He stood up and then said, "So you are saying we can't work this out?  You are lumping me in with all the other people who have abused you, like I am a bad guy?  I promise it won't ever happen again."  I responded, "[name of client], this should never have happened in the first place and I will not risk a second time.  Though I absolutely want your business, no amount of money is worth this and I can't and won't do it."  I went on to tell him that I wasn't aware of our contract terms by me ending the contract early, as that was at home, however I would adhere to the penalty.  He looked to see if he had his copy with him and he said he didn't.  He stated he would pay me in full because these were hours I put in.  I told him that I appreciated that.  I told him that I would go to my car and get the paperwork I had that had the user names, passwords and account information so that he would have everything back.  I asked him to delete the shared Dropbox connection so that I have none of his information.  I went to my car, got the paperwork, walked back in and laid it on the desk, and then I walked out and drove off.

As I drove off, I felt an overwhelming peace to be gone.  I had an absolutely peace and secure feeling that I knew I did the right thing, though it was incredibly hard, I knew it was right.  The back of my head hurt, it stung.  I felt drained.  Like I had just ran a marathon and had no energy left in me to drive home.  I was physically and emotionally so exhausted all of a sudden.  The memories of incidents like this that I had experienced in my childhood were clouding my vision, my mind, my heart, my every move.  They were coming at me like the downpour of hail and it was very overwhelming.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to run away.  I honestly didn't care if I lived.  I felt done with life.  The suffocating feelings were drowning me.  I prayed more.  I prayed for God to help me understand why this happened. To help me to deal with the feelings I felt swarming me like no tomorrow, to handle my frustration in loosing a client,  to deal with the loss of income, to remove the extreme anger I felt towards him, the memories that were causing emotions in me I had no clue could surface so easily. I needed God! 

I drove in silence.  I cried.  I prayed.  I continued to drive home.  Halfway home I turned on the radio and one of the songs that played is one of my favorites, Need You Now by Plum.  Tears streamed down my face.  The words hit my heart.  "Everybody's got a story to tell.  [Oh God you know my story!] Everybody's got a wound to be healed.  [Yes, I have lots of wounds God...please heal them.]  I get so tired of holding on.  I wanna believe there's meaning here.  How many times have you heard me cry out?  How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?  Oh, I need you, God I need you now! [Oh God, do you know how much I need you???  Dear God, please be with me!]  Standing on a road I didn't plan.  [No Lord, this was not in my plans!] Wondering...Trying to hear that still small voice.  Though I walk through the shadows and I am so afraid.  Please stay, please stay right beside me.  With every single step I take."  

Once home, I wondered why I had not reached out to my friends to ask for prayer.  I needed it NOW!  I texted Jennifer, Miki and Michelle and asked them to pray for me.  [I know I could have texted many more of my friends and all of them/you would have prayed for me, but those are the ones I reached out to in this moment.] I let them know an incident with a client had turned my day upside down and I needed prayers as I was very shaken up.

I knew I couldn't stay at home.  Though I had errands to run, I didn't want to, but yet I knew that in order to make it through the day, I needed to move forward with them or I was just going to be a zombie.

I went and got prescriptions.  Then went to Jeff's to get the Valet Key on my old car [as the executor of my Will he has a key to my house and car] so that I could deliver that to the dealership.  Then I went to the dealership to drop that off and get a demo of how to set things up inside my car as we ran out of time to do that last night.  From there, I met Michelle for dinner.

Please pray for me as I work through these emotions and deal with all this in my heart and mind!

[this post was removed for a time per legal advice and so if you did not see it previously you will know why]

how to respond to this?

Since being in California for my Dad's Memorial, Mindy and I have had some text messages back and forth.  I have answered questions and made chit chat.  It hasn't been every day, but it has been way more frequent then we had before.  I have wanted to take the opportunity to show her I care and will communicate if she will not be rude and hang up on me, not yell at me with angry words and foul language, and if she can be nice.  We have not had communication since early 2010 when she texted me and told me to take her out of my will and then in August 2011 when she messaged me on Facebook telling me that even if I ever left "The Group" she had no interest, that she would not ready any mail or messages I sent and would discard them immediately, because my cruelty was beyond imagination.

Today she wrote this:
I thought you would have cared enough to tell me you've changed instead of finding it out other ways.  That's what.  Its just shocking to find you've been so judgmental about so many things when actually, you've been doing them all along. Not being open about it makes it seem like you don't think its a big deal.  Since you've never been treated by the group in the same way when you didn't have friends, its a different experience.  People who were treated differently (ostracized, judged, isolated, cruelly) have been telling me you may never understand.  It just shows me that you don't care that much.  That you thin you can undo all that in a breakfast.  When you've been left to die by people (litersally) it just takes a lot more than words to regain a place of trust and reliance and a relationship.  The fact that you didn't tell me about all the changes upfront seems really bizarre to me.  Like you just let me find out like you didn't care.

The message hurt.  It holds truth and untruths.  

I prayed for God to give me the words and wisdom to respond.  I then texted back:
Mindy, I would love to respond. I have class this morning and then am working with a client the rest of the day.  I will respond to your last few texts.  Love you!

Please pray for me that I will know how to show Gods love and answer these accusations, if they should be answered.  I would love the opportunity to share with her what has changed in my life and what hasn't.  I would love to let her know that many of her assumptions are wrong.  I would love to get across to her that I love her.  Really love her.