comfort in the midst of pain

Whenever you face strong moments of grief and pain, you have to find ways to get through it.  I share some of mine from the last few weeks.


lyrics from Hold On by Toby Mac:
Let a brand new day wash over you, wanna see you smiling girl...So baby hold on, just another day or two...To the One's that holding you!


text from a girlfriend:
You are awesome!!! And I love you and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you!!!  [yes, this produced tears...I have a really hard time being told I am awesome, I feel anything but]


words from my business attorney on a post on my FB Page:
Misty is such a seeker of the word and she shares her struggles and thoughts with her friends to help us with our own faith. She is a great friend and encourager. 



lyrics from One Desire by Kari Jobe:
in your presence Lord, I will find my strength, you're the breath in me, you're my everything, with my heart bowed low and my hands held high...you're my one desire!
[this song speaks my heart so well right now because GOD is my ONE DESIRE...]


an FB message from a friend who nominated me for an award and she wanted me to know what she said [it is supposed to be a surprise if I win - so I promised I would be]:

I really could have nominated Misty for all three categories. She's just that good!

On a professional level, she is hardworking, professional, and takes extreme pride in making sure that her work is done accurately and to the satisfaction of her clients.

Misty has been a personal inspiration to me both as a friend and as a business owner. We've have spent many hours together discussing business, and she has taught me a lot about what it takes to be a successful business owner. And, as busy as she is running her business, she always takes time out to help her friends and to network to help other people's businesses thrive. Her spirit of generosity and giving is contagious!

But I mainly nominated Misty for her spiritual influence. I knew when I met Misty that we were both Christ-followers, and I liked that about her. This year, Misty has been going through a personal journey that has led her to place her trust solely in God, and to understand that no matter what the circumstances, He is using her to be a light to other people and an inspiration. And she is an inspiration to all who have the pleasure of calling her a friend!

quote from Donald Miller:
I've rarely experienced a set back that didn't prove to be a pruning bearing more fruit in the end. It almost always works that way.

a post requesting for prayer and the number of comments made and prayer petitions by my prayer warriors...

an email from my counselor:  
I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I have been thinking about you throughout the week and when your name comes across my thoughts, I just begin praying for you.  I know how hard this part is and I just pray that God opens the door for healing in a way that you have not felt or known before.  You are amazingly strong.  You are working through something that many many women would not dare to out of fear. You have stared fear in the face and have not backed down.  Amazing! Hang in there and know that I'm here and will continue to pray for you!
Blessings

reflections on the song The Hurt & The Healer and graphics the way it was done at the  Women of Faith conference by Mercy Me...

my unfailing love for you will not be shaken - Isaiah 54:10

...and more, these are just a few of the ways God has used people in my life to encourage, support and help me during difficult days.

Counseling Session #12

We finished the most horrific part of My Story.  The story of when I was 17 is over!!!  

Through telling My Story, I am learning that what I experienced has truly shaped me, my personality, my expectations, my fears, my hopes, my outlook on life - God - people - business, my friendships and relationship, has created my determination, has affected me dramatically in who I am today, why I think the way I do, why I react the way I do, why I am who I am...why I have trust issues.

Through it, I am learning that the more I accept it as My Story, not allowing myself to shove it away by trying to make it a separate person from me, not avoiding the pain that is in My Story, I am enabled to live more completely.  

I never would have dreamed I wasn't accepting of My Story, but through this process, that's what I have learned.

I am learning by being vulnerable in a way I have never been before, I can face and accept the truth of my life, not the lies.  I can be bold and call it what it was, because God does.  It was abuse.  Full fledge horrific ugly abuse.  It was rape.

The source of all pain is the avoidance of legitimate pain. - Layne

Quotes

Why do you use Social Media?

As a society that has created a social platform online, I find it interesting the reasons why people use it, how the patterns vary, and what people expect to get out of it. I like to study them to learn what qualities I want to build in my Social Media presence.

I find a common thread that people want to be followed, but are not interested in following you back. They want you to comment on their post, but are not interested in engaging back. Is what you have to say more important than what I have to say?

To me, the online social presence shouldn't be any different then your offline social presence. Do you have friendships just to be a one way street? Do you engage with people only to have a bunch of friends but not be a friend? Are you a giver or just a taker?

Why do we look at the online presence different then the offline? If God views what you think in your heart the same as what comes out of your mouth, why is more importance put on the online vs the offline?

If we really kept in mind that people do business with people they know, like, and trust...wouldn't that impact how we interacted a lot more?

If we remember that if you help enough people get what they want, they will help you get what you want, don't you think it would make a difference in how you interacted on Social Media?  What if we kept in focus that every person out there wants happiness, meaning, and significance...would this change how we interacted with them?  Would we spend more time encouraging and uplifting others?

So my question to you today is: What is your purpose in creating a Social Media presence?  Make it intentional!

Quotes

Life works when you live it God's Way.
 - Dave Ramsey

Counseling Session #11

Before my session today, I texted several of my prayer warrrior's and said: 
Can you please pray for me?  

I also posted on Facebook asking: 
Can I ask you to please pray for me? Today is going to be a challenging day.

We are at the hardest part of my story.  The part that is gut wrenching more than anything else in my life.  The part of my story that nobody has ever heard all the details on, details that to this day I can remember vividly, very vividly.  Details that are so very hard to talk write about, talk about, hear read to me, let alone discuss.  I had written 5 pages since my last session...we made it through half of it today, and I wished I didn't have to listen.  

This was so hard!!!

I had written most of what I presented today, two weeks ago after Counseling Session #9, the days before my Woman of Faith Conference.  Now you know why the nuggets the opening night were so incredibly moving to me and why I knew God had a message just for me...because I was struggling at feeling my story mattered.  Now you know why one of the speakers, Christine Cain, the story she shared and her message to us ladies rocked my world.  God's timing is amazing!!!  I was in the middle of writing this part of my story before attending that event and it was used in my life to inspire me to continue to write.

After learning more of my story, my counselor told me that most people are not going to be able to understand or relate to the pain I know.  They are not going to relate to a life with no options.  This hurts me.  I want people to understand.  I don't want to be considered different.  Some people will be able to relate part of my story with not being cared about or invested in, because they have experienced this.  

In spite of my story, my counselor shared the following [and some other things that I can't share on the blog] and reminded me:

• You did not let this stop you...you choose not to be a victim.
• What you faced has made you have a stronger relationship with God.
• You relate to real hurting people in a way others cannot.
• You continue to keep going.
• You are the biggest encourager to other people.
• You have extreme courage.
• You are amazing. [ugh if she only know how I desperately I don't feel so amazing!!!]
• You stand up and take your pain.
• You could have turned into your mother.
• You could have chosen to live on disability like your brother [though she believes without having ever met him he has a reason to be to some degree].
• You could have turned against God.
• You could have hated his people because of what happened.
• You could have gotten bitter.
• You could have been a hermit.
• You could have been a million things you are not.
• God will never wastes an opportunity. [And I was reminded of this this morning during the walk at the track with one of my favorite songs Nothing Wasted by Jason Gray.] 
• What happened to you was not good, but it has good.  Romans 8:28.  Ephesians 3:20.
• God's not done with you!

The goal this week is to touch the pain and grieve it.  Feeling sorry for yourself is a lifestyle, but grieving is stating what happened was horrible and I wish it could have been different.  

I also have to do more homework, continuing to tell my story, because it is not over...I pray that there will only be a few more weeks of this gut wrenching pain because it is making me sick.

Quotes

God is in control of our circumstances but He left us in charge of our choices. To learn how to choose wisely, well & wholeheartedly, we need to hear His word daily, hide it in our heart & heed its command.
 - Peter Rahme

mustache party

Mustache Party
surprise party for Jonathan's 55th Birthday

Quotes

I fear telling m y s t o r y

This post isn't going to be easy.  This post is going to take courage to write.  No doubt you will learn a side of me through this post you have not seen before because I am going to be vulnerable, in writing my thoughts.

You may remember that I had an incident with a client back in March 2013.  As I stated then, this rocked my world in a way I never dreamed possible.  I dealt with it and did my best to move forward through the emotional mess it created in me, through the nightmares that followed, through the feelings of being back in my childhood with no way out, through the memories I wished I could forget, through the heartache and pain that the situation brought.  I continued to persevere.  Until I realized, I needed help to work through this.  I needed healing.  This began my search for a counselor.  I found one and then it got put on hold because she went into the hospital for pregnancy complications.  I began the process of professional therapy June 3rd.

I shared why I wanted counseling and what I wanted to get out of counseling and what I didn't want counseling to be.  I am not doing counseling for a venting session or to hear myself talk.  I am not doing counseling to be told it is okay to feel the way I feel or that my feelings are justified or that what I experienced was horrible or any other common comment.  I am definitely not doing counseling to prove a point.  I am doing counseling because I have been told by many people over the last 16 years that I should do it and that I would find it helpful, but the only thing that launched me truly doing this was something I never expected to experience with a client who paid for my services.  This was a stark shock of reality to me and I wasn't prepared to have to deal with feelings, memories or nightmares from events in my childhood.  I thought I had worked through things, I thought I had "moved on" if you will.  But the realization came clearly that I hadn't to the degree I needed to.  I now want to move past this as much as I can to let the things I have experienced be used in my life as God wants them to be and not hold me back from growing and blossoming more into the woman God has called me to be! 

I get asked, "How long will you do counseling?"  The answer is, "I don't know."  And if you want to know, I am not trying to figure that out either.  When its been enough, I will know.

I get told, "I bet is helpful to tell your story."  The truthful and honest answer is, "I don't feel that it has helped anything yet."

I get told, "I am sure with time it gets easier."  The answer is, "In reality, each session has gotten harder, not easier, though some sessions have been harder than others."

I get told, "I bet it is comforting to know that what you went through in your counselor's eyes is awful."  The answer is, "No, that truly is not comforting.  I know it was awful, you don't have to tell me it was, I remember very vividly how awful!  If you only know how much I want to forget."

Each week I have things to think about following my session.  Each week I have homework to complete, sometimes more than one assignment, but I always have the ongoing assignment of writing out my story.  As I prepare for each session I have to wade through the memories that flood my mind and heart as I write out my story.  It is a process to do this.  I then have to face the reality of the situation, seeing the words that have been written out, in plain black and white ink.  I have to face the truth told right before my eyes, I can't pretend its a dream.  I can't ignore it, it stares right back at me.  Each session I then have to face sitting down and presenting my homework to my counselor in which she then reads my story to me, sometimes she asks questions, sometimes we discuss  a point further, sometimes she tries to get me to talk more about my story then I have written.  As I hear her read my story, it is very hard to believe sometimes that all this was my life.  Its hard to swallow the details.  Its hard to believe this isn't someone else's nightmare.  

Who would want to read this story?  Who would care the results of this story?  Who would believe this story?

Each week I have to face my fears and continue on my mission to tell my story.  The more I continue on this mission, the more I find and feel that fear is increased, more fear than I anticipated having.  How can this be?  What can I be afraid of?  Why does fear take over the feelings I have of wanting to be healed?  Why does the reality of my situation create such fear in me?  The details haven't changed.  The facts remain.  The truth is now being told.  How can I dispel the fear?  What can I do to make it go away?  

If I only knew.

Quotes

View it through a proper biblical lens, you can beat the horrible messages of our culture.  Don't be afraid to win for the right reasons!
 - Dave Ramsey

song ~ one drop

One Drop
by Plumb

I need you and you need me
Left alone we will never be who we could be
So take my hand and don't forget
We can do anything together!

Chorus: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving it all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Come with me now, look and see how
There's an ocean overflowing with our hopes!
So let's jump in and take a swim
It's, you and me yeah, forever!

Chorus: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving it all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I need you and you need me
We can do anything together!

Chorus: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving it all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Quotes

with God...

Counseling Session #10

We discussed the nuggets of my Woman Of Faith Conference in Oklahoma City this weekend.  Particularly, the lines from the World Vision video on Friday Night that gripped my heart so hard, tears were flowing down my face as I had the realization that God had a message He wants me to clearly receive and understand completely:

Our stories are powerful.

God speaks to us through our stories.

The choices we make write our stories.

How powerful will your story be?

Allow God to be the bridge for the hurt and pain to connect people.

My counselor is getting really perceptive about me.  Kinda scary.  Kinda exciting.  

In today's session, we are working through my fears of telling my story.  I don't feel my story matters.  I believe I have a story, that's not what I question, I just don't feel important.  When I have shared bits of my story, I get reactions out of people that are hard to face, hard to accept, hard to deal with.  I dread telling more of my story.  

My counselor doesn't believe I have fear, she has only seen a courageous spirit from me.  I believe I am courageous, but not without fear.  Maybe fear is the wrong word?  I don't care what word you use, there is something there, preventing me from feeling I have freedom in telling my story and I believe that I need to figure out why so that I can move past it and face whatever it is.

She reminded me the following:

Your story matters because that's the path God put you down.  Right now telling my story is agony, but with time it will become easier. Your story will touch you the rest of your life.

I will be making a list of the fears I have in telling my story.  I am determined to not quit.

trust...in the Lord

Quotes

There is a cause and effect in scripture.
- Dave Ramsey

romans 8:31

Quotes

Courage is a love affair with the unknown.
- Osho

friendship

Friendship sits at a little table

with cups of coffee.

It listens, smiles,

and always knows exactly what you mean.

It can unexpectedly burst into loud laughter,

the kind that makes other people look - 

but sometimes, it's kind of quiet, too.

Sometimes friendship is 

every single day for a week, 

and then other times

it feels like forever

since you've connected...

no matter

how much time goes by,

you and your friendship mean the world to me!

[loved the words to this card I sent a friend a few weeks ago...thought I would share with you]

Counseling Session #9

I know better than to procrastinate.  Procrastination at its finest, is never a good thing.  It never makes something easier.  Yet I continue to do that with my homework between counseling sessions.  

I am not sure why I do this.  I really don't.  This isn't me, I am a person who likes to tackle projects, the feeling of accomplishment is very rewarding, and I have no intentions of quitting.  I intend to tell my story, every gut wrenching piece of it.  I intend to do exactly what my parents forbade me to do, discuss what went on in our home, every blasted detail.  Yup, I do.  

So, why do I keep doing this?

I got home from my day yesterday and knew that I needed to do my homework.  I went to my office, opened the laptop, pulled up the document and tried to write.  Nothing came.  My heart wasn't in it.  I had had a great day...but now, my mood changed.  I didn't want to do this.  I decided I wouldn't. I would not force myself to do what I normally would do and make it happen.  I would go to bed and sleep.

I woke up a little after 5am with the startling realization that I needed to do my homework and continue to write my story. I didn't dread it, but wasn't really looking forward to it either.  I prayed.  I asked God for strength to continue to write.  For strength to face what I didn't want to do.  For strength to continue on a journey that I will be courageous on!  For a journey that I know He has a plan about.  For a journey that He has given me!  Thoughts started coming about what to write.  I crawled out of bed and wrote for almost an hour and a half.  

Anxiety started to take over.  I started to dread my appointment.  Seeing the words that were written out on paper is a hard thing.  I decided to hit the track.  The first song on my Pandora app was Nothing is Wasted by Jason Gray.   Awwwhhhhh, God was listening to me.  I walked hard.  I prayed hard.  I heard more music about God's Love for me.  Just as I was about to jump in the shower, a girlfriend texted me that she was praying for me.  Another awwwhhhhh!

Counseling was tough.  Just as I anticipated it being because we are getting deep into the heart of my story.  My counselor asked if I was okay.  [Just so you know, I hate to tell you I am not okay.  It kills me inside to admit I can't do something, I am a failure, I will not tell you this and thus I will avoid telling you that I am not okay.]  With tears streaming down my face I nodded.  She said Misty, you're not, are you?  I told her, "I refuse to state I am not okay.  I can't change my story!  I can't change what happened, what was said, what was done, what my life was.  So then why do I dread telling my story?  Why is this so hard for me?  Why do I have guilt telling my story?  I get my parents told me to never ever share or tell my story, but its doesn't change the truth.  Not one bit of it."  She said, yes, but you know your parents did not ever want you to tell and you remember those conversations, you know they do not approve of you telling and that is going to be in your heart no matter how you want to proceed.

Again, she is right.

At one point she told me:  "You realize that no matter how you tell the truth of your story, some people are flat out not going to believe it."  

Yes, I know.  People have a hard time facing the truth of ugly stories.  I probably would be shunned for my horrible story.  People would not believe I was telling the truth.  Family would only condemn me more.  Friends would use it to say, see, we knew you were from a crazy home - you are going to be just "like her".  

Yes, I know.  More than you realize.  I face these thoughts.  It's tough.  If you only knew, how tough.

I still am going to tell the truth of my story, regardless of what you think of me.  My end goal is to write a book, not because I have anything profound to share but because I want to encourage everyone to live a courageous journey.  Regardless if you believe me.  I know its the truth.  And God helping me, I will get through the rest of this gut wrenching part of my story because it is killing me.  This is tougher than you can imagine, and I think for some reason, I thought I could tell my story in 3rd person and it would be easier.  How naive of me.  

The knot in my stomach is bad and it is affecting my appetite.  It's been this way now for a few weeks and now, the results of that is showing.  I am losing weight.  The clothes I bought in February and March aren't looking so good.  I am down 8 pounds from the last time I was at the doctors office.  I simply am just not hungry even though I am not skipping meals [outside of the meal before counseling] and many times I will drink a shake to make sure I get protein and have a meal but there is not the normal "live to eat" appetite.  I pick at my food, I get full really fast or disinterested quickly.  This is not me.  I realize its a page in this chapter, hopefully not a full chapter in my current story.  

I am trying to be patient with myself.  

I am trying to work through the emotions and thoughts that swarm at you, because it is unbelievable.  I never dreamed things that happened to me nearly 20 years ago or more would or could create such feelings in me. 

I am trying to think of all this as God would.  

As I left the session today, I got into my car to run an errand and head to my home office to work with an employee.  The song Need You Now by Plumb was the song that came on. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart bled.  My eyes spilled tears, hard tears.  I need God.  I need strength to face this time in my life.

"Everybody's got a story to tell...And everybody's got a wound to be healed.  I want to believe there's beauty here...I'm trying to hear that still small voice.  God, I need you now!"

Once again, God used music to speak to me.  This song has been one used more than once in my life.  The last few months.  I pray for more strength to face this time in my life.