Texas is one of those states that gets really bad weather, but not frequently enough for people to know how to deal with it, drive in it, prepare for it, act in it, or make the most of it.
I have been here 16 years (as of September) and this is the worst ice storm we have ever had.
I learned weather was going to be bad when I was at a clients office this week, the one I travel to weekly. I don't check the weather. My mom was a volunteer California Weather Spotter. She was obsessed with the weather. Majorly obsessed with it. It wasn't just a hobby, it was used to predict sickness, turned into panic, a cause for all bad moods and arguments, etc. So consequently, I think in my quest to establish a new pattern of thinking about the weather, I found myself never checking the weather. I would just wake up, see what the weather was as it felt to me by peeking out the window and maybe going out on the front porch, and make a go for it. If its a Texas day that turns really cold and I didn't plan a jacket warm enough, I don't complain, I would just deal with it. I mean, what did they do before weathermen anyways? I have lived. Maybe I could utilize that little weather app on my phone a bit more, but I haven't. Usually someone in my Facebook feed alerts me bad weather is coming. Somehow I hear.
Living in Texas and not experiencing bad weather enough means that people go crazy when it is called for. And if it doesn't happen, people get upset. Its kinda strange. There have been numerous false alarms. It seems to sneak upon us when they least call for it. Not this time though.
It was 78* on Thursday. My client wanted me to leave the office early (he had suggested like 4pm) in order to avoid any issues on the roads, at the same time, I needed to have new hire paperwork, contracts, and other lengthy documents prepared and ready for a new provider starting this upcoming Monday. I didn't get the paperwork done until 6.15pm. Sure, I could have walked out at 4pm, but if I had, there would be no way to leave the paperwork all filled out, with stickies in the areas signatures were needed, with little notes of instruction, etc. It would have had to wait until I was onsite later in the week. A delay I didn't feel we could do. I stayed and made sure I got the paperwork all done.
As I got in my car, there were ice pellets on my windshield. It didn't take long to get things to thaw, 5 minutes or so, and I got on the road. The roads were fine. No slush. Nothing freezing over. I figured my drive home would be a piece of cake.
Wrong. There were numerous wrecks. People already acting crazy. People already spinning out due to the rain. It took 2 hours to get home. I contemplated stopping by the grocery store to get a few items, but knew that they would be crammed, they always are before a storm. People act like they will be snowed in for weeks. I decided I would make use of what I had, whatever that was. I knew it was limited as I haven't been grocery shopping in 3 plus weeks. In my quest this year to condense belongings, this has also affected my pantry. I don't keep the stock I used to in it, though believe me, for one person there still seems to be plenty, but never of the things I want and use most. The drive had me frustrated. I had wanted to watch the LIVE presentation of The Sound of Music on top of the fact we were crawling from 5-7mph for no reason, mile after mile after mile. A friend had brought over a TV to my house so I could watch it at my house and I guess that got my hopes up that I would get to.
I finally made it home, unloaded the car, got the mail, set up the TV, and watched the little bit of the Broadway Musical that I could, and went to bed.
I woke up Friday Morning to some thick cold ice. It was 16* when I woke up around 9am. Frigid for sure!!! A 70* drop in one day!!! Incredible. I don't think it has ever been that cold here. I learned later in the day we made record temperatures in history for as cold as it was.
It was hard to stay warm. I stayed in my pj's all day, a scarf around my neck and my long wool coat on. I am sure that I looked like a goof, but hey, nobody here to see me and I was not going to be cold.
I spent the Friday and Saturday working, making some calls to recruiters, interviewing providers, doing accounting tasks, catching up on emails, etc. I wanted to be lazy like everyone else, but entrepreneurship doesn't allow that. Lots of people electricity was going out, I figured mine would at some point too, so I decided I had best make the most of it while I had it. Though I must tell you I secretly hoped it would so I could go read and knit!
I ate the only can of tomato soup with sourdough grilled cheese sandwich. I wanted hot chocolate, but the homemade kind is better with milk instead of water, and since I had no milk, I opted for hot tea. There was no honey, so I had to use sugar, my least favorite. There was one granola bar left. I had leftover pot roast, potatoes and carrots. I made nachos with leftover turkey. I ate sweet potato hash browns with an egg. The options tomorrow are going to be even less because there isn't too much left. I am missing my fruit and veggies. I am missing more soup options.
Mistake #1: I should probably have gotten a few groceries, like milk, peanut butter, honey and soup
Mistake #2: I should have brought firewood into the house
Mistake #3: I should have taken more time off to relax and just chill, everyone else was!!!
Today I have chilled, in my pj's again for the 3rd day, but I opted not to work. Yes, there is paperwork galore that can be done, but I am taking the day off to chill and knit. I couldn't locate any dry enough firewood in the stack, so I had to do without that. I watch a church service online. I listened to Pandora. I wrote a few blog posts.
It's just me and I am making it, maybe not in high style, but I will survive!
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Ice Storm 2013
Texas got a really bad Ice Storm on Thursday Evening...this is what I woke up to on Friday Morning! At least 3-4 inches of ice and 16* |
| Winter Ice Storm December 2013 {Front Yard} |
 |
| Winter Ice Storm December 2013 {Front Yard} |
 |
| Winter Ice Storm December 2013 {Back Yard} |
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
officially an author {in the works}
I attended a conference in November, over my 37th Birthday, the Michael Hyatt Platform Conference.
This is when I got the idea to buy the domain in my name, especially when I searched on my GoDaddy app and it was available!!! I mean what sort of chance is there of that? My name is not that unique.
What would I use www.mistygilbert.com for? Maybe I would purchase it just because? Maybe I would move my blog to that from where it is? Maybe I would use it for my book?
I launched in and bought it November 11th.
www.mistygilbert.com and www.mistygilbert.net
I regret that all my social media platforms aren't in this same format, but they aren't. Without explaining to you all the details why I will tell you simply that some were with my middle initial and some were without. I decided a few years ago to update them and make them all match and hence they all have the middle initial in them. Facebook. Twitter. LinkedIn. Pinterest. Oh, the things you do and later regret. Can't go back. The plain version is taken. Hence why I will have to be creative in my Author Facebook Page. And I will have to brainstorm on how to make the other social media sites work now.
One thing simple. Other things complicated.
It has been a month since The Platform Conference and so I am moving forward with my announcement and working towards my goal of publishing my first book about my story!
I am truly in LOVE with all my fans...those who have encouraged me for years to write a book!!! 2013 is the year I began that process. I am excited to be moving towards that one step at a time...never dreamed I would own a domain in my own name, but it's real. I kinda have to pinch myself! Stay tuned for updates on this process!
Thank You friends!
This is when I got the idea to buy the domain in my name, especially when I searched on my GoDaddy app and it was available!!! I mean what sort of chance is there of that? My name is not that unique.
What would I use www.mistygilbert.com for? Maybe I would purchase it just because? Maybe I would move my blog to that from where it is? Maybe I would use it for my book?
I launched in and bought it November 11th.
www.mistygilbert.com and www.mistygilbert.net
I regret that all my social media platforms aren't in this same format, but they aren't. Without explaining to you all the details why I will tell you simply that some were with my middle initial and some were without. I decided a few years ago to update them and make them all match and hence they all have the middle initial in them. Facebook. Twitter. LinkedIn. Pinterest. Oh, the things you do and later regret. Can't go back. The plain version is taken. Hence why I will have to be creative in my Author Facebook Page. And I will have to brainstorm on how to make the other social media sites work now.
One thing simple. Other things complicated.
It has been a month since The Platform Conference and so I am moving forward with my announcement and working towards my goal of publishing my first book about my story!
I am truly in LOVE with all my fans...those who have encouraged me for years to write a book!!! 2013 is the year I began that process. I am excited to be moving towards that one step at a time...never dreamed I would own a domain in my own name, but it's real. I kinda have to pinch myself! Stay tuned for updates on this process!
Thank You friends!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
thoughts on fervent prayer [part 3]
So what exactly is prayer? fervent prayer?
fervent = having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm
prayer = a devout petition to God; a spiritual communion with God as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession; a formula or sequence of words used in or appointed for praying
I believe fervent prayer is taking your own emotion, life, and circumstances and sharing that in a direct manner towards God. Knowing that he is always listening and has his ear "burning for you", tuned in to your wave length, connected to your heart, desiring to hear from you, just as a special friend.
I believe fervent prayer is taking your own emotion, life, and circumstances and sharing that in a direct manner towards God. Knowing that he is always listening and has his ear "burning for you", tuned in to your wave length, connected to your heart, desiring to hear from you, just as a special friend.
I am grateful I didn't miss this, even if I was 35 before it made a lick of true sense.
As I have reflected on fervent prayer, I can only say that I wish this had been a part of my life much sooner. I wish that it had been more important to me before. I wish I had been shown how to pray, to have more faith in prayer, to let prayer be a major part of my life.
If you want to share with me your thoughts on fervent prayer, I would love to hear from you!
What is fervent prayer to you?
How do you achieve this?
How do you petition to God?
What is communication with God?
How do you know its fervent?
fervent = having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm
prayer = a devout petition to God; a spiritual communion with God as in supplication, thanksgiving, adoration, or confession; a formula or sequence of words used in or appointed for praying
I believe fervent prayer is taking your own emotion, life, and circumstances and sharing that in a direct manner towards God. Knowing that he is always listening and has his ear "burning for you", tuned in to your wave length, connected to your heart, desiring to hear from you, just as a special friend.
I believe fervent prayer is taking your own emotion, life, and circumstances and sharing that in a direct manner towards God. Knowing that he is always listening and has his ear "burning for you", tuned in to your wave length, connected to your heart, desiring to hear from you, just as a special friend.
I am grateful I didn't miss this, even if I was 35 before it made a lick of true sense.
As I have reflected on fervent prayer, I can only say that I wish this had been a part of my life much sooner. I wish that it had been more important to me before. I wish I had been shown how to pray, to have more faith in prayer, to let prayer be a major part of my life.
What is fervent prayer to you?
How do you achieve this?
How do you petition to God?
What is communication with God?
How do you know its fervent?
Monday, December 2, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Quotes
Believing in our hearts that who we are is enough is the key to a more satisfying and balanced life.
- Ellen Sue Stern
- Ellen Sue Stern
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
why it doesn't matter
After my blog post yesterday, someone said can you tell me why you say it doesn't matter? Don't you think how someone attempted suicide matters, what contributed to the issues, what they might do from here, why they want to even consider suicide?
I understand this is the common thought. I also understand we are taught to ask questions. To try to make sense of it all. To inquiry as to why, even when there may not be an answer to the question, we still ask, "But why?".
I hope to share more that maybe will help people understand my perspective about this. I don't expect you to agree. I also don't expect you to necesarily share my perspective, I simply want to help open your eyes, your heart, your mind to another view point that might help you relate to people who are hurting, who are in predicaments they never thought they would find themselves in, who are facing things that on the surface you would never see.
Terry attempted suicide 05.02.2013 or 05.03.2013 depending on when he actually swallowed the pills. Does it matter that that was the day before/day of my parents anniversary?
Terry took over 200 pills. Does the quantity of pills he took change any dynamics of his attempt at suicide? If he had taken 100 or 50, would you think that was better?
Terry was found unresponsive, approximately 22 hours later, no medication bottles around, in his clothes, drenched in urine, his cell phone in his pocket, having burned his skin due to the reaction of urine and the battery, a wound on his head from having fallen, a note left addressed to several people [which I have never seen as it was taken by the police as evidence].
Do any of these details make you have more compassion? Do they make you relate more to the situation? Do they bring you more peace? Do they make the situation easier to bear? Do they comfort you? Do they bring answers?
For me, they didn't. They provided explanation as to more of the details relating to the attempt at suicide, facts, not feelings, confirming that it was for sure deliberate, but didn't provide any direct answers to help understand this guy who was hurting.
I kept people informed about the situation with my brother via my blog posts during the month of May 2010, but most of these specific details aren't listed there. I didn't share them with many people either in person. No reason other than people can't handle these types of things, they shy away from the pain and hurt that comes from learning these details, they don't know how to comfort, they only want to know to be able to share the details. People don't know what to say or say things they shouldn't. Many times trying to be kind they say hurtful things. However, if I had listed them/given you all the nitty gritty details upfront or had shared them with you in person, would it have changed your perspective of my brother? My parents? My sister? Me? Would it have increased your empathy or sympathy? Would you have been more loving? Or would you have actually been more condemning, more judgemental, more inquisitive, more concerned, more confused, more depressed, and maybe been less loving? Would you have given my brother more grace or less grace? Would you have been kinder to me or been more cruel?
Do you get my point? The details don't really matter. Other than doctors needed to know how many and what kind of pills he took in order to help him further. Other than the police need to put the chronological order of events together for their consolidated report. Other than those that are close to the situation want to know what happened as they try to piece the pieces of the puzzle together, but in the end, none of those details really and truly matter. They don't solve the problem. It still exists. The person attempted suicide. They wanted out. They were done. They are hurting. They are still in need of Jesus love and healing.
Having faced this, I can tell you that no matter what people say, you go through the questions in your heart and mind, replaying the last conversation you had with that person, playing what if scenarios in your head, asking yourself maybe if I had said or done this, maybe if I had listened more, maybe if I had tried to reach out more, maybe if I had whatever, you fill in the blank, this wouldn't have happened. It is hard to accept that deep down, we all can do more, but in all likelihood would not have changed anything. One more hug, one more I Love You, one more talk on the phone, one more power chat session, one more prayer, one more sharing a verse, one more home cooked meal, one more positive thought or word of encouragement wouldn't have been the fix at all.
This takes time to feel, believe and accept. It takes time to get comfortable with this truth.
Nobody can do it for you. Everyone can see it easier than you can. Everyone can say just "trust God". However, it requires your own faith and trust in God. It is your journey and you must develop that relationship with God through these tough things, and believe me when I say, it truly is in these horrific moments that the relationship grows strong. Yes, all of us can encourage, support and help carry the burden, but ultimately, nobody can do any of this for you. You must exercise your method and process of working out these things in your heart and mind through prayer and seeking God. He is truly the one of ALL comfort.
I understand this is the common thought. I also understand we are taught to ask questions. To try to make sense of it all. To inquiry as to why, even when there may not be an answer to the question, we still ask, "But why?".
I hope to share more that maybe will help people understand my perspective about this. I don't expect you to agree. I also don't expect you to necesarily share my perspective, I simply want to help open your eyes, your heart, your mind to another view point that might help you relate to people who are hurting, who are in predicaments they never thought they would find themselves in, who are facing things that on the surface you would never see.
Terry attempted suicide 05.02.2013 or 05.03.2013 depending on when he actually swallowed the pills. Does it matter that that was the day before/day of my parents anniversary?
Terry took over 200 pills. Does the quantity of pills he took change any dynamics of his attempt at suicide? If he had taken 100 or 50, would you think that was better?
Terry was found unresponsive, approximately 22 hours later, no medication bottles around, in his clothes, drenched in urine, his cell phone in his pocket, having burned his skin due to the reaction of urine and the battery, a wound on his head from having fallen, a note left addressed to several people [which I have never seen as it was taken by the police as evidence].
Do any of these details make you have more compassion? Do they make you relate more to the situation? Do they bring you more peace? Do they make the situation easier to bear? Do they comfort you? Do they bring answers?
For me, they didn't. They provided explanation as to more of the details relating to the attempt at suicide, facts, not feelings, confirming that it was for sure deliberate, but didn't provide any direct answers to help understand this guy who was hurting.
I kept people informed about the situation with my brother via my blog posts during the month of May 2010, but most of these specific details aren't listed there. I didn't share them with many people either in person. No reason other than people can't handle these types of things, they shy away from the pain and hurt that comes from learning these details, they don't know how to comfort, they only want to know to be able to share the details. People don't know what to say or say things they shouldn't. Many times trying to be kind they say hurtful things. However, if I had listed them/given you all the nitty gritty details upfront or had shared them with you in person, would it have changed your perspective of my brother? My parents? My sister? Me? Would it have increased your empathy or sympathy? Would you have been more loving? Or would you have actually been more condemning, more judgemental, more inquisitive, more concerned, more confused, more depressed, and maybe been less loving? Would you have given my brother more grace or less grace? Would you have been kinder to me or been more cruel?
Do you get my point? The details don't really matter. Other than doctors needed to know how many and what kind of pills he took in order to help him further. Other than the police need to put the chronological order of events together for their consolidated report. Other than those that are close to the situation want to know what happened as they try to piece the pieces of the puzzle together, but in the end, none of those details really and truly matter. They don't solve the problem. It still exists. The person attempted suicide. They wanted out. They were done. They are hurting. They are still in need of Jesus love and healing.
Having faced this, I can tell you that no matter what people say, you go through the questions in your heart and mind, replaying the last conversation you had with that person, playing what if scenarios in your head, asking yourself maybe if I had said or done this, maybe if I had listened more, maybe if I had tried to reach out more, maybe if I had whatever, you fill in the blank, this wouldn't have happened. It is hard to accept that deep down, we all can do more, but in all likelihood would not have changed anything. One more hug, one more I Love You, one more talk on the phone, one more power chat session, one more prayer, one more sharing a verse, one more home cooked meal, one more positive thought or word of encouragement wouldn't have been the fix at all.
This takes time to feel, believe and accept. It takes time to get comfortable with this truth.
Nobody can do it for you. Everyone can see it easier than you can. Everyone can say just "trust God". However, it requires your own faith and trust in God. It is your journey and you must develop that relationship with God through these tough things, and believe me when I say, it truly is in these horrific moments that the relationship grows strong. Yes, all of us can encourage, support and help carry the burden, but ultimately, nobody can do any of this for you. You must exercise your method and process of working out these things in your heart and mind through prayer and seeking God. He is truly the one of ALL comfort.
thoughts on fervent prayer [part 2]
If you are just catching this thread of thoughts on prayer, feel free to read the first post here. In order to save it from turning into a book, I have posted additional thoughts in a part 2 today...because believe it or not, I have more...
Since that time, my prayer life has grown.
I do not feel ashamed to ask you to pray for me. I don't care if you understand my prayer request. It is specific to me and if you are a prayer warrior, you will pray.
In any situation that I feel fear, pain, sorrow, grief, confusion, frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, disbelief, overwhelmed, defeated, like a failure, unsuccessful, backed in a corner...I pray.
In any situation that I feel blessed, grateful, joyful, excited, thrilled, loved, understood, cared for, benefited, wanted, brave...I pray.
I am learning what it means to pray. Fervently pray. Pray without ceasing.
But I don't just ask you to pray for me. I also ask how I can pray for you. I want you to know that your friendship, your life, your hurts are apart of me and I will pray for you. I will be a friend and encourage you to be encouraged by the one who gives each of us life!
Since that time, my prayer life has grown.
I do not feel ashamed to ask you to pray for me. I don't care if you understand my prayer request. It is specific to me and if you are a prayer warrior, you will pray.
In any situation that I feel fear, pain, sorrow, grief, confusion, frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, disbelief, overwhelmed, defeated, like a failure, unsuccessful, backed in a corner...I pray.
In any situation that I feel blessed, grateful, joyful, excited, thrilled, loved, understood, cared for, benefited, wanted, brave...I pray.
I am learning what it means to pray. Fervently pray. Pray without ceasing.
But I don't just ask you to pray for me. I also ask how I can pray for you. I want you to know that your friendship, your life, your hurts are apart of me and I will pray for you. I will be a friend and encourage you to be encouraged by the one who gives each of us life!
Monday, November 25, 2013
sympathy in times of difficulty
It's been 3.5 years. I still remember the experience of May 2010.
The night I got a call that my brother attempted suicide for the 6th time. My first, first hand experience. [This hasn't been the last time he has done this, but the only one I have been close enough to be apart of.] I was told not to go to the hospital, but to got to bed because he was non responsive and there was nothing I could do. I didn't argue. I did what I was told. I had to work the next day.
But I didn't sleep. My mind wandered through my childhood, through what we experienced, what my brother experienced, why he suffered, why my life was different. My thoughts were like daggers, they shot out of nowhere. I was restless, I didn't know what to do. Knew my Mom & Dad would blame me. Knew that my sister would be angry. Knew that the days ahead were going to be beyond tough.
I had no clue how tough.
My brother was non responsive for 3 days. I went to the ICU of the hospital before work. I went to the ICU of the hospital during lunch. I went to the ICU of the hospital after work. For 4 days. I ate on the run. I slept on the run. I lived on the run. I took calls between on my drive. I texted between tasks at work. I cried between the times when my boss was in and out of the office. I cried between phone calls at work. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do. I prayed as if my life depended on it. Because it did.
When he did wake up, he was mean, ugly and hateful. Very hateful to the point that the person who had provided him a place to live, walked out on him. I stayed. I talked to him. I tried to show him I loved him and cared deeply, that I wanted the best for him. I wasn't sure it worked. But I was determined to give every ounce of anything I had to his success.
This was my routine until he was moved to the mental health department/ward of the hospital and then things became more restrictive, not less. Limited hours of visiting. Limited people to see him. Limited items in his possession. Limited everything under the sun.
These memories become very vivid when someone you know and love attempts the same thing. Is at the same hospital. Is going through the same protocols. Is showing the same signs and symptoms. Is hurting. Is wanting a way out of life. Is discouraged. Is questioning God. Is condemned for their actions. Is told things that are not true. Is confused. Doesn't feel there is hope.
My heart aches. I know what they are facing, first hand.
Reliving these memories the last few days truly is hard to put into words how quickly you can be back in a zone, remember the details, sympathize in the pain, and yet still praise God for his love, his care, the impact he makes in all the details.
In reflecting, I am grateful for the lessons learned through this experience from the Letting Go Poem given to me by the hospital staff. The ability to be able to listen to a hurting mother pour out her heart, her grief, her pain, her sorrow, her regret, her questions, her hope, her love, her faith in God, her belief that he will work all things for good, her desire to be different, her need for friends.
It reminds me of how I was able to take strength in the truth and sing "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Chris Tomlin, by myelf [solo] and a Capella [no accompiant] the following Sunday not quite a week after my brother attempted suicide, when my heart was aching and screaming for answers, when people had shallow words of comfort, when nobody could understand what I knew he was facing and why, when everyday life was truly just hard, when God was the only person I felt understood.
It is why, when I needed to be on the road out of town to a clients office today, I choose to stay, I sat and listened. I didn't ask questions. It doesn't matter why her son attempted suicide. It doesn't matter how he did it. It doesn't matter what people think the problem is. It doesn't matter how they think they will fix it. It doesn't matter. None of that matters. God is the only one who can fix it. None of the rest matters. When I say it doesn't matter, I mean it, it truly doesn't matter one bit.
He is hurting. He feels life isn't worth it. He is discouraged. He is feeling lost. He is doubting. He needs encouragement. He needs love. He needs friends. He needs support. He needs prayer. He needs Jesus.
I wish people would get a clue.
You face enough of your own doubts during times like this. You don't need other people heaping them on you. It only drives the hurt deeper into your heart.
What could I have said different? What could I have done different? What did I do to contribute to this problem? How can I help? How can I give strength? What will happen? If only...
What matters? That we be the arms, the feet, the hands, the ears, the heart of God. That we listen. That we love. That we show we care. That we point to the one who is the God of all comfort. The one who provides strength. The one who gives hope. The one who loves beyond all doubt. The one who gave his life for us. The one. And only one. God.
I only pray that somehow I can encourage those facing this time of trial, difficulty, pain the same way. I pray that by my experience through something I never dreamed I would face, that I can share in their pain and suffering.
It is easy to forget. It is easy to lose heart. It is easy to get out of focus.
God LOVES you! God cares deeply about what you are facing. He is with you, in every step of this courageous journey!
The night I got a call that my brother attempted suicide for the 6th time. My first, first hand experience. [This hasn't been the last time he has done this, but the only one I have been close enough to be apart of.] I was told not to go to the hospital, but to got to bed because he was non responsive and there was nothing I could do. I didn't argue. I did what I was told. I had to work the next day.
But I didn't sleep. My mind wandered through my childhood, through what we experienced, what my brother experienced, why he suffered, why my life was different. My thoughts were like daggers, they shot out of nowhere. I was restless, I didn't know what to do. Knew my Mom & Dad would blame me. Knew that my sister would be angry. Knew that the days ahead were going to be beyond tough.
I had no clue how tough.
My brother was non responsive for 3 days. I went to the ICU of the hospital before work. I went to the ICU of the hospital during lunch. I went to the ICU of the hospital after work. For 4 days. I ate on the run. I slept on the run. I lived on the run. I took calls between on my drive. I texted between tasks at work. I cried between the times when my boss was in and out of the office. I cried between phone calls at work. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do. I prayed as if my life depended on it. Because it did.
When he did wake up, he was mean, ugly and hateful. Very hateful to the point that the person who had provided him a place to live, walked out on him. I stayed. I talked to him. I tried to show him I loved him and cared deeply, that I wanted the best for him. I wasn't sure it worked. But I was determined to give every ounce of anything I had to his success.
This was my routine until he was moved to the mental health department/ward of the hospital and then things became more restrictive, not less. Limited hours of visiting. Limited people to see him. Limited items in his possession. Limited everything under the sun.
These memories become very vivid when someone you know and love attempts the same thing. Is at the same hospital. Is going through the same protocols. Is showing the same signs and symptoms. Is hurting. Is wanting a way out of life. Is discouraged. Is questioning God. Is condemned for their actions. Is told things that are not true. Is confused. Doesn't feel there is hope.
My heart aches. I know what they are facing, first hand.
Reliving these memories the last few days truly is hard to put into words how quickly you can be back in a zone, remember the details, sympathize in the pain, and yet still praise God for his love, his care, the impact he makes in all the details.
In reflecting, I am grateful for the lessons learned through this experience from the Letting Go Poem given to me by the hospital staff. The ability to be able to listen to a hurting mother pour out her heart, her grief, her pain, her sorrow, her regret, her questions, her hope, her love, her faith in God, her belief that he will work all things for good, her desire to be different, her need for friends.
It reminds me of how I was able to take strength in the truth and sing "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Chris Tomlin, by myelf [solo] and a Capella [no accompiant] the following Sunday not quite a week after my brother attempted suicide, when my heart was aching and screaming for answers, when people had shallow words of comfort, when nobody could understand what I knew he was facing and why, when everyday life was truly just hard, when God was the only person I felt understood.
It is why, when I needed to be on the road out of town to a clients office today, I choose to stay, I sat and listened. I didn't ask questions. It doesn't matter why her son attempted suicide. It doesn't matter how he did it. It doesn't matter what people think the problem is. It doesn't matter how they think they will fix it. It doesn't matter. None of that matters. God is the only one who can fix it. None of the rest matters. When I say it doesn't matter, I mean it, it truly doesn't matter one bit.
He is hurting. He feels life isn't worth it. He is discouraged. He is feeling lost. He is doubting. He needs encouragement. He needs love. He needs friends. He needs support. He needs prayer. He needs Jesus.
I wish people would get a clue.
You face enough of your own doubts during times like this. You don't need other people heaping them on you. It only drives the hurt deeper into your heart.
What could I have said different? What could I have done different? What did I do to contribute to this problem? How can I help? How can I give strength? What will happen? If only...
What matters? That we be the arms, the feet, the hands, the ears, the heart of God. That we listen. That we love. That we show we care. That we point to the one who is the God of all comfort. The one who provides strength. The one who gives hope. The one who loves beyond all doubt. The one who gave his life for us. The one. And only one. God.
I only pray that somehow I can encourage those facing this time of trial, difficulty, pain the same way. I pray that by my experience through something I never dreamed I would face, that I can share in their pain and suffering.
It is easy to forget. It is easy to lose heart. It is easy to get out of focus.
God LOVES you! God cares deeply about what you are facing. He is with you, in every step of this courageous journey!
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
you are amazing
 |
| I love friends that help remind you of things you need to remember & know... this was one of those for me. |
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
thoughts on fervent prayer [part 1]
Prayer is something as a child I thought was really simply a way to Thank God for things you already knew he knew and a way to ask for things you wanted. I didn't understand prayer to be something that was communication on the level it was meant to be with my Lord and Savior, until the last few years. Mom & Dad would use a cliche statement "Pray about it honey." My parents never prayed with me outside of the dinner table. I was never shown how to carry out a request for prayer, I was just told to do it. I didn't know what that really looked like or felt like. I never felt that my prayer life brought peace. It was very routine, and God felt very distant. I still prayed, but I didn't comprehend the benefit of it.
My prayer life has changed. Dramatically since last year, specifically September 2012 when I joined a Woman's Bible Study Group. At the end of our weekly lesson, we would go around the room asking for prayer. This was an all new experience for me as the only way I knew of group praying was in a "church" setting. Each week at the next lesson, the gals would followup on the prayer requests for the week before and inquire if any had been answered, if things had changed, was the prayer request still on the list, were there any others to add to the list, etc. We had opportunities to Thank God for answered prayers and to cry harder for things that brought further grief and a desire for more fervent prayer. Many times the prayer requests were emailed out so people could pray during the week and not forget the details of these requests. At the end of the lesson, sometimes we would even close the time in prayer and the prayer requests would be mentioned then. I had never experienced any of this before.
Believe me when I say it felt strange at first. I wasn't used to sharing my prayer life with other people, people I didn't know outside of a Woman's Bible Study Group. I wasn't used to sharing prayer requests either, specific requests. Sure, the big stuff everyone knows is going on in your life and that are horrific enough that they know you are facing a challenge is okay, people "know these things". But not the things that might be bothering you in your life, maybe even something you couldn't quite put your finger on, maybe something of concern to you, or things that you felt were beyond your control or wisdom to know how to handle, maybe even small things of importance to you in my personal life but really not when you look at the big picture but still troubling, irritating, frustrating...but enough to bother someone else enough to ask them to add it to their prayer list??? No, not a chance.
I wasn't used to people following up on my prayer requests, getting back in touch with me to let me know they prayed for me, taking the time to send me an email with the prayer request, or a text message with the prayer they prayed on my behalf. I truly didn't feel that important. I didn't feel my concerns needed to be brought to the attention of others and I didn't believe in my heart of hearts that they really would pray for me. I was used to the pat on the should in passing and a statement "I will pray for you".
During my Woman's Bible Study Course, the date got set for my surgery. Everyone knew it was a big day for me, not just because of my concerns with anesthesiology, not just because of the impact surgery was potentially to have on my health, but the fact insurance was not going to cover my surgery. This was a HUGE deal for me. I was facing some great fears and I needed prayers, desperately. I requested prayers from the ladies in my Bible Study Group, and one lady asked if before I left, if I would mind, if they actually could pray with me...for me...over me. I wasn't sure what to expect, but believe me, by now, I was all in. I wanted prayer. I had seen the difference prayer had made in my life in a few short weeks. What did I have to loose to do this too? They all stood around me and prayed with me, putting their hands on my back, my shoulders, my arm. They wanted me to know they cared, they were connected, they were in touch with my pain. Multiple people prayed over me before I left that day.
In the midst of all this, I met with someone to share in some strategic business planning and this guy, never having met me before, before I left asked how he could pray for me. I shared my impending surgery and he asked if he could pray with me before I left. I was blown away. There really were people out there who took prayer to a level I wasn't familiar with.
I then made myself vulnerable and emailed all my close friends asking them to fervently pray for me. I shared why I was afraid and that I needed their prayers. I never received response beyond "I will pray for you"...but neither did I expect them to be able to do what others had done for me. They didn't understand prayer on this level.
Regardless, the results of all these prayers are one of the reasons I believe my surgery was such a success. I had prayer warriors all over praying for me!!!
In December 2012, I had lunch one day with one of the ladies of my Bible Study Group and her husband at Olive Garden. They frequent this place and knew the waiter by name and her story. When they asked her how her day was going, she burst into tears. She had been serving a table of about 20 senior couples and they were making her job really hard. My friends husband, took initiative right then and said "Look me in the eyes, I am not going to close my eyes and neither are you but I am going to pray for you. You with me?" She nodded. He prayed. He prayed for her to be freed from this burden, for her to feel and know God's love for her, he prayed that these people out to bring harm would stop, that she would get assistance from other coworkers to finish out this shift so she could manage her tables, he prayed that God would still bless her with tips, he prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for at least 4 minutes or so.
I was in shock. I have never seen someone truly care so much about someone to actually quickly, passionately, emphatically pray with someone.
My heart knew that my prayer life had more work to do. I wanted to be like that! I wanted to impact peoples lives and share in their hurt, their pain, their difficulties, their trials. I wanted to encourage. I wanted to support. I wanted to show I cared. Because I do!
My prayer life has changed. Dramatically since last year, specifically September 2012 when I joined a Woman's Bible Study Group. At the end of our weekly lesson, we would go around the room asking for prayer. This was an all new experience for me as the only way I knew of group praying was in a "church" setting. Each week at the next lesson, the gals would followup on the prayer requests for the week before and inquire if any had been answered, if things had changed, was the prayer request still on the list, were there any others to add to the list, etc. We had opportunities to Thank God for answered prayers and to cry harder for things that brought further grief and a desire for more fervent prayer. Many times the prayer requests were emailed out so people could pray during the week and not forget the details of these requests. At the end of the lesson, sometimes we would even close the time in prayer and the prayer requests would be mentioned then. I had never experienced any of this before.
Believe me when I say it felt strange at first. I wasn't used to sharing my prayer life with other people, people I didn't know outside of a Woman's Bible Study Group. I wasn't used to sharing prayer requests either, specific requests. Sure, the big stuff everyone knows is going on in your life and that are horrific enough that they know you are facing a challenge is okay, people "know these things". But not the things that might be bothering you in your life, maybe even something you couldn't quite put your finger on, maybe something of concern to you, or things that you felt were beyond your control or wisdom to know how to handle, maybe even small things of importance to you in my personal life but really not when you look at the big picture but still troubling, irritating, frustrating...but enough to bother someone else enough to ask them to add it to their prayer list??? No, not a chance.
I wasn't used to people following up on my prayer requests, getting back in touch with me to let me know they prayed for me, taking the time to send me an email with the prayer request, or a text message with the prayer they prayed on my behalf. I truly didn't feel that important. I didn't feel my concerns needed to be brought to the attention of others and I didn't believe in my heart of hearts that they really would pray for me. I was used to the pat on the should in passing and a statement "I will pray for you".
During my Woman's Bible Study Course, the date got set for my surgery. Everyone knew it was a big day for me, not just because of my concerns with anesthesiology, not just because of the impact surgery was potentially to have on my health, but the fact insurance was not going to cover my surgery. This was a HUGE deal for me. I was facing some great fears and I needed prayers, desperately. I requested prayers from the ladies in my Bible Study Group, and one lady asked if before I left, if I would mind, if they actually could pray with me...for me...over me. I wasn't sure what to expect, but believe me, by now, I was all in. I wanted prayer. I had seen the difference prayer had made in my life in a few short weeks. What did I have to loose to do this too? They all stood around me and prayed with me, putting their hands on my back, my shoulders, my arm. They wanted me to know they cared, they were connected, they were in touch with my pain. Multiple people prayed over me before I left that day.
In the midst of all this, I met with someone to share in some strategic business planning and this guy, never having met me before, before I left asked how he could pray for me. I shared my impending surgery and he asked if he could pray with me before I left. I was blown away. There really were people out there who took prayer to a level I wasn't familiar with.
I then made myself vulnerable and emailed all my close friends asking them to fervently pray for me. I shared why I was afraid and that I needed their prayers. I never received response beyond "I will pray for you"...but neither did I expect them to be able to do what others had done for me. They didn't understand prayer on this level.
Regardless, the results of all these prayers are one of the reasons I believe my surgery was such a success. I had prayer warriors all over praying for me!!!
In December 2012, I had lunch one day with one of the ladies of my Bible Study Group and her husband at Olive Garden. They frequent this place and knew the waiter by name and her story. When they asked her how her day was going, she burst into tears. She had been serving a table of about 20 senior couples and they were making her job really hard. My friends husband, took initiative right then and said "Look me in the eyes, I am not going to close my eyes and neither are you but I am going to pray for you. You with me?" She nodded. He prayed. He prayed for her to be freed from this burden, for her to feel and know God's love for her, he prayed that these people out to bring harm would stop, that she would get assistance from other coworkers to finish out this shift so she could manage her tables, he prayed that God would still bless her with tips, he prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for at least 4 minutes or so.
I was in shock. I have never seen someone truly care so much about someone to actually quickly, passionately, emphatically pray with someone.
My heart knew that my prayer life had more work to do. I wanted to be like that! I wanted to impact peoples lives and share in their hurt, their pain, their difficulties, their trials. I wanted to encourage. I wanted to support. I wanted to show I cared. Because I do!
Quotes
In order to grow, there must be change. Change many times causes pain. Pain typically comes from unpleasant experiences and challenges that shake your very frame. Peace comes from accepting the pain. Faith enables you to have peace.
- Misty
- Misty
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
50 Things About Me
There is this neat thing going around Facebook...you are given a Number and then you must share facts that your FB peeps may not know about you. I think it is really cool because you get to learn things about people you love and are close to. I was given Number 8...but thought it would be fun to take this to 50. So I am doing that today on my blog. The first 8 items are what I posted on FB. Since you are a follower of my blog, you may or may not already know some of these...
1. At age 8, this is my first memory of a relationship with God and asking him to save me.
2. I graduated High School at age 15.
3. I wanted to run away from home more times then you could imagine. I finally got brave and walked out at age 20 and was told by my parents I would never be welcome back to the house and I would be dead in 2 years. I have never been back and I have lived an additional 16+ years.
4. I flew my first airline trip with John & Rhoda Stuart Otis September 1997.
5. I have had 6 [unsuccessful] dating relationships in which I have been told I: make too much money, am too independent, ask too many questions, have too high expectations, but each of these began with "I know you are the girl I am going to marry, whether you know it or not, you are for me".
6. I started my business at age 27.
7. I would love to give Danica Patrick some competition! 145.81mph was an awesome experience through NASCAR Racing Experience and I loved every minute of it!!!
8. I am writing a book [after years of being told I should I am finally getting brave to tell my story].
9. I am a fanatic about recycling. It was mandatory in California and I have continued the practice since moving to Texas. I even take clients shredding to the drop off bins around town if they don't have a shredding service.
10. I have severe Allergies and Adrenal Fatigue issues.
11. I am a workaholic.
12. I have knitting in my car and will bring it out when stuck in traffic, waiting for the train at the railroad tracks...I don't knit and drive like I used to because of the incredulous concern of my friends.
13. I have been a bridesmaid in two weddings, was asked to be in a third and I regret I wasn't.
14. I was a flower girl in my aunts wedding at age 6 and wanted to marry the ring bearer when I grew up.
15. I was required by my parents to save 50% of my income, including babysitting and any extra side jobs.
16. I have had 1.5 years of piano lessons and due to my parents budget and finance issues, I had to quit. I wish I had never quit.
17. I am the oldest child in the family.
18. My nickname by my Dad was strombolini (don't know what it means...never understood the crazy nickname). The other nickname given to me by family to ridicule me was thepalefaceone. One of my girlfriends calls me Agent Gilbert (because I am always prepared or try to be).
19. Spending time out by the pool is one o f my favorite things.
20. I strive to write thank you notes and follow up letters to every person I meet.
21. I made my first skirt all by myself at age 10.
22. I keep way too much stuff.
23. I bought my home in 2007.
24. I never went to college.
25. I love connecting with people and seeing how I can help them.
26. I am a silver girl, rarely wear gold.
27. I am a California transplant to Texas.
28. I hate cliches probably almost as passionately as I detest VIP programs.
29. I have never been to Six Flags or any like amusement park and ridden the roller coaster rides and this is on my bucket list.
30. I want to impact the world in some way and create something that generates a passive income like eBay, Facebook, Etsy, Pandora...but I haven't figured out what that is yet.
31. I want to learn to dance.
32. I don't look my age.
33. I rode the city bus to work for 2 years, paying $1.00 each way as I wasn't allowed to have a car because that was too independent and my parents wouldn't cosign or allow me to get a car.
34. I started getting an allowance in the sixth grade when I begged Mom to ask Dad for one after being ridiculed severely in school. I was given $0.25 a week. But I was happy. I could say I got an allowance!!! The increases never got more than $2.50 a week and quit when I got a job.
35. I do not like to play card games or board games. This was forced family time growing up and it brings ill feelings very quickly.
36. Every journal I have ever had I have eventually burned or trashed out of fear hence the reason I never felt I could write a book.
37. I love having guy friends as much as I love having girlfriends. They are different but equally beneficial.
38. I wrote letters every week to people growing up.
39. I have owned 4 Honda Civics, the first bought 2 years old, the last 3 bought brand new, and I wrecked the third one by rear ending someone this year in Dallas.
40. I want to skydive. This is on my bucket list.
41. My first gray hairs appeared when I was 13 years old.
42. I love to drink water.
43. I love to entertain and cook for friends, but one person, not so much.
44. Fever blisters love my lips.
45. I thrive on finding ways to succeed and do things people say can't be done.
46. I love the color red.
47. I will never be a birth mom.
48. I wish I knew what it was like to have a lovely family relationship.
49. My voicemail says Seize the Day.
50. My relationship with God means more to me than anything else in the world!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Quotes
Stop being your own worst enemy. If God loves you, why don't you love you?
You are worthy of love & acceptance.
Yes you are.
- Sandi Krakowski
You are worthy of love & acceptance.
Yes you are.
- Sandi Krakowski
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
{friendship} reflections
Some days, I get overwhelmed with my friendships.
I had lunch today with one of those people who I value, a friendship that matters deeply to me, someone that I can just be me with, who makes me feel comfortable and doesn't make me have to meet a box of approval, but to just be, live and enjoy life as it is knowing God LOVES me.
A true friend who doesn't wig out when tears fall down your face, you have no words, and are overcome with pain. As you sit there and pick at your food.
When you question why. When you struggle at finding the answers. When you know God is bigger than all of this, but somehow it still seems overwhelming.
Friendships like this that exude kindness makes it easier to bear the pain. I love and appreciate each one of you for your part in my life!
I had lunch today with one of those people who I value, a friendship that matters deeply to me, someone that I can just be me with, who makes me feel comfortable and doesn't make me have to meet a box of approval, but to just be, live and enjoy life as it is knowing God LOVES me.
A true friend who doesn't wig out when tears fall down your face, you have no words, and are overcome with pain. As you sit there and pick at your food.
When you question why. When you struggle at finding the answers. When you know God is bigger than all of this, but somehow it still seems overwhelming.
Friendships like this that exude kindness makes it easier to bear the pain. I love and appreciate each one of you for your part in my life!
Monday, November 11, 2013
time change creates chaos
Time change wrecks havoc on my being. Every year.
Every year I promise I am going to do better at the results of its impact to avoid the results. I thought I was on track for that this year. Two weeks ahead of time I tried to alter my sleep schedule. Stayed in bed a bit longer and stayed up an hour later. This should fix it, right?
Wrong. Or if it should have, it didn't.
Course, I had a conference the day after the time change. Up early. Up late. Go go go all day, talking to people, engaging conversations, meeting new people, trying to be your absolute best the entire day, thinking hard, drinking Starbucks Coffee that was at the event after being sworn off coffee for some time now (except for the occasional treat), and no rest for the go-getter.
I knew it was going to be a packed week. I was determined to make the best of it.
Take someone to the airport from the conference, rush home to catch up on 3 days of emails, return voicemails, unload the suitcase, repack, get a massage, meet a girlfriend for dinner after an impromptu invite, and dig in for a quick sleep. Back on the road early the next morning to be out of town to a clients office for full two days of work.
Worked late. As usual.
But I had thought I was doing good, I had made some "me time". I registered for a wreath making class to attend on my way home from the clients office over a month ago. However, I left the clients office 30 minutes late (surprise), got stuck in traffic (surprise again), and arrived 60 minutes late. Doing my best to catch up, I was pressed for time as I thought this fun was supposed to be over at 9pm, and that meant I had 90 minutes to complete my project. I was hustling. I did really well at moving along on my project, but alas, they didn't care if we ran over, encouraged us to shop the store during their 25% off sale and I didn't leave there till nearly 11pm...I crawled in bed at midnight.
So now we are at 5 days of a wacky schedule.
Planning to make the time change a smooth process was a fabulous idea with no practical results. And come Friday? I was dead. Exhausted. Didn't care to eat. Didn't want to work. Fever blisters all over my right lower lip and directly above on my right upper lip...you would have thought maybe I could squeeze my lips together and burst them it was that bad. I have never had a cluster of so many in one spot on both lips, directly above each other. I didn't feel stressed, which usually is what generates these for me...what was this from? How could I have so many of these so quickly?
How about trying to be superwoman and keep a schedule with very little sleep and a complete schedule thrown to the wind? How about having adrenals that just can't keep up? How about no stamina to stay up late anymore? How about hormones that are still trying to get on a routine?
Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? This I must figure out.
Every year I promise I am going to do better at the results of its impact to avoid the results. I thought I was on track for that this year. Two weeks ahead of time I tried to alter my sleep schedule. Stayed in bed a bit longer and stayed up an hour later. This should fix it, right?
Wrong. Or if it should have, it didn't.
Course, I had a conference the day after the time change. Up early. Up late. Go go go all day, talking to people, engaging conversations, meeting new people, trying to be your absolute best the entire day, thinking hard, drinking Starbucks Coffee that was at the event after being sworn off coffee for some time now (except for the occasional treat), and no rest for the go-getter.
I knew it was going to be a packed week. I was determined to make the best of it.
Take someone to the airport from the conference, rush home to catch up on 3 days of emails, return voicemails, unload the suitcase, repack, get a massage, meet a girlfriend for dinner after an impromptu invite, and dig in for a quick sleep. Back on the road early the next morning to be out of town to a clients office for full two days of work.
Worked late. As usual.
But I had thought I was doing good, I had made some "me time". I registered for a wreath making class to attend on my way home from the clients office over a month ago. However, I left the clients office 30 minutes late (surprise), got stuck in traffic (surprise again), and arrived 60 minutes late. Doing my best to catch up, I was pressed for time as I thought this fun was supposed to be over at 9pm, and that meant I had 90 minutes to complete my project. I was hustling. I did really well at moving along on my project, but alas, they didn't care if we ran over, encouraged us to shop the store during their 25% off sale and I didn't leave there till nearly 11pm...I crawled in bed at midnight.
So now we are at 5 days of a wacky schedule.
Planning to make the time change a smooth process was a fabulous idea with no practical results. And come Friday? I was dead. Exhausted. Didn't care to eat. Didn't want to work. Fever blisters all over my right lower lip and directly above on my right upper lip...you would have thought maybe I could squeeze my lips together and burst them it was that bad. I have never had a cluster of so many in one spot on both lips, directly above each other. I didn't feel stressed, which usually is what generates these for me...what was this from? How could I have so many of these so quickly?
How about trying to be superwoman and keep a schedule with very little sleep and a complete schedule thrown to the wind? How about having adrenals that just can't keep up? How about no stamina to stay up late anymore? How about hormones that are still trying to get on a routine?
Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? This I must figure out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)