Some days I think that Dating brings up more questions than answers. How do you find the answers? Some things aren't a morality issue or based off a principal from God. Is time the only answer that divulges the truth?
My personality is very intuitive, introspective, observant, passionate, courageous, determined, and loving. I show up this way in every way in life, and dating has not been an exception to this. In this process of putting myself out there to connect with men and get to know them, I am finding that some things are simply Men vs Woman, aka Mars vs Venus differences, but at other times they are simply personality differences.
These differences are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are opposites. We tend to make the way a guy thinks vs the way a girl thinks right vs wrong. What if we did more to understand that both are right, neither is wrong and learn to accept the differences and appreciate that each aspect of the differences allows us to connect in a way that we wouldn't have if we were the same? What if we tried to create a relationship that was a blend of both? One that enhanced the strengths of each person?
But how do you know when its a personality difference vs a guy that just isn't that into you? How do you figure out the man code and male language for what it is and not miss the meaning that he is trying to send you without having to ask a pointed question that makes him feel you are criticizing him? Or putting him on the spot? Without making him feel you are questioning his every move? Without making him feel he has to commit to a relationship when you know that he is trying to figure things out just as much as you are? Some days trying to listen to the clues and figure out the answers is more challenging than it seems.
The challenge is to communicate through them and not push the other person out the door. I am a communicator. I will share my thoughts, my heart, my feelings with you. I will ask questions, lots of questions. I generally don't find this very hard to do, even on difficult topics. When I do, I stop and pray and take a deep breath. I want you to do the same, communicate and ask questions. You may not communicate as I do and I am fine that you don't, just as long as communication happens so that I can learn to understand you. My goal isn't to communicate to push you away but to draw you closer. To connect on a level that makes you feel understood, loved and respected.
The challenge is to be patient. When I say be patient, I mean to be willing to let life happen to create enough opportunities for you to follow a pattern, not a one time incident to come to a conclusion about something. I am a problem solver. I don't let issues lay on the table. I want resolution. The challenge will be to exercise more patience and let what should be, be. Sometimes that means when I want to address something, I have to let it ride because a guy may not be ready for that and it might not be time to ask him to be ready for that. I am not desperate or in a rush to find my man, but I am also not interested in making something complicated or dragging something out that isn't meant to be a part of my life. Knowing how much time to give something and let it ride is a learning experience. Learning when is the right time to address something, question, or get clarification is a difficult thing with men.
The challenge is to remember that they have lived a life alone just like you and adjusting to having someone in your personal space takes time, no matter how much you enjoy each others company. There will need to be space given to move into a space of singleness to deep connection, if that is meant to happen. It means there are times the relationship is going to need space so that you can figure out what is important to you and what you really want. Both parties understanding this is a critical element to a healthy relationship.
The challenge is to remember that the goal of dating is to figure out if you are compatible. If you enjoy spending time with each other. If the initial attraction is something that you want to grow deeper. If both parties walk the talk [what they say and what they do align]. To understand what their story is. If you can embrace this person for where they are, willing to understand that we all have brokenness and they want to be loved just as much as you do, then you will be a fit. To figure out these answers you have to date.
Another challenge is to see if they follow through with what they say they are going to do. And when they don't, give them a chance to explain why. Sometimes things happen in life to intervene and they are not able to follow through on what they said they were going to do. Sometimes they truly forget. Other times they have no intention of keeping their word and you will find that out by the explanation they give you. You have to understand that the only way you will figure this out is to let the circumstances be what they will be and accept what they tell you is the reason and let them show you they are at the core. They will. You will figure out patterns and know if they are being honest with you.
The challenge is to figure out if he just thinks you are cute or if he likes you completely, the whole package you bring to the table. When you want them to understand, love and accept you for you its hard to believe that some people only care about one aspect and that the other characteristics are not important to them, but sometimes cute is as deep as they want to get with you. You can't lose focus and dismiss these things or you will have a relationship void of the true connection you desire.
I have not read the book, He's Just Not That Into You...but maybe I should...it might give me more answers to understanding men and the dilemmas of dating. For now, I am reading Getting the Love You Want, Boundaries in Dating, and Mars and Venus on a Date.
What tips would you give me to understand the clues of a man? Any books you have found helpful in moving into the male and female relationship? Any way you look to understand his personality vs the male dynamics as God created them?
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
a written prayer
Lord, may I live my life so in love with You, so in step with You, so intimately close with You, that people see You in me. Help me to exhibit Your peace in my storms, Your compassion for the hurting, Your forgiveness when wronged, Your commitment in service, and Your unconditional love for people. Help me live a life that is honoring to You in all that I do. Help me reflect Your likeness as I submit more and more of myself to Your Spirit’s indwelling and influence. When my days on earth have ended and I am ushered into Your presence, may all who reflect on my life be encouraged by my resemblance to You.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Dating Questions: How do you not become overwhelmed in this process?
The dating scene is new to me. Hahahahahah...you know this...but I just had to remind you in case you forgot. I am not a pro. I am in training. I am getting experience. Even after 9 weeks now of putting myself "out there"? I can't say I like it.
It's difficult. And not a difficulty I find fun or challenge that is intriguing. Sometimes it can feel like it's complicated, way more complicated than it appears. It is most definitely a roller coaster ride! You think you are on the ride up, making some headway and then mixed signals come or perplexing situation and you can't seem to piece the puzzle pieces together to make sense of it. And then other times it is clear that you are headed down, increasing speed, faster than you can think is possible. Sometimes so fast you wonder if you are going to crash. And then, you think maybe you should just derail or jump off? Skip this? And then sometimes you get small pieces put together in the puzzle and you say, Okay, deep breath. I think I can do this. I got this. God's got this. I am not crazy. All is good. And you dig into it deeper.
Ohhh, you think I am joking???
Geez, it plays with your emotions, more than anything I have had in my world for some time. I don't like chaos. I don't like uncertainty. I like structure. I like a plan. I like knowing what's gonna happen. I like being in control of my environment. I like a routine. This doesn't fit that mold and its requiring me to look at things differently. It's making me realize stuff about myself. My expectations out of myself and life, particularly.
Maybe you haven't experienced what I have, but having had a childhood full of chaos, I strive to create anything but chaos. Having lived every moment in uncertainty, I make every effort to create certainty of the things I can. Having lived in structure, I don't know lack of structure. Having always being a part of a family who couldn't make decisions, couldn't stick to a plan, couldn't show up and live out their life without fear, drama and control, I make a plan and follow it through, adjusting it when and as is needed but never forgetting the reason for the original plan. I have benefited greatly from having a routine. I get more done by this aspect of my life and with being an entrepreneur it has been one of the reasons I have been so successful.
So when you experience the opposite in dating, it's hard to not just get in there and fix it. As a consultant and trainer, I am always evaluating and analyzing to make things more efficient, to increase production, to streamline processes, to evaluate what is working and what isn't and make changes accordingly. This is a skill I have and have adapted it to my trade and what I do well at. But it doesn't seem to be working in the dating scene. Or is it and I am just not good at it? I am learning sometimes you just have to let things ride. They will work themselves out as they are supposed to if you give it time and seek God in prayer. I don't mean that as a cliche statement. I mean it as a reality.
Either way, I haven't been able to avoid some of the emotional chaos this dating scene has brought into my world. When I say emotional chaos, I am talking about that emotional roller coaster ride. Maybe this emotional chaos is another reason I have lost more weight besides that Yoga is having some positive results on my body??? Either way, I am down yet another size. The smallest I have ever been since moving to Texas.
Sorry, that was a tangent...back to the dating scene.
If I had my preference, I would rather just accidentally meet you somewhere then have to "go find you". Seriously. You know at church, at an evening over at a friends house, a fundraiser, while working at a charity event like Ronald McDonald House where I serve monthly, or at a clients office...yah, something casual, not so out there as one individual meeting another individual and going "out on a date". Something without having to go through this routine, over and over and over.
But so far that hasn't been an option and therefore here I am, doing the online dating thing. For now. I am under no obligation or commitment to it. And I might decide I want to give up the search to "go find you" and let God drop you in my lap as I have said before would be the best way.
I must be honest and tell you, initially it was beyond overwhelming. Especially for me at the beginning when I started this process. Probably because of the dynamics of my own personal story with this and the fact that at 37 I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, and I obviously had no idea what to expect. In the first two weeks, I hate to admit it because it makes me sick, but I had 65 guys messaging me!!! Maybe you find that flattering, I wasn't sure it was so much of a compliment. I am not into myself thinking I am this hot chic and didn't find that to be what I wanted as a response, I wasn't looking for a bunch of people to have to respond to. Believe me when I tell you that THIS WAS NOT what I expected, but what did I expect??? I honestly don't know, just not that for sure.
I have responded to every email, notification, or match that I have gotten. There is a plethora of guys, but not men necessarily I want in my world. Some of you don't understand why I would/do respond to each person. I don't see any reason to be mean and I think no response creates a cold silence that is just that. It's mean. Even if I don't find you attractive or my type after looking at your pictures, reading your profile, and maybe having some dialogue with you, I think its only appropriate to be kind and respond. I will be honest and keep things where I see them. I am not into playing games. I am not into being rude. You have a purpose as to why you are on there and so do I. If you are not interested you, should say so. If I am not interested, I should say so.
Some of you have said, "Of course you would get that amount of a response Misty, you are cute, dang cute!" Really. Is dating just all about being cute? A dang cute guy or a dang cute girl? I sure hope not!
For me, dang cute doesn't mean that they like my profile description of what I am looking for. Dang cute doesn't mean we are compatible or that our values, beliefs and boundaries are remotely the same. Dang cute doesn't mean you have a fun personality. Dang cute doesn't mean you can make me laugh. Dang cute doesn't mean that you love God. Dang cute doesn't mean you are respectful. Dang cute doesn't mean you are honest. Dang cute doesn't mean you can or will communicate. Dang cute doesn't mean you are fun. Dang cute doesn't and isn't everything. But yes, dang cute is an attribute we each want and I hope to find me a dang cute guy that thinks I am a dang cute girl and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Sure do!
So...Call me ignorant. Call me oblivious. Call me a blond brunette. This response was exhausting. Yes, you weed out 95% of them quickly for various reasons. But no matter how you look at it, it is still exhausting. Sometimes flat out discouraging. Sometimes a bunch of fun. Sometimes really frustrating. Sometimes intriguing. Sometimes exciting. Sometimes perplexing. But in reality, it truly is a mix of all of it! Just like all the rest of the things we experience in life. There are good and bad moments to each encounter.
You ask many of the same questions to every person. You have to tell the same story over and over and over. You have to try to figure out if they are being open, honest, authentic, and sincere. You have to figure out their personality. You have to figure out if you have a connection. You have to figure out if they are of interest to you or you are to them. You have to figure out if they are just another player out for a short lived girlfriend fling. You have to figure out so much stuff...
After several weeks of this process, the overwhelmed feeling not dissipating, the frustrations with dating taking control over my life, I decided to change my approach and only will get on maybe once a week. No more checking it morning and night. And then, when I made that decision, I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted to do that because I am not interested in being overwhelmed. I am not interested in making my life chaotic. I am not interested in making this difficult, any more than it needs to be or any more than I have to have it be, I will keep it simple. And keeping it simple I have. I haven't been on in over 3 weeks. Yes, there will be difficulties to it, all relationships take work, but I am not into forcing something to come about and happen in my life. If this is something that is meant to happen, then I know my God will make sure it does. He is the one who has the perfect plan for my life and when the time is right, it will be perfect just then, no sooner, no later. Completely. That being said, I will do my part, but I can't make someone show up and be there in my life who doesn't want to be and truly, why would I want someone who doesn't want to be that in my life? Not a chance. Life is too short and too full of opportunities to drag someone into it that doesn't want to be there.
Who says I have to do this check it so often, spend so much time on it, go on so many dates, etc? Yah, nobody. I will make my own rules and I will do it at my own pace. If you, Mr. Guy, don't like it that I don't respond quickly enough, you can go find another dang cute chic because I am sure they will be happy to have you hitting them up. I am not into seeing how many guys I can get to like my profile or pictures. Or how many guys I can rack up in sending me messages. I am not that kind of chic. I am not into just being hit on for the fun of it, I want to find someone I enjoy being with and want to share every moment of my life with. If you are that, I will know it in due time and if you are not, well, we will both keep searching. Or maybe I will give up searching.
Either way, know this:
Have you done online dating? If so, what was your method? If not, but you did dating, what recommendations do you have? Any suggestions on how to make this process not so overwhelming and emotionally challenging???
It's difficult. And not a difficulty I find fun or challenge that is intriguing. Sometimes it can feel like it's complicated, way more complicated than it appears. It is most definitely a roller coaster ride! You think you are on the ride up, making some headway and then mixed signals come or perplexing situation and you can't seem to piece the puzzle pieces together to make sense of it. And then other times it is clear that you are headed down, increasing speed, faster than you can think is possible. Sometimes so fast you wonder if you are going to crash. And then, you think maybe you should just derail or jump off? Skip this? And then sometimes you get small pieces put together in the puzzle and you say, Okay, deep breath. I think I can do this. I got this. God's got this. I am not crazy. All is good. And you dig into it deeper.
Ohhh, you think I am joking???
Geez, it plays with your emotions, more than anything I have had in my world for some time. I don't like chaos. I don't like uncertainty. I like structure. I like a plan. I like knowing what's gonna happen. I like being in control of my environment. I like a routine. This doesn't fit that mold and its requiring me to look at things differently. It's making me realize stuff about myself. My expectations out of myself and life, particularly.
Maybe you haven't experienced what I have, but having had a childhood full of chaos, I strive to create anything but chaos. Having lived every moment in uncertainty, I make every effort to create certainty of the things I can. Having lived in structure, I don't know lack of structure. Having always being a part of a family who couldn't make decisions, couldn't stick to a plan, couldn't show up and live out their life without fear, drama and control, I make a plan and follow it through, adjusting it when and as is needed but never forgetting the reason for the original plan. I have benefited greatly from having a routine. I get more done by this aspect of my life and with being an entrepreneur it has been one of the reasons I have been so successful.
So when you experience the opposite in dating, it's hard to not just get in there and fix it. As a consultant and trainer, I am always evaluating and analyzing to make things more efficient, to increase production, to streamline processes, to evaluate what is working and what isn't and make changes accordingly. This is a skill I have and have adapted it to my trade and what I do well at. But it doesn't seem to be working in the dating scene. Or is it and I am just not good at it? I am learning sometimes you just have to let things ride. They will work themselves out as they are supposed to if you give it time and seek God in prayer. I don't mean that as a cliche statement. I mean it as a reality.
Either way, I haven't been able to avoid some of the emotional chaos this dating scene has brought into my world. When I say emotional chaos, I am talking about that emotional roller coaster ride. Maybe this emotional chaos is another reason I have lost more weight besides that Yoga is having some positive results on my body??? Either way, I am down yet another size. The smallest I have ever been since moving to Texas.
Sorry, that was a tangent...back to the dating scene.
If I had my preference, I would rather just accidentally meet you somewhere then have to "go find you". Seriously. You know at church, at an evening over at a friends house, a fundraiser, while working at a charity event like Ronald McDonald House where I serve monthly, or at a clients office...yah, something casual, not so out there as one individual meeting another individual and going "out on a date". Something without having to go through this routine, over and over and over.
But so far that hasn't been an option and therefore here I am, doing the online dating thing. For now. I am under no obligation or commitment to it. And I might decide I want to give up the search to "go find you" and let God drop you in my lap as I have said before would be the best way.
I must be honest and tell you, initially it was beyond overwhelming. Especially for me at the beginning when I started this process. Probably because of the dynamics of my own personal story with this and the fact that at 37 I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, and I obviously had no idea what to expect. In the first two weeks, I hate to admit it because it makes me sick, but I had 65 guys messaging me!!! Maybe you find that flattering, I wasn't sure it was so much of a compliment. I am not into myself thinking I am this hot chic and didn't find that to be what I wanted as a response, I wasn't looking for a bunch of people to have to respond to. Believe me when I tell you that THIS WAS NOT what I expected, but what did I expect??? I honestly don't know, just not that for sure.
I have responded to every email, notification, or match that I have gotten. There is a plethora of guys, but not men necessarily I want in my world. Some of you don't understand why I would/do respond to each person. I don't see any reason to be mean and I think no response creates a cold silence that is just that. It's mean. Even if I don't find you attractive or my type after looking at your pictures, reading your profile, and maybe having some dialogue with you, I think its only appropriate to be kind and respond. I will be honest and keep things where I see them. I am not into playing games. I am not into being rude. You have a purpose as to why you are on there and so do I. If you are not interested you, should say so. If I am not interested, I should say so.
Some of you have said, "Of course you would get that amount of a response Misty, you are cute, dang cute!" Really. Is dating just all about being cute? A dang cute guy or a dang cute girl? I sure hope not!
For me, dang cute doesn't mean that they like my profile description of what I am looking for. Dang cute doesn't mean we are compatible or that our values, beliefs and boundaries are remotely the same. Dang cute doesn't mean you have a fun personality. Dang cute doesn't mean you can make me laugh. Dang cute doesn't mean that you love God. Dang cute doesn't mean you are respectful. Dang cute doesn't mean you are honest. Dang cute doesn't mean you can or will communicate. Dang cute doesn't mean you are fun. Dang cute doesn't and isn't everything. But yes, dang cute is an attribute we each want and I hope to find me a dang cute guy that thinks I am a dang cute girl and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Sure do!
So...Call me ignorant. Call me oblivious. Call me a blond brunette. This response was exhausting. Yes, you weed out 95% of them quickly for various reasons. But no matter how you look at it, it is still exhausting. Sometimes flat out discouraging. Sometimes a bunch of fun. Sometimes really frustrating. Sometimes intriguing. Sometimes exciting. Sometimes perplexing. But in reality, it truly is a mix of all of it! Just like all the rest of the things we experience in life. There are good and bad moments to each encounter.
You ask many of the same questions to every person. You have to tell the same story over and over and over. You have to try to figure out if they are being open, honest, authentic, and sincere. You have to figure out their personality. You have to figure out if you have a connection. You have to figure out if they are of interest to you or you are to them. You have to figure out if they are just another player out for a short lived girlfriend fling. You have to figure out so much stuff...
After several weeks of this process, the overwhelmed feeling not dissipating, the frustrations with dating taking control over my life, I decided to change my approach and only will get on maybe once a week. No more checking it morning and night. And then, when I made that decision, I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted to do that because I am not interested in being overwhelmed. I am not interested in making my life chaotic. I am not interested in making this difficult, any more than it needs to be or any more than I have to have it be, I will keep it simple. And keeping it simple I have. I haven't been on in over 3 weeks. Yes, there will be difficulties to it, all relationships take work, but I am not into forcing something to come about and happen in my life. If this is something that is meant to happen, then I know my God will make sure it does. He is the one who has the perfect plan for my life and when the time is right, it will be perfect just then, no sooner, no later. Completely. That being said, I will do my part, but I can't make someone show up and be there in my life who doesn't want to be and truly, why would I want someone who doesn't want to be that in my life? Not a chance. Life is too short and too full of opportunities to drag someone into it that doesn't want to be there.
Who says I have to do this check it so often, spend so much time on it, go on so many dates, etc? Yah, nobody. I will make my own rules and I will do it at my own pace. If you, Mr. Guy, don't like it that I don't respond quickly enough, you can go find another dang cute chic because I am sure they will be happy to have you hitting them up. I am not into seeing how many guys I can get to like my profile or pictures. Or how many guys I can rack up in sending me messages. I am not that kind of chic. I am not into just being hit on for the fun of it, I want to find someone I enjoy being with and want to share every moment of my life with. If you are that, I will know it in due time and if you are not, well, we will both keep searching. Or maybe I will give up searching.
Either way, know this:
I will date intentionally. I will invest time, energy, money, along with my heart, mind and soul into getting to know you. What you do from your side of the relationship is your deal. But I will be authentically me. I will not hold back loving you and being your friend. There is a reason God allowed our paths to cross and I am going to make the most of each opportunity with you.
Have you done online dating? If so, what was your method? If not, but you did dating, what recommendations do you have? Any suggestions on how to make this process not so overwhelming and emotionally challenging???
Monday, June 9, 2014
Quotes
You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.
- Brian Tracy, Author
The Relationship Wheel
One of my very close friends shared this with me...thought you would benefit from it too. It's The Relationship Wheel. If you just take one trait away, the relationship will not run smoothly.
Ponder these 10 traits!
Ponder these 10 traits!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Quotes
Unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.
- Single Matters
- Single Matters
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Dating Questions: Why is it so hard for you to communicate?
Communication is so important. In EVERY relationship. Not just guy-girl relationships, but in every.single.relationship.
However, today's post is going to be directed to communication in the dating relationship. Of course, you know this by the Title..and by the theme on my blog as of late.
Why do guys put so little effort to make communication happen? Why do girls make it more complicated then it needs to be to communicate? Why is communication difficult between guys and girls? Why can't everyone see that it makes things so much easier if you just simply communicate? Truly. Very simple.
I love one of the lines to the lyric of the song Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson...
I feel sometimes this dating process is harder than it has to be. It shouldn't have to be this hard.
I am passionate about communicating. Do I do it perfectly? No. Do I sometimes feel I over communicate? Yes. Do I sometimes feel that what I communicate is misunderstood? Yes. Would I rather over communicate than not communicate at all? Yes. Do I sometimes think that people fight communication when if they embraced it it would be the key to the problem? Yes. Is communication extremely important to me? It is!!! Oh so much.
I spend a lot of time learning how to do it better. I evaluate what I have done in the past and what gave me the best results. I have seen the results of good communication and I have seen the results of lack of communication. Therefore, when you have the proof in the pudding so to speak, why do we not spend more time perfecting communication?
I am amazed at how many times people can't simply say what they are thinking, they are feeling, they want, they need, they desire, the dream of, they are afraid of, they wish, they anticipate, they hope for, they understand to be, they are concerned about...
But they don't. They leave it to be assumed or to be figured out or think it will just be known if they leave things alone and it will resolve itself or they don't think it is important.
Really? Since when did one of us become mind readers? Guys or girls? Since when did all of us think, feel, want, need, desire, dream, fear, wish, anticipate, hope, understand or have concerns about in the same way??? Right. Never. Even when speaking to people of the same sex. So what should we do to correct this? And why don't we focus on correcting it?
I was reminded by a friend to say:
I was taught this at my first LiveBIG Conference and guess what, I had already forgotten it. She reminded me at a time when I needed it. Really needed it. Because I was trying to make my point with facts instead of stating how something made me feel. That's all that matters. How it makes me feel because if you truly care about what I feel, you will focus on doing what you can to help me.
To me, communication is simple. State what you are feeling and why. Give the person a chance to hear your side of view. Don't let it stop you from being you. Don't be worried about what they think. Put your cards out on the table and proceed after the next move is played. It isn't hard. Just do it!
If you are not interested in the dating relationship, say so. If you don't want to go out on a date, say so. If you want something different than how that person is showing up, say so. If you miss them, say so. If you care about them, say so. If you enjoy their company, say so. If you have changed your mind, say so. If you need space, say so. If you want time to reflect and answer questions, say so. Don't hold back. Don't be silent. Don't ignore this person that you have allowed into your world and heart, even if its just a small amount. They deserve your respect and communication. It only creates more frustration in the relationship, not less. It only leads to confusion and a lack of understanding intentions. It only makes that person feel things they don't want to be feeling and that you can eliminate if you would simply and clearly share.
For me, I want to be a part of a relationship with a man that wants a companion. I want to experience a friendship and love with a man that is all my own. If you don't want to be him, say so. Why would I want to continue to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't want me in that way? I don't. I want a relationship with someone who wants me, really wants me, all of me! I am not into forcing you to be on the same page with me. Friendships, relationships, and Love are a choice. And YOU get to choose just as much as I do! Will I miss you??? Yes, I will. Even if we are not a fit? I most absolutely will. Because everyone that comes into my life, even for a season, is used in my journey and I will miss you. Even if you don't care about me like I care for you or you care about me like I don't care about you...we still have interacted and been a part of each others courageous journey. But know this, my world will not fall a part. If you need more time to figure out if you are him or I am her, say so. If you have questions you need answered, ask them. If you need space, ask for it. If you have changed your mind at any point along the way, say so. Don't expect me to figure out the meaning of your actions or lack there of. I am not a mind reader and don't plan on making that a life long commitment either. LOL!!!
What books have you read about communication that you feel have dramatically improved your world in regards to communication?
However, today's post is going to be directed to communication in the dating relationship. Of course, you know this by the Title..and by the theme on my blog as of late.
Why do guys put so little effort to make communication happen? Why do girls make it more complicated then it needs to be to communicate? Why is communication difficult between guys and girls? Why can't everyone see that it makes things so much easier if you just simply communicate? Truly. Very simple.
I love one of the lines to the lyric of the song Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson...
"Let's not make this harder than it has to be"
I feel sometimes this dating process is harder than it has to be. It shouldn't have to be this hard.
I am passionate about communicating. Do I do it perfectly? No. Do I sometimes feel I over communicate? Yes. Do I sometimes feel that what I communicate is misunderstood? Yes. Would I rather over communicate than not communicate at all? Yes. Do I sometimes think that people fight communication when if they embraced it it would be the key to the problem? Yes. Is communication extremely important to me? It is!!! Oh so much.
I spend a lot of time learning how to do it better. I evaluate what I have done in the past and what gave me the best results. I have seen the results of good communication and I have seen the results of lack of communication. Therefore, when you have the proof in the pudding so to speak, why do we not spend more time perfecting communication?
I am amazed at how many times people can't simply say what they are thinking, they are feeling, they want, they need, they desire, the dream of, they are afraid of, they wish, they anticipate, they hope for, they understand to be, they are concerned about...
But they don't. They leave it to be assumed or to be figured out or think it will just be known if they leave things alone and it will resolve itself or they don't think it is important.
Really? Since when did one of us become mind readers? Guys or girls? Since when did all of us think, feel, want, need, desire, dream, fear, wish, anticipate, hope, understand or have concerns about in the same way??? Right. Never. Even when speaking to people of the same sex. So what should we do to correct this? And why don't we focus on correcting it?
I was reminded by a friend to say:
"It makes me feel _____ when you do or say _____ ."
I was taught this at my first LiveBIG Conference and guess what, I had already forgotten it. She reminded me at a time when I needed it. Really needed it. Because I was trying to make my point with facts instead of stating how something made me feel. That's all that matters. How it makes me feel because if you truly care about what I feel, you will focus on doing what you can to help me.
To me, communication is simple. State what you are feeling and why. Give the person a chance to hear your side of view. Don't let it stop you from being you. Don't be worried about what they think. Put your cards out on the table and proceed after the next move is played. It isn't hard. Just do it!
If you are not interested in the dating relationship, say so. If you don't want to go out on a date, say so. If you want something different than how that person is showing up, say so. If you miss them, say so. If you care about them, say so. If you enjoy their company, say so. If you have changed your mind, say so. If you need space, say so. If you want time to reflect and answer questions, say so. Don't hold back. Don't be silent. Don't ignore this person that you have allowed into your world and heart, even if its just a small amount. They deserve your respect and communication. It only creates more frustration in the relationship, not less. It only leads to confusion and a lack of understanding intentions. It only makes that person feel things they don't want to be feeling and that you can eliminate if you would simply and clearly share.
For me, I want to be a part of a relationship with a man that wants a companion. I want to experience a friendship and love with a man that is all my own. If you don't want to be him, say so. Why would I want to continue to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't want me in that way? I don't. I want a relationship with someone who wants me, really wants me, all of me! I am not into forcing you to be on the same page with me. Friendships, relationships, and Love are a choice. And YOU get to choose just as much as I do! Will I miss you??? Yes, I will. Even if we are not a fit? I most absolutely will. Because everyone that comes into my life, even for a season, is used in my journey and I will miss you. Even if you don't care about me like I care for you or you care about me like I don't care about you...we still have interacted and been a part of each others courageous journey. But know this, my world will not fall a part. If you need more time to figure out if you are him or I am her, say so. If you have questions you need answered, ask them. If you need space, ask for it. If you have changed your mind at any point along the way, say so. Don't expect me to figure out the meaning of your actions or lack there of. I am not a mind reader and don't plan on making that a life long commitment either. LOL!!!
What books have you read about communication that you feel have dramatically improved your world in regards to communication?
Friday, June 6, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
the highest price
You ever have a message come at you in more than one way, in different formats, but the main theme the same? It seems that many of the messages come to you like this, one right after another, so thoroughly and completely without being sought out after that you have to stop and reflect and it makes you realize that God is talking to you! That he has a special message for you. But what is it???!!!??? I don't know if you have had this happen, but for me, when it is a continual message to you in more than one way, it makes me get a grip and realize that its important. Very important and of such significance that he is stopping and asking you to learn, to absorb, to wake up, to take notice, to get the memo. Maybe on something I haven't been willing to accept. Or something I need, most desperately.
I have had one of those moments lately. The message has been astounding to reflect on.
If you are like me, you have been told that God paid The Highest Price for you. But have you thought about that?
The HIGHEST PRICE! What is that?
Different people the last two weeks have spoke to my heart on this topic, but instead of sharing their nuggets, I am going to share my own as I have meditated on the things that I have been presented and given it some thought.
I put a bid on the house I currently own, January 2007. In the end, I was the top bidder of 4 bidders. I bid the highest price. I won by $9K. How did I become the winner? Only God knows, but it was meant for me and I have made it my own.
When you are the highest bidder and pay the highest price, you own it. Its yours. Nobody else can touch the house or live in it. They can want it, but they can't have it. As the highest bidder you have an attitude of pride over your purchase. You have a desire to make it your own. You put the hard work and effort into making the improvements. You do the touches that give it your flavor and personality. You have a purpose. You have a mission. You have fun showing off your purchase to your friends. You bring your friends over and let them enjoy it with you. You are excited about this thing you own! It's YOURS!
Do you think God looks at you an differently? Nobody else can touch you, he owns you. They can try to claim you, but you are God's and he owns you. He has deep pride in you, because he bought you. You are his own. He is proud of you!!! The paperwork shows he owns you.
But he bought you at the highest price possible.
Think about it. If you were bidding on the house that I bought and is mine, you could have been bidding against me and in a normal bidding scenario (though this wasn't that because the bidders didn't know what each other had bid) you would have the option to increase the price to a higher dollar if someone was out bidding you. You would have the option to say, this is worth it to me, I will pay this much more for it. I want it this badly, I am willing to pay this much for it. You wouldn't blink an eye, you would do it in a heartbeat, because your soul wanted to purchase it whatever the cost.
That's exactly what God did for you! For me! He said, I don't care the cost, I will pay the absolute highest price for this child I want. I will make sure that I am the winning bidder. I am the one who will own this. I will be the one who proudly to takes credit for this purchase. I am the one who loves them more than you do. I will see to it that nobody outbids me.
And he did. He paid the HIGHEST price. For You. For Me.
What happens when you think about someone paying the highest price for you? Someone being that proud of you that they wanted you that desperately, that aggressively, that completely? What happens when you know you are owned by someone who wanted you that much?
Do you fight this? Or do you accept it?
For me, it makes me feel like I want to be more loyal. I want to give more of me to the person who paid the highest price for me. I want to appreciate that love, deeply appreciate because its depth is tremendous. I want to be connected to that person beyond anything or anyone else. It also makes me feel pretty special because I was wanted that much.
What do you think would change if you believed and realized someone paid The Highest Price for you?
What does paying The Highest Price mean to you???
How does this affect your decisions and how you live today, knowing God paid The Hightest Price for YOU???
I have had one of those moments lately. The message has been astounding to reflect on.
If you are like me, you have been told that God paid The Highest Price for you. But have you thought about that?
The HIGHEST PRICE! What is that?
Different people the last two weeks have spoke to my heart on this topic, but instead of sharing their nuggets, I am going to share my own as I have meditated on the things that I have been presented and given it some thought.
I put a bid on the house I currently own, January 2007. In the end, I was the top bidder of 4 bidders. I bid the highest price. I won by $9K. How did I become the winner? Only God knows, but it was meant for me and I have made it my own.
When you are the highest bidder and pay the highest price, you own it. Its yours. Nobody else can touch the house or live in it. They can want it, but they can't have it. As the highest bidder you have an attitude of pride over your purchase. You have a desire to make it your own. You put the hard work and effort into making the improvements. You do the touches that give it your flavor and personality. You have a purpose. You have a mission. You have fun showing off your purchase to your friends. You bring your friends over and let them enjoy it with you. You are excited about this thing you own! It's YOURS!
Do you think God looks at you an differently? Nobody else can touch you, he owns you. They can try to claim you, but you are God's and he owns you. He has deep pride in you, because he bought you. You are his own. He is proud of you!!! The paperwork shows he owns you.
But he bought you at the highest price possible.
Think about it. If you were bidding on the house that I bought and is mine, you could have been bidding against me and in a normal bidding scenario (though this wasn't that because the bidders didn't know what each other had bid) you would have the option to increase the price to a higher dollar if someone was out bidding you. You would have the option to say, this is worth it to me, I will pay this much more for it. I want it this badly, I am willing to pay this much for it. You wouldn't blink an eye, you would do it in a heartbeat, because your soul wanted to purchase it whatever the cost.
That's exactly what God did for you! For me! He said, I don't care the cost, I will pay the absolute highest price for this child I want. I will make sure that I am the winning bidder. I am the one who will own this. I will be the one who proudly to takes credit for this purchase. I am the one who loves them more than you do. I will see to it that nobody outbids me.
And he did. He paid the HIGHEST price. For You. For Me.
What happens when you think about someone paying the highest price for you? Someone being that proud of you that they wanted you that desperately, that aggressively, that completely? What happens when you know you are owned by someone who wanted you that much?
Do you fight this? Or do you accept it?
What do you think would change if you believed and realized someone paid The Highest Price for you?
What does paying The Highest Price mean to you???
How does this affect your decisions and how you live today, knowing God paid The Hightest Price for YOU???
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Quotes
Marriage has a way of bringing out our brokenness more than anything in this world will. And then God has a way of using it to heal us.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Dating Questions: Are you okay with sex being apart of the relationship before marriage?
There are various topics that have to be covered in the process of actively getting to know someone on a date. Some of these questions must be addressed prior to meeting and some of them come up as you get to know each other. One of these questions is your viewpoint on sex.
I had been told by many close friends that in today's society, most men require sex to be apart of the relationship to get to know each other and that it will be an encounter prior to marriage, many even want this on the first date. I figured this was the case for the majority, but probably less for someone who was a Christian, at least until the relationship was in a point of commitment. I figured those that truly in their heart and mind that wanted to follow God, completely, would set boundaries and agree that this would be apart of the relationship the night they are married.
That's an assumption that I have learned I am wrong about. Very wrong on this viewpoint about how people look at it as right and wrong.
I am not ignorant to the fact that men like sex. I am not oblivious to the fact that it is a big dynamic of the relationship between a man and a woman. I just simply am completely blown away as to the reasons why people think that it is permissible to make this a part of the evaluation of a dating relationship.
I had more than one guy say to me, I just have to admit to you that I love sex. Really love sex. I have to be honest, the first one that told me this, I really wanted to be extremely sarcastic and respond by saying and don't all guys? You think you are unique? Ugh. I didn't. Instead I calmly responded and said: I am sure you do and I can understand that. However, it is my hearts purpose to not engage in that activity with the guys I date. I will, with the one man and love of my life, nobody else.
Though each of the guys I have been on dates with have expressed that they find this attractive and immensely desirable that I have not been with a man (other than my one and only experience of being raped at 17), but yet almost all of them want their cake and eat it too. It doesn't work like that. You can't admire the fact that I have boundaries and think that I will violate them just for you.
I had one of the guys I went on a date with tell me that "Sex is wrong, Making Love is not." Wow! So when do we get to put our own definition on this above God's? When do we get to say there are levels to moral conduct that make it right or wrong? When do we get to justify our intentions about whether its love or lust to make this utmost engagement of connection in a relationship okay? God says that marriage is undefiled. God didn't say dating was undefiled.
This same guy told me that this is an important aspect as it is training before you get married. Really? Since when do we get all the training needed in and for marriage prior to getting married? Oh please! God help me!!!
What do these guys do with Romans 13:14, make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. I guess that verse doesn't apply to sex? Or am I the one who is wrong to apply this verse to sex? What about Proverbs 5?
This same guy said that he wishes that I will keep this in mind when I am with Mr. Right and then describes via text a lengthy description of a passionate moment between Me and Mr. Right and states that this is when that gets difficult. My response? "I get that. I also believe with all my heart that when you violate God's rules you pay the price. Sin is easy. Giving in isn't hard. Holding to truth and boundaries is what brings peace and a clear conscious. It also creates trust. It builds a strong relationship. It creates character." [Yes, this is the exact text I sent him back.]
I had one guy tell me that you have to have sex to know if there is a connection. Really? If you don't connect with me before sex is a dynamic in the relationship, you think it will suddenly just show up there? You evidently don't get how women are wired, if you truly believe this. You won't connect with me during or after if it doesn't exist before. Promise. Connection is only enhanced in this engagement. It is the most intimate experience in the relationship. Not saying it can't happen, but I don't want to connect with you just during sex.
I have had several friends encourage me to not have sex before marriage. I have appreciated the reinforcement of my boundary and the concerns for this aspect of the relationship, not just because of my fears to overcome through this, but because of the fact they know I love God with all my heart and want the best for me and the man of my dreams. If I ever have a man of my dreams in my world. And yes, I say if because I don't know that dating is going to be something I continue or that I will find a man of my dreams. God is the only one who knows the answer to that.
In one of these conversations that I had with one of my guy friends, there was an interesting twist when I explained that it would be a deal breaker for me if this was a requirement of the relationship. I told him that I have let each guy know that when it is presented in conversation. He then said, "But don't reject a guy if he wants sex. Guys don't like rejection." I laughed!!! For reals??? How can you be so crazy to think like that? How can you have that perspective that it's best not to but yet don't turn away a man? I know that guys don't like rejection and holding to my boundary isn't rejection of him, it is a belief of mine. If the guy feels rejection, then he will take it as rejection because he is taking it personal instead of realizing that it would apply to any and all guys I am dating, not just him. It's a boundary that I will keep and enforce and that means if you expect sex to be apart of the dating relationship we clearly are not a fit. Do I expect you will want it? Absolutely! Is it possible for you to believe that sex before marriage is okay but will honor my boundaries because you desire to get to know me for me and love me that much? Yah, that is probably possible. All I can say is you would earn my respect for having listened to me and understood me about what is important to me and why. The guys that are not willing to do this don't stand a chance at creating a lasting relationship with me. And no, I don't feel bad about having this boundary. It weeds out the frogs or as a mentor of mine says, the lumps of coal.
Though dating is a horribly hard experience to have to go through on so many levels, all I can say is the red flags and signs that come up that you are not on the same page are there for a reason. Do not ignore them. Do not give in to persuasive talk. Remember your core beliefs and why you hold to them. If you get questioned about something and feel maybe your viewpoint is wrong, stop and pray. Seek advice. Study the passages. Read books. Do your research. But do not be afraid of Deal Breakers. Stay true to your heart and mind and God will give you peace in the decisions as you have to make them. And don't let guys try to break you down by making you feel inferior because of your boundaries. The are just trying to get what they want and are not willing to do without for selfish reasons.
Your belief (and requirement for a dating relationship) that sex before marriage is okay and an expectation that you want from the relationship, is a Deal Breaker for me. Which means there will be no further dates with you because it is not a boundary that you can honor and I am not playing games. I am not going to put myself in a position to have to adhere to something my heart doesn't believe in. At the same time, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that facing this with guys has not been easy. One guy told me that I need to get out of the kiddie pool and jump into the deep end. He has no clue how much I have jumped into the deep end as it is! This much I will say though, their reaction and response to my belief has only made my belief stronger that it is the right thing to do.
What do you believe about sex before marriage? How would you handle this in the dating scene?
[Edit added later after post was published: A friend was concerned that from the statements I made in this post that I am implying that Woman don't like sex like men do. This was not the way I meant the statements nor do I believe that Woman don't. Yes, I come from a space of having a one time bad experience and therefore I might not have your perspective that this is an enjoyable experience but I truly believe it can be and should be and will be in my future!]
I had been told by many close friends that in today's society, most men require sex to be apart of the relationship to get to know each other and that it will be an encounter prior to marriage, many even want this on the first date. I figured this was the case for the majority, but probably less for someone who was a Christian, at least until the relationship was in a point of commitment. I figured those that truly in their heart and mind that wanted to follow God, completely, would set boundaries and agree that this would be apart of the relationship the night they are married.
That's an assumption that I have learned I am wrong about. Very wrong on this viewpoint about how people look at it as right and wrong.
I am not ignorant to the fact that men like sex. I am not oblivious to the fact that it is a big dynamic of the relationship between a man and a woman. I just simply am completely blown away as to the reasons why people think that it is permissible to make this a part of the evaluation of a dating relationship.
I had more than one guy say to me, I just have to admit to you that I love sex. Really love sex. I have to be honest, the first one that told me this, I really wanted to be extremely sarcastic and respond by saying and don't all guys? You think you are unique? Ugh. I didn't. Instead I calmly responded and said: I am sure you do and I can understand that. However, it is my hearts purpose to not engage in that activity with the guys I date. I will, with the one man and love of my life, nobody else.
Though each of the guys I have been on dates with have expressed that they find this attractive and immensely desirable that I have not been with a man (other than my one and only experience of being raped at 17), but yet almost all of them want their cake and eat it too. It doesn't work like that. You can't admire the fact that I have boundaries and think that I will violate them just for you.
I had one of the guys I went on a date with tell me that "Sex is wrong, Making Love is not." Wow! So when do we get to put our own definition on this above God's? When do we get to say there are levels to moral conduct that make it right or wrong? When do we get to justify our intentions about whether its love or lust to make this utmost engagement of connection in a relationship okay? God says that marriage is undefiled. God didn't say dating was undefiled.
This same guy told me that this is an important aspect as it is training before you get married. Really? Since when do we get all the training needed in and for marriage prior to getting married? Oh please! God help me!!!
What do these guys do with Romans 13:14, make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. I guess that verse doesn't apply to sex? Or am I the one who is wrong to apply this verse to sex? What about Proverbs 5?
This same guy said that he wishes that I will keep this in mind when I am with Mr. Right and then describes via text a lengthy description of a passionate moment between Me and Mr. Right and states that this is when that gets difficult. My response? "I get that. I also believe with all my heart that when you violate God's rules you pay the price. Sin is easy. Giving in isn't hard. Holding to truth and boundaries is what brings peace and a clear conscious. It also creates trust. It builds a strong relationship. It creates character." [Yes, this is the exact text I sent him back.]
I had one guy tell me that you have to have sex to know if there is a connection. Really? If you don't connect with me before sex is a dynamic in the relationship, you think it will suddenly just show up there? You evidently don't get how women are wired, if you truly believe this. You won't connect with me during or after if it doesn't exist before. Promise. Connection is only enhanced in this engagement. It is the most intimate experience in the relationship. Not saying it can't happen, but I don't want to connect with you just during sex.
In one of these conversations that I had with one of my guy friends, there was an interesting twist when I explained that it would be a deal breaker for me if this was a requirement of the relationship. I told him that I have let each guy know that when it is presented in conversation. He then said, "But don't reject a guy if he wants sex. Guys don't like rejection." I laughed!!! For reals??? How can you be so crazy to think like that? How can you have that perspective that it's best not to but yet don't turn away a man? I know that guys don't like rejection and holding to my boundary isn't rejection of him, it is a belief of mine. If the guy feels rejection, then he will take it as rejection because he is taking it personal instead of realizing that it would apply to any and all guys I am dating, not just him. It's a boundary that I will keep and enforce and that means if you expect sex to be apart of the dating relationship we clearly are not a fit. Do I expect you will want it? Absolutely! Is it possible for you to believe that sex before marriage is okay but will honor my boundaries because you desire to get to know me for me and love me that much? Yah, that is probably possible. All I can say is you would earn my respect for having listened to me and understood me about what is important to me and why. The guys that are not willing to do this don't stand a chance at creating a lasting relationship with me. And no, I don't feel bad about having this boundary. It weeds out the frogs or as a mentor of mine says, the lumps of coal.
Though dating is a horribly hard experience to have to go through on so many levels, all I can say is the red flags and signs that come up that you are not on the same page are there for a reason. Do not ignore them. Do not give in to persuasive talk. Remember your core beliefs and why you hold to them. If you get questioned about something and feel maybe your viewpoint is wrong, stop and pray. Seek advice. Study the passages. Read books. Do your research. But do not be afraid of Deal Breakers. Stay true to your heart and mind and God will give you peace in the decisions as you have to make them. And don't let guys try to break you down by making you feel inferior because of your boundaries. The are just trying to get what they want and are not willing to do without for selfish reasons.
Your belief (and requirement for a dating relationship) that sex before marriage is okay and an expectation that you want from the relationship, is a Deal Breaker for me. Which means there will be no further dates with you because it is not a boundary that you can honor and I am not playing games. I am not going to put myself in a position to have to adhere to something my heart doesn't believe in. At the same time, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that facing this with guys has not been easy. One guy told me that I need to get out of the kiddie pool and jump into the deep end. He has no clue how much I have jumped into the deep end as it is! This much I will say though, their reaction and response to my belief has only made my belief stronger that it is the right thing to do.
What do you believe about sex before marriage? How would you handle this in the dating scene?
[Edit added later after post was published: A friend was concerned that from the statements I made in this post that I am implying that Woman don't like sex like men do. This was not the way I meant the statements nor do I believe that Woman don't. Yes, I come from a space of having a one time bad experience and therefore I might not have your perspective that this is an enjoyable experience but I truly believe it can be and should be and will be in my future!]
Monday, June 2, 2014
Quotes
To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.
- James Thurber
- James Thurber
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Dating Questions: Why are you doing online dating?
Various friends of mine have asked me why I am doing online dating. Not the reason "why", because they know that, I have shared both in person and on my blog, but as to why I would choose online dating vs I guess some other form of dating???
Some people are for it. Some people are against it. Either way, I write today to share why I began this process. Some of my story may be new to you, some of it may be old.
I have been on a personal journey the last few years to grow me and develop me to a deeper level. In this process, I have come to face the facts of my story, accept my story and be willing to share my story and live down the lies. Lies about what I was taught about men and dating. The right. The wrong. The christian way vs non christian way. Etc. In doing so, I have been presented with choices to make along the way as to exactly how willing I was to follow God in this process. One of these steps was removing my wedding band that I had worn on my left hand for 16 years to keep men away. You see, I didn't have a home life that was pleasant or an example of parents who truly lived a life of love with each other. Then facing being raped at 17, I didn't see any use for men. I accepted them, but felt no need for one in my personal space. I would make my life great without one. And I have.
As I attended the LiveBIG Conference #2 in March 2014, my accountability buddy challenged me to remove my ring and move past my fears of men and dating. I accepted. This was the beginning of some deep dark work in my heart and mind. Concepts that I needed to examine, truth I needed to uncover, lies I needed to let go of, negative beliefs that had no place, hope that needed to come alive, and love that I needed to learn to accept and receive.
After being asked out on my very first date and having an amazing experience, I then faced the results of a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship and who didn't want me in his life. At the prompting of my coach, I created an online dating account. Did I have reservations about this? Absolutely, I still do. It's not my favorite thing. Is online dating the only way to meet men? No. However, when you don't have a church home, you have no family here, your friends know much of the same people you know, its time to broaden your circle if you want to change your connections. This is why I chose online dating.
I believe no matter your form of dating, the only way for it to be successful is to know the following:
What questions would you add to the list? Do you want to share with me how you met your spouse?
Some people are for it. Some people are against it. Either way, I write today to share why I began this process. Some of my story may be new to you, some of it may be old.
I have been on a personal journey the last few years to grow me and develop me to a deeper level. In this process, I have come to face the facts of my story, accept my story and be willing to share my story and live down the lies. Lies about what I was taught about men and dating. The right. The wrong. The christian way vs non christian way. Etc. In doing so, I have been presented with choices to make along the way as to exactly how willing I was to follow God in this process. One of these steps was removing my wedding band that I had worn on my left hand for 16 years to keep men away. You see, I didn't have a home life that was pleasant or an example of parents who truly lived a life of love with each other. Then facing being raped at 17, I didn't see any use for men. I accepted them, but felt no need for one in my personal space. I would make my life great without one. And I have.
As I attended the LiveBIG Conference #2 in March 2014, my accountability buddy challenged me to remove my ring and move past my fears of men and dating. I accepted. This was the beginning of some deep dark work in my heart and mind. Concepts that I needed to examine, truth I needed to uncover, lies I needed to let go of, negative beliefs that had no place, hope that needed to come alive, and love that I needed to learn to accept and receive.
After being asked out on my very first date and having an amazing experience, I then faced the results of a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship and who didn't want me in his life. At the prompting of my coach, I created an online dating account. Did I have reservations about this? Absolutely, I still do. It's not my favorite thing. Is online dating the only way to meet men? No. However, when you don't have a church home, you have no family here, your friends know much of the same people you know, its time to broaden your circle if you want to change your connections. This is why I chose online dating.
I believe no matter your form of dating, the only way for it to be successful is to know the following:
- What are you looking for in a guy?
- What questions must you have answers to?
- What are your boundaries?
- What safety guidelines will you put in place in meeting and going out with guys?
- What are deal breakers for you?
What questions would you add to the list? Do you want to share with me how you met your spouse?
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Quotes
It’s more important to have a marriage that lasts forever than embracing a popular opinion.
- Andy Traub
- Andy Traub
Dating Questions: How do you explain I don't expect you to be...
A virgin.
One of the guys I went out on a date with shook his head and told me that he didn't understand why I would be interested in him because he wasn't a virgin.
I was a bit taken aback by his comment, for two reasons. First off, a guy around my age who hasn't had sex with a girl is probably nearly unlikely. That's a fact. Is it possible? Sure, but likely? No. Second, this wasn't a conversation I had mentally prepared myself would be "an issue". Yes, how this aspect has been a part of your life or not a part of your life, that would be a discussion I would expect to be having in our dating relationship, but I did not expect this to be a topic of concern. I get I probably should have been, but let's face it, I wasn't.
At first, I was at a loss as to how to respond. I was amazed that this bothered him so greatly. And after other various dating conversations, I guess it kinda was the opposite of what I had experienced and so it didn't have me in a phase to be ready to address this. I also guess I thought girls were the ones that took this to heart matter to heart, the most...to learn that this is important to a guy no matter how society looks at the dynamic of sex or how much "men love sex" and so many people say its okay to live as you want, it became really clear to me that guys still want that connection to be with "the one her" and they desire to be in a relationship that matters and both parties mutually understand each other and not have experienced this with many people. They don't like being thought of as a player, even if this is how they have lived.
So how do respond to that statement? How do you answer that question?
For me, once I got passed the surprise, it was simple.
I initially responded that I am not a virgin either. Yes, maybe not under the same circumstances by choice, and yes, only a one time encounter, but the fact remains. It's not like I am "Miss Purity"...BUT I am pure in the sense that God has covered me, he has made me new, he has redeemed me, he has made me worthy, he has taken away the guilt put on me, he has restored me, he paid the price for me and I must no longer feel like "used goods" (this is the term my Mom states I am and continues to remind me of whenever she can, and probably will for the rest of my life to reinforce her belief that I will never be wanted by a man because of this awful experience). This is an absolute lie and I will live in the truth! I am not defined by what has happened to me and I will not live in this negative belief. I am done with that story. I have erased it and am moving past it for all I am worth!
From there I addressed the thought and question this way...
The question to me isn't about whether you have or you haven't lived a life solely committed to one person in your past, though that is a conversation we must discuss, but what is your belief now? How do you live your life now in that aspect? What is your purpose in the relationship? That is the true test to your character and belief about this aspect of your life, as it relates to a relationship with God and what he wants for you and from you, and what you want for yourself. If you know those were choices you made in previous experiences, maybe you would choose something different now if you had them to make all over again, either way, you have faced the results of these choices and consequences for them, you have asked God to forgive you for them and you know that he has, and now you are living a life of purity in your heart and mind and body now!!! This is what matters to me. This is what I will base my view of you on, because this is how God views you!
This doesn't excuse your conduct, it doesn't mean there won't be obstacles to overcome, it doesn't mean you won't have to work through the feelings it has created in your world, it means that you are a sinner saved by grace...made pure like white snow...just like me! And I will choose to love you!!! All of you.
I loved a thought in a book I read recently:
Wow...what if we kept that in perspective? That doesn't mean God doesn't call us to live Holy Lives, he does! But what price did he pay for us?
How would you have responded to such a question? How do you help a guy work through these emotions and feelings of being unworthy of you? How do you reinforce this appropriately and yet uphold godly conduct?
One of the guys I went out on a date with shook his head and told me that he didn't understand why I would be interested in him because he wasn't a virgin.
I was a bit taken aback by his comment, for two reasons. First off, a guy around my age who hasn't had sex with a girl is probably nearly unlikely. That's a fact. Is it possible? Sure, but likely? No. Second, this wasn't a conversation I had mentally prepared myself would be "an issue". Yes, how this aspect has been a part of your life or not a part of your life, that would be a discussion I would expect to be having in our dating relationship, but I did not expect this to be a topic of concern. I get I probably should have been, but let's face it, I wasn't.
At first, I was at a loss as to how to respond. I was amazed that this bothered him so greatly. And after other various dating conversations, I guess it kinda was the opposite of what I had experienced and so it didn't have me in a phase to be ready to address this. I also guess I thought girls were the ones that took this to heart matter to heart, the most...to learn that this is important to a guy no matter how society looks at the dynamic of sex or how much "men love sex" and so many people say its okay to live as you want, it became really clear to me that guys still want that connection to be with "the one her" and they desire to be in a relationship that matters and both parties mutually understand each other and not have experienced this with many people. They don't like being thought of as a player, even if this is how they have lived.
So how do respond to that statement? How do you answer that question?
For me, once I got passed the surprise, it was simple.
I initially responded that I am not a virgin either. Yes, maybe not under the same circumstances by choice, and yes, only a one time encounter, but the fact remains. It's not like I am "Miss Purity"...BUT I am pure in the sense that God has covered me, he has made me new, he has redeemed me, he has made me worthy, he has taken away the guilt put on me, he has restored me, he paid the price for me and I must no longer feel like "used goods" (this is the term my Mom states I am and continues to remind me of whenever she can, and probably will for the rest of my life to reinforce her belief that I will never be wanted by a man because of this awful experience). This is an absolute lie and I will live in the truth! I am not defined by what has happened to me and I will not live in this negative belief. I am done with that story. I have erased it and am moving past it for all I am worth!
From there I addressed the thought and question this way...
The question to me isn't about whether you have or you haven't lived a life solely committed to one person in your past, though that is a conversation we must discuss, but what is your belief now? How do you live your life now in that aspect? What is your purpose in the relationship? That is the true test to your character and belief about this aspect of your life, as it relates to a relationship with God and what he wants for you and from you, and what you want for yourself. If you know those were choices you made in previous experiences, maybe you would choose something different now if you had them to make all over again, either way, you have faced the results of these choices and consequences for them, you have asked God to forgive you for them and you know that he has, and now you are living a life of purity in your heart and mind and body now!!! This is what matters to me. This is what I will base my view of you on, because this is how God views you!
For me to judge you differently and hold something against you isn't acting in love as God loves and as God does with you.
This doesn't excuse your conduct, it doesn't mean there won't be obstacles to overcome, it doesn't mean you won't have to work through the feelings it has created in your world, it means that you are a sinner saved by grace...made pure like white snow...just like me! And I will choose to love you!!! All of you.
I loved a thought in a book I read recently:
Your virginity isn't the most precious part of you; your soul is, the place where Jesus lives.
- Not Marked
Wow...what if we kept that in perspective? That doesn't mean God doesn't call us to live Holy Lives, he does! But what price did he pay for us?
How would you have responded to such a question? How do you help a guy work through these emotions and feelings of being unworthy of you? How do you reinforce this appropriately and yet uphold godly conduct?
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Quotes
Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.
- Tim Keller
- Tim Keller
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