Quotes

Quotes

Dating Questions: How to just go and "have fun"?

Everyone says to just "Go and Have Fun" on dates.  

This is harder than it seems it should be, especially when you come from my zone.  I am sure after much longer at doing this I will figure out exactly what the "Go and Have Fun" means and exactly how to do that as each guy is different and their approach to dating varies.  I must say that the longer I have done it, it has gotten easier, and I am sure the longer I continue it, it will be a skill just like other things, that you learn to do better and perfect through experience.  However, since each person is different, it may always be a challenge.  

My goal is to make it as natural as possible.  To be able to just be comfortable being me.  To not listen to any of those old voices from others who have told me what is right and wrong about dating.  About how to show up in a relationship.  Exactly what to say.  How to dress.  What to do or not do.  I do my best to try to shut them off, boot them out, ignore them, but its hard when you wish you could just delete them and remove them from ever having been in your head in the first place because the foundation as to why they were "right" wasn't a foundation built on faith and trust but one of fear.  I know being able to just be myself is going to be the biggest key to my success at this because anything else doesn't feel right.  Yet, it is still one of the hardest things I have ever done and allowing myself to be just me, relaxed, in my true personality, enjoying the moment, sometimes is just beyond difficult.  And other times, it isn't at all.  

You might be saying why?

Well, it feels like if I honestly just make my purpose to "just enjoy the date" with you then I am not finding out the things I should be about you because the dating process is supposed to be an evaluation and learning process.  I don't want to continue going on dates if you are not a person who has character, appropriate boundaries and like minded interests with me.  Asking questions is the only way I learn those things.  Right?  But then if I try to find out information about you, I feel I turn it into something where I am actually interviewing you and taking mental notes and it is so much harder to make and keep fun in the mix somehow in this process!  Some of the dates I have been on I have actually been able to accomplish both, and these are the ones that are truly the best!!!  

Then when you are able to achieve both with someone, then you have to play "the wait and see game".  It's not like I have this mission to find this man in 2014 and get married, but at the same time, just letting life happen, trying to act like you don't care and not show that it matters to you if you ever hear from them again or if you will get to see them again, that you are just cool with whatever happens is kinda hard, really hard when you want to spend time together.  I am not doing this for kicks to see how many dates I can go on to find a man that wants a relationship.  Promise!

I get frustrated when people say, don't rush into anything.  After waiting 37 years, I promise you, I am.not.rushing.into.anything.at.all.  I promise you, I want the guy that is the imperfect Mr. Right who is the perfect match for me.  I want the best.  The absolute best and I will not settle.  I have no need to settle.  I have an awesome life single and the only reason I want someone else is to take my life to another level that is more awesome than what I currently have and if its not that, its not worth it.  I will find him or I will remain single.  I know I am worth it and I know he is too!  And I want to be the perfect match for him too.  I want to blow him away.  I want to be awesome on such a level that he can't live without me.  If he doesn't feel I will make his life better, why would I want him to want me?

Dang.  It's very tough to be dating.  Trying to figure out this.  Who made this so complicated anyways?  Should dating be this complicated?  

Some days I think staying single would be a better option.  I can control my world this way and believe me its not a shabby world!  I have God and really do I need anything else?  Part of me says no and part of me says yes.  That's where the conflict lies.

Oh dear God, please help me through this to know what you want for my life and help me to figure out what I want too!  You know what is the best for me.  You know what I need.  You know what I need.  You know who, if anyone, would be best to be that person in my life.  I pray you give me answers.

How did you make the dating scene a bunch of fun?  What to you makes this process more fun?  Less complicated?  Easy?

Quotes

You don't love a girl because of beauty. You love her because she sings a song only you can understand.
- L.J. Smith

an idea for a fun date...

One of my friends posted this picture on Facebook...I think its a cute idea! 

What ways would you make your dating or marriage date nights a bunch of fun???  

Oh, this is the kinda fun I wanna have!!!

Dating Questions: Can we be friends?

That's the question.  Can we be friends?  

To answer that in dating, you have to look at several aspects.

Do we have mutual interests?  Do we genuinely care about each other?  Can we support each other in whatever comes up?  Is there mutual respect, appreciation, concern?  Do we enjoy each others presence as we go about our daily lives and there is a chance to do things together?  Do we want to spend time together?  Do we miss each other when we are apart?  Can we talk about everything as friends do?  Can we share parts of our hearts as friends do?  Do we want our friends to meet this new friend because we appreciate them so much?  

A friend [per www.dictionary.com] means:

friend

  [frend]  noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

Some people state you have to be friends first before you can be lovers.  Others state you have to have an attraction in order to date and to be "those kinds of friends".  

I look at it differently.  I think that every relationship is different and how it develops has its own attributes and characteristics, and so you may be friends first and then become lovers or you may be lovers first and develop into friends.  If there is a deep attraction from the get go, I don't think you can say you have to back up and "be friends" first.  I think that encourages you to deny your emotions which God gave you, the attraction and connection you felt for this person, as we all connect to certain people easily and with our hearts.  But the fact remains, I don't see how you can progress in a [potential] marriage relationship in which you will live with someone the rest of your life if you aren't friends.  True friends.  Not surficial friends.  Not friends of convenience. Not friends just when you are in need.  True friends.  A friend who is someone that is everything to you that you want them to be.  Who wants to be with someone you only are romantic with?  Who wants to be with someone you don't find fun to hang around except on dates nights or time spent alone in mad passionate love?

I honestly don't believe my parents were friends.  They had reasons why they matched up with each other and got married, but they were not friends.  They didn't have very many things they liked to do together.  And the few things they did enjoy doing together, eventually died and they no longer did.  They didn't enjoy, truly enjoy with no ulterior motive, just hanging out and having a good time with each other.  If my parents were friends at the beginning of their marriage, it didn't last and they didn't develop the friendship deeply because of how they interacted with each other when I was older.

I absolutely don't want this kind of relationship.  I would rather live alone then deal with being with someone and feeling alone, more alone because you have someone and aren't connected.  I think that would be worse than just living in my own world.  Someone I don't feel is on my side and supportive of me as a friend would be very sad.  

I want to be with someone that I love to do absolutely everything with!!! You think I am joking?  I am not.  And guess what, if you don't want to be with me doing every little thing either, then I would hate for you to be obligated at a relationship with me.  Life is too short for that.  I am not gonna force anyone to be in my world...any more than I want you to force me to be in yours.

Don't get me wrong.  I want my space too.  I want you to feel free to go and have fun with your friends or alone and I want to be free to go and have fun with my friends or alone.  I am not feeling I need to or have to be with you 24/7, but I sure don't want to dread being with you and if given the opportunity to join you, I would want to be with you over being alone because I want to want to be with you that much!  That's what I mean.

Figuring out what being friends is in a relationship though takes time.  For some people "just being friends" has one meaning and for others another meaning.

I had one guy tell me that he can be friends with every girl he dates because he just can because he is that kind of a friend.  When it came down to us getting to know each other and it becoming obvious that we were not a fit because of deal breakers and some signs that he had character issues that I couldn't accept and deal with, he said he would still be my friend and we could just go and do things and hang out.  But he was jealous when I went out on other dates.  He was perturbed I didn't do something with him every night of the week.  I addressed this and told him that we were just gonna be friends and that meant he shouldn't be jealous of someone else in a more personal space in my world in a way that he wasn't.  In the end, he couldn't just be my friend because he wanted more and though he had said he would just be friends, he couldn't and he realized it later.  You have to realize not everyone can be your friend.  Some people want more than that which means they can't back up and just be friends.  They don't know how to be friends without expecting to connect in a romantic way.

I had one guy tell me not to call him friend because when I did, that made him think that there was not a chance for anything else.  This isn't how I meant it...everyone who is truly a part of my inner circle is my friend.  I care about you.  I want the best for you.  I want to support you.  I want to pray for you.  I want to encourage you.  I want to show you love [as a friend, not a lover].  But friends to him meant that nothing potentially would ever be deeper and I had to understand his meaning of friends to relate to him and make him feel comfortable with what friends meant to me.  

There are other times when people say: "I think we should just be friends."  This typically means, I don't want to date you and I don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you I really don't want you in my personal space.  I personally think it would be better that people not state they "just want to be friends" unless that is just what they want and follow through with it.  Be a friend if you are going to say you are, otherwise you are casual acquaintances instead.  Not friends.  More times than not, when someone says this, they don't have the heart to be open, honest and authentic about where they are in the relationship.  And they should.  It doesn't help anyone feel that the person is being real if they can't address the truth of the friendship and what their expectations are out of the relationship.  If you are wanting to just be friends and see that you have that foundation first before you bring romance into the picture, then you need to keep your feelings in check to not send mixed messages.  

Friendship can mean different things to different people and there are levels of to being friends.  But either way, I believe guys and girls can be friends as long as there is a mutual understanding of what that means and an honest evaluation of where each individual's heart is in connecting as friends and what the expectations are out of the friendship.  I was raised that guys and girls can't be friends.  I have friends who believe this is correct and I have friends who believe this is incorrect.  I pray that I am able to make some good guy friends that I can have a part of my life that encourage and support me because I want them in my life like that.  

So I ask you to define for me, what does being friends in a dating relationship mean to you?  How do you show someone you are willing to be their friend?  What qualities must be developed in a friendship for the relationship to survive?  Do you believe guys and girls can be friends?

Quotes

One thing that can stop us from being a truthful worshiper is feeling like we have nothing to offer to God. 

- DarleneZschech

the interesting thing about blogging

I love blogging.

I love writing.

I love sharing my thoughts.

I love getting feedback from the words I write and the thoughts I share.  

I love the people that take time to comment, email me follow up thoughts, text me that my post really hit home with them, Facebook message me and share how the post impacted their world, comment on the link on Facebook after reading it or share my post from my Twitter feed.  It tells me that what they thought I wrote was meaningful enough that they wanted their inner circle of friends to read it too.  The ripple effect of blogging on my friendships is exciting to me!

Even after 7 years of blogging, I am still amazed that the posts I spend the most time writing, trying to make sure my thoughts make sense, that I have written all that I want to convey, that I have shared exactly what I should and left out what I shouldn't...are rarely the posts that hit home with people.  They rarely are the ones that get any feedback.  They are rarely the ones that seem to stir a connection.

The blog posts that create the most connection with people are the ones that take only 5 minutes to write.  Not literally, but figuratively in the sense that they are the ones that my heart just feels called to write and I sit down and it all comes out and very little time is spent making it all come together.  They are the ones that are written when I rarely worry about what people will think about what I am writing, because I really don't care, I have a message I want to share.  I write because its my heart and I share all of it.  People cry.  People comment.  People are amazed that I am this authentic, open, and bare my soul to the depths that I do.

The other blog posts that seem to create the most connection with people are the ones that I write about topics that are hurtful.  Topics that are sensitive.  Topics that people avoid.  Topics that we all face.   These are the ones that people resonate with.  Topics that I am bold to go into.  These are the posts where I hold nothing back.  And people appreciate the honesty.

Part of me wonders why that is?  Part of me knows.  The evidence is there as to why these posts are a home run hit!

It is after writing these two kinds of posts that I wish I spent more time writing.

He Loves ME

Happy Fathers Day to you Dads!  

It truly is a blessing to be a Father and to make an impact in a child's life.  It is an enormous responsibility, but the calling supercedes all others.  The calling to show love, to teach skills, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to support, to make an impact that goes beyond your own little world.  

One of the guys I have been out with on a few dates takes a lot of pictures of him with his daughter.  He is always finding ways to spend time with her.  His love for her is amazing!  

It got me thinking.  

I have one memory of something my Dad did, completely an idea all on his own, unasked by Mom, in which he offered to take me and my sister late one New Years Eve to the grocery store to purchase and get some candy.  We were beyond ecstatic!!!  This was not something my Dad had ever done and the fact that my Mom allowed it, was truly amazing. [We were never allowed to be alone with my Dad and candy was not something we got very much, so the combination, was a huge event in my little world.]

I don't have one picture that I am aware of with my Dad.  Not one.  I am not saying none were ever taken, because I don't have all the photos of my childhood, but I don't have one and don't remember one in all the times we poured over the albums we had.  And then I got to thinking about if I had had a picture with my Dad, would he have been smiling?  Would he have had his arm around me?  Would I have been sitting on his lap?  Would he have been kissing my cheek?

The sad thing is to realize that I know the answers to those questions.  You might say, why would you even think about such things?  

Because these things drive me to be a different person.  Even if I am never a parent.  These things drive me to reach out to that child who you can see the pain in their eyes, the longing for a hug, the longing for connection, the longing to be accepted, the longing to be loved, the longing to be wanted, the longing to mean something to somebody, the longing for affirmations and positive thoughts, the longing to be understood, the desire for all of these needs to be filled.....

That child may not be young, it may be the inner child of an adult who still has this need and who is hurting, deeply hurting.  This inner child may be YOU, my dear friend.  This inner child many times is ME.

My Dad...Randall Russell Gilbert
[maybe someday photos of just you and me will show up]

Today, I know as my Dad looks down from Heaven, He Loves Me!!! Even though he never knew how to, couldn't, didn't say it or show it.  He loves me as he has never loved me.  He sees me in a way he never saw me when I was at home living the life of being his daughter.  He cannot redo being a Dad to me.  
...but I believe with my whole heart he loves me now!

You may be like me.....Never had a Dad who said you were beautiful.  You were loved.  Who kissed you beyond the dutiful goodnight kiss as a child on the cheek.  Who held you close.  Who hugged you just because.  Who made you feel like a million bucks.  Who enjoyed being with you.  Who told you that you were wanted.  Who sat on the couch and talked to you.  Who took you for a walk.  Who rode bikes with you.  Who cooked in the kitchen with you.  Who did a craft with you because it was your favorite thing.  Who did things for you just because he wanted to be with you.  Who took you out for Daddy Daughter Dates.  Who cared so much about you that you knew it every single day.  

But I promise you, God does!

He LOVES you.

Believe me, I know sometimes it is hard to let God's love be enough and replace those human connections and relationships where you can actually hear the words and feel the emotional expression...the connections and relationships that God wants you to have so that you understand his love on a deeper level.  I am not trying to tell you those connections and relationships don't matter or that God replaces them completely, because I no longer believe that as I was taught.  These relationships do matter, immensely or God would not have created them.  Every little girl wants to be her Daddy's World.  We need our Dad's.  And God can be to us what other people are not, but their touch in our lives makes us more complete.  As with all things in my life, I will always try to find the positive focus to let that rule over the negative feelings in order to have a thriving life.  And I want you to too.

If you have been blessed to have a Dad that loves you and takes pictures with you, who tells you that you are beautiful, you are loved, kisses you, holds you close, hugs you just because, makes you feel like a million bucks, enjoys just being with you, tells you that you are wanted, talks to you, does things with you, takes you out on Daddy Daughter Dates and more...go tell your Daddy today how much you love him back!  You may never know what is going on in his world and what he needs to hear from you today.

May each of us purpose today to be that loving person in a connection and relationship to that inner child that needs to know.....

I am Loved!

I am Wanted!

I am Accepted!

I am Understood.

I Matter!

I am Good Enough!

And I am Beautiful!

You are, my friend.

Dating Questions: How do you know if it's his personality or he just isn't that into you?

Some days I think that Dating brings up more questions than answers.  How do you find the answers?  Some things aren't a morality issue or based off a principal from God.  Is time the only answer that divulges the truth?

My personality is very intuitive, introspective, observant, passionate, courageous, determined, and loving.  I show up this way in every way in life, and dating has not been an exception to this.  In this process of putting myself out there to connect with men and get to know them, I am finding that some things are simply Men vs Woman, aka Mars vs Venus differences, but at other times they are simply personality differences.  

These differences are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are opposites.  We tend to make the way a guy thinks vs the way a girl thinks right vs wrong.  What if we did more to understand that both are right, neither is wrong and learn to accept the differences and appreciate that each aspect of the differences allows us to connect in a way that we wouldn't have if we were the same?  What if we tried to create a relationship that was a blend of both?  One that enhanced the strengths of each person?

But how do you know when its a personality difference vs a guy that just isn't that into you?  How do you figure out the man code and male language for what it is and not miss the meaning that he is trying to send you without having to ask a pointed question that makes him feel you are criticizing him?  Or putting him on the spot?  Without making him feel you are questioning his every move?  Without making him feel he has to commit to a relationship when you know that he is trying to figure things out just as much as you are?  Some days trying to listen to the clues and figure out the answers is more challenging than it seems.

The challenge is to communicate through them and not push the other person out the door.  I am a communicator.  I will share my thoughts, my heart, my feelings with you. I will ask questions, lots of questions.  I generally don't find this very hard to do, even on difficult topics.  When I do, I stop and pray and take a deep breath.  I want you to do the same, communicate and ask questions.  You may not communicate as I do and I am fine that you don't, just as long as communication happens so that I can learn to understand you.  My goal isn't to communicate to push you away but to draw you closer.  To connect on a level that makes you feel understood, loved and respected.  

The challenge is to be patient.  When I say be patient, I mean to be willing to let life happen to create enough opportunities for you to follow a pattern, not a one time incident to come to a conclusion about something.  I am a problem solver.  I don't let issues lay on the table.  I want resolution.  The challenge will be to exercise more patience and let what should be, be.  Sometimes that means when I want to address something, I have to let it ride because a guy may not be ready for that and it might not be time to ask him to be ready for that.  I am not desperate or in a rush to find my man, but I am also not interested in making something complicated or dragging something out that isn't meant to be a part of my life.  Knowing how much time to give something and let it ride is a learning experience.  Learning when is the right time to address something, question, or get clarification is a difficult thing with men.

The challenge is to remember that they have lived a life alone just like you and adjusting to having someone in your personal space takes time, no matter how much you enjoy each others company.  There will need to be space given to move into a space of singleness to deep connection, if that is meant to happen.  It means there are times the relationship is going to need space so that you can figure out what is important to you and what you really want.  Both parties understanding this is a critical element to a healthy relationship.

The challenge is to remember that the goal of dating is to figure out if you are compatible.  If you enjoy spending time with each other.  If the initial attraction is something that you want to grow deeper.  If both parties walk the talk [what they say and what they do align].  To understand what their story is.  If you can embrace this person for where they are, willing to understand that we all have brokenness and they want to be loved just as much as you do, then you will be a fit.  To figure out these answers you have to date.

Another challenge is to see if they follow through with what they say they are going to do.  And when they don't, give them a chance to explain why.  Sometimes things happen in life to intervene and they are not able to follow through on what they said they were going to do.  Sometimes they truly forget.  Other times they have no intention of keeping their word and you will find that out by the explanation they give you.  You have to understand that the only way you will figure this out is to let the circumstances be what they will be and accept what they tell you is the reason and let them show you they are at the core.  They will.  You will figure out patterns and know if they are being honest with you.

The challenge is to figure out if he just thinks you are cute or if he likes you completely, the whole package you bring to the table.  When you want them to understand, love and accept you for you its hard to believe that some people only care about one aspect and that the other characteristics are not important to them, but sometimes cute is as deep as they want to get with you.  You can't lose focus and dismiss these things or you will have a relationship void of the true connection you desire.

I have not read the book, He's Just Not That Into You...but maybe I should...it might give me more answers to understanding men and the dilemmas of dating.  For now, I am reading Getting the Love You Want, Boundaries in Dating, and Mars and Venus on a Date.  

What tips would you give me to understand the clues of a man?  Any books you have found helpful in moving into the male and female relationship?  Any way you look to understand his personality vs the male dynamics as God created them?

Quotes

Love my Coaches!!!
 #LockinDownTheTruth
#MarciLock
#90DayMastermindCoaching
#LiveBIG

Quotes

Quotes

The purpose of relationships is to magnify human emotion and experience.

a written prayer

Lord, may I live my life so in love with You, so in step with You, so intimately close with You, that people see You in me. Help me to exhibit Your peace in my storms, Your compassion for the hurting, Your forgiveness when wronged, Your commitment in service, and Your unconditional love for people. Help me live a life that is honoring to You in all that I do. Help me reflect Your likeness as I submit more and more of myself to Your Spirit’s indwelling and influence. When my days on earth have ended and I am ushered into Your presence, may all who reflect on my life be encouraged by my resemblance to You. 

Dating Questions: How do you not become overwhelmed in this process?

The dating scene is new to me.  Hahahahahah...you know this...but I just had to remind you in case you forgot. I am not a pro.  I am in training.  I am getting experience.  Even after 9 weeks now of putting myself "out there"?  I can't say I like it.  

It's difficult.  And not a difficulty I find fun or challenge that is intriguing.  Sometimes it can feel like it's complicated, way more complicated than it appears.  It is most definitely a roller coaster ride!  You think you are on the ride up, making some headway and then mixed signals come or perplexing situation and you can't seem to piece the puzzle pieces together to make sense of it.  And then other times it is clear that you are headed down, increasing speed, faster than you can think is possible.  Sometimes so fast you wonder if you are going to crash.  And then, you think maybe you should just derail or jump off?  Skip this?  And then sometimes you get small pieces put together in the puzzle and you say, Okay, deep breath.  I think I can do this.  I got this.  God's got this.  I am not crazy.  All is good.  And you dig into it deeper.

Ohhh, you think I am joking???  

Geez, it plays with your emotions, more than anything I have had in my world for some time.  I don't like chaos. I don't like uncertainty.  I like structure.  I like a plan.  I like knowing what's gonna happen.  I like being in control of my environment.  I like a routine.  This doesn't fit that mold and its requiring me to look at things differently.  It's making me realize stuff about myself.  My expectations out of myself and life, particularly.  

Maybe you haven't experienced what I have, but having had a childhood full of chaos, I strive to create anything but chaos.  Having lived every moment in uncertainty, I make every effort to create certainty of the things I can.  Having lived in structure, I don't know lack of structure.  Having always being a part of a family who couldn't make decisions, couldn't stick to a plan, couldn't show up and live out their life without fear, drama and control, I make a plan and follow it through, adjusting it when and as is needed but never forgetting the reason for the original plan.  I have benefited greatly from having a routine.  I get more done by this aspect of my life and with being an entrepreneur it has been one of the reasons I have been so successful.

So when you experience the opposite in dating, it's hard to not just get in there and fix it.  As a consultant and trainer, I am always evaluating and analyzing to make things more efficient, to increase production, to streamline processes, to evaluate what is working and what isn't and make changes accordingly.  This is a skill I have and have adapted it to my trade and what I do well at.  But it doesn't seem to be working in the dating scene.  Or is it and I am just not good at it?  I am learning sometimes you just have to let things ride.  They will work themselves out as they are supposed to if you give it time and seek God in prayer.  I don't mean that as a cliche statement. I mean it as a reality.

Either way, I haven't been able to avoid some of the emotional chaos this dating scene has brought into my world.  When I say emotional chaos, I am talking about that emotional roller coaster ride.  Maybe this emotional chaos is another reason I have lost more weight besides that Yoga is having some positive results on my body???  Either way, I am down yet another size.  The smallest I have ever been since moving to Texas.

Sorry, that was a tangent...back to the dating scene.  

If I had my preference, I would rather just accidentally meet you somewhere then have to "go find you".  Seriously.  You know at church, at an evening over at a friends house, a fundraiser, while working at a charity event like Ronald McDonald House where I serve monthly, or at a clients office...yah, something casual, not so out there as one individual meeting another individual and going "out on a date".  Something without having to go through this routine, over and over and over.

But so far that hasn't been an option and therefore here I am, doing the online dating thing.  For now.  I am under no obligation or commitment to it.  And I might decide I want to give up the search to "go find you" and let God drop you in my lap as I have said before would be the best way.

I must be honest and tell you, initially it was beyond overwhelming.  Especially for me at the beginning when I started this process.  Probably because of the dynamics of my own personal story with this and the fact that at 37 I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, and I obviously had no idea what to expect.  In the first two weeks, I hate to admit it because it makes me sick, but I had 65 guys messaging me!!!  Maybe you find that flattering, I wasn't sure it was so much of a compliment.  I am not into myself thinking I am this hot chic and didn't find that to be what I wanted as a response, I wasn't looking for a bunch of people to have to respond to.  Believe me when I tell you that THIS WAS NOT what I expected, but what did I expect???  I honestly don't know, just not that for sure.  

I have responded to every email, notification, or match that I have gotten.  There is a plethora of guys, but not men necessarily I want in my world.  Some of you don't understand why I would/do respond to each person.  I don't see any reason to be mean and I think no response creates a cold silence that is just that.  It's mean.  Even if I don't find you attractive or my type after looking at your pictures, reading your profile, and maybe having some dialogue with you, I think its only appropriate to be kind and respond.  I will be honest and keep things where I see them.  I am not into playing games.  I am not into being rude.  You have a purpose as to why you are on there and so do I.  If you are not interested you, should say so.  If I am not interested, I should say so.

Some of you have said, "Of course you would get that amount of a response Misty, you are cute, dang cute!"  Really.  Is dating just all about being cute?  A dang cute guy or a dang cute girl?  I sure hope not!

For me, dang cute doesn't mean that they like my profile description of what I am looking for.  Dang cute doesn't mean we are compatible or that our values, beliefs and boundaries are remotely the same.  Dang cute doesn't mean you have a fun personality.  Dang cute doesn't mean you can make me laugh.  Dang cute doesn't mean that you love God.  Dang cute doesn't mean you are respectful.  Dang cute doesn't mean you are honest.  Dang cute doesn't mean you can or will communicate.  Dang cute doesn't mean you are fun.  Dang cute doesn't and isn't everything.  But yes, dang cute is an attribute we each want and I hope to find me a dang cute guy that thinks I am a dang cute girl and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  Sure do!

So...Call me ignorant.  Call me oblivious.  Call me a blond brunette.  This response was exhausting.  Yes, you weed out 95% of them quickly for various reasons.  But no matter how you look at it, it is still exhausting.  Sometimes flat out discouraging.  Sometimes a bunch of fun.  Sometimes really frustrating. Sometimes intriguing.  Sometimes exciting.  Sometimes perplexing. But in reality, it truly is a mix of all of it!  Just like all the rest of the things we experience in life.  There are good and bad moments to each encounter.  

You ask many of the same questions to every person.  You have to tell the same story over and over and over.  You have to try to figure out if they are being open, honest, authentic, and sincere.  You have to figure out their personality.  You have to figure out if you have a connection.  You have to figure out if they are of interest to you or you are to them.  You have to figure out if they are just another player out for a short lived girlfriend fling.  You have to figure out so much stuff...

After several weeks of this process, the overwhelmed feeling not dissipating, the frustrations with dating taking control over my life, I decided to change my approach and only will get on maybe once a week.  No more checking it morning and night.  And then, when I made that decision, I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted to do that because I am not interested in being overwhelmed.  I am not interested in making my life chaotic.  I am not interested in making this difficult, any more than it needs to be or any more than I have to have it be, I will keep it simple.  And keeping it simple I have.  I haven't been on in over 3 weeks.  Yes, there will be difficulties to it, all relationships take work, but I am not into forcing something to come about and happen in my life.  If this is something that is meant to happen, then I know my God will make sure it does.  He is the one who has the perfect plan for my life and when the time is right, it will be perfect just then, no sooner, no later.  Completely.  That being said, I will do my part, but I can't make someone show up and be there in my life who doesn't want to be and truly, why would I want someone who doesn't want to be that in my life?  Not a chance.  Life is too short and too full of opportunities to drag someone into it that doesn't want to be there.  

Who says I have to do this check it so often, spend so much time on it, go on so many dates, etc?  Yah, nobody.  I will make my own rules and I will do it at my own pace.  If you, Mr. Guy, don't like it that I don't respond quickly enough, you can go find another dang cute chic because I am sure they will be happy to have you hitting them up.  I am not into seeing how many guys I can get to like my profile or pictures.  Or how many guys I can rack up in sending me messages.  I am not that kind of chic.  I am not into just being hit on for the fun of it, I want to find someone I enjoy being with and want to share every moment of my life with.  If you are that, I will know it in due time and if you are not, well, we will both keep searching.  Or maybe I will give up searching.

Either way, know this:
  

I will date intentionally.  I will invest time, energy, money, along with my heart, mind and soul into getting to know you.  What you do from your side of the relationship is your deal.  But I will be authentically me.  I will not hold back loving you and being your friend.  There is a reason God allowed our paths to cross and I am going to make the most of each opportunity with you.

Have you done online dating?  If so, what was your method?  If not, but you did dating, what recommendations do you have? Any suggestions on how to make this process not so overwhelming and emotionally challenging???

Quotes

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

- Brian Tracy, Author

The Relationship Wheel

One of my very close friends shared this with me...thought you would benefit from it too.  It's The Relationship Wheel.  If you just take one trait away, the relationship will not run smoothly.

Ponder these 10 traits!

Quotes

Unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.
- Single Matters

Dating Questions: Why is it so hard for you to communicate?

Communication is so important.  In EVERY relationship.  Not just guy-girl relationships, but in every.single.relationship. 

However, today's post is going to be directed to communication in the dating relationship.  Of course, you know this by the Title..and by the theme on my blog as of late.

Why do guys put so little effort to make communication happen?  Why do girls make it more complicated then it needs to be to communicate?  Why is communication difficult between guys and girls?  Why can't everyone see that it makes things so much easier if you just simply communicate?  Truly.  Very simple.

I love one of the lines to the lyric of the song Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson...

"Let's not make this harder than it has to be"

I feel sometimes this dating process is harder than it has to be.  It shouldn't have to be this hard.

I am passionate about communicating.  Do I do it perfectly?  No.  Do I sometimes feel I over communicate?  Yes.  Do I sometimes feel that what I communicate is misunderstood?  Yes.  Would I rather over communicate than not communicate at all?  Yes.  Do I sometimes think that people fight communication when if they embraced it it would be the key to the problem?  Yes.  Is communication extremely important to me?  It is!!!  Oh so much.  

I spend a lot of time learning how to do it better. I evaluate what I have done in the past and what gave me the best results.  I have seen the results of good communication and I have seen the results of lack of communication.  Therefore, when you have the proof in the pudding so to speak, why do we not spend more time perfecting communication?

I am amazed at how many times people can't simply say what they are thinking, they are feeling, they want, they need, they desire, the dream of, they are afraid of, they wish, they anticipate, they hope for, they understand to be, they are concerned about...

But they don't.  They leave it to be assumed or to be figured out or think it will just be known if they leave things alone and it will resolve itself or they don't think it is important.

Really?  Since when did one of us become mind readers?  Guys or girls?  Since when did all of us think, feel, want, need, desire, dream, fear, wish, anticipate, hope, understand or have concerns about in the same way???  Right.  Never.  Even when speaking to people of the same sex.  So what should we do to correct this?  And why don't we focus on correcting it?

I was reminded by a friend to say:

"It makes me feel _____ when you do or say _____ ."

I was taught this at my first LiveBIG Conference and guess what, I had already forgotten it.  She reminded me at a time when I needed it.  Really needed it.  Because I was trying to make my point with facts instead of stating how something made me feel.  That's all that matters.  How it makes me feel because if you truly care about what I feel, you will focus on doing what you can to help me.

To me, communication is simple.  State what you are feeling and why.  Give the person a chance to hear your side of view.  Don't let it stop you from being you.  Don't be worried about what they think.  Put your cards out on the table and proceed after the next move is played.  It isn't hard.  Just do it!

If you are not interested in the dating relationship, say so.  If you don't want to go out on a date, say so.  If you want something different than how that person is showing up, say so.  If you miss them, say so.  If you care about them, say so.  If you enjoy their company, say so.  If you have changed your mind, say so.  If you need space, say so.  If you want time to reflect and answer questions, say so.  Don't hold back.  Don't be silent.  Don't ignore this person that you have allowed into your world and heart, even if its just a small amount.  They deserve your respect and communication.  It only creates more frustration in the relationship, not less.  It only leads to confusion and a lack of understanding intentions.  It only makes that person feel things they don't want to be feeling and that you can eliminate if you would simply and clearly share.

For me, I want to be a part of a relationship with a man that wants a companion. I want to experience a friendship and love with a man that is all my own.  If you don't want to be him, say so.  Why would I want to continue to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't want me in that way?  I don't.  I want a relationship with someone who wants me, really wants me, all of me!  I am not into forcing you to be on the same page with me.  Friendships, relationships, and Love are a choice.  And YOU get to choose just as much as I do!  Will I miss you???  Yes, I will.  Even if we are not a fit?  I most absolutely will.  Because everyone that comes into my life, even for a season, is used in my journey and I will miss you.  Even if you don't care about me like I care for you or you care about me like I don't care about you...we still have interacted and been a part of each others courageous journey.  But know this, my world will not fall a part.  If you need more time to figure out if you are him or I am her, say so.  If you have questions you need answered, ask them.  If you need space, ask for it.  If you have changed your mind at any point along the way, say so.  Don't expect me to figure out the meaning of your actions or lack there of.  I am not a mind reader and don't plan on making that a life long commitment either. LOL!!!

What books have you read about communication that you feel have dramatically improved your world in regards to communication?  

You are worth it!

the highest price

You ever have a message come at you in more than one way, in different formats, but the main theme the same?  It seems that many of the messages come to you like this, one right after another, so thoroughly and completely without being sought out after that you have to stop and reflect and it makes you realize that God is talking to you!  That he has a special message for you.  But what is it???!!!???  I don't know if you have had this happen, but for me, when it is a continual message to you in more than one way, it makes me get a grip and realize that its important.  Very important and of such significance that he is stopping and asking you to learn, to absorb, to wake up, to take notice, to get the memo.  Maybe on something I haven't been willing to accept.  Or something I need, most desperately.

I have had one of those moments lately.  The message has been astounding to reflect on.

If you are like me, you have been told that God paid The Highest Price for you.  But have you thought about that?  

The HIGHEST PRICE!  What is that?

Different people the last two weeks have spoke to my heart on this topic, but instead of sharing their nuggets, I am going to share my own as I have meditated on the things that I have been presented and given it some thought.

I put a bid on the house I currently own, January 2007.  In the end, I was the top bidder of 4 bidders.  I bid the highest price.  I won by $9K.  How did I become the winner?  Only God knows, but it was meant for me and I have made it my own.  

When you are the highest bidder and pay the highest price, you own it.  Its yours.  Nobody else can touch the house or live in it.  They can want it, but they can't have it.  As the highest bidder you have an attitude of pride over your purchase.  You have a desire to make it your own.  You put the hard work and effort into making the improvements.  You do the touches that give it your flavor and personality.  You have a purpose.  You have a mission.  You have fun showing off your purchase to your friends.  You bring your friends over and let them enjoy it with you.  You are excited about this thing you own!  It's YOURS!

Do you think God looks at you an differently?  Nobody else can touch you, he owns you.  They can try to claim you, but you are God's and he owns you.  He has deep pride in you, because he bought you.  You are his own.  He is proud of you!!!  The paperwork shows he owns you.  

But he bought you at the highest price possible.

Think about it.  If you were bidding on the house that I bought and is mine, you could have been bidding against me and in a normal bidding scenario (though this wasn't that because the bidders didn't know what each other had bid) you would have the option to increase the price to a higher dollar if someone was out bidding you.  You would have the option to say, this is worth it to me, I will pay this much more for it.  I want it this badly, I am willing to pay this much for it.  You wouldn't blink an eye, you would do it in a heartbeat, because your soul wanted to purchase it whatever the cost.

That's exactly what God did for you!  For me!   He said, I don't care the cost, I will pay the absolute highest price for this child I want.  I will make sure that I am the winning bidder.  I am the one who will own this.   I will be the one who proudly to takes credit for this purchase.  I am the one who loves them more than you do.  I will see to it that nobody outbids me.

And he did.  He paid the HIGHEST price.  For You.  For Me.  

What happens when you think about someone paying the highest price for you?  Someone being that proud of you that they wanted you that desperately, that aggressively, that completely?  What happens when you know you are owned by someone who wanted you that much?

Do you fight this?  Or do you accept it?

For me, it makes me feel like I want to be more loyal.  I want to give more of me to the person who paid the highest price for me.  I want to appreciate that love, deeply appreciate because its depth is tremendous.  I want to be connected to that person beyond anything or anyone else.  It also makes me feel pretty special because I was wanted that much.

What do you think would change if you believed and realized someone paid The Highest Price for you?  

What does paying The Highest Price mean to you???  

How does this affect your decisions and how you live today, knowing God paid The Hightest Price for YOU???