Since January 2012, I have been traveling weekly to a clients office and I stay in a hotel not even a mile from the office. I typically eat dinner at the same Italian restaurant, Roma's. Why? Because they treat me well!!! They serve dinner until 9.30pm...no matter what time I come in, even if it is 5 minutes until closing, they will seat me and are kind and don't act in a hurry. They fix whatever I want over veggies and omit the pasta. If they are a BYOB place, however, because they know I travel and I don't want to buy a bottle and drink the whole thing by myself, they will give me a glass if they have some - on the house! They are interested in how my work project is going and how life is with me. The owner will sit and discuss business, employee issues, family and life with me. The waitresses are sweet...they all take really good care of me!!! And let me not forget to mention that their food is delicious! Absolutely yummy!!!
Tonight, I had to opportunity to make an observation of the people eating there. As I walked in an Amish couple with a young kid and probably a mother or mother in law were making their way out of the restaurant. As they were walking out, each of the adults looked me up and down and I could sense complete disapproval. I was a black 3 tiered ruffled skirt with high heels and a dressy creamy white and black shirt that is about the length of my fingertips (actually the one I am wearing in my profile picture in this profile photo of me here on my blog). I smiled at them. I got no smile back, only a cold stare and eyes that didn't want to make contact. I am not sure why, but it really struck me tonight so strongly, but it did...how is it every Amish person I have met is typically like this? Maybe you have had a different encounter, but I can't remember one.
Roma's allows you to pick where you want to sit and I usually pick a booth, they are so much more cozy to me then tables. I opened my menu but really wasn't paying attention. My mind was on these 4 people I just saw leave the restaurant. My heart was hurting for the lack of contentment in their faces, for the cold stiff lives they are indebted to feel they must live. What makes people like that feel so cold to others, whether believers or not, just because they don't dress as they do? What makes them not be able to show God's love? What makes them not be rejoicing in the fact their sins are forgiven? What makes them not be able to radiate being blessed individuals? Yet at the same time, I had feelings of knowing exactly what this bondage is like. I have worshiped and met with Christians my entire life who are like this. They state they don't believe just because you wear pants that you are not a Christian, but the way they treat Christians that do is a complete stark opposite example of that. They make comments that they have walked away from God because their dress has changed. They question that they really can be saved, yet they teach that you can't loose your Salvation. It is a mixed bag of concepts and if you step back and reflect on it all logically, you will find things don't align up. I have had people say to me, no they really don't Misty, you just think that. Really? A message was given a year ago about how their was a lady who was one of the other minister's Mom's and how she wore pants her entire life, painted her nails, wore ear rings but had a close relationship with the Lord and genuinely loved all Christians, maybe even more than those who didn't do those things. However, when people that no longer meet with this group of Christian's came to the event for Manual and Renee last Saturday Night and wore pants, had painted nails and wore ear rings, the comments made publicly at the meeting the very next day were that this is a slap in God's face, conduct that "we" do not approve of and it was not appreciated. What? I thought you said that these things defined your relationship with Christ? When mixed messages like this are sent out to people, it creates struggles in the hearts and minds of those who truly want to love each other and follow God. You come away with feeling and believing that your dress is simply what is important. People's approval is what is important. Nothing about your relationship with God because these items supersede that. The relationship with these people is simply and completely about approval. I didn't used to think so until I stepped back away and dealt with questions, criticism, judgement based off of decisions I made, condemnation over how I have lived my life, and when I started really looking at what God's Word says and doesn't say, what I was taught, what I wasn't taught, what I believed, what I didn't believe, why I believed it, why I didn't believe it, what is carried out in action by others, by me and what God wants me to carry out in action...When you look at it through this lens, you have a whole different viewpoint on what you have always considered "right".
As I was sitting there trying to work through these thoughts in my heart and mind, I overheard conversation at the round table next to my booth. There were two couples there. One of the guys was discussing a really good movie that he wanted the other couple to see, Seven Days in Utopia. [I saw this movie on Netflix during my surgery recovery and it greatly impacted my world!] Their conversation went on to The History Channel that is showing a Bible Series right now. In the midst of this, their food was delivered and they prayed before they ate. They thanked God for His love, the forgiveness of sins, for their time together and His part in their lives and for all the people all over the world.
As I was taking this all in, my heart was Lord, why are all these events happening in a row for me tonight? What do you want me to learn? What am I to take away from this? Do you want me to go talk to them? I felt a sense of a message: "Be Still my child and watch and listen." I did.
I ordered my food. Before I received my order, another middle to older aged couple came in with their handicapped daughter. They sat in the booth next to me with the wheelchair parked at the end. The man was the most kind to this girl. She kept trying to say things and he didn't understand what she was saying, yet he kept trying to figure it out. He did not get impatient. He did not get irritated. He laughed when he got it wrong and kept trying. They ordered. Their food arrived. Then he prayed, loud so I could hear the entire thing. He thanked God for this new house they just got, for it having more storage then the last place and for it accommodating all their needs. He thanked them that everything had gone smoothly. He asked that they be a testimony to this community and meet new friends. He thanked God for the forgiveness of sins and for God's love. It was not a long prayer, but it was very heartfelt.
At this point, I felt overwhelmed by the sheer contrast of the people I had seen upon arrival who were walking out the door who "looked" like faith believing individuals but that lacked the rejoicing spirit to those who sat in the table and booth next to me that were not dressed and did not look like faith believing individuals, yet their lives clearly were centered around God and His love, His forgiveness, and very apart of their lives!!!
I finished my food in silence and in prayer and headed to the hotel to pray and seek God's direction for the meaning of all this in one evening. I absolutely believe He had one, and though I may not know what it means all yet, I know it is a seed He is working to grow in my life. God is teaching me lessons and I am overwhelmed by the daily ways He is apart of my life and showing me His ways! I wish I could blog about all of them...but alas, I don't have that amount of time, but I do plan to try to do as much sharing as I can. God is very sovereign! Beyond what I have ever known Him to be!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
extreme gratitute
I continue to rejoice! I am beyond grateful and counting my blessings over and over for the things the Lord has worked out for me lately after several events that have been very challenging and difficult, particularly with the 5 month fight with my Health Insurance with regards to payment processing for the claims related to my surgery back in October 2012.
God had a plan from the beginning and I have trusted that whatever happened would be the way He wanted it to be. He knew all the little details. He knew my Insurance was going to deny payment. He know that it would take a fight to get it reconsidered. He knew I had the experience and the skills to provide an effective and successful argument; however it is also very well known that even effective arguments are not won and that in the end this might not be in my favor. I appreciate Him looking out for me. Though I have Endometriosis, this was not the final reason we decided to do surgery and therefore for insurance to bundle it all was inappropriate and in the end, I won because I fought with facts and details of my condition and I trusted God to do the rest.
The Lord truly answers are prayers when we trust Him and let Him answer in His time. It was not something I figured would end in my favor, but I was determined to try, even if that meant up 3 Levels to get an effective response. I was going to do it. I knew in the end, it would take God to do His work on my behalf. He did. It only took 2 Levels to reach a favorable decision.
I am daily grateful.
God had a plan from the beginning and I have trusted that whatever happened would be the way He wanted it to be. He knew all the little details. He knew my Insurance was going to deny payment. He know that it would take a fight to get it reconsidered. He knew I had the experience and the skills to provide an effective and successful argument; however it is also very well known that even effective arguments are not won and that in the end this might not be in my favor. I appreciate Him looking out for me. Though I have Endometriosis, this was not the final reason we decided to do surgery and therefore for insurance to bundle it all was inappropriate and in the end, I won because I fought with facts and details of my condition and I trusted God to do the rest.
The Lord truly answers are prayers when we trust Him and let Him answer in His time. It was not something I figured would end in my favor, but I was determined to try, even if that meant up 3 Levels to get an effective response. I was going to do it. I knew in the end, it would take God to do His work on my behalf. He did. It only took 2 Levels to reach a favorable decision.
I am daily grateful.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Benefit Dinner for Manual & Renee
Wow! What a great turnout tonight for the Benefit Dinner in honor of Manual & Renee. I didn't get to say hi to all of my friends, saw many of them across the room, and others that I never even saw but heard later were there. It is so hard sometimes in a big group to get around to everyone. Lots of people from Oklahoma came down, which was really kind of them to make the effort.
For those of you that don't know, Manual has cancer. Kidney and Lung. He is set to go to MD Anderson this next week to see what options they might have for him. Please keep them in your prayers. This has been a tough journey, but they know they have the Lord with them by their side and that He will work this out according to His Will. We also know that the Lord hears and answers prayer and that we can make our requests known to Him and He will hear us! What a blessing that is.
Manual & Renee had all the people that were the closest to them sit at their table. Many of them were people who no longer meet with the Fort Worth Group of Christians, but who love them dearly and who are very much apart of and involved in their lives. I was grateful that Manual & Renee did this because it showed who truly are their friends. They didn't feel the need to have others at their table who they are not close to, only because they "still come to meetings". You might not understand, but in the situation with a lot of dynamics going on in this assembly, I think it was a needed message regardless of what is said by others.
There were lots and lots of small dollar stuff for the Silent Auction. As I walked around the room and viewed the items, I wasn't thinking we were going to have the results we did. I don't mean that in a mean way, I simply didn't see the high bids and wasn't sure we would raise very much, but in the end, it was a good result. We raised $5K from the dinner itself and $12K in Auction items. I am sure it was over $17K by the time everyone paid their dues because I know several paid more. I wasn't going to bid on anything because I have no real needs and have tons of things [truly more than one person needs in a house], however I then thought since I was going to donate some money anyways, if I found some neat items I could just give them as gifts. In the end, I bid on three items: a cream throw, a cute sign that said Amazing Grace with a flower on it, and a burlap pillow that had the word HOME written across it made by Charlotte Bishop. I was the highest bidder for the throw. I was bidding against two individuals for the Amazing Grace sign, and the price kept going up and up. One of the people who was bidding was very irritated with me for bidding it up. This person told me at one point to stay away, it was theirs. I laughed and said, I am not sure I am going to bid more, I need to think about it. In the end, I did. The person found me later and said I am going to slit your throat, I want that really bad, you are having way too much fun with this. I was bewildered. It is a Silent Auction. That means you can bid an item up if you want to and pay as much money for it if you want to. If they want it, they have to pay more then I am willing to pay. That is how it works. Why would you be so upset over something like this? It hurt. I wasn't doing this to make enemies...and if truth be told, when I initially saw their name on the bidding sheet, I thought it would make a nice birthday gift to them as what I wanted to do for their birthday never worked out with their schedule. However when the bidding got higher and higher and those things were said to me, it made me just want to keep it because it simply was a lovely item that I loved and really wanted in my house as I knew it would look perfect. In the end, I wasn't the highest bidder. However I learned that the person who was had every intention of giving it to me because of how much that message means to me! Wow!!! I told them they should have sent me a text message and I wouldn't have continued to keep bidding against them. LOL! I am sure that now I have an enemy for sure in the deal with these results. Ugh. Regardless of my Silent Auction bidding experience, I am very glad for the results of the evening! Even though we could have done all that giving without that work. LOL!!! I was at a Fund Raiser the first week of January for a Mission Trip to Uganda and $16K was raised in Joshua, TX just by giving hearts who wanted to bless the efforts of God - no meal and no items, simply money. I was absolutely BLOWN away that this much money could be raised in less than two hours by such a small town! I truly was disappointed we didn't end the evening in prayer...I have learned how important prayer is, how effective it can be on our lives when we do it, different styles and ways to pray from participating in Bible Study Groups, and it truly would have been a great way to finalize the evening. I think that would have been an uplifting time to a song that closed the time in sadness, Softly and Tenderly, just didn't seem to be a piece that brought about an uplifting, rejoicing and message of hope to me...but again, it wasn't my picking, it was someone else's. This is just the observation that I had as I came away from the evening after seeing the family break down crying at this point because of the tone this song left in the air. I didn't stay long afterwards because I was so beat by staying up so late, much later than I physically can do...though I keep trying to do it, it kills me every time. I can't do it. I want to so disparately and keep trying to forge ahead, but the undeniable issues I deal with later are plain awful.
In the end, I know it was a great opportunity to let Manuel & Renee know how much they are loved!!!
For those of you that don't know, Manual has cancer. Kidney and Lung. He is set to go to MD Anderson this next week to see what options they might have for him. Please keep them in your prayers. This has been a tough journey, but they know they have the Lord with them by their side and that He will work this out according to His Will. We also know that the Lord hears and answers prayer and that we can make our requests known to Him and He will hear us! What a blessing that is.
Manual & Renee had all the people that were the closest to them sit at their table. Many of them were people who no longer meet with the Fort Worth Group of Christians, but who love them dearly and who are very much apart of and involved in their lives. I was grateful that Manual & Renee did this because it showed who truly are their friends. They didn't feel the need to have others at their table who they are not close to, only because they "still come to meetings". You might not understand, but in the situation with a lot of dynamics going on in this assembly, I think it was a needed message regardless of what is said by others.
There were lots and lots of small dollar stuff for the Silent Auction. As I walked around the room and viewed the items, I wasn't thinking we were going to have the results we did. I don't mean that in a mean way, I simply didn't see the high bids and wasn't sure we would raise very much, but in the end, it was a good result. We raised $5K from the dinner itself and $12K in Auction items. I am sure it was over $17K by the time everyone paid their dues because I know several paid more. I wasn't going to bid on anything because I have no real needs and have tons of things [truly more than one person needs in a house], however I then thought since I was going to donate some money anyways, if I found some neat items I could just give them as gifts. In the end, I bid on three items: a cream throw, a cute sign that said Amazing Grace with a flower on it, and a burlap pillow that had the word HOME written across it made by Charlotte Bishop. I was the highest bidder for the throw. I was bidding against two individuals for the Amazing Grace sign, and the price kept going up and up. One of the people who was bidding was very irritated with me for bidding it up. This person told me at one point to stay away, it was theirs. I laughed and said, I am not sure I am going to bid more, I need to think about it. In the end, I did. The person found me later and said I am going to slit your throat, I want that really bad, you are having way too much fun with this. I was bewildered. It is a Silent Auction. That means you can bid an item up if you want to and pay as much money for it if you want to. If they want it, they have to pay more then I am willing to pay. That is how it works. Why would you be so upset over something like this? It hurt. I wasn't doing this to make enemies...and if truth be told, when I initially saw their name on the bidding sheet, I thought it would make a nice birthday gift to them as what I wanted to do for their birthday never worked out with their schedule. However when the bidding got higher and higher and those things were said to me, it made me just want to keep it because it simply was a lovely item that I loved and really wanted in my house as I knew it would look perfect. In the end, I wasn't the highest bidder. However I learned that the person who was had every intention of giving it to me because of how much that message means to me! Wow!!! I told them they should have sent me a text message and I wouldn't have continued to keep bidding against them. LOL! I am sure that now I have an enemy for sure in the deal with these results. Ugh. Regardless of my Silent Auction bidding experience, I am very glad for the results of the evening! Even though we could have done all that giving without that work. LOL!!! I was at a Fund Raiser the first week of January for a Mission Trip to Uganda and $16K was raised in Joshua, TX just by giving hearts who wanted to bless the efforts of God - no meal and no items, simply money. I was absolutely BLOWN away that this much money could be raised in less than two hours by such a small town! I truly was disappointed we didn't end the evening in prayer...I have learned how important prayer is, how effective it can be on our lives when we do it, different styles and ways to pray from participating in Bible Study Groups, and it truly would have been a great way to finalize the evening. I think that would have been an uplifting time to a song that closed the time in sadness, Softly and Tenderly, just didn't seem to be a piece that brought about an uplifting, rejoicing and message of hope to me...but again, it wasn't my picking, it was someone else's. This is just the observation that I had as I came away from the evening after seeing the family break down crying at this point because of the tone this song left in the air. I didn't stay long afterwards because I was so beat by staying up so late, much later than I physically can do...though I keep trying to do it, it kills me every time. I can't do it. I want to so disparately and keep trying to forge ahead, but the undeniable issues I deal with later are plain awful.
In the end, I know it was a great opportunity to let Manuel & Renee know how much they are loved!!!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
psalm 9:10
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.
- Psalm 9:10
- Psalm 9:10
Monday, March 11, 2013
Quotes
Carry out a random act of kindness with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.
- Princess Diana
- Princess Diana
Saturday, March 9, 2013
repairs on car have been started...
The repairs on my car have been started. At this point, they believe that they can fix it and will proceed at doing so. The estimated repairs are at $6K at the moment with the value of the car approximately $15K. I learned that since the lady I hit has coverage with the same automobile insurance that I do, they waive the deductible. This is a $1K savings for me!!!
I was put in a White Chevrolet Captiva last Saturday and I went to Enterprise today to see if I could exchange it for a car. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice vehicle and I have enjoyed driving something different, but I wanted to save the $4.19 I am having to spend a day over the allowed amount my insurance covers in the daily rental, plus I have been spoiled with very good gas milage and this sports utility vehicle is costing money I am not used to spending on fuel! I filled up today and it was $65!!! Alas, they did not have a car available for me to trade out. Maybe if I had planned this earlier in the week it might have worked that way, but since I have been out of town and wanted to wait until I had gotten word on the repairs on my car, I didn't want to jump the gun too soon. In the end, they lowered the cost of the car and left me in what I am driving. So a partial win. See what happens when you ask?
I was put in a White Chevrolet Captiva last Saturday and I went to Enterprise today to see if I could exchange it for a car. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice vehicle and I have enjoyed driving something different, but I wanted to save the $4.19 I am having to spend a day over the allowed amount my insurance covers in the daily rental, plus I have been spoiled with very good gas milage and this sports utility vehicle is costing money I am not used to spending on fuel! I filled up today and it was $65!!! Alas, they did not have a car available for me to trade out. Maybe if I had planned this earlier in the week it might have worked that way, but since I have been out of town and wanted to wait until I had gotten word on the repairs on my car, I didn't want to jump the gun too soon. In the end, they lowered the cost of the car and left me in what I am driving. So a partial win. See what happens when you ask?
Friday, March 8, 2013
a response to my Appeal
I got home tonight about 9.30pm from my weekly business trip, with the feeling of having had a long week and really ready for it to end. I pulled into the garage, grabbed my suitcase, pillows, unlocked the door and came inside the house. I was locking the door to the garage when I thought to myself that I should go get the mail, but talked myself out of it because I just wanted to crawl in bed as I was flat out exhausted. Then I remembered I had a full day scheduled for Saturday and I better just go do it now or it might be Monday before I got to it.
After pulling out the mail from my locked mailbox slot, I flipped through the pieces and saw I had a piece from Humana, my Health Insurance Policy. I honestly felt my heart skip a beat with anticipation as to the fact that I had correspondence from them, in all likelihood with regards to determination on the Appeal I sent to them. I thought to myself, I am so tired and emotionally worn thin do I really want to read this tonight? I thought about waiting until the next day, but decided to be calm and open it, knowing that whatever it said would have to be dealt with one way or another. Either a third level appeal or potentially maybe some good news. After a string of challenges, several disappointments, feeling devastated with the fight, discouraged with life, exhausted beyond words...I wasn't sure I was ready for any more news like I have had lately, but I wasn't sure I could put the letter aside and not open it until later, so I opted to open it. The letter read "Here is the Decision on Your Inquiry" [This was a notice in response to my 2nd Level Appeal with regards to the denial to pay my surgery claims from my complete hysterectomy back on 10.09.2012.] The letter stated "Our members are important to us, and we appreciate your patience while this was was investigated. [I am thinking, yah, yah, yah...normally blah blah stuff, let's get to the pertinent stuff.] After a full and fair review of the information they have approved your request." [What? They actually listened to me??? Dear God, Thank You!!!] It went on to state "We approved coverage for services rendered to you on October 9, 2012, because of the additional information received with your appeal. The information was sent to Humana's Medical Director who confirmed the service you received were not related to the Exclusionary Rider on your policy for endometriosis."
Wow! I truly believed that God would work this out according to His plan, I trusted He knew what He was doing, but I honestly felt I probably was going to have to exhaust all options and complete all three levels of Appeals for me to get anywhere. My deductible was completely met before I had surgery, which means I should have $0 out of pocket expense for this operation. I knew that my patience, fervent prayers, my practical approach to the facts laid out in my Appeal, my bull dog approach (nickname given me by one of my clients which means stubbornly persistent), and my 17 years industry experience all were reasons that this ended up being ruled in my favor! This was some much needed good news during some really heavy times I have been facing!
I am crawling in bed tonight with tears and gratitude that my God is with me!!! He has known my hurt...my pain...my frustration... my sorrow...my needs...my feelings of being all alone...the impact of this financially...and He has been working a plan through all this. I never doubted Him...I simply have been VERY overwhelmed with the insurmountable amount of trials of late. No matter what happens next, I will still praise Him! He is MY God! And HE LOVES ME!!!
For those of you who have known about this issue and have prayed for me, fervently prayed for me and kept in touch with me on this situation to continue to pray on my behalf, I earnestly Thank You! Knowing I have prayer warriors out there who share my burdens is a deep encouragement and I say Thank You!
After pulling out the mail from my locked mailbox slot, I flipped through the pieces and saw I had a piece from Humana, my Health Insurance Policy. I honestly felt my heart skip a beat with anticipation as to the fact that I had correspondence from them, in all likelihood with regards to determination on the Appeal I sent to them. I thought to myself, I am so tired and emotionally worn thin do I really want to read this tonight? I thought about waiting until the next day, but decided to be calm and open it, knowing that whatever it said would have to be dealt with one way or another. Either a third level appeal or potentially maybe some good news. After a string of challenges, several disappointments, feeling devastated with the fight, discouraged with life, exhausted beyond words...I wasn't sure I was ready for any more news like I have had lately, but I wasn't sure I could put the letter aside and not open it until later, so I opted to open it. The letter read "Here is the Decision on Your Inquiry" [This was a notice in response to my 2nd Level Appeal with regards to the denial to pay my surgery claims from my complete hysterectomy back on 10.09.2012.] The letter stated "Our members are important to us, and we appreciate your patience while this was was investigated. [I am thinking, yah, yah, yah...normally blah blah stuff, let's get to the pertinent stuff.] After a full and fair review of the information they have approved your request." [What? They actually listened to me??? Dear God, Thank You!!!] It went on to state "We approved coverage for services rendered to you on October 9, 2012, because of the additional information received with your appeal. The information was sent to Humana's Medical Director who confirmed the service you received were not related to the Exclusionary Rider on your policy for endometriosis."
Wow! I truly believed that God would work this out according to His plan, I trusted He knew what He was doing, but I honestly felt I probably was going to have to exhaust all options and complete all three levels of Appeals for me to get anywhere. My deductible was completely met before I had surgery, which means I should have $0 out of pocket expense for this operation. I knew that my patience, fervent prayers, my practical approach to the facts laid out in my Appeal, my bull dog approach (nickname given me by one of my clients which means stubbornly persistent), and my 17 years industry experience all were reasons that this ended up being ruled in my favor! This was some much needed good news during some really heavy times I have been facing!
I am crawling in bed tonight with tears and gratitude that my God is with me!!! He has known my hurt...my pain...my frustration... my sorrow...my needs...my feelings of being all alone...the impact of this financially...and He has been working a plan through all this. I never doubted Him...I simply have been VERY overwhelmed with the insurmountable amount of trials of late. No matter what happens next, I will still praise Him! He is MY God! And HE LOVES ME!!!
For those of you who have known about this issue and have prayed for me, fervently prayed for me and kept in touch with me on this situation to continue to pray on my behalf, I earnestly Thank You! Knowing I have prayer warriors out there who share my burdens is a deep encouragement and I say Thank You!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
a little bit of sunshine...
 |
| flowers sent to me with the message: Dear Misty, We are praying for you! Just wanted to bring a little sunshine to your day! keep on dear one! Ps55:22NLT Hugs! Uncle Truman & Aunt Jess, Dustin & Lavina, Brady, Lacey & Mels. We Love You, Misty! |
a drive to nowhere?
sometimes it feels like a road to nowhere...yah, I am on one of those roads! but I know better...I just haven't found the sign yet to confirm it.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
car has arrived at the Auto Body Shop
Why can't people do their jobs? Why is it anymore that a person's word no longer means anything because they don't hold to it or back it up? You ask what am I referring to?
When I logged my claim for the auto accident I had on 03.01.2013, I was told a tow truck would be out within the hour. That didn't happen. In fact, a tow truck never showed up from my Insurance Carrier, even after I called back a second time and was told they would be there in 10 minutes. They called 3.25 hours later to see if I still had a need when I was 2 blocks from my house. I was told my vehicle would be taken first thing Monday morning to the Auto Body Shop. That didn't happen. When I called to check the status of things at 5.30pm yesterday, I was told by the Auto Body Shop that my car had never arrived. I called the wrecking yard and was told my car had never been picked up. I then called my Insurance Company to find out the status and why things were hung up. They initially told me that because I had not signed out the car they couldn't tow it. I told them that was not true as I had signed for it at 2pmCST on Sunday, March 3rd. I asked what else needed to be signed for. They then transferred me and I was put on hold for more research to be done. They came back and told me that she had called the towing company and that my car had already been towed. At this point, I lost it and went off on the lady. I asked her why she would lie to me. I told her that she didn't listen to one thing I had said in the line up of events. She then put me back on hold and called the wrecking yard and confirmed that yes my car had not been picked up yet. She then called the Auto Body Shop and said that they had an after hours lot that a vehicle could be dropped off at and so she would arrange for it to be towed ASAP.
I was frustrated. It seems that even though you pay money for service, nobody gives a rip about doing things right or as they say will happen. Nobody cares.
I learned this morning that they indeed towed my car last night but there was not an open gate to leave the vehicle and so they towed it back to Duncanville last night. It was retowed this morning after my adjuster got my email and contacted a supervisor to get the situation resolved.
The estimate will be generated today, after a complete assessment and they disassemble my car, which they should begin tomorrow. They will not know until then if it is repairable or totaled though they are thinking they can fix it. I will go by later today to sign paperwork.
When I logged my claim for the auto accident I had on 03.01.2013, I was told a tow truck would be out within the hour. That didn't happen. In fact, a tow truck never showed up from my Insurance Carrier, even after I called back a second time and was told they would be there in 10 minutes. They called 3.25 hours later to see if I still had a need when I was 2 blocks from my house. I was told my vehicle would be taken first thing Monday morning to the Auto Body Shop. That didn't happen. When I called to check the status of things at 5.30pm yesterday, I was told by the Auto Body Shop that my car had never arrived. I called the wrecking yard and was told my car had never been picked up. I then called my Insurance Company to find out the status and why things were hung up. They initially told me that because I had not signed out the car they couldn't tow it. I told them that was not true as I had signed for it at 2pmCST on Sunday, March 3rd. I asked what else needed to be signed for. They then transferred me and I was put on hold for more research to be done. They came back and told me that she had called the towing company and that my car had already been towed. At this point, I lost it and went off on the lady. I asked her why she would lie to me. I told her that she didn't listen to one thing I had said in the line up of events. She then put me back on hold and called the wrecking yard and confirmed that yes my car had not been picked up yet. She then called the Auto Body Shop and said that they had an after hours lot that a vehicle could be dropped off at and so she would arrange for it to be towed ASAP.
I was frustrated. It seems that even though you pay money for service, nobody gives a rip about doing things right or as they say will happen. Nobody cares.
I learned this morning that they indeed towed my car last night but there was not an open gate to leave the vehicle and so they towed it back to Duncanville last night. It was retowed this morning after my adjuster got my email and contacted a supervisor to get the situation resolved.
The estimate will be generated today, after a complete assessment and they disassemble my car, which they should begin tomorrow. They will not know until then if it is repairable or totaled though they are thinking they can fix it. I will go by later today to sign paperwork.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Bible Study 03.03.2013
Not everyone was able to make the Bible Study tonight, so we did not proceed with our typical study as there were only 5 of us there. So we ended up doing a different format. We stood around in the kitchen and discussed a few things:
- How would you convey to someone that God is a loving God and truly cares when all they have seen is pain and heartache and they don't believe a real God would allow suffering?
- What does Romans 8:28 mean when it says all things work together for good?
- And we discussed the trying of your faith brings forth patience. James 1:3 and and Romans 5:3 & 4
How would you convey to someone that God is a loving God and truly cares?
a call from Mom
I received a call from my Mom today as I was en route to the wrecker site to sign paperwork to have my car towed tomorrow to the auto body shop. I debated about whether to answer it. The calls normally come through without the phone number listed as Private Number. Today it came through with the phone number listed and I knew it was hers even though she is not in my phone. So why would I debate? Because I couldn't think of a reason she would be calling me and I wasn't sure we needed to have a conversation. Everything she has relayed to others about me of late is full of anger and hatred, so why would I want to talk to someone like that? She didn't call me to let me know that Dad had passed and canceled the Memorial when she learned I was coming. Pretty simple. That is why I debated. In the end, I decided to answer and move forward.
She let me know she was sorry that I had had a wreck. [I wondered who had told her this information.] I replied that I was sorry too. She then said "Honey, if you are willing to work with me I am willing to work with you. If you need to come home, you can. You can rent from me or whatever you need to do." [Excuse me? You will work with me if I work with you??? What type of a deal is this? I have had a wreck and you think that means I need to come to live with you??? You think that is home to me?] I took a deep breath, and said, "Thanks Mom, but I don't think that will be necessary." She then went on to say that she was glad that I came to the Memorial. I responded "I am very glad I came too Mom. I am very Thankful for ALL Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna did for the event. They truly went out of their way and I appreciate their efforts." She said, "Yah, me too." She then said, "Please be in prayer for me honey about selling the house and all that is going to have to be done with the help of Truman and others. I don't know how I am going to do all this or what decisions I am going to have to make, so please pray for me." I said "I will continue to pray for you Mom." And we hung up.
The situation is absolutely laughable. She obviously is feeling lonely and needing to control someone and so she is trying to make up a situation so that she can do just that. My Mom's house is not home to me. Just because my car was in a wreck and may or may not be repairable, doesn't mean that I need to move anywhere, let alone in with my Mom. I have been gone 15.5 years and taken care of every need I have had. Mom has nothing to offer me.
Wow.
She let me know she was sorry that I had had a wreck. [I wondered who had told her this information.] I replied that I was sorry too. She then said "Honey, if you are willing to work with me I am willing to work with you. If you need to come home, you can. You can rent from me or whatever you need to do." [Excuse me? You will work with me if I work with you??? What type of a deal is this? I have had a wreck and you think that means I need to come to live with you??? You think that is home to me?] I took a deep breath, and said, "Thanks Mom, but I don't think that will be necessary." She then went on to say that she was glad that I came to the Memorial. I responded "I am very glad I came too Mom. I am very Thankful for ALL Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna did for the event. They truly went out of their way and I appreciate their efforts." She said, "Yah, me too." She then said, "Please be in prayer for me honey about selling the house and all that is going to have to be done with the help of Truman and others. I don't know how I am going to do all this or what decisions I am going to have to make, so please pray for me." I said "I will continue to pray for you Mom." And we hung up.
The situation is absolutely laughable. She obviously is feeling lonely and needing to control someone and so she is trying to make up a situation so that she can do just that. My Mom's house is not home to me. Just because my car was in a wreck and may or may not be repairable, doesn't mean that I need to move anywhere, let alone in with my Mom. I have been gone 15.5 years and taken care of every need I have had. Mom has nothing to offer me.
Wow.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
continued thanks...
Continuing to THANK God for being with me yesterday in spite of a major event on an already rough day, 11 days since Granma Omi passed away, which was 11 days since my Dad passed away. I don't understand all the events and things that keep happening, but I am beyond grateful nobody was injured (me or 3 people in the vehicle I rear ended)!!! I am beyond blessed for meeting a lady of faith that told me that I was forgiven before this ever happened...she has no clue what impact she... had on me during that moment. I am privileged to have wonderful friends who care and check in on me.
I am fine...just very much emotionally and physically drained by the events for the last 7-8 weeks. I don't understand God's plan, but I have faith He has one and that it is going according to His will. Even in this, I will praise Him!
I am fine...just very much emotionally and physically drained by the events for the last 7-8 weeks. I don't understand God's plan, but I have faith He has one and that it is going according to His will. Even in this, I will praise Him!
Friday, March 1, 2013
an Auto Accident on the way home from a clients office
Today was one of those really rough days...ones when you feel nothing is going right. It started by a text message from an employee of a client's office asking when I was to be onsite as the Phone Service Technician was already at the office, though nobody had informed me of the time they were going to arrive and I typically don't arrive before 9am unless I have something scheduled and/or didn't work late the night before. I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that I was deeply frustrated. My neck was killing me. I wanted to scream I was in so much pain. I had taken pain medicine and let the hot water from the shower try to massage my neck, but the tense pain was there. My client needed me to stay a third day, which meant that I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment I had scheduled. On top of this, I had a few more changes that needed to be done to the voicemail script before we launched into that project, and since he was already there, I knew that was going to crimp getting it done. I hurried as fast as I could but the reality is, I had just gotten up a few minutes prior to the text message and knew there was no way that I would make it to the office before 9am by the time I checked out of the hotel and attempted to get some coffee and breakfast. I checked out of the hotel, grabbed a package of oatmeal and a paper cup and spoon, went through the McDonald's Drive Thru to get a large French Vanilla Latte and a yogurt parfait and rushed to the clinic. In reality, I am not sure why I did all this because I never got to eat any of it!
When I arrived at the office, the guy was keenly perturbed with me. I apologized, but it seemed to do no good. This did nothing to life my spirits. When I couldn't locate the information he was looking for in a locked file cabinet that I had keys to, his frustration with me seemed to increase. When I requested things he said couldn't be done and told him that I knew they could as I had worked with Avaya Messaging systems at other practices, he got immensely irritated with me. I told him that I was sorry, I simply was trying to carry out my clients wishes and get things resolved. He didn't care. In the midst of working on this, the new locum provider that started two days previously couldn't get the EMR system to take her password so she could sign off on a note and send the prescription on a patient. I needed the assistance of my client who was off for the day. In trying to trouble shoot that, a call came in from one of the guys from the IT Department we work with needing my assistance on a project. In the midst of that, our Attorney called regarding an issue we are working on with a Wage Claim Report filed by an Ex-Employee. And if that wasn't enough, I had someone come in my office wanting to talk to me. Overload? Yes, beyond words. This was just the first 30 minutes of my day. Without going into all the details, let me tell you that this is how it was the rest of the day proceeded. I thought I would get to eat a bite after my lunch meeting from 1-2pmCST and before 3pmCST when AFLAC representatives were supposed to arrive. However, they arrived early. While in the middle of working with two AFLAC account representatives in my office, one of the providers came up and barged in my office and said that we needed to call CPS right now on a patient. Everything else went on hold and I launched into that. When 5pmCST rolled around and the staff were leaving, believe me, when I say that I was more than ready to exit right with them! I am typically one who presses on no matter the situation, even against all odds, when most people would give up, I dig in my heels and become stubborn and hence get the nick name for being a bull dog. I didn't feel that today. No breakfast. No lunch. Neck pain screaming to kill me. Problems with every single item on the agenda. Resolutions not coming through even though I was trying disparately to get them done. I was left completely and utterly exhausted. Ready to just crawl in bed, my own bed, as living out of a suitcase and traveling and staying in bed/hotels for days on end the last two weeks that were not my own were catching up with me. My fuse was short. I wanted to have quiet and sleep...even if that meant I still had pain, I needed quiet. I needed alone time with God.
I left earlier than I typically do from this clients office, a little bit before 6.30pmCST. The drive home is on average an hour and 15 minutes, but can take and hour and 30 minutes. I knew on a Friday night at this time of day, I was looking at a full 90 minute drive if not longer. I took 175 north to I20 and headed West. There was traffic. Lots of traffic as I expected to have since it was Friday night and I typically wasn't on the road at that hour and therefore knew I would spend a fair amount of time not flying down the highway but in stop and go mess. I was in the fast lane and had come to a screeching halt several times with the lanes beside me continuing to roll on by. Each time I stopped, I would respond to text messages through my voice response option on the text messaging screen. I had just finished a response and laid the phone on the shotgun seat when we took off again...but not for long. We were going to be stopped shortly again. After having done this several times and noticing a pattern in the traffic, I figured there probably was a wreck in the fast lane and I decided I would change lanes to avoid it. I have been dealing with severe neck pain this week from all my travels, late nights and stress of several events compiling up. I had to strain to look over my right shoulder to move into the right lane, but it wasn't clear and so I realized I wasn't going to be able to do that. I looked back to the car in front of me and realized it was stopped more than I thought it was and I clearly was headed straight for the rear end head on and unless I did some quick magic, I was going to hit it. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could and tried to let up and press again even harder to decrease the impact. Very little seemed to be achieved by all this. There was lots of crunching. Lots of smoke. Lots of burnt smell. Utter devastation set in that I had caused a wreck and my car was ruined. I just sat there, shaking all over. I couldn't seem to think...couldn't seem to move and then suddenly I felt like I needed to hurry and get out of the vehicle fast. The smell and smoke was getting worse. My cell phone had slid onto the shotgun seat floor, I tried to grab it but my seat belt wouldn't let me move. I unbuckled, grabbed my phone and started to hop out of the car. As I did this, I thought better of that and grabbed my purse also and tried to quickly move and get out. It was difficult as the drivers side door didn't want to open all the way, I had to force it to squeeze my body out. I rushed to the car I hit and saw there were 3 passengers inside. The driver rolled down her window as I approached and I immediately apologized and asked if everyone was okay. I asked again if everyone was okay. They nodded. The passengers in the shotgun seat I could tell was greatly perturbed with me, but they all were calm and were not ugly to me. The driver was particularly kind. She got out and said we needed to look things over. She saw that my car was very well damaged on the front end had come up right under her bumper. I asked her if she felt she could move over the shoulder on the left so we could get out of the way of traffic. She wasn't sure if I would be able to move as my car was spewing a bunch of liquid on the ground, but I told her I was going to try, I had nothing to loose at this point. The problem was by this time, traffic was going around us on the shoulder which was preventing us from moving out of the way. I decided to step into that lane and put my hand up and instruct people to go right around my vehicle. It took a bit to get the cars to pay attention and quit just following the leader and change their path. After a bit, a few cars started following heed and then everyone was following them, I quickly jumped in my car and moved over onto the shoulder. There was lots of deb re in the lane. I waited to get traffic to slow down again so that I could go into that lane and move all the big pieces out of the way. I then went back and exchanged information with the lady who was sitting back in her car. I got her name, her phone number, her email address, her insurance, the name and phone number of her two passengers...my handwriting being very much scribbles due to my shaky hands. I asked again if everyone was okay and to let me know later if that changed. I was still shaking all over. I couldn't get the shakes to stop. I then went to take pictures of her vehicle and mine. She got out of her car again and told me she was worried about leaving me. I told her not to worry about me, I would be fine. She said but you are still shaking, I can tell. I said, yes, I am, I have never hit another vehicle like this...you have no idea how I am feeling. She said, believe me, it is just a car, we are all fine. I reached out and hugged her and told her thanks for being so sweet. She put her hand on my shoulders and said "you were forgiven before this ever happened, I promise it is all good". Wow! To have the fortitude to say that in this moment, she has no clue what an impact she made on me!!! She has now clue how I daily, hourly beat myself up. I always feel like a failure, no matter my results. I always feel like I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try. If she only knew...but you know what God knew! God knew I needed her. God knew what needed to be said to me. She said that everyone in the car had voted to not wait for the police and they were going to head on. I told her I understood. I told her not to worry about me, I would make some calls and get help, as I wasn't going anywhere. My car wasn't drive-able.
I placed a call to my Auto Insurance Carrier, Safeco, and filed a claim. They setup a Rental Car Reservation for me with Enterprise in Burleson and scheduled a Tow Truck to come out. I then made calls to see who could come and get me. I had lots of client files in my car, my suitcase, my pillows, and my clothes as I had been on a 3 day business trip and I wasn't sure a wrecker would let me take all that with me wherever they were going to drop off my car. After getting all that aligned up and waiting for almost 90 minutes, I called my Insurance back to check status of the wrecker service. They said they were running behind and that they would be out in another 10 minutes. Whatever, I didn't believe them. My flashers were still on, but my battery was getting dim, and I was very tired, cold and needed to use the bathroom badly. At this moment, the day was really starting to mount up against me. I was starting to feel very much as if life was harder than I ever dreamed...and yet at the same time I had a peace knowing it was not being controlled by me. I wasn't sure how long my battery would last and the flashers would still be flashing to alert traffic. I was getting cold, very cold. The wind was howling and it was dark. I just sat there and waited. And waited. And waited some more. I felt all alone. But I knew in reality, I wasn't. I had friends praying for me...one who even called to pray over the phone with me in the moment. Friends calling and texting to check on me. I had angels all around me. I had God watching over me. My vehicle battery was dying, my cell phone battery was dying, my day had ended in a not so pleasant way, but God was still in control. He sent the Courtesy Patrol along who pulled up right behind me to inspect a report of an unattended vehicle on the side of the road. He found me inside, but I couldn't get the window to roll down or the car door to unlock due to the power locks and a battery almost dead. I tried and tried and tried and finally got it down. He asked me some questions and learned of the situation and how long I had been sitting there and said he would get a deputy out right away. A few minutes later, Aunt Connie arrived. I handed her everything through the drivers side window since there was no way to get the door opened. Once everything was out of my car, I pulled myself out through the window. Aunt Connie was worried that I would be able to do this in the wind and cold and dark. I told her she forgot I knew how to do this, this is how you get in and out of a Race Car or Dune Buggy! LOL!!! Within 15 minutes a deputy arrived, Deputy Cloud 968 who was very kind and helpful and gave me advice on the situation. He also took all my information and ran the ladies license plate and all information came up correct to what I had. Within another 15 minutes a tow truck was out and had my car loaded up. Aunt Connie and I headed to the next exit at 09.30pmCST so that I could make a pit stop before the hour drive home. We were three blocks from my house when the wrecker service my Auto Insurance Carrier had contacted to come assist me, called me to see if I still needed assistance. I was flabbergasted. I let them know I didn't because that was 3.25 hours ago that call was made and the deputy had gotten someone out in 15 minutes! Wow...if I had not had the Courtesy Patrol Car show up...would I have still been sitting there? waiting???
Though this day one year ago was an exciting day because I paid off my car...it wasn't such an exciting day today because I had my first wreck in the car, potentially may have totaled my car with all the damage that was done and repairs that will need to take place not just on the body work, but the engine.
I am requesting your prayers...please continue to pray for me! The last few weeks have been very challenging. I don't feel in the frame of mind to roll with all that is coming my way in "waves like sea billows roll" as the song says. I am stretched thin on time and finances at the moment with being gone to California two weekends in a row, 5 days and then 4 days, along with a surgery bill looming over my head and now potentially another car payment on the books, I feel like I am in debt and behind once again. I know God will take care of me...I just don't understand why He feels I am so strong to handle all this right now. I can't help but question what God has in mind. Do I not have enough faith? Am I not trusting Him to provide for me? Why me? Why now? What am I supposed to learn? Maybe in time I will know. Maybe in time it will make sense. For now, I ask for strength and patience to ride out my trials.
When I arrived at the office, the guy was keenly perturbed with me. I apologized, but it seemed to do no good. This did nothing to life my spirits. When I couldn't locate the information he was looking for in a locked file cabinet that I had keys to, his frustration with me seemed to increase. When I requested things he said couldn't be done and told him that I knew they could as I had worked with Avaya Messaging systems at other practices, he got immensely irritated with me. I told him that I was sorry, I simply was trying to carry out my clients wishes and get things resolved. He didn't care. In the midst of working on this, the new locum provider that started two days previously couldn't get the EMR system to take her password so she could sign off on a note and send the prescription on a patient. I needed the assistance of my client who was off for the day. In trying to trouble shoot that, a call came in from one of the guys from the IT Department we work with needing my assistance on a project. In the midst of that, our Attorney called regarding an issue we are working on with a Wage Claim Report filed by an Ex-Employee. And if that wasn't enough, I had someone come in my office wanting to talk to me. Overload? Yes, beyond words. This was just the first 30 minutes of my day. Without going into all the details, let me tell you that this is how it was the rest of the day proceeded. I thought I would get to eat a bite after my lunch meeting from 1-2pmCST and before 3pmCST when AFLAC representatives were supposed to arrive. However, they arrived early. While in the middle of working with two AFLAC account representatives in my office, one of the providers came up and barged in my office and said that we needed to call CPS right now on a patient. Everything else went on hold and I launched into that. When 5pmCST rolled around and the staff were leaving, believe me, when I say that I was more than ready to exit right with them! I am typically one who presses on no matter the situation, even against all odds, when most people would give up, I dig in my heels and become stubborn and hence get the nick name for being a bull dog. I didn't feel that today. No breakfast. No lunch. Neck pain screaming to kill me. Problems with every single item on the agenda. Resolutions not coming through even though I was trying disparately to get them done. I was left completely and utterly exhausted. Ready to just crawl in bed, my own bed, as living out of a suitcase and traveling and staying in bed/hotels for days on end the last two weeks that were not my own were catching up with me. My fuse was short. I wanted to have quiet and sleep...even if that meant I still had pain, I needed quiet. I needed alone time with God.
I left earlier than I typically do from this clients office, a little bit before 6.30pmCST. The drive home is on average an hour and 15 minutes, but can take and hour and 30 minutes. I knew on a Friday night at this time of day, I was looking at a full 90 minute drive if not longer. I took 175 north to I20 and headed West. There was traffic. Lots of traffic as I expected to have since it was Friday night and I typically wasn't on the road at that hour and therefore knew I would spend a fair amount of time not flying down the highway but in stop and go mess. I was in the fast lane and had come to a screeching halt several times with the lanes beside me continuing to roll on by. Each time I stopped, I would respond to text messages through my voice response option on the text messaging screen. I had just finished a response and laid the phone on the shotgun seat when we took off again...but not for long. We were going to be stopped shortly again. After having done this several times and noticing a pattern in the traffic, I figured there probably was a wreck in the fast lane and I decided I would change lanes to avoid it. I have been dealing with severe neck pain this week from all my travels, late nights and stress of several events compiling up. I had to strain to look over my right shoulder to move into the right lane, but it wasn't clear and so I realized I wasn't going to be able to do that. I looked back to the car in front of me and realized it was stopped more than I thought it was and I clearly was headed straight for the rear end head on and unless I did some quick magic, I was going to hit it. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could and tried to let up and press again even harder to decrease the impact. Very little seemed to be achieved by all this. There was lots of crunching. Lots of smoke. Lots of burnt smell. Utter devastation set in that I had caused a wreck and my car was ruined. I just sat there, shaking all over. I couldn't seem to think...couldn't seem to move and then suddenly I felt like I needed to hurry and get out of the vehicle fast. The smell and smoke was getting worse. My cell phone had slid onto the shotgun seat floor, I tried to grab it but my seat belt wouldn't let me move. I unbuckled, grabbed my phone and started to hop out of the car. As I did this, I thought better of that and grabbed my purse also and tried to quickly move and get out. It was difficult as the drivers side door didn't want to open all the way, I had to force it to squeeze my body out. I rushed to the car I hit and saw there were 3 passengers inside. The driver rolled down her window as I approached and I immediately apologized and asked if everyone was okay. I asked again if everyone was okay. They nodded. The passengers in the shotgun seat I could tell was greatly perturbed with me, but they all were calm and were not ugly to me. The driver was particularly kind. She got out and said we needed to look things over. She saw that my car was very well damaged on the front end had come up right under her bumper. I asked her if she felt she could move over the shoulder on the left so we could get out of the way of traffic. She wasn't sure if I would be able to move as my car was spewing a bunch of liquid on the ground, but I told her I was going to try, I had nothing to loose at this point. The problem was by this time, traffic was going around us on the shoulder which was preventing us from moving out of the way. I decided to step into that lane and put my hand up and instruct people to go right around my vehicle. It took a bit to get the cars to pay attention and quit just following the leader and change their path. After a bit, a few cars started following heed and then everyone was following them, I quickly jumped in my car and moved over onto the shoulder. There was lots of deb re in the lane. I waited to get traffic to slow down again so that I could go into that lane and move all the big pieces out of the way. I then went back and exchanged information with the lady who was sitting back in her car. I got her name, her phone number, her email address, her insurance, the name and phone number of her two passengers...my handwriting being very much scribbles due to my shaky hands. I asked again if everyone was okay and to let me know later if that changed. I was still shaking all over. I couldn't get the shakes to stop. I then went to take pictures of her vehicle and mine. She got out of her car again and told me she was worried about leaving me. I told her not to worry about me, I would be fine. She said but you are still shaking, I can tell. I said, yes, I am, I have never hit another vehicle like this...you have no idea how I am feeling. She said, believe me, it is just a car, we are all fine. I reached out and hugged her and told her thanks for being so sweet. She put her hand on my shoulders and said "you were forgiven before this ever happened, I promise it is all good". Wow! To have the fortitude to say that in this moment, she has no clue what an impact she made on me!!! She has now clue how I daily, hourly beat myself up. I always feel like a failure, no matter my results. I always feel like I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try. If she only knew...but you know what God knew! God knew I needed her. God knew what needed to be said to me. She said that everyone in the car had voted to not wait for the police and they were going to head on. I told her I understood. I told her not to worry about me, I would make some calls and get help, as I wasn't going anywhere. My car wasn't drive-able.
I placed a call to my Auto Insurance Carrier, Safeco, and filed a claim. They setup a Rental Car Reservation for me with Enterprise in Burleson and scheduled a Tow Truck to come out. I then made calls to see who could come and get me. I had lots of client files in my car, my suitcase, my pillows, and my clothes as I had been on a 3 day business trip and I wasn't sure a wrecker would let me take all that with me wherever they were going to drop off my car. After getting all that aligned up and waiting for almost 90 minutes, I called my Insurance back to check status of the wrecker service. They said they were running behind and that they would be out in another 10 minutes. Whatever, I didn't believe them. My flashers were still on, but my battery was getting dim, and I was very tired, cold and needed to use the bathroom badly. At this moment, the day was really starting to mount up against me. I was starting to feel very much as if life was harder than I ever dreamed...and yet at the same time I had a peace knowing it was not being controlled by me. I wasn't sure how long my battery would last and the flashers would still be flashing to alert traffic. I was getting cold, very cold. The wind was howling and it was dark. I just sat there and waited. And waited. And waited some more. I felt all alone. But I knew in reality, I wasn't. I had friends praying for me...one who even called to pray over the phone with me in the moment. Friends calling and texting to check on me. I had angels all around me. I had God watching over me. My vehicle battery was dying, my cell phone battery was dying, my day had ended in a not so pleasant way, but God was still in control. He sent the Courtesy Patrol along who pulled up right behind me to inspect a report of an unattended vehicle on the side of the road. He found me inside, but I couldn't get the window to roll down or the car door to unlock due to the power locks and a battery almost dead. I tried and tried and tried and finally got it down. He asked me some questions and learned of the situation and how long I had been sitting there and said he would get a deputy out right away. A few minutes later, Aunt Connie arrived. I handed her everything through the drivers side window since there was no way to get the door opened. Once everything was out of my car, I pulled myself out through the window. Aunt Connie was worried that I would be able to do this in the wind and cold and dark. I told her she forgot I knew how to do this, this is how you get in and out of a Race Car or Dune Buggy! LOL!!! Within 15 minutes a deputy arrived, Deputy Cloud 968 who was very kind and helpful and gave me advice on the situation. He also took all my information and ran the ladies license plate and all information came up correct to what I had. Within another 15 minutes a tow truck was out and had my car loaded up. Aunt Connie and I headed to the next exit at 09.30pmCST so that I could make a pit stop before the hour drive home. We were three blocks from my house when the wrecker service my Auto Insurance Carrier had contacted to come assist me, called me to see if I still needed assistance. I was flabbergasted. I let them know I didn't because that was 3.25 hours ago that call was made and the deputy had gotten someone out in 15 minutes! Wow...if I had not had the Courtesy Patrol Car show up...would I have still been sitting there? waiting???
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| The Front End damage to my car [pictures don't do it justice to the angle and pushed in effect on the engine and parts] |
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| Another head on view of the damage, again, doesn't do it justice as seen in person |
I am requesting your prayers...please continue to pray for me! The last few weeks have been very challenging. I don't feel in the frame of mind to roll with all that is coming my way in "waves like sea billows roll" as the song says. I am stretched thin on time and finances at the moment with being gone to California two weekends in a row, 5 days and then 4 days, along with a surgery bill looming over my head and now potentially another car payment on the books, I feel like I am in debt and behind once again. I know God will take care of me...I just don't understand why He feels I am so strong to handle all this right now. I can't help but question what God has in mind. Do I not have enough faith? Am I not trusting Him to provide for me? Why me? Why now? What am I supposed to learn? Maybe in time I will know. Maybe in time it will make sense. For now, I ask for strength and patience to ride out my trials.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
please be patient with me
Dear Fellow Blogger Followers and Friends, I have much yet to write about, and the posts will come, even if back dated, once I can spend some time and share my travels and what is going on. I will return soon...
Monday, February 25, 2013
siblings reconnect
I have not seen Mindy [aka Lola] in 8 years, nearly 9 years this upcoming summer.
I have not seen Terry in 2 years. He left Texas November 2010.
When I knew that I would be seeing them both at the Memorial for Dad, I had much apprehension. Not that I don't love my siblings, I do. A bunch. I simply wasn't sure how things would go with the 3 of us together. The 3 of us had not been together since 1997. Terry feels the need to be the go between between the two of us. Mindy tries very hard to persuade Terry and at times can pit him between us. All this on top of her attitude towards me the last 2+ years created anxious feelings in me. I don't want to intrude on her life. I want to give her space to be her. I likewise want the space given to me to be me. Additionally, I need respect just as much as she wants respect.
As you know though from my previous posts, things went really well at the Memorial. On Saturday, I texted Mindy to let her know that I was glad she was able to make it and that it was good to see her. She responded. I wrote back. She responded. Thus we spent nearly two hours texting. You probably are asking why I didn't just pick up the phone and call her. She said she doesn't talk on the phone. So, I took the opportunity I was given and used it. This I would not have imagined would have come out of the time. By me being kind to her and gentle in spite of her treatment to me, she was responding. She said she thought it would be nice if the 3 of us could do something while we were out in California. I let her know that I had plans on Sunday, but if she wanted to meet up on Monday, I could do so. We agreed to meet on Monday Morning for breakfast.
When Monday Morning rolled around, I texted them both when I was on my way as I had an hour drive from Crystal's place in Redlands. I got to the restaurant before they arrived [they ended up being 30 minutes late]. I had enough time to spend some time alone. Quiet time alone in prayer. Prayer that the time be one that would help heal hurts in these two peoples lives. Prayer that God would give me the words to say or not to say. Prayer that Mindy would not be angry with me. Prayer that I could show God's love. Prayer that they would know in the end that I love them both. Truly love them.
When they arrived, Mindy initially was cold and stilted. I had picked a booth by the door because I figured they wouldn't want to be sandwiched between everyone else as it was noisy. She detested being by the door and said so. I said that wasn't a problem, we can move somewhere else. She picked the spot and we moved. When we sat down, she was visibly nervous and anxious. She was wearing a long sleeve light weight t-shirt that was a V-Neck to the middle of her chest and she was not wearing underclothes. Her skin looked old. She had lots of wrinkles and other skin issues. She looked tired and sad. She asked where I had parked. I mentioned I had parked on the other side of the building as the parking out front was limited to a 2 hour window. She quickly and rudely said, we will not be here that long. I said, that's no problem, I just didn't want to have to move in the event we were and felt it was better to find another spot. I decided to let her talk and if she asked questions, I would answer. If she brought up something that I could inquire more about, I would. I let her direct conversation. We talked about numerous things. She got very irate again about the fact that nobody had called her about Granma Omi's death. I let her know that I was sorry, if I had had her number I would have called her. She got furious that Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna or Carrie or Trisha didn't call her. I told her that they had a lot on their plate and that this was a very tough time for them. She argued that Granma was like a Mom to her. She said nobody has too much that they can't make a quick call. [She obviously either is not been through experiences that have forced time limitations on her or she is simply being short sighted or selfish.] I tried as much as I could to calmly satisfy her that I am sure they would have if they could have. She went on and vented. I let her. I did not respond. She eventually moved onto other topics. I learned that she doesn't eat much at all. She lives on caffeine. Her hair is falling out and she is petrified as to what is wrong but doesn't have money to go to the doctor nor does she feel she can afford to let them take blood because she "needs every drop she has". She said "Terry said you were out here last weekend, why?". I informed her that I had come out to see Uncle Truman & Aunt Jessica and go on a Dune Buggy Trip to the Dumont Sand Dunes with them. She asked who was there. I listed the people. She cut me off and said, "Excuse me, why were all those people there? Not all of them come to meetings." I said, "No Mindy they don't." She replied, "I don't understand. For all the years I was in The Group that was not allowed or tolerated." I responded, "A lot of things have changed Mindy." She was very harsh and skeptical, "What do you mean lots of things have changed? Explain exactly what you mean by that." I drew a deep breath. I screamed a silent desperate prayer, God! Give me. Please. Please give me wisdom. "Mindy, there have been many changes. To explain them all to you would take a lot of time. Much of it would not make sense to you since you have been gone for 8 years. There are lots of details, situations, events and thoughts that though I would be glad to tell you, it simply would take a lot of time to explain things." She argued back, "But it wasn't like that when I was in the group." To which I simply said, "I know." She looked at me like I can't believe you are not going to answer my question. Then she accepted it and dropped it and moved on to other topics. I honestly thanked God. This was hard. To try to explain this to someone who no longer believes in God would be truly the unexplainable. There was no way I could. Not a chance.
This manner is the way I purposely answered and continued the conversation with her. It was not a time to resolve all problems. Problems in our childhood. Problems with the Christians we know and love and have met with our entire life. Problems with relatives. Problems with our parents. Problems with my brother. It was a time to spend getting reconnected and maybe closing a bit of a gap that has been there. This was my purpose. This was my aim. I was going to strive for it with all I had in me.
During one of the times Mindy was talking, her eyes caught something behind me and she abruptly stopped. Her eyes were fixed on this item, her facial expressions showed whatever it was she saw was creating a response emotionally in her. The reflections of her feelings could not be hid from her face. They showed a puzzlement. Then acknowledgement and understanding. Then a tears welded up in her eyes. Then just as quickly a clear I can't do this, I am not going there, I won't give in settled in. She then told Terry, "Terry, they changed the message on the board from what it said yesterday. I think I liked what it said yesterday better. But anyways"...and she went on with her topic of conversation.
I was curious what she had seen. I turned my head to read it and saw this:
I got shivers up and down my spine, up and down my arms. I was thrilled. This was what I call a "Total God Moment". He planned this. He knew she needed to read this. It was meant just for her. Before we left the restaurant, I took a picture of it. Terry was clearly annoyed with me. Mindy thought me crazy. I knew it was going on my blog. I told them I wanted it for Memories.
She had Terry go to the car to get a little photo album of Mom & Dad's Wedding that was at the Memorial that Aunt Donna had brought from Granma Omi's house and that Mom had given to her. She let me pick a few photos of Mom & Dad's Wedding to have. This was a miracle because normally Mindy would have been gleeful that she got something I didn't and wouldn't have cared if I got anything. She wanted me to take more photos, but I only took 4. I told her I didn't need or want a bunch, I simply wanted one or two to have of my parents and the wedding party.
I left with my heart soaring...God's message of LOVE was written out for her to see. It depicted feelings in her she could not hide. God accomplished a small seed. What will happen from here, only God knows, but I know this...He is God! My God, and He was apart of our time!!!
From there we went to Starbucks to get some caffeine, got gas in her vehicle and I filled up Crystal's, and then we went to Terry's place so I could see where he lived. I got a tour and then we took photos and then I needed to leave to get back to Crystal's to have enough time to head to Ontario Airport. In the end, we spent 3 hours together...more than the 2 she said we would.
I have not seen Terry in 2 years. He left Texas November 2010.
When I knew that I would be seeing them both at the Memorial for Dad, I had much apprehension. Not that I don't love my siblings, I do. A bunch. I simply wasn't sure how things would go with the 3 of us together. The 3 of us had not been together since 1997. Terry feels the need to be the go between between the two of us. Mindy tries very hard to persuade Terry and at times can pit him between us. All this on top of her attitude towards me the last 2+ years created anxious feelings in me. I don't want to intrude on her life. I want to give her space to be her. I likewise want the space given to me to be me. Additionally, I need respect just as much as she wants respect.
As you know though from my previous posts, things went really well at the Memorial. On Saturday, I texted Mindy to let her know that I was glad she was able to make it and that it was good to see her. She responded. I wrote back. She responded. Thus we spent nearly two hours texting. You probably are asking why I didn't just pick up the phone and call her. She said she doesn't talk on the phone. So, I took the opportunity I was given and used it. This I would not have imagined would have come out of the time. By me being kind to her and gentle in spite of her treatment to me, she was responding. She said she thought it would be nice if the 3 of us could do something while we were out in California. I let her know that I had plans on Sunday, but if she wanted to meet up on Monday, I could do so. We agreed to meet on Monday Morning for breakfast.
When Monday Morning rolled around, I texted them both when I was on my way as I had an hour drive from Crystal's place in Redlands. I got to the restaurant before they arrived [they ended up being 30 minutes late]. I had enough time to spend some time alone. Quiet time alone in prayer. Prayer that the time be one that would help heal hurts in these two peoples lives. Prayer that God would give me the words to say or not to say. Prayer that Mindy would not be angry with me. Prayer that I could show God's love. Prayer that they would know in the end that I love them both. Truly love them.
When they arrived, Mindy initially was cold and stilted. I had picked a booth by the door because I figured they wouldn't want to be sandwiched between everyone else as it was noisy. She detested being by the door and said so. I said that wasn't a problem, we can move somewhere else. She picked the spot and we moved. When we sat down, she was visibly nervous and anxious. She was wearing a long sleeve light weight t-shirt that was a V-Neck to the middle of her chest and she was not wearing underclothes. Her skin looked old. She had lots of wrinkles and other skin issues. She looked tired and sad. She asked where I had parked. I mentioned I had parked on the other side of the building as the parking out front was limited to a 2 hour window. She quickly and rudely said, we will not be here that long. I said, that's no problem, I just didn't want to have to move in the event we were and felt it was better to find another spot. I decided to let her talk and if she asked questions, I would answer. If she brought up something that I could inquire more about, I would. I let her direct conversation. We talked about numerous things. She got very irate again about the fact that nobody had called her about Granma Omi's death. I let her know that I was sorry, if I had had her number I would have called her. She got furious that Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna or Carrie or Trisha didn't call her. I told her that they had a lot on their plate and that this was a very tough time for them. She argued that Granma was like a Mom to her. She said nobody has too much that they can't make a quick call. [She obviously either is not been through experiences that have forced time limitations on her or she is simply being short sighted or selfish.] I tried as much as I could to calmly satisfy her that I am sure they would have if they could have. She went on and vented. I let her. I did not respond. She eventually moved onto other topics. I learned that she doesn't eat much at all. She lives on caffeine. Her hair is falling out and she is petrified as to what is wrong but doesn't have money to go to the doctor nor does she feel she can afford to let them take blood because she "needs every drop she has". She said "Terry said you were out here last weekend, why?". I informed her that I had come out to see Uncle Truman & Aunt Jessica and go on a Dune Buggy Trip to the Dumont Sand Dunes with them. She asked who was there. I listed the people. She cut me off and said, "Excuse me, why were all those people there? Not all of them come to meetings." I said, "No Mindy they don't." She replied, "I don't understand. For all the years I was in The Group that was not allowed or tolerated." I responded, "A lot of things have changed Mindy." She was very harsh and skeptical, "What do you mean lots of things have changed? Explain exactly what you mean by that." I drew a deep breath. I screamed a silent desperate prayer, God! Give me. Please. Please give me wisdom. "Mindy, there have been many changes. To explain them all to you would take a lot of time. Much of it would not make sense to you since you have been gone for 8 years. There are lots of details, situations, events and thoughts that though I would be glad to tell you, it simply would take a lot of time to explain things." She argued back, "But it wasn't like that when I was in the group." To which I simply said, "I know." She looked at me like I can't believe you are not going to answer my question. Then she accepted it and dropped it and moved on to other topics. I honestly thanked God. This was hard. To try to explain this to someone who no longer believes in God would be truly the unexplainable. There was no way I could. Not a chance.
This manner is the way I purposely answered and continued the conversation with her. It was not a time to resolve all problems. Problems in our childhood. Problems with the Christians we know and love and have met with our entire life. Problems with relatives. Problems with our parents. Problems with my brother. It was a time to spend getting reconnected and maybe closing a bit of a gap that has been there. This was my purpose. This was my aim. I was going to strive for it with all I had in me.
During one of the times Mindy was talking, her eyes caught something behind me and she abruptly stopped. Her eyes were fixed on this item, her facial expressions showed whatever it was she saw was creating a response emotionally in her. The reflections of her feelings could not be hid from her face. They showed a puzzlement. Then acknowledgement and understanding. Then a tears welded up in her eyes. Then just as quickly a clear I can't do this, I am not going there, I won't give in settled in. She then told Terry, "Terry, they changed the message on the board from what it said yesterday. I think I liked what it said yesterday better. But anyways"...and she went on with her topic of conversation.
I was curious what she had seen. I turned my head to read it and saw this:
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| handwritten sign at the restaurant |
She had Terry go to the car to get a little photo album of Mom & Dad's Wedding that was at the Memorial that Aunt Donna had brought from Granma Omi's house and that Mom had given to her. She let me pick a few photos of Mom & Dad's Wedding to have. This was a miracle because normally Mindy would have been gleeful that she got something I didn't and wouldn't have cared if I got anything. She wanted me to take more photos, but I only took 4. I told her I didn't need or want a bunch, I simply wanted one or two to have of my parents and the wedding party.
I left with my heart soaring...God's message of LOVE was written out for her to see. It depicted feelings in her she could not hide. God accomplished a small seed. What will happen from here, only God knows, but I know this...He is God! My God, and He was apart of our time!!!
From there we went to Starbucks to get some caffeine, got gas in her vehicle and I filled up Crystal's, and then we went to Terry's place so I could see where he lived. I got a tour and then we took photos and then I needed to leave to get back to Crystal's to have enough time to head to Ontario Airport. In the end, we spent 3 hours together...more than the 2 she said we would.
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| Terry, Mindy & I leaving the restaurant in San Jacinto, CA |
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| Two Sisters |
Friday, February 22, 2013
Dad's Memorial
Today is Dad's Memorial.
My work week was really crammed getting ready for another trip to California. I rushed home after being at a clients office for two solid days out of town to do laundry, pack and climb in bed to get 3 hours of sleep, wake up at 2.30amCST to get ready and leave by 3.30amCST and drive to DFW Airport to catch my 6amCST flight to Ontario, California. I was due into Ontario at 9amCST after a layover in Phoenix, Arizona. Everything went smooth on my flight...though I wished I could have slept some, I simply was very exhausted. Julie Sharpless was scheduled to pick me up at the airport and then we were going to head to her place until about 11amCST and then head to Apple Valley, California. Julie and I visited on the drive back to her place. We made sandwiches to take to my Mom and got grapes ready also. We left as soon as Steve Sharpless got there and hit the road.
As we came up "over the hill" [this is the term for the desert that is above the valley of San Bernardino, Riverside, and Los Angeles areas] it felt really weird to be in my home town area that I had not seen or lived in for 15.5 years. Some things looked exactly the same and some things had changed dramatically. The closer we got, I got more and more of a sick empty queasy feeling in my stomach. It would be hard to explain. A sense of unknown and not sure what to expect. A sense of some fear. A sense of anxiety and wish for this to be over. A sense of familiar territory, yet no longer home. Yet, even in all these various emotions, I didn't for one second rethink my desire to come and be a support as my role as a the first born child, regardless of the family dynamics and lack of a relationship.
We drove by the place where I had my first job at the Dermatology Office and second job at the Cardiologist Office that I only worked 3 months at before moving to Burleson, Texas. It was weird to see them still in the same place after all these years. We continued to drive out towards my parents area as the Mortuary was only about 1-2 miles from my parents house. Driving in the desert was a weird feeling, much like I experienced last weekend when I flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. The open feeling is a sense of room, but at the same time, a deep sense of loneliness to me. It wasn't a fun feeling...it was a depressing feeling. I am sure depending on your experience of living in such an environment and personal preferences too, you may or may not relate to it.
We arrived at the Mortuary at about 12.30pmPST. There were several already there when we got there. As I walked towards the building, Julie Sharpless just squeezed my arm and whispered that she was praying for me. Wow...how encouraging!!! I knew I could do this but believe me the anxiety was starting to run pretty high in anticipation of the time. At the same time, I felt a peace come over me that would be hard to explain other than that I felt like I was being guided through the zone. I walked in the door and saw many faces I knew, we exchanged greetings and hugs. I didn't get much time to spend looking at the table that Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna had put together as various people kept greeting me. I then turned and saw a group of ladies and one of them said "Hi Misty". It might seem strange, but I had not focused in on who each of the ladies were, until that greeting was mentioned, and it was only then that I realized by the sound of the voice, this was my Mom. She looked much older, seemed shorter to me, and overall looked very sad and very pitiful. You must remember, I have not seen her in 15 years other than one time very briefly when she came up behind me at a July Christian Camp Retreat in Tulare, California many years ago [at the moment I can't remember how many years ago] and tapped me on the shoulder and said hello during a message. I approached Mom and gave her a hug and she returned it with a slight pat on the shoulder, she did not embrace me. She said, "I wasn't sure you were going to be able to make it." To which I replied, "I wasn't sure I was going to be able to either". I went on to tell her that I had been praying for her. One of the ladies that Dad used to work with at the job he was at when I lived at home was standing by my Mom and she said to my Mom, "Isn't she just beautiful?" To which my Mom looked me up and down and responded, "Well she has fake height, she is cheating." [she was referring to the black leather boots I was wearing with maybe an inch to inch and a half heel on them], and after making that statement she walked off with a gleeful mocking laugh. You might think this was very rude, and I am not saying it was kind, but believe me, I was expecting worse. I remained calm and just went on greeting people and saying hi to those who had come to attend the event and be of support to the family. Out of all the things she could have said or done, this was mild. My shoes were no taller than hers...so what was the point? Who cares if I had fake height? Why couldn't she acknowledge I looked pretty? Oh, I forgot, that would mean you would have to address previous discussions and issues, oh no, I didn't forget. I know. All too well, I know. After greeting a few more people, I felt the need to escape to the bathroom and have a moment of quiet. When I returned back to the lobby, most of the people had moved to the room where the service was to be held.
Mindy & Terry were running late and Mom said she wanted to wait for them. The people at the Mortuary were very nice and said that was fine. I waited in the hallway until they arrived and then went to greet them. Mindy was cold and stiff at first. When she saw the pictures of Dad she broke down sobbing. Terry was moody and quiet. Mindy left a bit later and went to the ladies room to wash her face. When she returned she walked right passed me to go sit down. Halfway down the isle she looked back at Terry and motioned for him to join her. When he didn't, she started walking back to insist on him coming with her. She stood waiting in the isle way until he did. When he reached her she reached out her hand to hold his and they walked the rest of the way holding hands. This moment felt a bit strange to me and almost like a slap in the face as they left me standing back in the hallway by myself. I hadn't been sure of where I wanted to sit as I knew I didn't want to sit right next to Mom. I decided that if Mindy & Terry were going to sit next to Mom, I needed to too. Mom was seated on the 2nd chair in on the front row on the left side and Terry took the first and Mindy was next to Mom, I was on the other side of Mom and Aunt Jessica next to me and then Uncle Truman. Bruce Stevens was playing the piano. Bruce & Rachel sang a song. Then the Mortuary had a video they played. Following that my Uncle Dana gave some things about my Dad. He was struggling to not be emotional and couldn't seem to get passed it. Carrie & Tricia [my cousins/his daughters] joined him and one stood on each side of him as they offered their support. Uncle Dana grew calm and proceeded to mention some things about my Dad, some of which I did not know. He did a remarkable job at conveying various points of interest for the lack of relationship and involvement that the two of them had had in each others lives. I was very impressed about the things Uncle Dana brought forth, how he clearly described the love my Dad had for the Lord and how he had led my Uncle Dana to the Lord after 3.5 years of working on him. He also relayed the details of a Men and Boys Camping Trip in which some of them got lost and my Dad used the situation to describe being lost from the Lord and that this was when Jimmy Bartley accepted the Lord into his heart at age 11. I knew my Uncle Dana had been saved by efforts of my Dad, but I did not know that it took 3.5 years! I also knew about the camping trip, but did not know that Jimmy Bartley was saved because of the things Dad shared. I also knew Dad had been a Computer Programer, but didn't know it had been for Walt Disney. I also didn't know that Granpa Whiskers made the house that him and Granma Omi lived in. After Uncle Dana finished his part, Steve Sharpless took over and shared some things on the Gospel of Salvation and the Hope that each of us have in the Lord Jesus Christ. My brother spent most of the time bent over his seat with his head down. Mindy looked straight ahead as if she was in her own world eyes fixed on something in a far away spot. Two times through the time, I reached over and gave her a hug across her shoulders, and I also reached out and squeezed her hands. At one point she turned to me and said, "Isn't it funny that you and I are both wearing black? You know how Mom hates black! Haha. And it's knit too! And she is sitting over there wearing her calico cottens." Mindy hardly could say all this without totally outright laughing as she was telling me and when she finished she laughed so hilariously. I was hoping that Mom hadn't heard her, but wasn't sure that she couldn't as Mindy was not quiet about it, and I whispered back, "Yah, I know". Who knows what triggered this thought but it obviously was a connection she knew she had with me and that I would understand. [For the record: Mom hates black. She feels if you wear black you have a bunch of sin in your life. She feels knit is not ladies clothing, it is t-shirt material that is only for guys to wear, not girls. We both were wearing black leather boots that also is not approved of.] Everyone was very warm and friendly to all of us. I felt many made quite the effort to be there in light of the drive it was for them and the fact that it was at 1pmEST on a Friday afternoon and not a weekend. There were many in attendance:
Truman & Jessica Jean
Dana & Donna Gilbert
Carrie Veazey
Andy & Tricia
Steve & Julie Sharpless
Jim & Sue Maurer
Bruce & Rachel Stevens
John & Marjorie Morey
Jan Sulzen
Bernel Johnson
Scott Johnson
Bob & Rose Shaw
Gail Malmstrom
Ray & Gail Sharpless
Don & Lou Carole Stevens
Wayne & Lynita Airy
Crystal Bauman & Emmy
Jim & Pam Beitzel
Mike & Janet Tuthill
Vern & Judy Delorenzo
Charles & Patsy Puente
Yvonne
Terry Gilbert
Wanda Gilbert
Mindy Gilbert
Misty Gilbert
Colleen [a friend of Mom's]
Jackie [a coworker of Dad's]
Bill [a boss of Dad's]
three other people Dad worked with at his latest part time job
[I believe I am missing a few people and will add them if I remember them later]
We all stayed and visited for some time following the service and as usual for this group of people, we have to be kicked out we can't leave on time. Mom had only reserved the room until 2.30pm and it was after that. Mom wanted all of us siblings to come see where Dad's placement was going to be on the wall, as he was to be cremated. She had to buy a space for two as they don't sell them in just one, so she has a spot for her when the time comes. We loaded up everything in Mom's car for her. I went to leave and then realized I had not said Goodbye to Mindy & Terry so I went back inside to find them. Mindy was inside speaking with one of the clerks asking to see Dad...they wouldn't let her of course as it had been two weeks and they let her know clearly that they couldn't do that. I let her know that I wanted to tell her Goodbye as I was headed with Crystal back down the hill. Mom had invited anyone who wanted to to come over to the house. This is not something that I wanted to do even though Mindy & Terry were going to go. When I got in the car to leave, Crystal told me that I could burst into tears if I wanted to, she would understand. I said, I was just grateful that it had gone that well and that it was over. Crystal had rode up with Jim & Pam Beitzel. We headed down the hill to go eat at The Hat with Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna. We ate at the restaurant and enjoyed our friendship, fellowship and yummy food!
From there, Jim & Pam took us back to Crystal's place in Redlands. I was emotionally and physically beat from the day. I got settled on the couch and didn't move from there until it was time for bed.
My work week was really crammed getting ready for another trip to California. I rushed home after being at a clients office for two solid days out of town to do laundry, pack and climb in bed to get 3 hours of sleep, wake up at 2.30amCST to get ready and leave by 3.30amCST and drive to DFW Airport to catch my 6amCST flight to Ontario, California. I was due into Ontario at 9amCST after a layover in Phoenix, Arizona. Everything went smooth on my flight...though I wished I could have slept some, I simply was very exhausted. Julie Sharpless was scheduled to pick me up at the airport and then we were going to head to her place until about 11amCST and then head to Apple Valley, California. Julie and I visited on the drive back to her place. We made sandwiches to take to my Mom and got grapes ready also. We left as soon as Steve Sharpless got there and hit the road.
As we came up "over the hill" [this is the term for the desert that is above the valley of San Bernardino, Riverside, and Los Angeles areas] it felt really weird to be in my home town area that I had not seen or lived in for 15.5 years. Some things looked exactly the same and some things had changed dramatically. The closer we got, I got more and more of a sick empty queasy feeling in my stomach. It would be hard to explain. A sense of unknown and not sure what to expect. A sense of some fear. A sense of anxiety and wish for this to be over. A sense of familiar territory, yet no longer home. Yet, even in all these various emotions, I didn't for one second rethink my desire to come and be a support as my role as a the first born child, regardless of the family dynamics and lack of a relationship.
We drove by the place where I had my first job at the Dermatology Office and second job at the Cardiologist Office that I only worked 3 months at before moving to Burleson, Texas. It was weird to see them still in the same place after all these years. We continued to drive out towards my parents area as the Mortuary was only about 1-2 miles from my parents house. Driving in the desert was a weird feeling, much like I experienced last weekend when I flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. The open feeling is a sense of room, but at the same time, a deep sense of loneliness to me. It wasn't a fun feeling...it was a depressing feeling. I am sure depending on your experience of living in such an environment and personal preferences too, you may or may not relate to it.
We arrived at the Mortuary at about 12.30pmPST. There were several already there when we got there. As I walked towards the building, Julie Sharpless just squeezed my arm and whispered that she was praying for me. Wow...how encouraging!!! I knew I could do this but believe me the anxiety was starting to run pretty high in anticipation of the time. At the same time, I felt a peace come over me that would be hard to explain other than that I felt like I was being guided through the zone. I walked in the door and saw many faces I knew, we exchanged greetings and hugs. I didn't get much time to spend looking at the table that Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna had put together as various people kept greeting me. I then turned and saw a group of ladies and one of them said "Hi Misty". It might seem strange, but I had not focused in on who each of the ladies were, until that greeting was mentioned, and it was only then that I realized by the sound of the voice, this was my Mom. She looked much older, seemed shorter to me, and overall looked very sad and very pitiful. You must remember, I have not seen her in 15 years other than one time very briefly when she came up behind me at a July Christian Camp Retreat in Tulare, California many years ago [at the moment I can't remember how many years ago] and tapped me on the shoulder and said hello during a message. I approached Mom and gave her a hug and she returned it with a slight pat on the shoulder, she did not embrace me. She said, "I wasn't sure you were going to be able to make it." To which I replied, "I wasn't sure I was going to be able to either". I went on to tell her that I had been praying for her. One of the ladies that Dad used to work with at the job he was at when I lived at home was standing by my Mom and she said to my Mom, "Isn't she just beautiful?" To which my Mom looked me up and down and responded, "Well she has fake height, she is cheating." [she was referring to the black leather boots I was wearing with maybe an inch to inch and a half heel on them], and after making that statement she walked off with a gleeful mocking laugh. You might think this was very rude, and I am not saying it was kind, but believe me, I was expecting worse. I remained calm and just went on greeting people and saying hi to those who had come to attend the event and be of support to the family. Out of all the things she could have said or done, this was mild. My shoes were no taller than hers...so what was the point? Who cares if I had fake height? Why couldn't she acknowledge I looked pretty? Oh, I forgot, that would mean you would have to address previous discussions and issues, oh no, I didn't forget. I know. All too well, I know. After greeting a few more people, I felt the need to escape to the bathroom and have a moment of quiet. When I returned back to the lobby, most of the people had moved to the room where the service was to be held.
Mindy & Terry were running late and Mom said she wanted to wait for them. The people at the Mortuary were very nice and said that was fine. I waited in the hallway until they arrived and then went to greet them. Mindy was cold and stiff at first. When she saw the pictures of Dad she broke down sobbing. Terry was moody and quiet. Mindy left a bit later and went to the ladies room to wash her face. When she returned she walked right passed me to go sit down. Halfway down the isle she looked back at Terry and motioned for him to join her. When he didn't, she started walking back to insist on him coming with her. She stood waiting in the isle way until he did. When he reached her she reached out her hand to hold his and they walked the rest of the way holding hands. This moment felt a bit strange to me and almost like a slap in the face as they left me standing back in the hallway by myself. I hadn't been sure of where I wanted to sit as I knew I didn't want to sit right next to Mom. I decided that if Mindy & Terry were going to sit next to Mom, I needed to too. Mom was seated on the 2nd chair in on the front row on the left side and Terry took the first and Mindy was next to Mom, I was on the other side of Mom and Aunt Jessica next to me and then Uncle Truman. Bruce Stevens was playing the piano. Bruce & Rachel sang a song. Then the Mortuary had a video they played. Following that my Uncle Dana gave some things about my Dad. He was struggling to not be emotional and couldn't seem to get passed it. Carrie & Tricia [my cousins/his daughters] joined him and one stood on each side of him as they offered their support. Uncle Dana grew calm and proceeded to mention some things about my Dad, some of which I did not know. He did a remarkable job at conveying various points of interest for the lack of relationship and involvement that the two of them had had in each others lives. I was very impressed about the things Uncle Dana brought forth, how he clearly described the love my Dad had for the Lord and how he had led my Uncle Dana to the Lord after 3.5 years of working on him. He also relayed the details of a Men and Boys Camping Trip in which some of them got lost and my Dad used the situation to describe being lost from the Lord and that this was when Jimmy Bartley accepted the Lord into his heart at age 11. I knew my Uncle Dana had been saved by efforts of my Dad, but I did not know that it took 3.5 years! I also knew about the camping trip, but did not know that Jimmy Bartley was saved because of the things Dad shared. I also knew Dad had been a Computer Programer, but didn't know it had been for Walt Disney. I also didn't know that Granpa Whiskers made the house that him and Granma Omi lived in. After Uncle Dana finished his part, Steve Sharpless took over and shared some things on the Gospel of Salvation and the Hope that each of us have in the Lord Jesus Christ. My brother spent most of the time bent over his seat with his head down. Mindy looked straight ahead as if she was in her own world eyes fixed on something in a far away spot. Two times through the time, I reached over and gave her a hug across her shoulders, and I also reached out and squeezed her hands. At one point she turned to me and said, "Isn't it funny that you and I are both wearing black? You know how Mom hates black! Haha. And it's knit too! And she is sitting over there wearing her calico cottens." Mindy hardly could say all this without totally outright laughing as she was telling me and when she finished she laughed so hilariously. I was hoping that Mom hadn't heard her, but wasn't sure that she couldn't as Mindy was not quiet about it, and I whispered back, "Yah, I know". Who knows what triggered this thought but it obviously was a connection she knew she had with me and that I would understand. [For the record: Mom hates black. She feels if you wear black you have a bunch of sin in your life. She feels knit is not ladies clothing, it is t-shirt material that is only for guys to wear, not girls. We both were wearing black leather boots that also is not approved of.] Everyone was very warm and friendly to all of us. I felt many made quite the effort to be there in light of the drive it was for them and the fact that it was at 1pmEST on a Friday afternoon and not a weekend. There were many in attendance:
Truman & Jessica Jean
Dana & Donna Gilbert
Carrie Veazey
Andy & Tricia
Steve & Julie Sharpless
Jim & Sue Maurer
Bruce & Rachel Stevens
John & Marjorie Morey
Jan Sulzen
Bernel Johnson
Scott Johnson
Bob & Rose Shaw
Gail Malmstrom
Ray & Gail Sharpless
Don & Lou Carole Stevens
Wayne & Lynita Airy
Crystal Bauman & Emmy
Jim & Pam Beitzel
Mike & Janet Tuthill
Vern & Judy Delorenzo
Charles & Patsy Puente
Yvonne
Terry Gilbert
Wanda Gilbert
Mindy Gilbert
Misty Gilbert
Colleen [a friend of Mom's]
Jackie [a coworker of Dad's]
Bill [a boss of Dad's]
three other people Dad worked with at his latest part time job
[I believe I am missing a few people and will add them if I remember them later]
We all stayed and visited for some time following the service and as usual for this group of people, we have to be kicked out we can't leave on time. Mom had only reserved the room until 2.30pm and it was after that. Mom wanted all of us siblings to come see where Dad's placement was going to be on the wall, as he was to be cremated. She had to buy a space for two as they don't sell them in just one, so she has a spot for her when the time comes. We loaded up everything in Mom's car for her. I went to leave and then realized I had not said Goodbye to Mindy & Terry so I went back inside to find them. Mindy was inside speaking with one of the clerks asking to see Dad...they wouldn't let her of course as it had been two weeks and they let her know clearly that they couldn't do that. I let her know that I wanted to tell her Goodbye as I was headed with Crystal back down the hill. Mom had invited anyone who wanted to to come over to the house. This is not something that I wanted to do even though Mindy & Terry were going to go. When I got in the car to leave, Crystal told me that I could burst into tears if I wanted to, she would understand. I said, I was just grateful that it had gone that well and that it was over. Crystal had rode up with Jim & Pam Beitzel. We headed down the hill to go eat at The Hat with Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna. We ate at the restaurant and enjoyed our friendship, fellowship and yummy food!
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| These are Fries w/Chili & Cheese on the left and AlaMode on the right. [I typically like my fries just plain with ketchup...but these AlaMode fries, were unbelievable!!!] |
From there, Jim & Pam took us back to Crystal's place in Redlands. I was emotionally and physically beat from the day. I got settled on the couch and didn't move from there until it was time for bed.
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| snuggling with Emmy! |
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