trip to Utopia, TX with Jennifer [day1]

When I had surgery last October 2012, one of my friends [Jennifer] recommended I watch a movie on her Netflix account.  I did.  You can read my nuggets and takeaways from that film here.  

The movie was an emotional experience for me.  It moved me and impacted my life tremendously and significantly.  After watching the movie, I did some research on the film as it is a real place here in Texas and is based on some facts, not 100% made up.  I was amazed at the thought that went into the movie.  Jennifer came over and saw me during my surgery recouperation and I shared a lot of the information with her.  The more we talked the more Jennifer wanted to go there when she learned it was a real place and "In Texas"!  We made conversation following that day many times about going there "someday".  I finally told her a month ago lets quit talking about it and make a date.  We did:  April 4th 2013 - April 6th 2013.

In case you haven't seen the movie, I won't give away the punch line, but as one who can count how many movies I have seen, I would recommend this one, highly recommend, this one and tell you it is one of my top 5 [even if everyone laughs at me and says how can you say it is one of your top 5 when you probably have only seen 5?].  Technically, I have seen a few more than 5 and yes, it still is one of my top 5!!!  

In preparation for the time, I told Jennifer that I wanted to make a list of my lies and bury them.  The website for Seven Days in Utopia says you can mail in the lies and they will bury them for you if you can't or don't want to make the trip to begin your sacred journey.  Read this link if you want to learn about it.  A week before our trip, I finally began making my list of lies to bury.  You can read the post my 15 Lies buried at Buried Lies Cemetery in Utopia, TX.  This was an incredible experience and I will save those details for another blog post otherwise that will consume the rest of the page here and you won't get the details of our trip.

We headed out Thursday at about 1pm.  We had no agenda and no details on having to be anywhere at any time.  Enroute we decided to stop at the outlet mall and shop for maybe two hours?  It was fun!  We proceeded to take I35 south towards Austin and when we were approaching traffic, Jennifer suggested we take the loop that bypasses all that.  I told her give me directions and we would go.  Well the GPS said to hang left and it didn't look right or feel right and I went right.  Opps.  No going through the bypass, we now were stuck in traffic.  Ugh.  Or was that a plus because if we had done the bypass we would not have then eaten at Torchy's Taco's???!!!

...BTW:  Jennifer took most all of the photo's on the trip, so I will insert pictures later.

We chatted the entire way to Utopia, TX...didn't run out of things to talk about and many times were interrupting each other with all the details, extra comments, and don't forget to let me tell you about this subject either.  Yup...that's what happens when you don't spend enough time with your girlfriends!

We had a great drive down and arrived at our bed and breakfast that evening a little after 9pm.  The place was quiet, quaint and the hosts were very friendly!  We unloaded and crawled in for the night!

Quotes

You & God are the majority.
- Joel Osteen

song ~ you are

You Are
by  Colton Dixon

When I can’t find the words to say how much it hurts 
You are the healing in my heart 
When all that I can see are broken memories 
You are the light that’s in the dark 

Chorus: 
You are the song, 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Whoa

You are 

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands. 
You are the provider of my needs. 
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless. 
You are the rain that washes me. 

Chorus: (2x) 
You are the song 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Whoa

(x2) If I had no voice, 
If I had no tongue, 
I would dance for you like the rising sun. 
And when that day comes and I see your face. 
I will shout your endless glorious praise. 

Chorus: (2x) 
You are the song I’m singing. 
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed. 
Whoa

Quotes

this is too funny and sooooooo true!

a woman of faith

song ~ worn

Worn

by Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

an update on posts

If you are a avid follower of my blog, you know that I openly share what is going on in my life.  I do this because I want to be a complete opposite of the childhood I had and the details that were averted in conversations, the things that were hidden from people, the relationships that didn't know the truth, the hypocrisy that was lived out, everything that was false.  I want to encourage others through the things I face and how real God is in my life.  I want to be open, 150% open!  I have nothing to hide and therefore I many times blog about things that others wouldn't.  Due to some events that I blogged about that took place this past Saturday that have emotionally torn me apart along with advice I received, I have removed this post.  Please understand that it is simply for safety reasons.  If you don't subscribe to my blog you will no longer see the information I shared.  If you do, the post would have been sent to you in an email this morning.  I love each of you very much and want to be apart of your lives just as much as you want to be apart of mine however your prayers are needed desperately right now!  I know God is going to use this actively in my journey but right now it has my world turned upside down.  I request you to be understanding with me as I work through this.  I need you fervent prayers for peace and to deal with the turmoil in my heart and mind.

Quotes

Most people will find your flaws but not your beauty.  Your flaws are perfect for the heart that's meant to love you.
- Danny Blair

response to Mindy's texts

I want you to know I do care.  I would love to share about my life and explain things if you want to learn and know.  I have been open about my life...very open and have been condemned, rebuked, isolated, shunned, mocked, etc.  You have made some assumptions that are not correct or true but I can't blame you...you don't know what has happened.  I don't know what you have "heard" as you state so I can't confirm anything.  I don't expect that the 8 years we have been apart will be resolved in one breakfast meeting.  I never thought that.  I simply was grateful to be able to spend time with you because the last thing I knew was you never wanted to hear from me again.  I didn't expect you to talk to me at the memorial.  Didn't think you wanted to spend time with me.  Therefore since I didn't have your address or email or phone number there wasn't a way to contact you.  There wasn't a reason to since I thought you were done with me.   You said if I ever left the group you still didn't want to hear from me.  Maybe you didn't mean that...but I took it literal.  That's my fault and I am sorry.  I didn't continue a relationship with you for several reasons and I hope you will accept my apologies.  If you don't...I understand.  I will respect your wishes and give you space.  I am not trying to invade your life or change you.  I love you.  I care about you.  Even if we do not talk and I don't know what is going on in your life...I still do!!!  I haven't felt you wanted a relationship with me so I let go.  I know that's hard to understand.  I felt it was best.  I don't want to hurt you.  I want you to live the life you want and haven't judged you because you have.  I have given you the space I wanted.  I hope that my letter to you will explain a few things.  If you choose not to read it, I will understand.

Quotes

To walk closely with Jesus we have to walk ourselves daily through God's Word. Tethering our hearts to Scripture helps grow our friendship with Jesus. As a result, He becomes more important to us than others or their opinions of us. The more we learn about God's character, the more we fall in love with Him and the less likely we'll be to turn from Him when the crowds tempt to sway us. Or when fear of judgment or persecution comes.
- Karen Patterson Ehman [via Proverbs 31 Ministries]

an unexpected event with a client

I woke up before the alarm went off today as we had a storm blow through Texas.  It included some pea size hail...a bunch of it!  It hailed at my house for 20-30minutes and woke me up.  No more sleep!

I decided to get up and get a few things done before heading to the dealership to drop off the title to my old car along with my other key.  I was headed to my American Academy of Professional Coders Class (AAPC) that I do once a month.  It has always been on Tuesday evenings, but they voted in January to move it to Saturday every Quarter, and this was its first.  Since it was a Saturday, it was a little bit more relaxed and the session went over what I anticipated it would.  I was to be at a clients in Weatherford at 12.30pm.  I texted him that I class went over, I needed to get lunch and was just leaving at 12pm and that I would be there as soon as I could.  Enroute, another client called me so when I pulled up in his parking lot, I sat in the car until my conversation was over.  When I arrived in his office he seemed a little edgy.  I wasn't sure if this was because I was running later than originally planned or if this was because I sat in the parking lot talking and he knew I was here or if there was something else going on.  I apologized for getting a later start then we originally planned, asked him questions to get up to date on where we were with his account and stuff that is happening, and launched into my accounting tasks.  His office is in a warehouse like type setting.  There is no heat, so you for sure don't dillydally about wasting time on a cold day like it was today.  

We were working on some Paypal account issues and trying to balance to the daily Journal Entries.  In working on these in Quickbooks, I had asked him where we were at getting things setup so I could work remotely.  Traveling to his office was not the original plan and since it is an hour each way, that cuts into being profitable fast.  He mentioned that he hoped to have the Mac Laptop finished up for me to use by the next time I came out.  I laughed and said I would not hold my breath since he promised me that two times ago.  I was wearing my hair down and didn't have a clip in it so I didn't see him come up behind me.  He smacked me across the back of my head with his finger/palm, twice.  I quickly rolled the desk chair away from the desk and turned in my head to look at him and said, "This is not going to work."  He replied, "Are you serious?  Don't over react."  I said, "I am sorry, I was abused as a child, and I can't take this.  This is not going to work."  While saying this, I started gathering my things very quickly.  Put my salad back in the Panera Bread to go sack, stuck my pen in the spiral part of my notebook, stuff papers in the folder, put my cell phone in my purse, grabbed it all up and stood up.  He again said, "I didn't mean anything by it.  Can't we talk this out?"  I said, "Please just give me a few minutes to go to my car.  I need a few minutes by myself.  I will be back in to talk."  He said "Okay."

I was amazed at the calm voice I had with him, though inside I was livid as hell.  My heart beat was racing.  I was shaking all over and incredibly irritated.  I got in my car and locked the doors.  As I sat in my car with my eyes closed my head bent over praying.  I prayed God give me strength to deal with this.  Please make me calm, I am rattled beyond words.  Please help me to tell him plainly this is over and I am done.  I can't do this.  Absolutely can't do this.  No amount of money is worth this.  I suddenly felt I should not be sitting there with my eyes closed and head bent.  I leaned my head against my hand on the arm rest and had my eyes open but looking away from his office.  I prayed more...I am not sure what I said, I just felt the connection between me and heaven and I prayed.  I really wanted to leave.  I didn't want to go back in, but I decided it was time to get this over with.  I grabbed my keys that have with pepper spray on them, held the pepper spray so it was clearly visible and ready to use, along with my cell phone.  I left everything else in the car.  I walked in the office and shut the door behind me and stood right there with my back against the door.  He was sitting at his desk.  I stood there and didn't say a word as I tried to gather my thoughts on what to say first and how to say it.  Before I did he said, "Can I say a few things?"  I nodded.  He said, "I want to apologize. I realize I triggered your trigger and I didn't mean to.  I have never touched a woman.  I realize this was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it. I feel comfortable with you and was just playing around.  If you will tell me what your triggers are, I will make sure I don't do it again."  I said, "I understand and appreciate your apology.  This is not going to work."  He then said more about he realized he made a huge mistake and sincerely meant nothing by it.  I then asked him, "What did I say that made you do that?"  He said, "Nothing, I was just playing back.  I never meant anything by it.  Won't you please give this a second chance?"  I said nothing and simply shook my head no.  "I am sorry [his name], but I can't do this.  This is not going to work."  He was frustrated.  Very frustrated.  He stood up and then said, "So you are saying we can't work this out?  You are lumping me in with all the other people who have abused you, like I am a bad guy?  I promise it won't ever happen again."  I responded, "[name of client], this should never have happened in the first place and I will not risk a second time.  Though I absolutely want your business, no amount of money is worth this and I can't and won't do it."  I went on to tell him that I wasn't aware of our contract terms by me ending the contract early, as that was at home, however I would adhere to the penalty.  He looked to see if he had his copy with him and he said he didn't.  He stated he would pay me in full because these were hours I put in.  I told him that I appreciated that.  I told him that I would go to my car and get the paperwork I had that had the user names, passwords and account information so that he would have everything back.  I asked him to delete the shared Dropbox connection so that I have none of his information.  I went to my car, got the paperwork, walked back in and laid it on the desk, and then I walked out and drove off.

As I drove off, I felt an overwhelming peace to be gone.  I had an absolutely peace and secure feeling that I knew I did the right thing, though it was incredibly hard, I knew it was right.  The back of my head hurt, it stung.  I felt drained.  Like I had just ran a marathon and had no energy left in me to drive home.  I was physically and emotionally so exhausted all of a sudden.  The memories of incidents like this that I had experienced in my childhood were clouding my vision, my mind, my heart, my every move.  They were coming at me like the downpour of hail and it was very overwhelming.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to run away.  I honestly didn't care if I lived.  I felt done with life.  The suffocating feelings were drowning me.  I prayed more.  I prayed for God to help me understand why this happened. To help me to deal with the feelings I felt swarming me like no tomorrow, to handle my frustration in loosing a client,  to deal with the loss of income, to remove the extreme anger I felt towards him, the memories that were causing emotions in me I had no clue could surface so easily. I needed God! 

I drove in silence.  I cried.  I prayed.  I continued to drive home.  Halfway home I turned on the radio and one of the songs that played is one of my favorites, Need You Now by Plum.  Tears streamed down my face.  The words hit my heart.  "Everybody's got a story to tell.  [Oh God you know my story!] Everybody's got a wound to be healed.  [Yes, I have lots of wounds God...please heal them.]  I get so tired of holding on.  I wanna believe there's meaning here.  How many times have you heard me cry out?  How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?  Oh, I need you, God I need you now! [Oh God, do you know how much I need you???  Dear God, please be with me!]  Standing on a road I didn't plan.  [No Lord, this was not in my plans!] Wondering...Trying to hear that still small voice.  Though I walk through the shadows and I am so afraid.  Please stay, please stay right beside me.  With every single step I take."  

Once home, I wondered why I had not reached out to my friends to ask for prayer.  I needed it NOW!  I texted Jennifer, Miki and Michelle and asked them to pray for me.  [I know I could have texted many more of my friends and all of them/you would have prayed for me, but those are the ones I reached out to in this moment.] I let them know an incident with a client had turned my day upside down and I needed prayers as I was very shaken up.

I knew I couldn't stay at home.  Though I had errands to run, I didn't want to, but yet I knew that in order to make it through the day, I needed to move forward with them or I was just going to be a zombie.

I went and got prescriptions.  Then went to Jeff's to get the Valet Key on my old car [as the executor of my Will he has a key to my house and car] so that I could deliver that to the dealership.  Then I went to the dealership to drop that off and get a demo of how to set things up inside my car as we ran out of time to do that last night.  From there, I met Michelle for dinner.

Please pray for me as I work through these emotions and deal with all this in my heart and mind!

[this post was removed for a time per legal advice and so if you did not see it previously you will know why]

how to respond to this?

Since being in California for my Dad's Memorial, Mindy and I have had some text messages back and forth.  I have answered questions and made chit chat.  It hasn't been every day, but it has been way more frequent then we had before.  I have wanted to take the opportunity to show her I care and will communicate if she will not be rude and hang up on me, not yell at me with angry words and foul language, and if she can be nice.  We have not had communication since early 2010 when she texted me and told me to take her out of my will and then in August 2011 when she messaged me on Facebook telling me that even if I ever left "The Group" she had no interest, that she would not ready any mail or messages I sent and would discard them immediately, because my cruelty was beyond imagination.

Today she wrote this:
I thought you would have cared enough to tell me you've changed instead of finding it out other ways.  That's what.  Its just shocking to find you've been so judgmental about so many things when actually, you've been doing them all along. Not being open about it makes it seem like you don't think its a big deal.  Since you've never been treated by the group in the same way when you didn't have friends, its a different experience.  People who were treated differently (ostracized, judged, isolated, cruelly) have been telling me you may never understand.  It just shows me that you don't care that much.  That you thin you can undo all that in a breakfast.  When you've been left to die by people (litersally) it just takes a lot more than words to regain a place of trust and reliance and a relationship.  The fact that you didn't tell me about all the changes upfront seems really bizarre to me.  Like you just let me find out like you didn't care.

The message hurt.  It holds truth and untruths.  

I prayed for God to give me the words and wisdom to respond.  I then texted back:
Mindy, I would love to respond. I have class this morning and then am working with a client the rest of the day.  I will respond to your last few texts.  Love you!

Please pray for me that I will know how to show Gods love and answer these accusations, if they should be answered.  I would love the opportunity to share with her what has changed in my life and what hasn't.  I would love to let her know that many of her assumptions are wrong.  I would love to get across to her that I love her.  Really love her.

a new car!

I got my 2011 Honda Civic back today after 3 weeks of being in the shop.  The service adviser told me that they hoped that they had everything fixed but they were not sure.  Several additional issues came up this week and they barely had it ready for me today when I picked it up.  I drove it around and the burnt smell that was at the scene of the accident was not gone.  This smell was horrific and disgusting.  I was greatly disappointed in some issues it appeared to still have and decided that this was not a fight I wanted to deal with, did not want to deal with potential issues coming up and having to get another rental car while it was back in the shop, and in general this is not something I needed with my weekly travels around Texas.  I decided to see what I could get for it on a trade in. I have never traded in a car before, I always have sold them private party because I can get more for them typically.  However this instance was different.  It was paid for and only had $35k miles on it.  It still held a fairly decent price, though obviously much less since it had been in a wreck, even though fixed, it no longer had all Honda parts, many were replaced were after market and the lines and quality are not the same.  To find someone with cash to be able to purchase a vehicle like this would take work.  The risk of getting taken advantage of is higher.  The time it takes to sell a car for a good price can take awhile.  All of these things made me realize, trading it in was the better option.  I went to the new Honda Dealership located in Burleson.  The biggest thing besides with this dealership, besides the fact that it is in my hometown, is that they offer a lifetime power train warranty plan on any vehicle purchased through them.  Since I plan to keep this and drive it until it is dead [borrowing no other plans happen again like this last one], I will have it for years and that will be a well invested benefit.  We did some paperwork and then I took one for a test drive. [I had done this last weekend with a girlfriend because I would get a $25 Target Gift Card if I took one for a test drive].  We came back and did further negotiations and I decided to move forward with trading in my 2011 Honda Civic for a 2013 Honda Civic!  This was not in "the plans"...but it was the best thing in light of the situation.  The newer car has several options which I didn't have on my last one, some of which I will use, particularly one that will help me while I am on the road - the blue tooth to use my cell phone through the car.  This is beyond any "hands free device" you could get!  It syncs all contacts in your phone, will send text messages and make phone calls.  Talk about an incredible option!  I now have a $217 car payment, which doesn't make me happy after being debt free and working at paying down my house and doing repairs that need to be done to this place, but I made a mistake 3 weeks ago and it came with a price.  I will skim down the budget with less eating out [and any other things I can think of] and maybe even get a few more clients for my employees to work their accounts, and the goal will be to pay this off as soon as I can.  

My 1st was a manual four door white Honda Civic Sedan, that I bought two years old.  My 2nd was a manual two door eternal blue Honda Civic Coupe, that I bought brand new and took 2.5 years to pay off.  My 3rd was an automatic two door alabaster silver Honda Civic Coupe, that I bought brand new and paid off in 1 year.  This is my 4th Honda Civic, it is an automatic two door silver coupe and came with 92 miles on it!  I don't owe much on it since I traded in my other one so I fully suspect it will be paid for by year end.  I will post a picture soon!

more communication w/Mindy

text messages from Mindy:

If I had known you were in regular contact with our marked family I wouldn't have called you about Granma's death.  I would have known (assumed) you were contacted, fyi.

me:  What's regular contact?

Mindy: Years worth.  In person visits.

me:  Well that's an assumption. I am friends with Aunt Donna on FB & Carrie on FB.  1st time I talked to Aunt Donna was maybe 6 months ago.  I do not have email or phone numbers for Carrie & Trish.  D&D are no longer marked...not that that means anything to me anymore but don't know what you know.  Love you sis!

[My prayer:  Lord please help me to show your love to her through this!]

a true friend

comparison of faiths

Since January 2012, I have been traveling weekly to a clients office and I stay in a hotel not even a mile from the office.  I typically eat dinner at the same Italian restaurant, Roma's.  Why?  Because they treat me well!!!  They serve dinner until 9.30pm...no matter what time I come in, even if it is 5 minutes until closing, they will seat me and are kind and don't act in a hurry.  They fix whatever I want over veggies and omit the pasta.  If they are a BYOB place, however, because they know I travel and I don't want to buy a bottle and drink the whole thing by myself, they will give me a glass if they have some - on the house!  They are interested in how my work project is going and how life is with me.  The owner will sit and discuss business, employee issues, family and life with me.  The waitresses are sweet...they all take really good care of me!!!  And let me not forget to mention that their food is delicious! Absolutely yummy!!!

Tonight, I had to opportunity to make an observation of the people eating there.  As I walked in an Amish couple with a young kid and probably a mother or mother in law were making their way out of the restaurant.  As they were walking out, each of the adults looked me up and down and I could sense complete disapproval.  I was a black 3 tiered ruffled skirt with high heels and a dressy creamy white and black shirt that is about the length of my fingertips (actually the one I am wearing in my profile picture in this profile photo of me here on my blog).  I smiled at them.  I got no smile back, only a cold stare and eyes that didn't want to make contact.  I am not sure why, but it really struck me tonight so strongly, but it did...how is it every Amish person I have met is typically like this?  Maybe you have had a different encounter, but I can't remember one.  

Roma's allows you to pick where you want to sit and I usually pick a booth, they are so much more cozy to me then tables.  I opened my menu but really wasn't paying attention.  My mind was on these 4 people I just saw leave the restaurant.  My heart was hurting for the lack of contentment in their faces, for the cold stiff lives they are indebted to feel they must live.  What makes people like that feel so cold to others, whether believers or not, just because they don't dress as they do?  What makes them not be able to show God's love?  What makes them not be rejoicing in the fact their sins are forgiven?  What makes them not be able to radiate being blessed individuals?  Yet at the same time, I had feelings of knowing exactly what this bondage is like.  I have worshiped and met with Christians my entire life who are like this.  They state they don't believe just because you wear pants that you are not a Christian, but the way they treat Christians that do is a complete stark opposite example of that.  They make comments that they have walked away from God because their dress has changed.  They question that they really can be saved, yet they teach that you can't loose your Salvation.  It is a mixed bag of concepts and if you step back and reflect on it all logically, you will find things don't align up.  I have had people say to me, no they really don't Misty, you just think that.  Really?  A message was given a year ago about how their was a lady who was one of the other minister's Mom's and how she wore pants her entire life, painted her nails, wore ear rings but had a close relationship with the Lord and genuinely loved all Christians, maybe even more than those who didn't do those things.  However, when people that no longer meet with this group of Christian's came to the event for Manual and Renee last Saturday Night and wore pants, had painted nails and wore ear rings, the comments made publicly at the meeting the very next day were that this is a slap in God's face, conduct that "we" do not approve of and it was not appreciated.  What?  I thought you said that these things defined your relationship with Christ?  When mixed messages like this are sent out to people, it creates struggles in the hearts and minds of those who truly want to love each other and follow God.  You come away with feeling and believing that your dress is simply what is important.  People's approval is what is important.  Nothing about your relationship with God because these items supersede that.  The relationship with these people is simply and completely about approval.  I didn't used to think so until I stepped back away and dealt with questions, criticism, judgement based off of decisions I made, condemnation over how I have lived my life, and when I started really looking at what God's Word says and doesn't say, what I was taught, what I wasn't taught, what I believed, what I didn't believe, why I believed it, why I didn't believe it, what is carried out in action by others, by me and what God wants me to carry out in action...When you look at it through this lens, you have a whole different viewpoint on what you have always considered "right".

As I was sitting there trying to work through these thoughts in my heart and mind, I overheard conversation at the round table next to my booth.  There were two couples there.  One of the guys was discussing a really good movie that he wanted the other couple to see, Seven Days in Utopia.  [I saw this movie on Netflix during my surgery recovery and it greatly impacted my world!]  Their conversation went on to The History Channel that is showing a Bible Series right now.  In the midst of this, their food was delivered and they prayed before they ate.  They thanked God for His love, the forgiveness of sins, for their time together and His part in their lives and for all the people all over the world.

As I was taking this all in, my heart was Lord, why are all these events happening in a row for me tonight?  What do you want me to learn?  What am I to take away from this? Do you want me to go talk to them?  I felt a sense of a message: "Be Still my child and watch and listen."  I did.

I ordered my food.  Before I received my order, another middle to older aged couple came in with their handicapped daughter.  They sat in the booth next to me with the wheelchair parked at the end.  The man was the most kind to this girl.  She kept trying to say things and he didn't understand what she was saying, yet he kept trying to figure it out.  He did not get impatient.  He did not get irritated.  He laughed when he got it wrong and kept trying.  They ordered.  Their food arrived.  Then he prayed, loud so I could hear the entire thing.  He thanked God for this new house they just got, for it having more storage then the last place and for it accommodating all their needs.  He thanked them that everything had gone smoothly.  He asked that they be a testimony to this community and meet new friends.  He thanked God for the forgiveness of sins and for God's love.  It was not a long prayer, but it was very heartfelt.

At this point, I felt overwhelmed by the sheer contrast of the people I had seen upon arrival who were walking out the door who "looked" like faith believing individuals but that lacked the rejoicing spirit to those who sat in the table and booth next to me that were not dressed and did not look like faith believing individuals, yet their lives clearly were centered around God and His love, His forgiveness, and very apart of their lives!!!

I finished my food in silence and in prayer and headed to the hotel to pray and seek God's direction for the meaning of all this in one evening. I absolutely believe He had one, and though I may not know what it means all yet, I know it is a seed He is working to grow in my life.  God is teaching me lessons and I am overwhelmed by the daily ways He is apart of my life and showing me His ways!  I wish I could blog about all of them...but alas, I don't have that amount of time, but I do plan to try to do as much sharing as I can.  God is very sovereign!  Beyond what I have ever known Him to be!

extreme gratitute

I continue to rejoice!  I am beyond grateful and counting my blessings over and over for the things the Lord has worked out for me lately after several events that have been very challenging and difficult, particularly with the 5 month fight with my Health Insurance with regards to payment processing for the claims related to my surgery back in October 2012.  

God had a plan from the beginning and I have trusted that whatever happened would be the way He wanted it to be.  He knew all the little details.  He knew my Insurance was going to deny payment.  He know that it would take a fight to get it reconsidered.  He knew I had the experience and the skills to provide an effective and successful argument; however it is also very well known that even effective arguments are not won and that in the end this might not be in my favor.  I appreciate Him looking out for me.  Though I have Endometriosis, this was not the final reason we decided to do surgery and therefore for insurance to bundle it all was inappropriate and in the end, I won because I fought with facts and details of my condition and I trusted God to do the rest.  

The Lord truly answers are prayers when we trust Him and let Him answer in His time.  It was not something I figured would end in my favor, but I was determined to try, even if that meant up 3 Levels to get an effective response.  I was going to do it.  I knew in the end, it would take God to do His work on my behalf.  He did.  It only took 2 Levels to reach a favorable decision.

I am daily grateful.

Quotes

When fear knocks, let faith answer the door.
- Joel Osteen

[baggage]

Benefit Dinner for Manual & Renee

Wow!  What a great turnout tonight for the Benefit Dinner in honor of Manual & Renee.  I didn't get to say hi to all of my friends, saw many of them across the room, and others that I never even saw but heard later were there.  It is so hard sometimes in a big group to get around to everyone.  Lots of people from Oklahoma came down, which was really kind of them to make the effort.

For those of you that don't know, Manual has cancer.  Kidney and Lung.  He is set to go to MD Anderson this next week to see what options they might have for him.  Please keep them in your prayers.  This has been a tough journey, but they know they have the Lord with them by their side and that He will work this out according to His Will.  We also know that the Lord hears and answers prayer and that we can make our requests known to Him and He will hear us!  What a blessing that is.

Manual & Renee had all the people that were the closest to them sit at their table.  Many of them were people who no longer meet with the Fort Worth Group of Christians, but who love them dearly and who are very much apart of and involved in their lives.  I was grateful that Manual & Renee did this because it showed who truly are their friends.  They didn't feel the need to have others at their table who they are not close to, only because they "still come to meetings".   You might not understand, but in the situation with a lot of dynamics going on in this assembly, I think it was a needed message regardless of what is said by others.

There were lots and lots of small dollar stuff for the Silent Auction.  As I walked around the room and viewed the items, I wasn't thinking we were going to have the results we did.  I don't mean that in a mean way, I simply didn't see the high bids and wasn't sure we would raise very much, but in the end, it was a good result.  We raised $5K from the dinner itself and $12K in Auction items.  I am sure it was over $17K by the time everyone paid their dues because I know several paid more.  I wasn't going to bid on anything because I have no real needs and have tons of things [truly more than one person needs in a house], however I then thought since I was going to donate some money anyways, if I found some neat items I could just give them as gifts.  In the end, I bid on three items: a cream throw, a cute sign that said Amazing Grace with a flower on it, and a burlap pillow that had the word HOME written across it made by Charlotte Bishop.  I was the highest bidder for the throw.  I was bidding against two individuals for the Amazing Grace sign, and the price kept going up and up.  One of the people who was bidding was very irritated with me for bidding it up.  This person told me at one point to stay away, it was theirs.  I laughed and said, I am not sure I am going to bid more, I need to think about it.  In the end, I did.  The person found me later and said I am going to slit your throat, I want that really bad, you are having way too much fun with this.  I was bewildered.  It is a Silent Auction.  That means you can bid an item up if you want to and pay as much money for it if you want to.  If they want it, they have to pay more then I am willing to pay.  That is how it works.  Why would you be so upset over something like this?  It hurt.  I wasn't doing this to make enemies...and if truth be told, when I initially saw their name on the bidding sheet, I thought it would make a nice birthday gift to them as what I wanted to do for their birthday never worked out with their schedule.  However when the bidding got higher and higher and those things were said to me, it made me just want to keep it because it simply was a lovely item that I loved and really wanted in my house as I knew it would look perfect.  In the end, I wasn't the highest bidder.  However I learned that the person who was had every intention of giving it to me because of how much that message means to me!  Wow!!!  I told them they should have sent me a text message and I wouldn't have continued to keep bidding against them.  LOL!  I am sure that now I have an enemy for sure in the deal with these results.  Ugh.  Regardless of my Silent Auction bidding experience, I am very glad for the results of the evening!  Even though we could have done all that giving without that work.  LOL!!!  I was at a Fund Raiser the first week of January for a Mission Trip to Uganda and $16K was raised in Joshua, TX just by giving hearts who wanted to bless the efforts of God - no meal and no items, simply money.  I was absolutely BLOWN away that this much money could be raised in less than two hours by such a small town!  I truly was disappointed we didn't end the evening in prayer...I have learned how important prayer is, how effective it can be on our lives when we do it, different styles and ways to pray from participating in Bible Study Groups, and it truly would have been a great way to finalize the evening.  I think that would have been an uplifting time to a song that closed the time in sadness, Softly and Tenderly, just didn't seem to be a piece that brought about an uplifting, rejoicing and message of hope to me...but again, it wasn't my picking, it was someone else's.  This is just the observation that I had as I came away from the evening after seeing the family break down crying at this point because of the tone this song left in the air.  I didn't stay long afterwards because I was so beat by staying up so late, much later than I physically can do...though I keep trying to do it, it kills me every time.  I can't do it.  I want to so disparately and keep trying to forge ahead, but the undeniable issues I deal with later are plain awful.  

In the end, I know it was a great opportunity to let Manuel & Renee know how much they are loved!!!  

psalm 9:10

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.
- Psalm 9:10