Day 1 in Franklin

I set my alarm for 9am.  I wanted to try to "sleep in".  Hmmm...not much of a chance at that, body clock alarm up at 7am.  :) I decided not to fight it, but laid in bed, enjoying not having to get up, enjoying the chance to reflect, pray and have my bible reading in bed, in the quiet.  I read John 15 and Hebrews 12.

Got a few texts message from my brother.  

"Hello.  Been waiting for your letter.  After Dad has gone I do not want to talk much unless there is a need.  Everybody seems to be making my life difficult.  And once again I'm sorry I have a life.  Hope that you and who ever you are associating with are having a good time.  May God be with you.  If I am wrong I hurt.  If I am right I get persecuted. I have set my sights on calamity.  I have no other option.  Good day."

As hard as it was to read those words, it is harder to write them and share them with you.  Tried desperately to get him out of his funk.  I asked questions to try to get him to talk.  I told him that I loved him.  I told him that I know that he is depressed.  I told him that I would pray for him.  I gave him references to read [from just where I had been reading, John 15:5-8, amazing how God works, huh???]...I told him I wished I could see him and give him a hug.  So eHug!  

No response.  Or should I say, no favorable response or acknowledgement of what  I said.  Only a reply had I ever read Lamentations.

I knew I had to get moving and go for a walk or the interaction I had had with my brother would start a trend of some negative thoughts, emotions, and memories inside of me.  I needed to be proactive quickly to avoid that.

So I took to the Franklin sidewalks for my daily walk with worship music on Pandora!  I took out of the hotel parking and hung a right.  Learned there is a mall right behind us, and I walked the entire circumference.  Didn't feel this was enough, though it was about 35 minutes of walking, so I took a right at the main drag, which was Mallory Street.  Hmmmmmmm, my brain thought, where have I heard that street before?  I brushed it off, thinking I had merely imagined it, it was just a generic name, nothing I knew of in Franklin.  I walked a block, a then a few more blocks I continued to walk.  I was contemplating now how much further I should walk before I made the u-turn back because I knew that I needed to allow enough time to eat and get ready, and since I hadn't spent much time checking out my surroundings outside the hotel last night, I knew I needed to not assume something was right near the hotel, let alone something that hopefully was on my diet.  This is part of the problem with me not having made any plans ahead of time or researching anything out before hand.  I was truly flying by the seat of my pants, and this is not me!!!  

In the middle of contemplating all this, guess what I ran into on my walk? None other than THE DAVE RAMSEY Building!!! I then felt like a dumb blond.  No wonder I recognized this street name, but the city was Brentwood, not Franklin.  Awwwhhhhh.  It was truly so cool to see, even though most of the parking lot was empty.  I would like to go back later this week and do a tour of the inside.

The Dave Ramsey Building
front entrance

signage at the curb for the entrance into the parking lot

employee break area

Look at the details on this sign...what a way to treat employees! 
Most employers resent "maternity" leave and the consequences that that has to them on their business with staffing situations. 
Dave's lessons have great impact if you apply them. Loved seeing this detail of his business!

Got back to the hotel and grabbed me some food from the re:Fuel.  I had a $5 voucher because of my "green choice hanger" I opted to put out the night before.

In getting ready for my day, I realized I had not brought my hairdryer with me.  I know you say, why would you bother when the hotel has one.  Because without a diffuser, my hair is frizzy.  It's hard to explain, I consider it just plain ugly.  This is what I get for not running through my check list one last time as I always do in packing before I headed out.  I honestly had thought that everything was in my suitcase because I had just gotten home from a business trip the day before, so what could have been taken out.  Well, something important was.

In yesterday's post, you met Michael Easley, Dave Ramsey's Minister that was at the EntreLeadership Masters Series with me in 2009.  He gave a session one of the days from Psalm 101 and applied the principals to business and personal lives.  It was truly an incredible teaching lesson.  When I got home from that trip, I sent him a Thank You note for his contribution to our lives and a book as a Thank You.  He sent me a book to with a handwritten note.  After meeting him and him having made such an impact in my life then, I wanted to experience worshiping at Fellowship Bible Church in Brentwood, TN.  

As I approached the main entrance to the sanctuary, Mr. Easley was standing outside talking to a couple.  I waited, so excited to be able to tell him hello and give him a hug, that I stood there until they finished their conversation.  We chatted for a few minutes and shared in each others lives over connecting again.  He was so warm and friendly...hugged me three times.  I have thankfulness in my heart for being able to be there today and experience it in person here...I Thank God for all the people who have touched my life!!!!!!!



After worship and the message, I walked the grounds took pictures of the fountain and pond and then tried to think about what I wanted to do.  I decided I was starved and needed lunch, but wanted something healthy.  I searched Google for some Sushi and found a place.  And guess what was in the shopping center?  A Target, yah for me...I could get a hairdryer with a diffuser!!!  I bought a few cards for some events coming up and headed back to the hotel.  I considered a nap, but decided to opt to head out to the pool because I could tell from my room that nobody was in it and wanted to make use of that.  I am not fond of swimming with bunches of people.  :)

Wouldn't you agree...doesn't this look inviting?  



It is!  The water was not cold, but not hot like a spa either, which also made the experience refreshing.

I spent the afternoon in this pool area, swam several laps and then curled up in this seating cozyed down with the music they had playing overhead and a book I brought with me that I bought at the Women of Faith Conference a month ago, The Hurt & The Healer by  Bart Millard and Andrew Farley...turned the cell phone off and disengaged from life and retreated to my own little world.

Nobody was here but me!!! It was blissfully sweet!

swan made from a towel

I actually got to see the hotel clerk assemble this...maybe I can try it when I have company the next time?  :)



I have enjoyed spending this time getting the blog up to date so you know what has been going on, but now that I have skipped dinner, I better head out...catch you tomorrow friends!

headed out for a 10 day vacation

Yes, you heard me!  I booked a vacation.  Don't gasp.  I know its difficult to swallow and take a breath after that statement, because its unbelievable that I would do such a thing.  But you are going to have to believe me, because it is true!!! I booked a vacation...and it starts today.

Beyond just booking a vacation, in part of my resolutions made for this year to implement some new patterns and habits, I additionally made a commitment to myself that I would not work while I was away.  That is a loaded commitment.  Why?  Because I have felt the need to still tend to stuff related to work.  I thrive in my work.  I love my work.  I have felt that I really couldn't unplug and though I have always tried, my previous employers and now clients, know my faithfulness to take care of them and know that if they send me something to get done, it will get done.  There are times I have done portions of attempts at this well, but at some point on EVERY single supposed vacation break I have taken, I don't keep to that purpose.  I have promised myself this time will be different.  Though I expect this to be difficult and a challenge that I am going to have to be very focused about my commitment to, I am determined to do it for once.

I made plans a few months ago to do a Strategic Life Plan session with Chris LoCurto.  I learned of Chris when he was working at The Dave Ramsey organization.  I started following his blog and got to met Chris at EntreLeadership Master Series in November 2009.  For memories sake, here is a picture of us at dinner the 3rd night of the event:

L to R back row: Michael Easley [Pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Brentwood, TN - Dave Ramsey's Church], can't remember the name of the guy between us, me, Debbie LoCurto, Chris Locurto
L to R front row: can't remember the name of the lady, Robin Suslick and Dale Suslick
[if you want more photos of this awesome experience...go check out the EntreLeadership Album on my personal Facebook page]

I am a planner.  A detailed planner.  However, with several things going on with clients and in my personal life, I felt I needed to really take a different approach.  I didn't book my hotel on Expedia until this past Monday, 5 days in advance.  I had three ideas of things I wanted to do, but have refused to make definite plans because I do not want to turn this into a project and todolist that must be checked off and completed by a certain time frame.  I feel I need to chill.  Completely chill.  So outside of booking my hotel and coaching session, I have no agenda.

I knew that the drive time was approximately 10 hours to Franklin, TN.  I knew that I couldn't be on the road too late at night or I would start my trip off on the wrong foot and have extreme complications with my Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.  I aimed to leave at 9am, but as the week developed, knew I was going to have a really hard time accomplishing this because of the schedule of work.  I had a business trip Tuesday - Thursday, Friday, I was booked solid from 9am - 4.30pm with clients and then had my weekly acupuncture appointment to complete the week.  I needed to tend to the house, the pool, pay bills, get the car washed, vacuumed and fueled up, do laundry, wash dishes, pack, go by the bank and post office, and I wanted a pedicure.  Typically after each session of acupuncture [there are variables that can change this so I won't say always], I am very relaxed and want to sleep within 2-3 hours following my session.  I knew this was going to make it tough to do my tasks.  I decided all those things were going to get done and I would do my best to leave by 9am the next day, not stay up late the night before my trip and at the same time not leave too late in the day to delay my arrival.  As things ended up, I left the house today at 10.30am doing the bank run and post office on my way out of town.  [In hindsight, I should have packed not just for my business trip but for my vacation and that would have saved out on the stress at the end of the week.  I didn't, but that would be a good lesson to know and do for next time.]  I was on the road by 11am...headed town the highway, jamming to my Kari Jobe CD I bought at Woman of Faith, playing my favorite songs on repeat and then moving to the next one...I called a girlfriend from California and we talked almost an hour and a half.  I miss this chica and it was good to catch up in her world.  I saw her in February of this year, but we really haven't had a good little chat since.  I listed to the CD 3 times before I put in an audio book to listen too:  Good to Great by Jim Collins.

View from Honda Civic cockpit...gorgeous skies! Rocking this solo drive with worship music!!!

Here is the view passing through Memphis:

Memphis, TN

I made it to my hotel at 9pm...this included two 15 minute stops for a stretch, bathroom and gas for my car.  I made really good time...and no, didn't exceed more than 10mph above the speed limit at any point in my journey in case you were going to give me a hard time about being a speedster.

This hotel is lovely!!!  The checkin process was smooth, the staff are nice, the sleek design and no fuss about things is calming, the endless amount of seating to sit and be cozy and lounge around, the layout that is not complicated or confusing, and the details all over this place intrigue me.  Yes, I am spending more than I do for Best Western each week at the only hotel in my clients city, but I also got an awesome deal on Expedia.  I would highly recommend Aloft Nashville - Cool Springs.

I got settled in my room and then decided to walk the grounds and check out the place. I took lots of pictures [which are still on my phone, I could do a whole post on just pictures.]  When you come into the hotel, the "lobby" is all one big open area that includes the seating spots in the section called the re:Mix, the W xyz which is the name of the bar that has some bites you can get, then snacks and food area called the re:Fuel, along with areas to use their computers or to plug in your own.  The hotel is 100% no smoking and they don't mean maybe.  After doing my tour, I felt like I wanted to hang out on Facebook for a bit and see the happenings of my friends...I have been deprived of Facebook this week.  When I do consulting and training sessions with clients for days at a time, I don't get much time to interact with people on my social media.  I was in the middle of this, all curled up on one of these cozy chairs, with my face in my phone, when I got asked to join this guy at playing pool.  I have no idea what my face looked like, but I am sure the incredulous look of "who me" was written all over it!  LOL!!!  I said, ummm, I have never played and hate to tell you this, but I don't know how.  I didn't move from my seat, pretty sure that he wouldn't want some dumb chic that can't play pool to bother trying to act like she can, but he didn't skip a beat and responded, well, sounds to me like a good opportunity to learn because it's not fun to play pool alone, it doesn't work too well that way.  I responded the only way I can learn is if you would be willing teach me.  He said, absolutely, come on.  


Learning to play pool is on my bucket list.  It has always looked to me like a game that had depended on strategy and skill of position and force to know how hard to hit the balls.  I got up and walked over to the pool table, in my mind wondering if he would really teach me.  He didn't waste any time proving to me he would.  He showed me how to hold my hands, how to hold the cue stick, what the purpose is of the cue ball, how to look at which balls are "yours", how to aim for the pockets, how to draw imaginary lines, where to look next, and how to strategize.  He did all this while carrying out the moves of playing the game.  I was impressed.  As things would go, my first ball to hit he said was a complicated one and he didn't give me much hope that I could get it in the pocket.  The honest thing is, he didn't realize who he was dealing with, I love a challenge and if you tell me I can't, I promise I will see if I can.  :)  Don't ask me why, I haven't figured that part out yet about myself.  My first hit, I got the ball in the pocket.  Wish I could say I kept up that winning streak but I didn't.  It didn't take long for him to learn that I was competitive.  Through the course of the game he asked a few questions and I kept my answers basic, not revealing much because you never know about people.  I didn't learn much about him other than his name, what he does for work, and that he has family here. ..all the things I asked.  We were nearly done with our first game when his friend arrived and he took off to hit the town.  I was left to finish the 3 remaining balls by myself.  But I can honestly say that I am thankful for Brad with Oracle who gave me a quick 30 minute lesson on playing pool...who knows when I will have a chance to practice the skill and perfect it further?  

Another bucket list check off!!!  ...and a great way to start a vacation with some fun!

However, it's another one of those times that I am grateful for my wedding band and my I Am Second bracelet.  You can't teach a girl how to play pool without seeing both!  And I mean that literally.  Your left hand is a key part of the game.    

Yes, God rules my world and it will touch yours too if you are apart of it, even for just 30 minutes!


I then got me a glass of Merlot at W xyz [the bar in the hotel] and spent some quiet time before bed in prayer over the week coming up...

Quotes

Money is just a tool.  Take care of your household, future, family tree, and other people
 - Dave Ramsey

The Story behind the Smile

This is the profile picture of me on my business website and canvas print in my home office.

Would you have known that this picture was taken the night after my brother attempted suicide for the 6th time? Would you have dreamed that the bags under my eyes come from tears of sorrow for the pain of life? Would you have known that I was determined to move forward with the creation and update of my website and would not back out of this appointment for anything? Would you dream that behind my smile is the fear of the unknown outcome of my brother’s life? No, you wouldn’t unless you were one of my close friends and knew what had happened.

The point of this blog post:

You never know what is going on in someone’s life…you never know what is being hidden behind their smile. Take time to make their day, you have no clue what battle they are fighting!

Give them a smile, a smile is the prettiest thing you can wear!

[This post is a reprint of The Story behind the Smile posted today at www.medicalaccountsolutions.com/blog...

I thought my personal friends might enjoy the post too as the thought is not just a business related thought, it applies to all relationships.  If you follow my business blog and this is a duplicate post for you, I apologize.] 

song ~ these things take time

These Things Take TimeSanctus Real

I wanna know why pain makes me strongerI wanna know why good men dieWhy am I so afraid of the darkBut I stray from the light?
I wanna know why You gave me eyesWhen faith is how I seeAnd tell me is it easier to doubtOr harder to believe?
Oh, there's so many questions stirring in me
And I wonder whySometimes the truth ain't easy to find?I wanna know all the answersBut I'm learning that these things take timeYeah, these things take time
How could success make us feel like failures?And the harder we fall the harder we tryThe more I have the more I needJust to feel like I'm getting by
Oh, there's so many questions and one short life
And I'm wondering whySometimes the truth ain't easy to findI wanna know all the answersBut I'm learning that these things take timeYeah, these things take time
And we spend so much time chasing our tailsHoping to find every last answer to everything in lifeSo many questions, not enough time
But I'm still wondering whySometimes the truth ain't easy to findI wanna know all the answersBut I'm learning that these things take timeYeah, these things take time
Hey, we all wanna understand whyEvil lives and good men dieOn the way to Heaven the truth unwindsThese things take timeThese things take timeYeah, these things take time

God's view of your Story

God views your life the way you view a movie after you've read the book. When something bad happens, everyone else gasps. Not you. You've read the book.  

God views your life with the same confidence. He's not only read your story; He wrote it.

- Max Lucado

Quotes

Quotes

Some people will only love you as long as you fit in their box. Don't be afraid to disappoint them. 
- Lecrae

comfort in the midst of pain

Whenever you face strong moments of grief and pain, you have to find ways to get through it.  I share some of mine from the last few weeks.


lyrics from Hold On by Toby Mac:
Let a brand new day wash over you, wanna see you smiling girl...So baby hold on, just another day or two...To the One's that holding you!


text from a girlfriend:
You are awesome!!! And I love you and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you!!!  [yes, this produced tears...I have a really hard time being told I am awesome, I feel anything but]


words from my business attorney on a post on my FB Page:
Misty is such a seeker of the word and she shares her struggles and thoughts with her friends to help us with our own faith. She is a great friend and encourager. 



lyrics from One Desire by Kari Jobe:
in your presence Lord, I will find my strength, you're the breath in me, you're my everything, with my heart bowed low and my hands held high...you're my one desire!
[this song speaks my heart so well right now because GOD is my ONE DESIRE...]


an FB message from a friend who nominated me for an award and she wanted me to know what she said [it is supposed to be a surprise if I win - so I promised I would be]:

I really could have nominated Misty for all three categories. She's just that good!

On a professional level, she is hardworking, professional, and takes extreme pride in making sure that her work is done accurately and to the satisfaction of her clients.

Misty has been a personal inspiration to me both as a friend and as a business owner. We've have spent many hours together discussing business, and she has taught me a lot about what it takes to be a successful business owner. And, as busy as she is running her business, she always takes time out to help her friends and to network to help other people's businesses thrive. Her spirit of generosity and giving is contagious!

But I mainly nominated Misty for her spiritual influence. I knew when I met Misty that we were both Christ-followers, and I liked that about her. This year, Misty has been going through a personal journey that has led her to place her trust solely in God, and to understand that no matter what the circumstances, He is using her to be a light to other people and an inspiration. And she is an inspiration to all who have the pleasure of calling her a friend!

quote from Donald Miller:
I've rarely experienced a set back that didn't prove to be a pruning bearing more fruit in the end. It almost always works that way.

a post requesting for prayer and the number of comments made and prayer petitions by my prayer warriors...

an email from my counselor:  
I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I have been thinking about you throughout the week and when your name comes across my thoughts, I just begin praying for you.  I know how hard this part is and I just pray that God opens the door for healing in a way that you have not felt or known before.  You are amazingly strong.  You are working through something that many many women would not dare to out of fear. You have stared fear in the face and have not backed down.  Amazing! Hang in there and know that I'm here and will continue to pray for you!
Blessings

reflections on the song The Hurt & The Healer and graphics the way it was done at the  Women of Faith conference by Mercy Me...

my unfailing love for you will not be shaken - Isaiah 54:10

...and more, these are just a few of the ways God has used people in my life to encourage, support and help me during difficult days.

Counseling Session #12

We finished the most horrific part of My Story.  The story of when I was 17 is over!!!  

Through telling My Story, I am learning that what I experienced has truly shaped me, my personality, my expectations, my fears, my hopes, my outlook on life - God - people - business, my friendships and relationship, has created my determination, has affected me dramatically in who I am today, why I think the way I do, why I react the way I do, why I am who I am...why I have trust issues.

Through it, I am learning that the more I accept it as My Story, not allowing myself to shove it away by trying to make it a separate person from me, not avoiding the pain that is in My Story, I am enabled to live more completely.  

I never would have dreamed I wasn't accepting of My Story, but through this process, that's what I have learned.

I am learning by being vulnerable in a way I have never been before, I can face and accept the truth of my life, not the lies.  I can be bold and call it what it was, because God does.  It was abuse.  Full fledge horrific ugly abuse.  It was rape.

The source of all pain is the avoidance of legitimate pain. - Layne

Quotes

Why do you use Social Media?

As a society that has created a social platform online, I find it interesting the reasons why people use it, how the patterns vary, and what people expect to get out of it. I like to study them to learn what qualities I want to build in my Social Media presence.

I find a common thread that people want to be followed, but are not interested in following you back. They want you to comment on their post, but are not interested in engaging back. Is what you have to say more important than what I have to say?

To me, the online social presence shouldn't be any different then your offline social presence. Do you have friendships just to be a one way street? Do you engage with people only to have a bunch of friends but not be a friend? Are you a giver or just a taker?

Why do we look at the online presence different then the offline? If God views what you think in your heart the same as what comes out of your mouth, why is more importance put on the online vs the offline?

If we really kept in mind that people do business with people they know, like, and trust...wouldn't that impact how we interacted a lot more?

If we remember that if you help enough people get what they want, they will help you get what you want, don't you think it would make a difference in how you interacted on Social Media?  What if we kept in focus that every person out there wants happiness, meaning, and significance...would this change how we interacted with them?  Would we spend more time encouraging and uplifting others?

So my question to you today is: What is your purpose in creating a Social Media presence?  Make it intentional!

Quotes

Life works when you live it God's Way.
 - Dave Ramsey

Counseling Session #11

Before my session today, I texted several of my prayer warrrior's and said: 
Can you please pray for me?  

I also posted on Facebook asking: 
Can I ask you to please pray for me? Today is going to be a challenging day.

We are at the hardest part of my story.  The part that is gut wrenching more than anything else in my life.  The part of my story that nobody has ever heard all the details on, details that to this day I can remember vividly, very vividly.  Details that are so very hard to talk write about, talk about, hear read to me, let alone discuss.  I had written 5 pages since my last session...we made it through half of it today, and I wished I didn't have to listen.  

This was so hard!!!

I had written most of what I presented today, two weeks ago after Counseling Session #9, the days before my Woman of Faith Conference.  Now you know why the nuggets the opening night were so incredibly moving to me and why I knew God had a message just for me...because I was struggling at feeling my story mattered.  Now you know why one of the speakers, Christine Cain, the story she shared and her message to us ladies rocked my world.  God's timing is amazing!!!  I was in the middle of writing this part of my story before attending that event and it was used in my life to inspire me to continue to write.

After learning more of my story, my counselor told me that most people are not going to be able to understand or relate to the pain I know.  They are not going to relate to a life with no options.  This hurts me.  I want people to understand.  I don't want to be considered different.  Some people will be able to relate part of my story with not being cared about or invested in, because they have experienced this.  

In spite of my story, my counselor shared the following [and some other things that I can't share on the blog] and reminded me:

• You did not let this stop you...you choose not to be a victim.
• What you faced has made you have a stronger relationship with God.
• You relate to real hurting people in a way others cannot.
• You continue to keep going.
• You are the biggest encourager to other people.
• You have extreme courage.
• You are amazing. [ugh if she only know how I desperately I don't feel so amazing!!!]
• You stand up and take your pain.
• You could have turned into your mother.
• You could have chosen to live on disability like your brother [though she believes without having ever met him he has a reason to be to some degree].
• You could have turned against God.
• You could have hated his people because of what happened.
• You could have gotten bitter.
• You could have been a hermit.
• You could have been a million things you are not.
• God will never wastes an opportunity. [And I was reminded of this this morning during the walk at the track with one of my favorite songs Nothing Wasted by Jason Gray.] 
• What happened to you was not good, but it has good.  Romans 8:28.  Ephesians 3:20.
• God's not done with you!

The goal this week is to touch the pain and grieve it.  Feeling sorry for yourself is a lifestyle, but grieving is stating what happened was horrible and I wish it could have been different.  

I also have to do more homework, continuing to tell my story, because it is not over...I pray that there will only be a few more weeks of this gut wrenching pain because it is making me sick.

Quotes

God is in control of our circumstances but He left us in charge of our choices. To learn how to choose wisely, well & wholeheartedly, we need to hear His word daily, hide it in our heart & heed its command.
 - Peter Rahme

mustache party

Mustache Party
surprise party for Jonathan's 55th Birthday

Quotes

I fear telling m y s t o r y

This post isn't going to be easy.  This post is going to take courage to write.  No doubt you will learn a side of me through this post you have not seen before because I am going to be vulnerable, in writing my thoughts.

You may remember that I had an incident with a client back in March 2013.  As I stated then, this rocked my world in a way I never dreamed possible.  I dealt with it and did my best to move forward through the emotional mess it created in me, through the nightmares that followed, through the feelings of being back in my childhood with no way out, through the memories I wished I could forget, through the heartache and pain that the situation brought.  I continued to persevere.  Until I realized, I needed help to work through this.  I needed healing.  This began my search for a counselor.  I found one and then it got put on hold because she went into the hospital for pregnancy complications.  I began the process of professional therapy June 3rd.

I shared why I wanted counseling and what I wanted to get out of counseling and what I didn't want counseling to be.  I am not doing counseling for a venting session or to hear myself talk.  I am not doing counseling to be told it is okay to feel the way I feel or that my feelings are justified or that what I experienced was horrible or any other common comment.  I am definitely not doing counseling to prove a point.  I am doing counseling because I have been told by many people over the last 16 years that I should do it and that I would find it helpful, but the only thing that launched me truly doing this was something I never expected to experience with a client who paid for my services.  This was a stark shock of reality to me and I wasn't prepared to have to deal with feelings, memories or nightmares from events in my childhood.  I thought I had worked through things, I thought I had "moved on" if you will.  But the realization came clearly that I hadn't to the degree I needed to.  I now want to move past this as much as I can to let the things I have experienced be used in my life as God wants them to be and not hold me back from growing and blossoming more into the woman God has called me to be! 

I get asked, "How long will you do counseling?"  The answer is, "I don't know."  And if you want to know, I am not trying to figure that out either.  When its been enough, I will know.

I get told, "I bet is helpful to tell your story."  The truthful and honest answer is, "I don't feel that it has helped anything yet."

I get told, "I am sure with time it gets easier."  The answer is, "In reality, each session has gotten harder, not easier, though some sessions have been harder than others."

I get told, "I bet it is comforting to know that what you went through in your counselor's eyes is awful."  The answer is, "No, that truly is not comforting.  I know it was awful, you don't have to tell me it was, I remember very vividly how awful!  If you only know how much I want to forget."

Each week I have things to think about following my session.  Each week I have homework to complete, sometimes more than one assignment, but I always have the ongoing assignment of writing out my story.  As I prepare for each session I have to wade through the memories that flood my mind and heart as I write out my story.  It is a process to do this.  I then have to face the reality of the situation, seeing the words that have been written out, in plain black and white ink.  I have to face the truth told right before my eyes, I can't pretend its a dream.  I can't ignore it, it stares right back at me.  Each session I then have to face sitting down and presenting my homework to my counselor in which she then reads my story to me, sometimes she asks questions, sometimes we discuss  a point further, sometimes she tries to get me to talk more about my story then I have written.  As I hear her read my story, it is very hard to believe sometimes that all this was my life.  Its hard to swallow the details.  Its hard to believe this isn't someone else's nightmare.  

Who would want to read this story?  Who would care the results of this story?  Who would believe this story?

Each week I have to face my fears and continue on my mission to tell my story.  The more I continue on this mission, the more I find and feel that fear is increased, more fear than I anticipated having.  How can this be?  What can I be afraid of?  Why does fear take over the feelings I have of wanting to be healed?  Why does the reality of my situation create such fear in me?  The details haven't changed.  The facts remain.  The truth is now being told.  How can I dispel the fear?  What can I do to make it go away?  

If I only knew.

Quotes

View it through a proper biblical lens, you can beat the horrible messages of our culture.  Don't be afraid to win for the right reasons!
 - Dave Ramsey

song ~ one drop

One Drop
by Plumb

I need you and you need me
Left alone we will never be who we could be
So take my hand and don't forget
We can do anything together!

Chorus: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving it all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Come with me now, look and see how
There's an ocean overflowing with our hopes!
So let's jump in and take a swim
It's, you and me yeah, forever!

Chorus: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving it all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I need you and you need me
We can do anything together!

Chorus: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving it all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Quotes