{taking} a break.

Life has been strange.  It has been hard to figure out.  It has been difficult to transition through some of the changes. 

I made progress on my counseling up until my trip to Tennessee.  Upon returning and resuming this past month, I can't seem to get back on track.  I haven't wanted to quit because of what I feel still has left to be done.  But my heart isn't in it.  

Is it just because I am exhausted?  Is it because I am not feeling well?  Maybe.  This is one of the worst times of the year for allergies.  I was sick for 2.5 weeks...and though I am not coughing like I was, I can't sleep at night for the extreme effect my allergies are having on my breathing, even with an inhaler.  We are at week 6 or 7 like this...and we will be until the cold snap hits and kills this mess.  Extreme allergies make one feel utterly exhausted, all the time, even after some sleep.  On top of that, the hormones have decided to take a new turn since nearing the one year mark.  They have not followed any normal pattern and I am not scheduled for an appointment for 3 more months.

I keep pressing on, knowing that in time, the Lord will bring answers, direction, help to what I am facing, but for now, they aren't there.  That usually means He is asking me to be patient and trust Him.  

I keep focusing on what is important, what the end goal is, trying to make it through the days, trying to cope, but inwardly feel I am falling apart.  I am easily discouraged.  Even with my mission and focus on allowing no stress in, it still is there.  The thought of running away to somewhere unknown is enticing.

Am I just burned out?  Or is it that I am discouraged?  

If I step back and assess, I know God loves me but right now He feels far away.  I don't feel as I felt a few weeks ago.

I know He has a plan through all that has transpired this year in my personal life and I absolutely know all this is working in me for the next part of the plan.  I just don't seem to be aligning the pieces very well to understand this picture.

I need some time to reflect more and pray.  

For now, anything that can be cut out  - Facebook, emailing, extra things beyond the basics life requires or that are already on the books - will be until I can manage the feelings I am working through and have a clearer image of where God wants me to be.

Quotes

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
 - Dale Carnegie

my life purpose [right now]

My goal is to live in the present, embracing the work God is doing in my life, however hard it may be, wherever the path may take me. 

What are His plans? What is His dream for me? What assignment does He have for me? 

I only know that I don't want to waste any time. I want to enjoy the fruitful, meaningful life God designed me to live...completely. 

I want to lead with love and courage.

Quotes

Who you are...what you do cannot be hidden. The past will make you depressed...that's why Jesus died for you. We have hope in the resurrection. Have joy and peace living in the moment!!! 
- Jase Robertson, Duck Dynasty

[keep calm]

1 Year Post Surgery

Today is my anniversary.  It's been a year, One Full Year, since Surgery.

You might think me crazy.  You might not understand.  But if I could explain to you why I will celebrate, you undoubtedly would celebrate with me too!!!

Without listing all the positive reasons why this has been a huge blessing in my life and bore you with details that would make you shake your head...just trust me when I tell you that I am blessed.  Even if I have challenges yet to get things aligned to be the new me, I am blessed!!!

Quotes

Too many times the world knows who/what we are against and not who/what we are for.
 - Roger Frankhauser

Quotes

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ Robert A Heinlein

Counseling Session #17

I went to counseling, frustrated with myself, as I had not done my homework, yet again.  My counselor decided we would do it together, during today's session.

I made a list of Negative Characteristics of my Dad.

I made a list of Negative Characteristics of my Mom.

I made a list of Positive Characteristics of my Dad.

I made a list of Positive Characteristics of my Mom.

I then made a statement of What I wanted and needed most as a child was:

I reviewed and described Positive Events and my Feelings and Reactions to them.

I reviewed and described Negative Events and my Feelings and Reactions to them.

Assessment:

• I always go to blaming myself.  My counselor questioned me, is that rational?
• I am not the reason my parents treated me this way, but I continue to feel and believe that.
• My counselor reminded me yet again how abnormal my home life was.  This is very hard to accept.

I Corinthians 16:14

broken can be beautiful...

Quotes

song ~ cries of the city

Cries of the City
Avion Blackman


I woke up early in the morning
The sun was glaring in my eyes
The sirens crying in the city
They're off to save another life

They cry woe, is anybody listening?
They cry woe, does anybody hear?
They cry woe, is anybody listening?
They scream woe, does anybody care?

My next door neighbor has a baby
She is only 6 months old
She cries all night, it drives me crazy
Whenever she's hungry, dirty or she's cold
She cries woe, is anybody listening?
She cries woe, does anybody care?
She cries woe, I need someone's attention
To rescue me from such despair

A million voices in the city
And they're singing the same song
Lonely hearts in desperation
Searching for strength to carry on
You see everyone's longing for affection
It's something we rarely do receive
We just want to be wanted
To be loved, it is all that we need

We cry woe, is anybody listening?
We cry woe, does anybody care?
We cry woe, I need someone to save me
And rescue me from such despair

Is there anybody there to hear them calling?
Is there anybody there to hear them cry?
Is there anybody there to hear them calling?
He is there with you, He is there with you
He is there with you, He hears your cries
He is there with you and He'll never leave you
He is there with you

You see the preacher on the corner
He stands there every afternoon
He reads his Bible and tries to warn ya
That the Lord is coming soon.

Quotes

Counseling Session #16

I didn't do any homework.

I didn't write any more of my story.

I simply made it through the week.  Still working on removing stress.

Today, I was told that I have made significant changes.  I need to realize these.  I don't give myself credit.  I need to focus on all I have accomplished.  I have embraced my story, and told it in the 1st person (which most people can't and won't do)...

I will try to do more story writing this week.  But my heart, at the moment, is not in it.

Quotes

proverbs 16:9

LifePlan Nuggets

It's been a month since LifePlan Coaching with Chris LoCurto.  As I have absorbed the intense two days and reviewed my notes, I have made a list of nuggets, as I do with all forms of extensive training.  I know I need a mentor and I pray that God has someone who will be just the right person for me on this part of my journey.  

List of Nuggets from LifePlan Coaching:

• Unbeknown to me, I really wasn't accepting my childhood and past.
• The feeling I could have done something to change the results of my childhood and past has been permeating my life.
• I have been living with fear I didn't think I had.
• I have had deep fear that the life I had before is somehow going to be repeated.
• The degree at which I feel I am not good enough is tremendous.
• The stress I learned to live with in my childhood is an expectation that I feel I must do and keep up now because it was the norm.
• How the gas pedal and brake concepts affect my life significantly, and the focus needs to be kept at monitoring them.
• The level of abuse in  my life was more significant, a major impact, and very prevalent, much more than I have given it credit.
• I have spent 35 years in a toxic belief system and being controlled.
• Never having been encouraged, told what I did was good, and spending years being punished, I continue to live out those same feelings in everything.  I have lived with feelings of being displeasing and being a disappointment my entire life.  I now think everyone feels the same way about me.
• I have carried over these same concepts to my relationship with God.

The areas I feel that have come to light that need to be spent more time reflecting on are:

• How do I change and feel and see God in my past? Yes, I know in my mind he was there.  How do I go back and feel he was apart of those details (in my heart) like I do in my journey today when I didn't feel or see him then?
• What am I actively doing to live My Life Purpose?
• How do aggressively change the "Not Good Enough" mentality to rid it out of my mode of operating?

God has used Chris greatly in my life.  I feel I have barely got a grasp on my nuggets let alone its impact in my life.  I pray that I can let the concepts work deep down into my feet and become the gal God wants me to be.  He is amazing at how he works and I truly stand in awe.

Thank You big brother Chris!

Quotes

How can you stop a man that won't quit? 
-Tim with movie Unstoppable

Unstoppable

Good overcomes evil! Life overcomes death! Faith overcomes doubt! Light overcomes darkness! Love overcomes hate! 

- Unstoppable, the movie

[really] disappointing news

Remember me telling you that I won tickets from my coach, Chris LoCurto to an event coming up in a little over two weeks that he was going to be speaking at?  

Remember that I was one excited happy chic???  Yah, I was ONE HAPPY CHIC!!!

Why?  I was going to get to hear Seth Godin speak (until a week ago when he was removed from the lineup).  I was going to get to hear Chris LoCurto speak.  I was going to get to hear Deanna Robinson speak.  There were 27 other speakers set up to speak!!!  I know Seth and Chris, I have never met Deanna...I stumbled across her on Facebook and liked her business page, she sent me a personal friend request when she learned I was an EntreLeadership Alumni attendee...just two weeks before winning this ticket from Chris.  Accident?  No, that's not how my God works.

Well, today I got to be one frustrated, discourage, upset and disappointed chic.  For reals.  I got notified via email that the EWRoadtrip 2013 Event got canceled.  I had already been proactive and booked my airline ticket, two extra hotel nights (to make traveling accommodations better for me since the event went until 5pm the last day and to not fly home on Sunday, one of the most costly travel days in my search), along with a rental car.  Due to being the Miss Penny Pincher that I am, I had purchased non refundable, non transferable, non changeable stuff.  Yah, but it still was a lot of money!!!  $716.88 to be exact.  The email offered a $100 Visa Card as a voucher or to attend the event in 2014.  Hmmmmmmm...lose $616.88???  Not exactly a comforting thought.  

It's just money?  

No, it's not just money.  It's hard earned money, and I was going to be taking 6 days off work for this Business Conference, just 6 weeks after being gone to Franklin, TN for 10 days.  You think this wasn't a decision made with no impact on my clients?  It had great impact.  I felt it was something I should do.  I felt God wanted me to go. I felt it wasn't an accident that I got a free ticket.

But now it got canceled...so what does that mean now God?

I don't know.  He does.  I don't.  But I also know I don't have to.  I just have to simply trust His plan.

I posted my situation on Facebook.  I then launched into and spent 3 hours pursuing options with Priceline...Expedia...emails to my coach...phone calls to EWRoadtrip...

Deanna sent me a private message that read:  
"Please don't despair, there are a lot of us in your situation. If you'd like to talk, please reach out." and she included her phone number.  

I wrote her back:
"Oh Deanna...you are so kind!  I just don't understand God's plan in this...I won a ticket from Chris LoCurto and was one excited chic!!!  Now, its just so disappointing.  I will call."

I did just that.  I called her.  

Would the "old Misty" have done this?  No.  What makes you think some chic I have never met would have any "worthy input" for me?  I mean, she probably isn't a Christian for crying out loud.  And she doesn't believe like "us".  

That mentality is LONG GONE!  God has blown me away the last few years with the people he has brought into my path and on my journey.  I no longer look at life the way I used to.  Or people.

We talked 62 minutes and 33 seconds...but could have visited all night!!!  I shared with her my frustrations.  The feelings of excitement to have won a ticket and now to have the conference called off.  How I do not understanding God's plan in all this.  She believes crap happens and that this isn't necessary God's doing.  [Though that might be true...I am not sold on that topic.  It's something I am still studying out and will blog about more later, though I have some already.]  She shared her frustrations with this event and things she did anyways instead of listening to that still small voice inside of her that told her to back out.  She is having to learn hard lessons; she is getting zero back from this event.  She encouraged me if I am going to be offered any funds, to take what I can get, unless I want to make the trip, but encouraged me not to feel pressured into doing so.  This deal did not have to be canceled.  [Wow. Not the message I received from the host of the event.]  She referred excellent people to be speakers to this event, and now with the way things have turned out, feels like egg is on her face.  She shared short nuggets of her story with me, told me that she has even written Bible Studies, and encouraged me to Praise God in it!   She nudged me with a reminder, from sharing part of her story, to have the attitude she has developed through the things she has faced: "I get to..." not the negative things we think when things happen.  She told me about an event in January 2014 that she would highly recommend I go to for what I was looking for in this event.

A mistake all this is happening?  You think so?  So what's the chance of her seeing my post at the time she did?  Freak incident?  Really?  

Nope, not with my God!  He is in all the details.  Promise!!!