psalm 139:1-3

donation of time and skills for charity

spent the day making childrens pillowcases for Cook Children's Hospital
...and squeezed in some Aunt Misty time too!

living so your life matters

Your fingerprints are all over the world around you – offering perspective that only you can, healing hurts that only you can, shaping the future as only you can. 
- Chance Scoggins

[read full post here: http://www.chancescoggins.com/living-so-your-life-matters]

why do I {we} not learn lessons?

I wanted to share a conversation the other day with a girlfriend.  

She was sharing with me her frustrations with herself that she doesn't seem to get these lessons, lessons she feels she should know and not have to repeat.  The lesson about giving it all to God, not trying to take it back into her own hands.  The lessons of not thinking that it is all required on her to do and that God won't help.  Those kinds of lessons.

I understand being frustrated with yourself when you feel you should get a lesson, or berating yourself because by now should have gotten a lesson.  However I shared a thought with her that she found interesting, so I share with you...in case you do this same thing or have these same thoughts.

As we are little kids, we are taught that if we just try, we can.  If we just take that first step, we can walk.  If we just try, we can learn to read, write, play an instrument, speak a hard word, make cookies, go sit on granpa and granma's lap, etc.  We are not taught, you must pray about this and God will give you strength to take your first step.  We are taught we are capable, if we will just do it.  We are taught that it depends on us to get something done.  We get told, "Try to do it on your own and if you can't, then call me."   We are taught to seek help from ourselves first before we seek help from others.

Please don't mistake me.  We are capable!  God designed us to be.  And I believe He absolutely wants us to be!!!  He created us in His image and we are reflections of Him.  There are also aspects of teaching and learning that you must be shoved out to ride that bike on your own or you will be dependent on others and never learn the art of riding a bike.  

But our first instinct is not to seek God.  It is to fix it ourselves. To make a plan on our own.  To forge ahead without seeking Him to guide us.  This is what takes learning.  This is where we face lessons to learn what it means to seek God and to trust Him.  And to listen to His Spirit communicate with ours.  Does that mean we sit back and do nothing?  No, I don't believe that is what it means either.  It is a balance.  To pray and create that relationship with Him over everything.  To trust that He has my absolute best desire at heart and is going to work all the details out that will be My Story and fit My Journey, even if I don't consider it good, it will be worked out for good.

Maybe you are one of those parents that teach this not only as an example but in instruction in the growing and learning years to your child.  I only can tell you, I wasn't taught such things.  I have had to learn the hard way.  

I am working at not being frustrated with myself for these lessons.  Blaming myself doesn't make it easier.  Being negative doesn't make the battle go away.  Just as a teacher has to reinforce the concepts to us during our years of schooling, I am having to reinforce these principles daily, repeatedly, relentlessly, in my walk.  

Some of these lessons will be tests.  I will fail.  But I pray I learn and that I grow stronger as I develop the character God is building in me.

Psalm 31:14 
But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God." [NIV]

Quotes

Give it all to God. You have a plan...but God wants to use you. Be strong and courageous. Don't be discouraged by the size of the task. Because God is with you!!! 
- Britt Nicole

{taking} a break.

Life has been strange.  It has been hard to figure out.  It has been difficult to transition through some of the changes. 

I made progress on my counseling up until my trip to Tennessee.  Upon returning and resuming this past month, I can't seem to get back on track.  I haven't wanted to quit because of what I feel still has left to be done.  But my heart isn't in it.  

Is it just because I am exhausted?  Is it because I am not feeling well?  Maybe.  This is one of the worst times of the year for allergies.  I was sick for 2.5 weeks...and though I am not coughing like I was, I can't sleep at night for the extreme effect my allergies are having on my breathing, even with an inhaler.  We are at week 6 or 7 like this...and we will be until the cold snap hits and kills this mess.  Extreme allergies make one feel utterly exhausted, all the time, even after some sleep.  On top of that, the hormones have decided to take a new turn since nearing the one year mark.  They have not followed any normal pattern and I am not scheduled for an appointment for 3 more months.

I keep pressing on, knowing that in time, the Lord will bring answers, direction, help to what I am facing, but for now, they aren't there.  That usually means He is asking me to be patient and trust Him.  

I keep focusing on what is important, what the end goal is, trying to make it through the days, trying to cope, but inwardly feel I am falling apart.  I am easily discouraged.  Even with my mission and focus on allowing no stress in, it still is there.  The thought of running away to somewhere unknown is enticing.

Am I just burned out?  Or is it that I am discouraged?  

If I step back and assess, I know God loves me but right now He feels far away.  I don't feel as I felt a few weeks ago.

I know He has a plan through all that has transpired this year in my personal life and I absolutely know all this is working in me for the next part of the plan.  I just don't seem to be aligning the pieces very well to understand this picture.

I need some time to reflect more and pray.  

For now, anything that can be cut out  - Facebook, emailing, extra things beyond the basics life requires or that are already on the books - will be until I can manage the feelings I am working through and have a clearer image of where God wants me to be.

Quotes

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
 - Dale Carnegie

my life purpose [right now]

My goal is to live in the present, embracing the work God is doing in my life, however hard it may be, wherever the path may take me. 

What are His plans? What is His dream for me? What assignment does He have for me? 

I only know that I don't want to waste any time. I want to enjoy the fruitful, meaningful life God designed me to live...completely. 

I want to lead with love and courage.

Quotes

Who you are...what you do cannot be hidden. The past will make you depressed...that's why Jesus died for you. We have hope in the resurrection. Have joy and peace living in the moment!!! 
- Jase Robertson, Duck Dynasty

[keep calm]

1 Year Post Surgery

Today is my anniversary.  It's been a year, One Full Year, since Surgery.

You might think me crazy.  You might not understand.  But if I could explain to you why I will celebrate, you undoubtedly would celebrate with me too!!!

Without listing all the positive reasons why this has been a huge blessing in my life and bore you with details that would make you shake your head...just trust me when I tell you that I am blessed.  Even if I have challenges yet to get things aligned to be the new me, I am blessed!!!

Quotes

Too many times the world knows who/what we are against and not who/what we are for.
 - Roger Frankhauser

Quotes

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ Robert A Heinlein

Counseling Session #17

I went to counseling, frustrated with myself, as I had not done my homework, yet again.  My counselor decided we would do it together, during today's session.

I made a list of Negative Characteristics of my Dad.

I made a list of Negative Characteristics of my Mom.

I made a list of Positive Characteristics of my Dad.

I made a list of Positive Characteristics of my Mom.

I then made a statement of What I wanted and needed most as a child was:

I reviewed and described Positive Events and my Feelings and Reactions to them.

I reviewed and described Negative Events and my Feelings and Reactions to them.

Assessment:

• I always go to blaming myself.  My counselor questioned me, is that rational?
• I am not the reason my parents treated me this way, but I continue to feel and believe that.
• My counselor reminded me yet again how abnormal my home life was.  This is very hard to accept.

I Corinthians 16:14

broken can be beautiful...

Quotes

song ~ cries of the city

Cries of the City
Avion Blackman


I woke up early in the morning
The sun was glaring in my eyes
The sirens crying in the city
They're off to save another life

They cry woe, is anybody listening?
They cry woe, does anybody hear?
They cry woe, is anybody listening?
They scream woe, does anybody care?

My next door neighbor has a baby
She is only 6 months old
She cries all night, it drives me crazy
Whenever she's hungry, dirty or she's cold
She cries woe, is anybody listening?
She cries woe, does anybody care?
She cries woe, I need someone's attention
To rescue me from such despair

A million voices in the city
And they're singing the same song
Lonely hearts in desperation
Searching for strength to carry on
You see everyone's longing for affection
It's something we rarely do receive
We just want to be wanted
To be loved, it is all that we need

We cry woe, is anybody listening?
We cry woe, does anybody care?
We cry woe, I need someone to save me
And rescue me from such despair

Is there anybody there to hear them calling?
Is there anybody there to hear them cry?
Is there anybody there to hear them calling?
He is there with you, He is there with you
He is there with you, He hears your cries
He is there with you and He'll never leave you
He is there with you

You see the preacher on the corner
He stands there every afternoon
He reads his Bible and tries to warn ya
That the Lord is coming soon.

Quotes

Counseling Session #16

I didn't do any homework.

I didn't write any more of my story.

I simply made it through the week.  Still working on removing stress.

Today, I was told that I have made significant changes.  I need to realize these.  I don't give myself credit.  I need to focus on all I have accomplished.  I have embraced my story, and told it in the 1st person (which most people can't and won't do)...

I will try to do more story writing this week.  But my heart, at the moment, is not in it.

Quotes