Positive Challenge Day 6

I was offered a challenge by Sheila Tucker [and now Sheri Griffin too] to post three positives for seven days, tagging three friends each day, asking them to do the same. 

Day 6
#1: Being the VIP Winner of an experience with iBloom in August 2014!
#2: The power of coaching, masterminds, and strategic business partners.
#3: The renewed focus to not loose heart, stay connected and spend time pursuing my passion!

I now choose 3 people of Day 6 to share: Kelly Thorne Gore, Lori Burrell, and Dawn Shafer Wilkerson!

Quotes

The Burden of the Past is removed through the Forgiveness of God. The Anxiety of the Future is eliminated through the Trust of God. The Opportunity of the Present is seized through the Capacity of God.
- Wes Sargent

Positive Challenge Day 5

I was offered a challenge by Sheila Tucker to post three positives for seven days, tagging three friends each day, asking them to do the same. 

Day 5
#1: The chance to write a book to share My Story.
#2: The power of embracing My Story.
#3: The growth this process has brought in my life the last two years.

I now choose 3 people of Day 5 to share: Sheila Harp,Richard Kral, and Keith Long.

Positive Challenge Day 4

I was offered a challenge by Sheila Tucker to post three positives for seven days, tagging three friends each day, asking them to do the same. 

Day 4
#1: 10 years of Medical Account Solutions being in business [as of June 2014].
#2: The ability to use my skills and bring results to my clients.
#3: The challenges and opportunities that come by being an entrepreneur.

I now choose 3 people of Day 4 to share: Diane Cunningham, Coralee Flug, and Andria R Bicknell.

Quotes

You can tell you're on the road to success; it's uphill all the way.
- Paul Harvey

Positive Challenge Day 3

I was offered a challenge by Sheila Tucker to post three positives for seven days, tagging three friends each day, asking them to do the same. 

Day 3
#1: The freedom to worship in so many different "churches".
#2: To love and experience my God outside of a box.
#3: The power of prayer.

I now choose 3 people of Day 3 to share: Sarah Rhoden, Miki Aaron, andSusan Huddleston.

Positive Challenge Day 2

I was offered a challenge by Sheila Tucker to post three positives for seven days, tagging three friends each day, asking them to do the same.

Day 2
#1: Beyond blessed to have attended LIVE BIG January 2014 and March 2014 and learned some great tools at breaking through barriers, lies and my past to move forward with creating the life I want.
#2: Had two incredible LiveBIG Accountability Buddies, Brandee Thornton Burt & Debbie Loosle Abbott, that have inspired me, encouraged me, supported me, and challenged me in this growth process.
#3: The 3 incredible coaches I have had this year that have dramatically made an impact in my world, Gerald Rogers, Tony Litster, and Marci Lock!

I now choose 3 people of Day 2 to share: Misty Dean Thompson, Anthony Fowler, and JoDell Davidson.

Positive Challenge Day 1

I was offered a challenge by Sheila Tucker to post three positives for seven days, tagging three friends each day, asking them to do the same. 

Day 1 
#1: Beyond grateful for the loving, supportive, encouraging inner circle of friends I have. 
#2: Thankful for technology that lets me interact with these friends all over the world. 
#3: To remember that our worlds affect each other and the ripple effect of one life into another's is sometime subtle and sometimes substantial.

I now choose 3 people of Day 1 to share: Amanda Moseley, Heather Tarwater, and Elli Troyer.

Dating Lessons: Giver or Taker?

In dating, you will experience various relationships and interactions that will show if this person is a Giver or a Taker.

What kind of a relationship do you want?  What kind of qualities do you feel make the best relationship?  

How much should one be Giving?  How much should one be Taking?

Do you want to invest in someone who isn’t investing in you but taking from you? 

Every relationship takes two people committed to giving more than taking.  Though every relationship is going to have it's moments when one person is taking and the other person is giving, you must figure out what is the pattern.  What is the motive in giving?  What is the motive in taking?  If you don't have a balance and there isn't a heart of wanting to give more than take, you probably are going to have struggles in your relationship which is going to lead to frustrations and difficulties that will affect all aspects of the relationship.  These things will likely lead to a breakdown in the commitment and connection.

You deserve someone who is deserving of you!  Someone who wants to be a Giver in your life!!!  

What qualities do you look for in a Giver?

a prayer

Dear Heavenly Father and most Holy God, 

I thank you that you chose me - you adopted me. You predestined me to be holy and blameless. Help me to live like an adopted son/daughter in Christ.

Amen.

Quotes

Dating Lessons: Truth & Honesty

In dating, one of the critical pieces you are trying to figure out is if a person is honest and truthful.  On all subjects.  

We all have had bad experiences.  We all have faced challenges and hard times.  We all have moments we wish didn't exist in our stories.  We all have things that we are ashamed of, regret, want to erase, don't want to remember, wish we didn't have to discuss, etc.

In learning about a person, you need to know if they will be truthful about everything.  If they will be honest about the tough crap.  If they will be open to discussing it.  If they will be authentic about their mistakes and lessons they have learned.  Or if they hide parts of their story.  

These are things that come through a continual open dialogue of discussions on various subjects.  Many times you have to have multiple conversations on certain topics to make sure you get all the facts and are presented the same story each time and that the story doesn't change based on the questions you ask or the details that come up.  

As one who has spent a good portion of my life having to investigate issues and cross examine to find the errors, through auditing and other formats, I have developed some ways to achieve getting the information and answers you need to problem solve.  One way I have approached questioning a dating potential partner is by stating:  Can you remind me when such and such happened?  I have a very good memory, but I want to make sure you tell me the same time frame a second, third, or fourth time.  I believe people can be effective liars and extremely dishonest.  However, if you approach the topic with the attitude that they are telling the truth until proven otherwise, you will be giving them the opportunity to expose themselves. If you approach the topic that they are lying and you don't believe they are telling the truth, they are going to feel this vibe and its going to feed the character trait they have and make them feel backed in a corner.  It won't give them the feeling you want the answer, whether its the truth or not.

Don't hesitate to cross examine or backtrack to find out more information.  But do so in a loving, caring, and learning method, not one of condemnation or in a critical attitude and you are bound to learn exactly what pieces of information you need to know.  You will be giving them an opportunity to prove if they are trustworthy and honest.  Find ways to bring the answers to this out on the table because the truth cannot be hid.

What skills have you developed to learn the truth and honesty about a person?

Quotes

Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.

Quotes

Dating Lessons: Talk and Walk

Learning about someone takes time.  

You need to be able to have enough encounters with a person to observe what they say and what they do.  If you only pay attention to one or the other, you will not have a balanced perspective of the person.  By giving time and enough incidents, you will be given a chance to learn about someone and let them share with you from their mouth what their heart is and from their actions what their purpose is.  You will be given the chance to see how their talk and their walk align.  

If there is all talk and no walk, then I would begin to question whether you are falling for the words or the man.

Stay true to what they show you.  Out of the mouth the heart speaks.  Out of the actions the true motive is expressed.

What ways have you found to observe someones talk and walk?

Quotes

Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness…It is much better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt with. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred. If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This "ties" him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family (or friendship) you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free.

 - quote from Boundaries by Henry Cloud

we choose happiness

Happiness is a choice. 

It's always a choice, and nobody and nothing can take that choice away from us. 

It's not always easy, because sometimes life is hard and offers us tough challenges, and sometimes we have unconscious people in our life that do things that really hurt us... but even in those moments our choice remains.

We choose what we focus on.

We choose what we say to ourselves.

We choose how we act.

In those choices lie all of our power.

Never give that power away by giving someone else responsibility for your happiness.

-  Gerald Rogers

Quotes

A person who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else believes the smile on your face.

Dating Lessons: Learning in Observation Mode

When you are getting to know someone that you have no connection with and you have no friends who have connections with this person and you know of nobody who knows this person, you in some ways are at a disadvantage for any inside resources to figure out what this person's character is like and get valuable feedback.  I believe it is still a doable situation, just like interviewing applicants for a job, you simply have to increase your scope of questions and observation and be willing to give ample time to situations and history to determine what they truly are like at their core.  You have to approach it knowing that there are added dimension of challenges in getting to know someone.  

So what are some ways I have done this?

In dating, if given the opportunity, meet some of their friends.  See how they interact with people they already have relationships with, people they feel comfortable with, people who are interested in the friendship and well being of the person you are getting to know.  Meet their boss/coworkers/employees and see how they communicate with them.  Do these work family respond in fear or admiration to this person?  How responsive are they to this person?  What messages does their body language display as they greet the person, as they carry on a conversation and have discussions?  Do they talk just about work or life too?  How do they part ways?  Meet some of the family.  See if they are affectionate with each other (for instance give each other hugs).  What do they talk about?  Is the communication loving and responsive, a give and take between both parties, with a genuine interest?  Are they talkative or do they run out of things to discuss?  Are they polite and mannerly, or rude and mean?  When you go out to eat, how does he treat the waiter or waitress?  Does he get angry in traffic?  What sort of things irritate him?  

All these situations give opportunity for you to interact and learn about someone.  These things are subtle ways to observe someone in action and tell about the type of character he has.  Don't think that you are being too observant.  The beginning of a relationship is critical to understanding the personality, beliefs, desires and challenges you will face if you decide to be in a relationship with this person.  You can not ignore the little things because they will be big things later.  

That being said, if a situation is not as you want it to be or you see signs of something that might be an issue, I say make a mental alert note of it and file it in the back of your mind and see if it happens a 2nd or 3rd time. If you see a pattern, then you potentially have something to be concerned about.  If it is a one time incident that doesn't repeat itself, then you probably are safe to say that you got to see that person at a moment when they were not their best but isn't a character flaw.  We all have these times and so I wouldn't rule someone out from one situation or observation, but I also wouldn't be afraid to rule someone out if the one time incident was a significant concern even if you don't see a pattern.  You have to use your best judgement and decipher if the situation needs grace and love or will be something that will negatively affect a relationship.  

I also say don't hesitate to ask questions if something presents itself that you are unsure about.  There is nothing wrong with saying, I saw how you responded to this and I want to know if this is the typical way you react or if you were just stressed in the moment.  Get that person to talk about themselves so you can learn what they think of their actions, what they view on their conduct, and how they react to you questioning them.  All these things give you insight into someones heart and whether the two of you will have the ability to be in a relationship.  If you can't figure out whether it is something you should be concerned about, in my experience, trust that it will show itself in some other form or fashion.  The truth cannot be hid.  Yes, I believe people can be deceitful and portray themselves in a way they are not, but if you are being very intentional about how you get to know this person, the fact of the matter is it will force other things to come to light.

Be observant.  Stay on your toes.  Don't give in to your feelings.  Think things through.  Discuss the situation with others to get their input.  Be open to seeing the truth.

Quotes

Dating Lessons: Asking Questions

I am the Queen of Asking Questions.  

So I get told this often by clients, people I interview for positions either with my company or my clients companies, discussions I have with various contacts I make, vendors and strategic business partners I work with and do negotiations with, etc.  To me, it is a natural and normal thing to ask questions.  The only way you get information many times is to ask what isn't being said or doesn't appear to be obvious.  To inquire and obtain more information than what they put out on the cover.  To be able to get the full details of data that you need to make decisions appropriately.  To understand pieces to the puzzle that you can't figure out without more information.  I am used to doing this and many times am a part of special projects for clients because I am so effective at it.  I never knew how much of a unique characteristic this might be, until I have experienced more of the impact of my questioning recently through online dating.

But I guess for many people its hard.  Instead of learning to ask good questions, they just don't ask questions.  Or they don't like the responses that come from asking questions and the relationship challenges that come from that so they think it is easier to avoid it completely.

In order to be effective at dating, you have to know how to ask questions, in a way that isn't demanding.  Doesn't create an attitude of defensiveness.  Invites someone to open up and share to whatever degree they feel they can.  One that creates dialogue of ongoing communication.  In a manner that creates a connection.  

However, no matter your skill at asking questions, there is always more to learn about it.

In this 3 month experience I have had thus far in online dating, I have found some guys resent questions.  It doesn't matter how you ask them, they don't like them.  Some will just ask you back whatever questions you ask them.  Some just answer your questions without elaborating beyond the answer to your question.  Some don't ask you any questions.  Some guys absolutely love that you ask questions because it gives them something to talk about and helps them keep conversation going.  Some guys ask just as many questions as I ask.  Some guys are intrigued that you want to know all these things about them and love that you ask questions.

To me, I have found the basis of asking questions a critical part of the dating relationship.  It tells a lot about a person.  It tells information about how they think, what they think, the vocabulary they have with the words they choose, their body language and facial expressions (if you get to see this when you ask questions) in response to your questions, how much they are willing to be open and authentic in the response to the question, what information they are willing to share beyond what you asked, how much of a communicator they are, and more.  By asking questions, you learn a lot in a very short amount of time. 

In doing this process, it is very important for you to try to understand the personality style of the person you are asking the questions to if you want them to hear you.  You have to be in tune to them with a keen perception to break the ice and get past any barriers that they have or may have by your questions.  You have to assure them that no matter their response, you appreciate them being honest and open with you.  Your ability to not back down from your questions when its something you need to know, can be challenging and difficult, but is a requirement in order to build a connection.  Through all this questioning, you must be able to be loving in spite of their response or difficulty in communication.  This takes a skill.  

And this whole process is only improving my ability to be The Queen of Questions!