Today, I would like to get us to think about what we say.......
Let me preface: I am pretty direct in how I approach problems. I don't always think through what I say and the impact it will make. I don't typically hide the fact I am not happy, bothered, hurt, frustrated, perturbed, irritated, at my wits end, etc. However, I am learning to be constructive in those feelings and address them in communication. I have always been a communicator, but there are ways that are fruitful in communicating and others that are not. I have been told I am a very patient person, however that doesn't mean that patience is going on on the inside.
I was out on a Friday night a month ago, walking through the parking lot of the building where we meet for christian activities, and it was pitch black. A little girl, probably about 9 or 10, on roller blades was behind me and said to me: "Who are you?". I realized it was dark and she probably didn't recognize me with my coat on and said, "It's Misty". She replied: "Oh, I never see you any more. You hardly come." I felt like I had been slapped across the face. I was trying desperately to find air. I needed to breath. My chest felt tight. I wanted to run. I wished my car wasn't parked out by the street, wish it had been close to the building so I could escape quickly. The pain of the comment hurt so deep. It is a good thing it was dark because I have been told that even if I say nothing, my face shows everything. I told myself "Be calm", though I was not. I replied: "I am not always able to be here, but I try to come all I can". She replied: "Yah, we can't come all the time either. I hope you have a great birthday." I told her thanks and was inwardly grateful that my comment diffused any further biting reply. As I walked to my car, the tears started to overflow my eyes. I couldn't help it. Satan was battling with remarks in my mind. "See, her parents are obviously talking about you and your lack of attendance."...
"Now you know the truth, you wondered if people were thinking you were going off the deep end because of your missing normal scheduled events, and look, they are!"...
"You thought some people understood what you are facing, but they don't."...
"Why are you bothering to come? If they are rating you on your attendance and roll call, then seriously, they don't care what you are experiencing do they?".......
I got in my car. I sat in the dark. I prayed. Prayed for strength. Prayed that I not let this bother me. Prayed that though many, many, many do not understand that you Oh My God do, and that Only You will be patient with me, will help me, will encourage me, will guide me to the degree I need...and though I don't understand why you think I can handle this and everything else on my plate, why after all I have been through I must face more...you are the all knowing God and you know. You know everything! Though I don't know why, I can trust you because you have always guided me and seen me through everything I have faced. Even when nobody else has understood, does understand or will understand...and even though people push me away, treat me differently, you truly don't.
Did the tears stop? No. Did I have peace? Yes. Do I understand these people I love much? No.
I need to have less expectations that they can or that they will. I need to let them give me space because they are making terms of our relationship that God doesn't make. Though it hurts, hurts deep, I can and will press on. God will give me strength.
So, I share today...a true story...because I want me to stop and think when I have something to say...do I consider how it is taken?
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