a hard day

Today has been a hard day. 


I am ready for the soft fluffy covers to envelope me, right up under the jaw, the cushy pillow to sink my head into.  Ready block out all my thoughts.  Ready to not hear any noise. Ready to escape.


Today was my scheduled appointment with my doctor to obtain my Adrenal Fatigue Test results so we could know what progress has been made.  The last one I had done was last June.  With various symptoms and things I have been experiencing the last two months or so, my doctor felt we needed an update to know where to go with things from here, what treatment changes need to be made, to help define what options we have and how to work with the situation.  I was secretly truly hoping for improvement, even though I no longer feel the benefit of my medications and supplements, my exercise routine no longer energizes me, I am fatigued beyond words, frequently in tears, and am at a point where work no longer excites me.


Let me tell you that my doctor is very kind.  He listens to me, my body, what I describe and thinks things through.  He doesn't just give me a pat answer.  He lets me know when something doesn't sit well with him and why.  He tells me what he is thinking and what he wants achieved and what the plan of action will be from here.  I have been seeing him since 2007 and though I wish we were further along in the steps to recovery, I am grateful for his continued help, kindness and support.  He always closes the visit with "It was my pleasure."  He is a rare doctor.


I was the first appointment of the day, so no long (very long) waiting spells.  My doctor showed me the results.  I was disappointed.  They were not good.  My levels are flat, very low, significantly lower then my "low point" last year.  The starting point on the graph shows me nearly in half of where I was last year.  I told him that though I am not feeling well, I truly was not expecting this.  Don't get me wrong, there is a sense of comfort and encouragement to know that you are feeling is "real", you are not imaging it, making it up, you have real cause for your symptoms.  


[Let me interject, it is very hard for me to discuss my medical situation.  If you know my home life, you know why.  If don't, let me just simply say that my mom was a hypochondriac in every sense of the word and she "never" felt well, "always" had issues, it was "all about her", etc. On top of that, I was raised as "the sick child", and though yes, I was the sickest of all my siblings with frequent ear infections, tonsillitis, rashes and skin sensitivities and allergy issues, there were other aspects made out to be worse than reality and I wasn't allowed to go outside, participate in normal exercise, etc, etc, etc.  All these things are baggage that I have to work through and not run from even though I am NOT my mom.  Don't act like my mom.  Don't think like my mom.]


Back to my doctor's visit...
My doctor said that the results clearly show why I am not sleeping at night.  He said, we have to get you sleeping well so you will be rested and feel better, until we do, you won't.  [I know this.]  He said, Misty, you are like me...you Live to Work...you don't Work to Live.  I said you are right and burst into tears.  We discussed my upbringing [nothing was ever good enough, I was always driven to produce more, more, more, work harder and longer than the previous day], the fact that I truly do love to work [you may think me strange, but I do!], how I feel when I "take breaks" [guilty, useless, etc], that whether I am self employed or an employee I work just as hard, just as long, just as much [if you know me well or have for very long, you know this is true!], and more.  He let me know that he believes this has gone on so long that I am depressed.  I couldn't argue.  We discussed additional diet changes over and above my already healthy diet.  We discussed what I am currently doing, what we will continue and a few things we will discontinue.  We discussed additional concerns from symptoms I am experiencing and he has ordered more tests to rule a few things out based off of concerns he has that these things are signs of other issues that must be looked at [I don't feel privy to go into details here].  If we were only dealing with Adrenal Fatigue, that would be one thing, but we are not.  I will followup in June with him again after an X-Ray, two sets of Lab work, and an appointment with a specialist.  


Am I scared?  No.  Concerned?  Yes.  Beyond frustrated?  Absolutely.


Though I have made heaps of progress in many aspects of feeling stressed, being stressed, and how I react to stress, the fact is that my body is stressed [even if I don't "feel" it] and I am going to be forced to make more changes.  Exactly what these changes will be, I don't know yet...my brain hurts today to think about it.  


Right now, I just want to cry.