coach hit a nerve

We began our call stating how we were (we could state any word, just not good for how we were), how we did with our Power Hour Commitments, our daily reciting of our Affirmations, our homework with our Goals Game Plan, and if we connected with our Buddy.  

I said I was feeling uncertainty and a level of anxiety.  I did 4 of 5 Power Hours.  I didn't do any of my Goals Game Plan homework, I connected with my buddy 3 times, including our weekly Accountability Call on Sunday.  

Just like last week, I was in tears working through expressing this on my coaching call.  I explained the reason last weeks call tore me up and the events that transpired last week with being hit on by a married guy who isn't letting up and how it was rocking my world.  I could hardly talk.  The tears and emotional pain I was experiencing were making conversation and communicating really difficult.  The pain deep in my heart hard to make my thoughts make sense.  

This stuff is deep dark work.  It brings up things you thought you had resolved or at least were managing.  And yet in some areas, I know I haven't done a good job at managing, I have simply run and shoved it deep stating it didn't and doesn't matter.  

Wrong.  That's a lie.

In digging into my personality type, I found that as long as I see the goal and understand why, I can and will make it happen.  This to me was the answer as to why I struggled at my homework for last week. I couldn't answer the why.  I am goal oriented, I can make goals like nobody else.  And I will achieve them.  But ask me why they are important?  Why they matter?  Why I should have them?  I will draw a blank and feel stupid.  Utterly stupid.  Especially when I am trying to feel good enough as I am and not be driven to perfection.

In the Q&A I asked how we can work to understand and answer our "why".  My coach worked with me.  He asked me questions. I did my best to answer.  I felt like I wasn't doing a very good job at it.  I cried.  He dug deeper.  He asked me what has made me feel a need to change me now after all these years?  His uncanny ability to see me for me is scary, unnerving and yet insightful.  His words and assessment were:

• Allow yourself to connect with yourself again as a little girl...the girl who was never allowed to be her and who had to grow up early.  [How the hell does he know this???  Its true, but I haven't shared hardly any of my journey with him.  How is he able to see this?]
• It's okay to have fun...its okay to be loved...its okay to be feminine...its okay to feel sexy...Allow yourself to nurture you...allow yourself to be free...What is the gift of allowing me to flourish?  How would you feel?  More confident?  More alive?  More vibrant? Reconnect to your dreams.
• Feeling creates healing...your reconnecting with your heart.  Create positive reinforcement.
• You cannot heal if you're afraid to heal.  {This I know.}  Embrace yourself.  {This I am learning to do.}
• Imagine.  What does nurturing yourself look like?  What does it feel like? {This I do not do well.}
• He took me through an exercise to close my eyes.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Be connected to you.  You have everything you need.  You are loved.  You are beautiful. {This exercise that I have done several times now has tremendous results. It brings a sense of peace and clarity like nothing else...other than my prayer life with God.}
• Redefine who you are! {This I so want, so desperately want.}
• We believe in YOU!

I have spent a good portion of the day crying.  I am going through the emotional trauma I went through last year, all over again, except on a whole new level.  It's crap that has to be dealt with.  It's pain that is intense.  It's emotionally draining.

I am determined to move past my fears.  I am determined to get the help I need to live a joyful life. I am determined to live with no regrets.  I am determined to be positive and encouraging because I know the impact it would have made in my life if I had had it.  I am going to do the hard, very hard work, to redefine me and believe I am Courageous, Good Enough, Loved, Matter, Worthy, Successful, Wanted and Beautiful!!!

We then were asked to Celebrate if we had an accomplishment for the week.  If we achieved a goal.  If we made progress on something.  I should have shared that last weekend I took the entire weekend with Anna to relax, sleep in, not work and spoil me (and her).  I didn't.  Why?  Because this is a new feeling.  This doesn't seem right.  It felt awkward.  It seems like I am being selfish.  It seems like I shouldn't be.

But that is a lie.

I am a Courageous, Generous, Loving Woman of God!  Who deserves to be taken care of, nurtured, cherished, loved, who is worthy of treating herself like a princess.

I am determined to #LiveBIG!