how I choose to repair a relationship

You offend someone. You hurt them. You insult them. You trigger them to become angry. Now what?

For me, I always try to first see it from their perspective. What did I say that offended you? How did I hurt you? How did I insult you? How did I trigger your anger button? Once I have this information, I process and then respond with I am sorry.

Be clear with what you are sorry for: I am sorry that what I said caused this reaction in you. I am sorry I offended you. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you felt insulted. I am sorry you have become angry. I never meant to hurt you or others. I never meant to cause a problem between us. I then let them know what I simply meant to convey through my statement was ____________________ . You are not responsible for how they respond, but you can be responsible for how you triggered and set them off, whether it was knowingly or unknowingly.

I then ask for forgiveness. I am sorry for ______________________ and I ask you to please forgive me.

I also end the conversation with Thank YOU for letting me know you were/are offended, hurt, insulted, triggered. Thank YOU for letting me do what I can to fix this. Thank YOU for being a part of my life and helping me grow to be a better person. Thank YOU for accepting my apology (whether they really do or not, don't judge.)

I love you and appreciate you. I always tell them I love them. Always.

Does this repair all relationships? Yes and No.

It allows for a bridge of healing to be established between both parties, it doesn't mean the bridge of healing will take place. It allows for open communication, but it doesn't mean open communication by both parties will take place. It allows for love to be given and felt, if both parties engage in this method.

I have again been faced with the reality that you cannot control whether someone will receive your apology or not. You cannot force them to accept your apology. They have a will and a choice to do so. You cannot make someone accept love. You cannot make someone resolve their anger. You cannot make someone see your perspective. You cannot make someone see that you didn't mean to hurt them. You cannot make someone forgive you. They have to want to heal their own wound. They have to want to receive your forgiveness. They have to want that peace.

ALL YOU can control is YOUR part.

Don't let this stop you from being loving. Don't let this create a wall where one can be torn down. Don't let this stop you from responding in a way you will later wish you had had more control in the moment. Don't let their issues stop you from being who you can be because you choose to be. Even if they are ugly to your face or behind your back, online or offline. Keep the focus in mind as to what is important.
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