poem ~ dear mother

Dear Mother, I can honestly say,
you weren't the one
Every little girl dreams of 
having as her role model today.

I grew up feeling 
you completely despised me,
Because nothing I did 
was ever good enough in the end. 

Even when I had straight A's in school
you wanted something even more,
Because A+ was exactly what
you were ultimately striving for.

As you laid out the rules
and instructions for perfection,
I failed all the time
is my constant recollection. 

You never encouraged me
but I kept trying from my very core,
To do all the things
you expected and more.

I wanted you to be happy 
but I failed to see,
That happiness was missing
because of something beyond me.

You tried to physically cripple me
and make me an invalid, 
Not letting me live outside
even for a minute with Friends.

Everything I ever wanted to do
was met with a resounding no,
That's absolutely too expensive 
and you should have never asked tho.

It forced me to see
how I could create things for free,
As I struggled to live
up to your expectations to be me.

When I felt I finally had figured you out
you'd go and change the rules,
And I'd be left again 
seeking how to play this game in the end.

Yet the way that you treated me
destroying every single part of my heart,
It caused me to not feel wanted
when you tore every baby picture apart.

When you emphatically told me
I was no longer your beautiful daughter,
I wondered how much more I could take
then you called me Ethel, stating it wasn't a mistake.

It's sometimes hard to believe
how one could treat one of their own like this,
But even in spite of these circumstances
I tried to honor and respect you as my Mother.

Yet when I reflect 
on the amazing things you taught me,
I wonder what my life would be like
without all the homemaking skills around me.

You taught me so many things 
from how to sew, cook, clean and do laundry,
to how to make everything else 
completely by hand, substantially.

You made me save 
fifty percent of my earnings,
For the future day
when some man took me away.

You taught me the art
of what communication means,
Even when you didn't do this
in a loving resourceful theme.

You made philanthropy 
a big part of my heart,
And it helped me live through 
one of my darkest chapter parts.

You taught me how
to live on much less,
And to remove expectations
of consumer driven mess.

You instilled in me 
the ability to work really hard,
To be fully committed 
with excellence in all that I do.

You stressed the importance
of being honest, dedicated and loyal, 
Responsible and disciplined 
even in my schedule and tasks too.

As I've done the work 
on my own healing journey,
I know you didn't have
anything else you could give.

For your heart is bleeding
and deeply hurting to the core,
And instead of doing the necessary healing
you inflicted pain on me even more.

I know you didn't have 
any more to give,
Because you didn't believe in yourself
or have any love to live.

You tore everyone down 
that lived all around you,
Because of the hurt 
that you found surrounding you.

The skills you gave me
to see through the challenges you presented me,
Caused me to shift my perspective
and made me stronger than what you did to me.

No matter how abusive,
controlling and manipulative you are,
The circumstances of my life
gave me the chance to overcome and get this far.

Though I honestly can't say
I'd wish this kind of childhood life,
On anyone once 
let alone my two siblings lives.

It's with a different perspective 
I open up and say,
Thank You for the gift in the fight 
to make something of my life.

For in the midst of this mess
it's quite clear to me yet,
That all of this is 
the biggest blessing you could've given me.

So it's in gratitude I say
Thank You on this Mother's Day,
For the things you unknowingly gave me
and the way my life has thus shaped to be.

© Misty W Gilbert
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