an evening with Terry

We were supposed to go to Russell's for dinner tonight, but Russell is not well so they canceled yesterday. I asked Terry if he wanted to come over to my place for dinner since we already had the time set aside...he said sure. I made him pick what he wanted to eat...he said he wasn't hungry, medicine makes food taste funny, etc...but eventually he came up with a plan. :) We ate breakfast: eggs, hashbrowns, fruit, sausage. I then asked if he wanted to take a walk. We didn't walk far as I knew he couldn't do much, but I want to try to help him in small ways give him zeal for life. He smoked as we walked. We read Psalm 103 together. I then asked if he wanted to run see Ryan & Alisha's house (they closed Friday on a place in Crowley). He agreed, so he drove and I went with him in his car. I say all this to say, he needs this kind of stuff. Normal life things. Peace. Calm. No arguements. No fighting. No drama. No put me downs, you can't do it, you are no good. Nothing like that. We didn't discuss much...I want him to just learn to be different and find the truth in the difference. He did make a comment which I took as headway..."its good to be alive today". I wasn't sure what triggered the thought, he stopped one of his medicines last night and felt better today after feeling crummy for 5days. He can't seem to get over the fact that he just saw Gene Smith who sat by him last Wednesday night and then was in a wreck by the end of the week and will have therapy for 6 weeks. He has made the comment several times. I told him none of us know how long we have, I could be gone tomorrow...he could have been gone when he overdosed. I gave him your email tonight along with the email from Sharron Roy about Gene Smith, and the words to the song I sang as he asked for those since Stan mentioned in his message last Wednesday that I sang on Sunday and he asked me about it today. I had not told him this but think it might work for good in his life by learning about it...he doesn't understand how this has not just torn me apart. Well, it has in moments, but the Lord has given me the strength to face this trial and I want to grow by it...it has not been easy. Singing was not easy...but I wanted to share my heart and I didn't feel a testimony would convey my thoughts very well and I figured I would just cry and nobody would understand anyways.

an evening with Terry

Terry & I were supposed to go to Russell's for dinner tonight, but Russell is not well so they canceled yesterday. I asked Terry if he wanted to come over to my place for dinner since we already had the time set aside...he said sure. I made him pick what he wanted to eat...he said he wasn't hungry, medicine makes food taste funny, etc...but eventually he came up with a plan. :) We ate breakfast: eggs, hashbrowns, fruit, sausage. I then asked if he wanted to take a walk. We didn't walk far as I knew he couldn't do much, but I want to try to help him in small ways give him zeal for life. He smoked as we walked. When we came back to the house, we read Psalm 103 together, one of Uncle Tom's favorite passages, we split the 22 verses each reading 11.  We sat and didn't talk much for a few minutes and not knowing if he would then just head home, I asked if he knew Ryan &Alisha had bought a house and that they closed Friday on a place not to far from me and wondered if he would want to go see it.  I knew they were working on it and would be there, so he agreed.  He drove and I went with him in his car, something he hasn't wanted to do before for fear that I would get to sick since he smokes in his car.  After about 10minutes of being there, he was ready to leave...but I felt it was progress that he would want to go and get outside of his own life and focus.  We came back home and I gave him an email from Weyman, along with the email from Sharron Roy about Gene Smith's situation, and the words to the song I sang on Sunday a week ago (he asked for those from me today since Stan mentioned in his message last Wednesday that I sang on Sunday - he asked me about it today as I had not told him this).  I think it might work for good in his life by learning about it...he doesn't understand how this has not just torn me apart. Well, it has in moments, but the Lord has given me the strength to face this trial and I want to grow by it...it has not been easy but these types of things aren't.  Singing was not easy...but I wanted to share my heart and I didn't feel a testimony would convey my thoughts very well plus I figured I would just cry and nobody would understand my mumbled words anyways.  He left shortly after to head home.

I realate all this about our evening to say this:
he needs this kind of stuff. Normal life things. Peace. Calm. No arguements. No fighting. No drama. No put me downs, you can't do it, you are no good. Nothing like that. We didn't discuss much, just were together for the evening...I want him to just learn to be different and find the truth in the difference. He did make a comment which I took as headway..."its good to be alive today". I wasn't sure what triggered the thought, he stopped one of his medicines last night and felt better today after feeling crummy for 5days. He can't seem to get over the fact that he just saw Gene Smith who sat by him last Wednesday night and then was in a car wreck by the end of the week and will have therapy for 6 weeks. He has made the comment several times. I told him none of us know how long we have, I could be gone tomorrow...he could have been gone when he overdosed...we need to be grateful for each day that we have and serve the Lord with our whole heart in the moment, here and now. 

Quotes

It’s not your salary that makes you rich, it’s your spending habits.
~ Charles A Jaffe

updated on Terry

Terry has been home from the hospital now a week...he has not felt too well and is not sure some of it isn't his new medicine.  I have tried hard to encourage him to just be patient, take the needed time to rest and nap, just relax and in time he will feel better.  His doctor okayed that he discontinue one of his medications that he is pretty sure is making him feel pretty crummy, so as of tonight he will not take that dose.  We will see in a few days how he is feeling after doing this. He hasn't been too motivated to do much of anything.  He will not be able to work for a month until he is stable on his medications.  My goal right now is to encourage him, do something with him 1-2x's weekly to give him something to look forward to.  I think he is a little bit bored because I am getting lots of calls from him.  Hopefully he will feel like doing some things in a few days. I believe this will help is outlook and motivate him a little if he could be distracted from his blah state.  We were scheduled to have dinner at Russell & Barbara's tomorrow night but Russell is sick so that has been canceled.  I asked Terry if he would like to come to my place for dinner since we already had the evening planned and set aside for this, he said that sounded like fun.  I asked him what he was hungry for and told him that I would fix whatever he wanted...he has chosen breakfast: eggs. hashbrowns. sausage. and I will add fruit.  Yummy!   

Quotes

The bad news is time flies.  The good news is you're the pilot.
~ Michael Altshuler

Quotes

A professional is an amateur who didn't quit.
- Richard Bach

Brian Tracy Quote of the Day

Everybody talks bout wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yorself, it has a ripple effect.
- Rob Reiner, director

another update on Terry

I called Terry this afternoon around 4pm when I was running errands for the office, but it went straight to voicemail.  I left him a message telling him hello, that I hoped he was doing well today and that his doctor appointment went really well.  I never heard from him.  Tonight was meeting and I wasn't sure if Terry would be out or not, so I was thrilled when I saw him there  He was hunched over in his chair a good portion of the time, but I think that it would be a lot to come and face everyone after you had tried to kill yourself.  I don't mean that in a mean way, just simply if you had tried for the 6th time, didn't succeed and knew everyone knew and no doubt felt some humiliation, how would you be when you came to meeting?  I had a few minutes with him to talk and his doctor came up and filled me in on what the plan is for right now...Plan A.  He said once they get some progress made with Plan A, they will move to Plan B & Plan C.  He also informed me that several were going to get together and talk to Terry and make sure all that are working with him are on the same page. I was grateful to hear this because I only believe we can be successful with a plan and knowledge of how we are going to work at helping him.  Terry stuck around afterwards, longer than he normally does, for that I am grateful.

I will probably not do the daily updates as I have been, but please feel free to email me or check back weekly to see what I just might post  :)  I know this will be a long journey...but as my blog states, it can be a courageous journey, but that all is decided by our choice(s).  This experience has been a tough one to go thru, but I renewed with the strength of having had my Lord and Savior by my side through each moment of the rollercoaster along with friends that sent prayers up for me - for Terry - for the many others involved, sent me messages of love & encouragement.  The next phase of this journey will be me working on a new approach with Terry from things I learned in family counseling and admonishments of those directly involved with him.  Please pray for me that I can be an example and take the place as a sister & friend.  The outcome of this is not complete yet...the journey continues.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

"a big HUG for you, Misty."

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

"May the God of all comfort help you today!! You are doing really well with this situation, so keep on....love you much!"

another update on Terry

Terry has been home for 24hrs and seems to be adjusting well.  He went and converted an old cell phone Jeff had to his number since his is fried.  He also took Sylvia back her lawnmower that he was working on.  We met for dinner tonight at Rosa's Tortillia Factory for Taco Tuesday.  He said he had already eaten dinner at Jeff's but said he would join me.  He ended up eating some chips n salsa and a taco.  I reached over and squeezed his hand and told him that I was glad he was still alive!  I also told him that he seemed to be doing well and  bet he enjoyed getting his face shaved (he wasn't fond of his beard that grew while he was in the hospital).  He smiled slightly and got a faraway look in his eyes.  I didn't know what he might be thinking, but thought it best to not push any more conversation and just let that statement sink in.  He came over for a few minutes while I tried to locate a battery for his phone online and get that ordered for him as the one he has is not holding a charge or lasting very long.  He didn't stay as he wanted to get home and to bed.  He has his doctor appointment tomorrow with his PCP and he also hopes to connect with his counselor thru the disability program he is on.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

Over the last week, I have received multiple text messages, emails, phone calls, facebook messages or comments and I am going to share one that I got at 5am this morning that really meant something to me when I read it at 6.45am when the alarm went off:

Misty, this is ==========. I know I have not had communication w/you for some time...My times with you and the love you showed toward me will never be forgotten.  I appreciate your honesty and sincerity and still remember your ways of encouraging me.  I have been praying for Terry, you, Mindy and your family since I heard of Terry's condition on Sunday.  I have wanted you to know that the power of prayer has been very real in my life and I have seen it in work this last month especially.  I pary for God's comfort to be felt by each of you @this time.  I love you like a big sister and to know the pain your family is going through saddens my heart.  I was lying in bed praying and remembered that I may have your # in my phone.  I hope this reaches you. I love you Misty, take care - =====

another update on Terry

I ended up not staying with Terry the rest of the day as he said he wanted to go with Jeff.  When I got off work, I called Jeff to see how things were going and what the plan was.  Terry had said he was tired and wanted to take a nap and Jeff told him that probably was a good idea.  Well, out of habit, Jeff had left the keys in the car and Terry left.  We were not sure where he might have gone since his cell phone has not been working since all this happened with it getting ruined by moisture, we had no way to contact him.  Jeff thought he might be at Verizon getting a replacement, so I went to the one on 174 that he normally goes to, then scanned the WalMart parking lot, then to the other Verizon store...no black Honda Accord.  Believe me, my heart was praying: "Lord no, please no."  I dropped something off at Aunt Connie's, ran home to change clothes and get flip flops on, get the mail and pickup the Power of Attorney paperwork & hospital discharge paperwork and take it to Jeffs.  As I pulled into the driveway, I saw Terry's car...and yes, it was a relief!  I stopped in to talk to Lorrie & Elizabeth and while I was in there, Terry came over.  He said he had run to get cigarettes and more medicine, which he had to pay for because he was over his Medicaid allotment.  I don't know how the Medicaid program works, if he has a set dollar amount they allow vs if it was refill to soon I don't think they would allow him to purchase it.  We hung out on Jeff's couch for about an hour visiting, he called Uncle Tom from my cell phone, and then he was getting a bit tired and wanted to head home.  I asked him what his plans were and he said he was going to take one day at a time...I was glad to hear that from him because I have told him all along this 5month journey, all we have is one day at a time and its one step at a time that gets us in the direction we need to go, so this was good to hear.  Jeff & Mastin arrived home about 10minutes after Terry had headed back to his place.  I stayed another hour knitting on the couch with Elizabeth and Lorrie, and I finished the long 2year project I have been working on: baby blanket for Carter!

Quotes

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
~ Henry Ford

another update on Terry

I received a restricted phone number call on my cell this morning. It was my mom delivering a message for me to please call Terry, which I did. He wanted me to know that the doctor is releasing him today around noon. Terry did not sleep well or much at all last night. He was given more medicine after his shot, but it didn't seem to make a difference. He is stressing a lot this morning and when I asked over what he couldn't say. He is not himself. I left a message for Jeff, he was in a meeting and so I text him the information also. I then called Drex who thought I should talk more with the social worker to get more information to questions I had, which I did. According to the information she provided me, Terry does not meet criteria to stay there or to be admitted to the state hospital. They are not giving him the medications he is used to or that he wants to help his anxiety and like symptoms, from the mere fact of the overdose that took place. There are several reasons for this. They will be giving him a script for 7days worth of medicine that they have had him on in the hospital which I will drop off at the pharmacy for him. She states he is firm in that he wants to go home. She said she will have paperwork for me and that he & I need to do the phone consultation with the rehab place. He is scheduled to follow up with his PCP on Wednesday. I may be staying with Terry the rest of the day and not return to work...just don't know what the plan will be.

another update on Terry

Today has been a long day...it started with meeting.  I sang How Can I Keep From Singing acapella.  I didn't share that this song had been on my heart the last month but has new meaning to me, or that I have sung it with tears this last week...that I appreciate all the prayers everyone has sent my way, I feel them, need them, appreciate them, and hope all will continue to keep all involved in their prayers that we have wisdom and understanding on how to work with Terry...there is absolutely no way I could have said a blessed thing or I would have utterly lost it and been a bawling mess; then singing would have been out of the question.  Jeff asked us in his message why we don't do that more, just get up and sing whats on our heart, not worrying about what others think or will say, or the whispering that will be done later.  Let me tell you...it wasn't as easy as he made it seem it was for me.  I was shaking all over and not sure if I would loose it in the big middle and I most assuredly don't consider my voice a pretty voice to listen to.  I can imagine people say, why does she sing solo?  Doesn't she know she doesn't sound that great?  The singers that everyone likes to hear are the ones that get asked to sing at an event or to sing with.  I haven't, and sometimes that stops me from singing solo, and other times it motivates me to be me and forget that others might not like my voice or think I sing well or that I am trying to get attention by singing alone, but I have a voice that God has given me and I want everyone to know that I want to serve the one who has done so much for me!  Many stopped me after meeting with things to say, questions to ask, and wanted me to know that I have been on their heart and mind.  I know everyone wants to see Terry succeed, I just wish he knew that too.  I ended up going to lunch with Judy to Antonio's because they usually are fast...wouldn't you know that today, they were slow as molasses!  We waited 30minutes for our food and I had 10minutes to stuff my face and hit the road to be at the hospital in time for the 3pm family counseling session.  I did not have a chance to connect with Jeff after meeting, so I didn't know if he was going to the session.  It ended up just being me and Terry and we had the same therapist that we had yesterday.  She asked me some questions about how I take care of myself so I elaborated, what I do for work and where I live, etc.  I shared with her that I rented from Jeff (where Terry is now) for 9.5yrs and have had a house for 3yrs, have a housekeeper come once a month, work full time as an accounting manager and own my own medical billing agency with two part time employees, and am working to create more balance in my schedule and life.  She gave me some paperwork to read and made some suggestions on how I relate to Terry.  Terry didn't open up more than he had yesterday.  The therapist said he attended one and a half of the three therapy sessions for the day, but had not entered in as much as the day before.  She said she was going to recommend therapy for him and would write her recommendations in the chart for the social worker to review tomorrow when she came in.  We ended about 15minutes early, so we moved to "our spot" to visit.  A few minutes after 4pm, one of the clerks said Terry had visitors, two guys who wanted to come together, so I decided to go out so he could have them.  It was Dave & Drex.  I told them to take the full 45minutes unless someone else came in.  On my way to the parking lot, Jeff & Debbie were pulling in.  We chatted a few minutes and I told them where to go and that Dave & Drex had just gone in and maybe to give them a little bit and then they could go in.  I headed home to get a sample of my pool water to take to the store for chemical testing to know what I need in it.  I needed to do that before they closed at 5pm.  I then had to decide whether to come home and take a nap, do chores that are behind, or stop by Gilbert & Connie's and just chill on the couch.  I went with the latter until it was time to head back to the hospital.  I got there just about 3minutes before 7pm.  It was quiet...not to many others coming to visit like it had been a few days ago.  When I saw Terry, I knew he was not doing as well as he had been earlier.  He was walking stiff and wasn't very responsive at all.  I asked him how he was since I had been up there, he shrugged and said very stressful.  I tried to get him to elaborate, but he didn't.  By the time we sat down at our spot again, he was shaking all over, running his hands thru his hair while he layed his head on the table.  When he let his hands rest on the table, he left a heavy perspirated spot, so I knew he was sweating.  I didn't know what to do.  I kept trying to ask him questions to distract him, tried to see if he wanted to do a game of checkers, or needed water; I got nowhere.  He finally decided he would ask the nurse for a shot.  His issue with doing that means he will not be able to go home tomorrow like he so desperately wants as they have to wait at least 24hrs before they will release you after giving you more medication.  He asked the nurse for something that he normally takes for anxiety attacks but he didn't have doctors orders for it, so they would not give it to him. I learned from the nurse on my way out that one reason is because since he overdosed on it, they are not giving him that.  Makes sense when you think about it, for several reasons.  As I left the hospital, my heart was heavy...I cried.  To see him go up and down in these mood swings hurts beyond words.  My heart achs for him.  I wish I knew what to do to help him.  I went back to the house to get my laundry as I promised Aunt Connie I would let her do it and Mrs Reid do my ironing, and then went to the gathering hoping to find Jeff, but he was at the hospital welcoming in a grandbaby.  I did get a few minutes with Drex and Dave together to find out how their time went, update them on Terry and let them know I feel we need a plan.  Many might not have known I was even out tonight because I was so emotional, I didn't go into the area where everyone was...I simply couldn't.  I am home now writing this update and then am going to take a Tylenol PM and try to get more sleep than I have of late.  Please pray...

Letting Go

To "let go" does does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is to not try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold or ague, but instead to search for my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

~Author Unknown


This is one of several pieces of information, articles and data from the Family Counseling session with Nancy today.  I thought it was good and wanted to share and let each of us reflect on "letting go"...

another update on Terry

I came home from the hospital knowing I had things to do and get done in the roughly two hour time frame until I would return back up there, but to be honest, I was exhausted, emotionally drained and ready to just break down and cry.  I sent the update out for the day by email, and then decided to put my cell phone on silent and crawl under the covers and take a 30minute nap, which I exactly did...and am so glad I did.  I got some food at Panda Express on my way to the hospital. I got there right before 7pm, but they would not let me take it in with me.  I ate a bit and then stuffed it in the locker with the rest of my things and went in to see Terry.  He had showered and had clean clothes on that Jeff had brought to him earlier when we were there.  He was tired and a bit withdrawn.  He said he was dealing with hallucinations and they had to give him a shot a little bit before I got there.  I think that was making him a bit more tired so he drank lots of water to help clear his brain.  We visited, some small talk and some serious.  He wasn't opening up too much.  Mom called to talk to Terry while I was talking to him and he took the call but didn't talk long.  While he was gone, one of the ladies that is in there as a patient stopped and told me she hoped he would make it. I warmly told her that I hoped so too.  She told me he had beat her at a game of checkers and that gave me the idea that when he came back maybe we could play that since he wasn't talking too much.  He had told me I could go since he was tired and Uncle Tom hadnt come, but I told him no, I was going to stay until the session ended unless Uncle Tom came then I would leave.  Well, he brightened up at the thought of playing a game of checkers, so we did.  He beat me at our first game and we were not far into our second when Uncle Tom arrived about 7:45pm.  We moved from the community room where the checkers were to the spot we have been sitting and visiting in.  In some ways, this whole process reminds me of a prison.  Anyways, Uncle Tom shared some thoughts and recommendations to Terry regarding my parents, his life as a child and what he wants to see for him now.  While we were talking Uncle Tom mentioned Jeff was out in the hall waiting.  Terry got a surprised look on his face and said "Again?" and had tears in his eyes.  I left at 8pm so that Jeff could have the last 15minutes with him with Uncle Tom.  I got to the baby shower for Tracy's "two peas in a pod" late but felt I should spend the time with Terry that they allow us since its such a narrow window.

This process has been an emotional rollercoaster.  How to help someone who sees things many times really clearly, then can turn and be so cold and firm in a decision is amazing...yet difficult in so many ways!  Please continue to pray that I will know how to be supportive and helpful in the roll as his sister, friend and fellow christian.

another update on Terry

I attended family counseling today at 3pm at the hospital with the therapist, Jeff and Terry.  Jeff arrived as quickly as he could after getting stopped by the police for them misreading his inspection sticker with it being current and him not thinking it was and then the train delayed him even more in Crowley.  It was an hour long session.  When you have no watch to keep track of the time and no clock in the room, its really hard to know if you are on track with time or not.  The therapist asked Terry questions, us questions, things were discussed & referenced to his childhood, what brought him to Texas, what he has done since he has been here and what his plans are from here.  Terry was pretty much in the same mood he was last night: calm, talkative enough to carry on a conversation, but still determined that he doesn't want to live and his life has a bleek outlook.  The therapist said she believes he is being honest and not hiding anything.  She believes it will be his choice, but with this being his 6th attempt at suicide she is not sure we can change his attitude in how it is bent.  She said we are doing all we can other than to be with him 100% of the time, which she said is not really possible and still will not prevent this happening again.  She didn't have any recommendations to us at this time other than to keep doing what we know to do and are doing.  She said she can tell he has a great support system and believes we need to keep praying.  She said no matter the outcome, we can not feel guilty for his choices.  In ways it was  good time, and in other ways sad, as it confirms what we have felt was the simple truth, Terry doesn't want to be here on earth.  After counseling, I left as Russell was there to visit Terry and he had a few minutes with him.  Warren also came and had some time with Terry.  Jeff came out and so I went back it, but it was right at the time they were saying that visiting hurs were over.  Our paperwork said it was 4 - 5pm, but its really only 4 - 4.45pm...it was wrong the nurse told me.  So I told Terry goodbye and that I would plan then to come up at 7pm and see him again since I didn't visit with him other than in the counseling session.

I have 6 followers on my blog now!!!

you probably think me crazy...but its okay, I probably am!  I have six friends following me on my blog now.  Yah, I am way behind some of my other blogging friends both in the number of friends/followers I have, lets not mention all the many other aspects of my blog that are lacking, even though I have been blogging a really long time, even longer than some of them newbies, but I guess they have had time to figure out all the cool ways to get your friends to follow you, probably have way better, awesome, great intriguing and interesting posts, plus they enjoy keeping up with the latest blog information and know things about MckLinky and what not that I don't...maybe someday I will have that kind of time, for now, I count my blessings...I have two more new friends!

another update on Terry

Tonight was my first time to get to visit with Terry in his new unit on the Behavior Health floor.  Jeff also was there to visit with him.  You have to lock all your belongings (cell phone, keys, sun glasses, purse, etc) up in a locker and take the key with you.  Anything you bring in has to be checked at the desk and "approved", i.e. Daniel Sollenberger had bought a nice set of fancy pencils and spiral bound drawing notebook.  He was not allowed the pencils because they were too long and not allowed the notebook because it was spiral, so we ripped out some paper and they gave him short 3" stubby pencils with no eraser.  I had written him a letter (which you can read an earlier post here on the blog) and the 5 verses I wrote out on 4x6 cards (also on an earlier post) and gave them to him when I saw him.  Everyone is in sock feet as they are not allowed shoe laces, belts, etc. He was calmer and not arguementative, but still doesn't believe that he deserves to live and doesn't want to be on any medications.  Jeff talked with him asked him if he was aware of what would happen if he didn't remain cooperative...Terry said yes, move him somewhere else...Jeff said yes, somewhere you really don't want to go, where the REALLY CRAZY people go. Jeff read a little bit from I Peter 3 and Psalms 103.  He told him he should draw how much he has been forgiven.  While we were visiting, Paul Moore came by.  Jeff went out so that Paul could have some time with him and I could stay as there are only 2 of us allowed in at a time.  After a bit, I got up and left so that Jeff could come back in.  Paul left 5minutes before the end of the session and I got a few more minutes with him.  I will be attending the family counseling session tomorrow and then be there for the visitation at 4pm for an hour.