hon·or/ˈɒnər/
noun
1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor.
2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one's family.
3. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.
4. such respect manifested: a memorial in honor of the dead.
5. high public esteem; fame; glory: He has earned his position of honor.
If you follow my blog, you would have read the post about the true meaning of James 1:27 here. My Uncle called me Thursday afternoon about 2pmCST. He wanted to share a few thoughts with me about his post and let me know that he didn't have me in mind when he wrote that. He said that he wasn't posting that verse in relation to the situation with my Mom, the verse had been on his heart and mind because of the situation but not in relationship to it and he was wanting to share some thoughts with others and get feedback. He said that over the last few years that he has gotten to know me since we reconnected January 2009, he feels that I have dishonored my Mom. He said he hoped calling me wasn't adding to my stress and that I had time to talk. If truth be told, it was horrible timing. I was out of town at a clients office and had just gotten out of a meeting and I had a full day of things yet to accomplish, I was totally feeling jam packed against the clock to get all that needed to be done before I left there and had to rush home to do laundry, pack and leave very early for the airport. I didn't have 68 minutes to spend talking about this sort of thing, especially the day before my Dad's Memorial. Really? I stopped and prayed for the Lord to give me patience and help me know what to say. My thoughts weren't on this subject and I didn't feel prepared to share the things I thought and felt. I let him know that I have tried to exercise patience with the fact that I don't believe he has enough information or details as to the facts nor does he understand the whole situation to judge the situation accordingly. I told him that I would be willing to share any details of my past and childhood to help him understand even though it is hard to do. I let him know that I didn't believe he didn't have me and others in mind because of comments he had made to others and the timing of the thought being posted. I informed him that I had learned recently that he had called others (my uncle, my cousin, friends) to share concern that as a daughter, he didn't believe I was doing my part to help my Mom and that he had shared with others that he didn't feel "the christian's" were doing their part for my Mom. I told him that I was greatly disappointed that he would not call me and ask me his questions and share with me his concerns and that he would go to others for the details. I told him that I didn't believe this was approriate for him to discuss it with others like he had. He broke down crying and stated that he hoped this would not come between us. I told him that I didn't want it to either. I asked him for an example of something that he felt that I did or said that was dishonoring to my Mom so that I could evalute it as I truly would like to evaluate what I said, how it was taken, what my intentions were and ask the Lord for wisdom in understanding it if I was wrong. That has never been my goal. I want to be truthful and factual about what I experienced, but I am not trying to be dishonoring. He said he would have to go back through my posts on Facebook to find one. To me, if he truly felt that I had been dishonoring to my Mom, he would have had an example to give me. I told him that I will honor my Mom with the knowledge and fact that she is my Mom and taught me a lot of good skills, but I will not honor her controling attitude or support her conduct as I don't believe it is honoring before God. I looked up the word honor and dishonor on www.dictionary.com and shared them with him. We parted ways with the understanding that we didn't see the situation the same and that he was taking my Mom at her word and didn't have reports from other people on other things she was doing and saying.
dis·hon·or/dɪsˈɒnər/
noun
1. lack or loss of honor; disgraceful or dishonest character or conduct.
2. disgrace; ignominy; shame: His arrest brought dishonor to his family.
3. an indignity; insult: to do someone a dishonor.
4. a cause of shame or disgrace: He is a dishonor to his family.
5. Commerce . failure or refusal of the drawee or intended acceptor of a bill of exchange or note to accept it or, if it is accepted, to pay and retire it.
As my friend, I ask you...do you believe that I have been dishonoring to my Mom? How do you show respect & honor to someone whom you don't believe is right?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
434 area code calls
I got two calls in the middle of the night last night from a number with a 434 area code. No messages were left. I knew the area code was from Virginia and wondered if it was Mindy, but since I haven't had her phone number for over two years, I wasn't sure. Whomever it was, I wasn't sure why they would think I was up at 11:56pmCST and 12:59amCST, but either way, I was dead asleep. Wednesday Morning I called the number back and it was Mindy. She wanted to know if I had talked to family the day before. I aknowledged I had. She stated then she assumed I knew about Granma Omi and the reason she was calling was to let me know so that I wouldn't hear as she heard through someone who heard through someone who heard through someone. She stated that she was upset that I hadn't called her. I explained that I didn't have her number to be able to do so. She then got even more angry at stated that she felt I needed to apologize for blocking her number. I told her I didn't block her number. You have to pay for that service and I would have to have her number to block it. She said she is tired of people walking in and out of her life. She continued to spill her anger for 4 minutes and 20 seconds and then she hung up on me.
I left the conversation with questions as to what I could have said to make more peace. She obviously was hurting and frustrated. She obviously had a bunch of pent up anger. My heart ached for her.
An hour later I attempted to call her back. I got a message that this persons voicemail was not setup yet. So I decided to text her.
"I am sorry you are angry at me. I wish I had had your phone number so that I could have let you know. I have tried to respect your wishes and not communicate with you. Per your last FB message you clearly wanted nothing to do with me or the family and so it makes it really hard on us. I love you and wish I could resolve this. I tried to call you to tell you this but your VM is not set up so I couldn't. I am sorry I was sleepingwhen you called in th emiddle of the night last night. I didn't konw who it was and therefore called you back today. I will continue to pray for you that you will be willing to make peace and not be angry. I love you more than you know. FYI you can't block phone numbers that are not in yoru phoneand you can't block phone numbers unless you pay for that. I never have. You can either believe me or not. Its your choice. I wish I could do something to make you understand. I wish you would not be angry."
She called me later in the day. We talked 14 minutes and 45 seconds. The conversation was much like the first one but with even greater anger and profanity. I tried hard to be kind, was calm and just told her that I knew she was hurting and I was sorry. In the end, she hung up on me again.
I was frustrated. I felt like I had had a second chance to try and create a peace in her, but I got nowhere. I was the wrong person in eveything.
A few minutes later, she called me back. This time, I knew I couldn't answer. And I didn't answer it. Instead, I sent her a text message:
I am not gonna take calls when you just argue and hang up. I am sorry but I don't play these games.
To which she responded:
Fine.
Bye.
You csn stop texting me.
I'm deleting everything you wrote. Bye!!!
This left me feeling that the Memorial was going to be a really hard day when I saw her. All I could do was pray. Lord, please be with me, help me to have wisdom, help me to show kindness, help me to know what to do and say.
I left the conversation with questions as to what I could have said to make more peace. She obviously was hurting and frustrated. She obviously had a bunch of pent up anger. My heart ached for her.
An hour later I attempted to call her back. I got a message that this persons voicemail was not setup yet. So I decided to text her.
"I am sorry you are angry at me. I wish I had had your phone number so that I could have let you know. I have tried to respect your wishes and not communicate with you. Per your last FB message you clearly wanted nothing to do with me or the family and so it makes it really hard on us. I love you and wish I could resolve this. I tried to call you to tell you this but your VM is not set up so I couldn't. I am sorry I was sleepingwhen you called in th emiddle of the night last night. I didn't konw who it was and therefore called you back today. I will continue to pray for you that you will be willing to make peace and not be angry. I love you more than you know. FYI you can't block phone numbers that are not in yoru phoneand you can't block phone numbers unless you pay for that. I never have. You can either believe me or not. Its your choice. I wish I could do something to make you understand. I wish you would not be angry."
She called me later in the day. We talked 14 minutes and 45 seconds. The conversation was much like the first one but with even greater anger and profanity. I tried hard to be kind, was calm and just told her that I knew she was hurting and I was sorry. In the end, she hung up on me again.
I was frustrated. I felt like I had had a second chance to try and create a peace in her, but I got nowhere. I was the wrong person in eveything.
A few minutes later, she called me back. This time, I knew I couldn't answer. And I didn't answer it. Instead, I sent her a text message:
I am not gonna take calls when you just argue and hang up. I am sorry but I don't play these games.
To which she responded:
Fine.
Bye.
You csn stop texting me.
I'm deleting everything you wrote. Bye!!!
This left me feeling that the Memorial was going to be a really hard day when I saw her. All I could do was pray. Lord, please be with me, help me to have wisdom, help me to show kindness, help me to know what to do and say.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Granma Omi is in Heaven!
I just got word that my Granma Omi passed away last night. This is my Dad's Mom. She has had Pulmonary Fibrosis and has been in ICU with Pneumonia. Please be in prayer for my Dad's Brother, Uncle Dana and my Aunt Donna. This has been a rough few weeks for everyone...your love, prayers and support are very appreciated!
Hugs to each of you!!!
Hugs to each of you!!!
Monday, February 18, 2013
the true meaning of james 1:27
A relative of mine posted on Facebook last Monday after my Mom postponed/canceled the Memorial set for Friday, February 15th, 2013:
Anyone out there believe this passage?
James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
To the average individual, it would look like this person was reminding us all of something. To the person who wasn't related, who didn't have inside details, who didn't know the truth, they wouldn't see the open rebuke and criticism.
The verse holds truth. It is a command to each of us that love God. However, the details behind the post is what makes that information hard to read.
I had heard from others about the post before I actually saw it myself due to the fact that I was working against the clock up until my departure last Wednesday for Nevada, Arizona and California and a 5 day Vacation to see Friends and Family and spend time out in Dumont Sand Dunes in Baker, CA. I hadn't seen the post until today. Though I can appreciate the truth in that verse, I can't appreciate the message that person was trying to send, why? Because I know more of the details behind it.
The widow is my Mom.
The people this person believes are not living pure religion and being defiled are me, other family and "the Christians". This person believes that a Godly daughter would not be in this position with her Mom. Loving Christians would do all they possibly could to help out someone in need, experiencing affliction and distress.
The fact it this: I believe there are are many of us who believe this and live this out in our daily lives! Not every situation is at it seems and not everyone knows all the facts as to what they make judgments on. I know that God is loving and kind and takes care of those who are His and who seek Him with their whole heart!!! His grace, love and mercy is infinite to those who claim it!!!
I know I want to show the Love of God to my Mom, and I plan to do just that. I want to show her the forgiveness God has for each of us even though she doesn't walk that out in her life with me. I know I don't know what it is like to loose a spouse, but I know what hurt and pain are like and that God is the only one who can fill that hole. I know that to be spiteful back to my Mom will only increase the drama and will not be pleasing to the One who has paid for all my sins.
Though this relative has an opinion and viewpoint of the situation, I am keenly aware that not all the facts are known nor is the situation fully understood therefore the judgment is biased and not completely accurate. I can and will be loving in spite of this added element to an already complicated picture.
So what is the true meaning of James 1:27?
Is that to just give someone everything because they are an orphan or widow?
Is that to just take their word that they are hard up just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to not consider the situation and take all reports into reflection just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to believe that the truth is always being told just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to ensure they face no hardship in life just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to not hold them accountable for their own responsibilities just because they are an orphan or a widow?
What do you believe the true meaning of this verse is? Do you believe you live it as you should?
Real, true religion from God the Father's perspective is caring for the orphans and widows who suffer needlessly and resisting the evil influence of the world. - The Voice
Anyone out there believe this passage?
James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
To the average individual, it would look like this person was reminding us all of something. To the person who wasn't related, who didn't have inside details, who didn't know the truth, they wouldn't see the open rebuke and criticism.
The verse holds truth. It is a command to each of us that love God. However, the details behind the post is what makes that information hard to read.
I had heard from others about the post before I actually saw it myself due to the fact that I was working against the clock up until my departure last Wednesday for Nevada, Arizona and California and a 5 day Vacation to see Friends and Family and spend time out in Dumont Sand Dunes in Baker, CA. I hadn't seen the post until today. Though I can appreciate the truth in that verse, I can't appreciate the message that person was trying to send, why? Because I know more of the details behind it.
The widow is my Mom.
The people this person believes are not living pure religion and being defiled are me, other family and "the Christians". This person believes that a Godly daughter would not be in this position with her Mom. Loving Christians would do all they possibly could to help out someone in need, experiencing affliction and distress.
The fact it this: I believe there are are many of us who believe this and live this out in our daily lives! Not every situation is at it seems and not everyone knows all the facts as to what they make judgments on. I know that God is loving and kind and takes care of those who are His and who seek Him with their whole heart!!! His grace, love and mercy is infinite to those who claim it!!!
I know I want to show the Love of God to my Mom, and I plan to do just that. I want to show her the forgiveness God has for each of us even though she doesn't walk that out in her life with me. I know I don't know what it is like to loose a spouse, but I know what hurt and pain are like and that God is the only one who can fill that hole. I know that to be spiteful back to my Mom will only increase the drama and will not be pleasing to the One who has paid for all my sins.
Though this relative has an opinion and viewpoint of the situation, I am keenly aware that not all the facts are known nor is the situation fully understood therefore the judgment is biased and not completely accurate. I can and will be loving in spite of this added element to an already complicated picture.
So what is the true meaning of James 1:27?
Is that to just give someone everything because they are an orphan or widow?
Is that to just take their word that they are hard up just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to not consider the situation and take all reports into reflection just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to believe that the truth is always being told just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to ensure they face no hardship in life just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to not hold them accountable for their own responsibilities just because they are an orphan or a widow?
What do you believe the true meaning of this verse is? Do you believe you live it as you should?
Real, true religion from God the Father's perspective is caring for the orphans and widows who suffer needlessly and resisting the evil influence of the world. - The Voice
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Memorial has been rescheduled
I was at the airport headed home today when Terry called to let me know that the Memorial for my Dad has been rescheduled for Friday, February 22nd at 1pm at the Sunset Hills Memorial Park and Mortuary.
Please be in continued prayer for the family and friends that will attend.
Please be in continued prayer for the family and friends that will attend.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
song ~ how he loves
How He Loves
by David Crowder
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.
by David Crowder
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Memorial for Dad has been postponed/canceled
I got word today from Terry that the Memorial that was set for my Dad this Friday, February 15th, 2013 at 1pm at Sunset Hills Memorial Park & Mortuary in Apple Valley, CA has been postponed/canceled. When I asked my brother the reason, he told me it was because Mom found out I was coming.
No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings. She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed. And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God. Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.
My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled. My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad. It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away. This is what made me angry. It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.
This is disturbing to me.
On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day. I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming. He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth. I said, what? He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that. I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial. If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one. There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life. Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life. She is not desperate. She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money. If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out? You bet we would! And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her. However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs. These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.
No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings. She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed. And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God. Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.
My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled. My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad. It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away. This is what made me angry. It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.
This is disturbing to me.
On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day. I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming. He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth. I said, what? He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that. I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial. If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one. There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life. Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life. She is not desperate. She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money. If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out? You bet we would! And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her. However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs. These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Dad has gone to Heaven!
Thankful that Dad is in a better place! His misery is over. He is in heaven. He will suffer no more. God is loving and merciful to let him go!
He passed away at 10:10pm last night.
I am doing good and appreciative of all my friends who have prayed and supported me through this time.
He passed away at 10:10pm last night.
I am doing good and appreciative of all my friends who have prayed and supported me through this time.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
another update on Dad
Not sure what is true in all this, will just report what I have been told and not verified:
Dad was moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility on Tuesday. He pulled out his feeding tube and was transported to the Hospital for it to be put back in. Enroute, he had a cardiac arrest. They revived him and put him on a ventilator. He is now in the ICU. They will be removing this as he has a hemorrhage in the brain. The doctor reported that he doesn't expect him to make it through the night.
Please be in prayer that if this is truly Dad's state that he may go quickly and peacefully.
Dad was moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility on Tuesday. He pulled out his feeding tube and was transported to the Hospital for it to be put back in. Enroute, he had a cardiac arrest. They revived him and put him on a ventilator. He is now in the ICU. They will be removing this as he has a hemorrhage in the brain. The doctor reported that he doesn't expect him to make it through the night.
Please be in prayer that if this is truly Dad's state that he may go quickly and peacefully.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Dad has been moved
Today, Dad has been moved, by ambulance, out of the Hospital to a Facility near where my parents live.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
working through this time and the feelings it brings
I have been facing a gamete of emotions the last few weeks.
It truly is hard to explain to people who cannot fathom the upbringing and treatment you experienced as a child. It is hard to put into words the things I am feeling. Trying to explain to people that yes, though my Dad wrote me a letter to ask for forgiveness, doesn't wipe away all the years of pain, hurt, suffering, comments, actions, or feelings. These things are apart of me. They are what I experienced and those things cannot be erased. The things I faced are what made me who I am. However, though those things are apart of me, there are aspects where I have grown beyond them, worked through them and know that they weren't right. But even when you have worked through something, there are still times the questions come, but why?
I can only tell you I don't have those answers. I don't believe "because it is a sin cursed earth" is the answer. There are people who don't experience these things on a sin cursed earth, they experience loving parents who care deeply about them and show them. I must tell you that though I have been miles and miles and miles away for 15 years and am not in communication or have a relationship with my family, it still only takes just a few minutes to put me back in that zone and I get immensely tense. It takes sheer will power to think positive thoughts, to fight the negative feelings, to not well up and lash out, it takes holding my breath and praying for God's strength to get through this moment when I feel things I don't want to feel. In many ways, I regret this, but I have found no way to stop the feelings and found that this is the only way I make it through it. It is through these continued experiences that I am learning that I only can ask the Lord to help me with the feelings, knowing he understands more than anyone else could or would.
These times also make me wonder, how well have I truly worked through my childhood? I don't know. Will there ever come a time that I will not feel the hurt anymore? I don't know. Will there ever be a time that my Mom won't have a hold on me, like she so easily can in just a few seconds? I don't know. But I do know this, I will never second guess my move to Texas in September 1997. That mark on my life was the turning point of a new path that has led me to where I am today and I can only Thank God that I listened and followed where He was leading. The realization of that makes me increase my faith now, at a time when things seem full of chaos, when I don't understand the events that are happening, when the stirring up of past emotions and events is high, that I truly allow Him to have his perfect work in me and take these things to a new level, let them work for good in my life. Even if the resolution of the hurt never happens, I know God still understands and he knows that there are things that do still hurt, hurt deeply. I can try really hard to explain to others, but there is an aspect where they will never truly understand. This is what gets me through these times when people makes statements and say things that they think I should or shouldn't be doing. This helps me be loving to them when I feel the comments are not so loving.
Am I willing to go see my Dad? Yes, I am if there is something I can do for him. But at this point, Mom has the medical power of attorney and my input into that situation wouldn't be received. I truly believe that Dad doesn't have any desire or anything to live for [can you blame him???], so what benefit is there to encourage him to hold on? It isn't like Dad is going to come live with me, I can't make his life better and if I could, Mom wouldn't allow it. Dad hasn't stood up to Mom for the last 37 years, what would make him do so now? I am not convinced that my presence will make things better for him. I do know this, it would create stress in me beyond words. When you know what you are thought of by your Mom, you know deep down what you would be facing and the feelings it produces in me are not comforting. From the fact that I have bangs (which I have had since 2009) that she considers to be "wordly", to the clothes I would wear (lots of black which she states is because I have so much sin in my life and not enough gathers/pleats in my skirts to please her modesty guidelines), to the fact my hair is trimmed, to the fact that I am independent lady that is not under any authority of a man (which she despises), that I make money, own my own home, and the list goes on and on and on. No, none of this is inviting to me. I have prayed asking God to give me direction to help me know if this is what I should do even though I don't want to, because if He does, I will do it. I have not found that He wants me there. When that changes, I will go.
Your continued prayers for me, my blog followers, my friends, my sister's in Christ, is deeply appreciated!
It truly is hard to explain to people who cannot fathom the upbringing and treatment you experienced as a child. It is hard to put into words the things I am feeling. Trying to explain to people that yes, though my Dad wrote me a letter to ask for forgiveness, doesn't wipe away all the years of pain, hurt, suffering, comments, actions, or feelings. These things are apart of me. They are what I experienced and those things cannot be erased. The things I faced are what made me who I am. However, though those things are apart of me, there are aspects where I have grown beyond them, worked through them and know that they weren't right. But even when you have worked through something, there are still times the questions come, but why?
I can only tell you I don't have those answers. I don't believe "because it is a sin cursed earth" is the answer. There are people who don't experience these things on a sin cursed earth, they experience loving parents who care deeply about them and show them. I must tell you that though I have been miles and miles and miles away for 15 years and am not in communication or have a relationship with my family, it still only takes just a few minutes to put me back in that zone and I get immensely tense. It takes sheer will power to think positive thoughts, to fight the negative feelings, to not well up and lash out, it takes holding my breath and praying for God's strength to get through this moment when I feel things I don't want to feel. In many ways, I regret this, but I have found no way to stop the feelings and found that this is the only way I make it through it. It is through these continued experiences that I am learning that I only can ask the Lord to help me with the feelings, knowing he understands more than anyone else could or would.
These times also make me wonder, how well have I truly worked through my childhood? I don't know. Will there ever come a time that I will not feel the hurt anymore? I don't know. Will there ever be a time that my Mom won't have a hold on me, like she so easily can in just a few seconds? I don't know. But I do know this, I will never second guess my move to Texas in September 1997. That mark on my life was the turning point of a new path that has led me to where I am today and I can only Thank God that I listened and followed where He was leading. The realization of that makes me increase my faith now, at a time when things seem full of chaos, when I don't understand the events that are happening, when the stirring up of past emotions and events is high, that I truly allow Him to have his perfect work in me and take these things to a new level, let them work for good in my life. Even if the resolution of the hurt never happens, I know God still understands and he knows that there are things that do still hurt, hurt deeply. I can try really hard to explain to others, but there is an aspect where they will never truly understand. This is what gets me through these times when people makes statements and say things that they think I should or shouldn't be doing. This helps me be loving to them when I feel the comments are not so loving.
Am I willing to go see my Dad? Yes, I am if there is something I can do for him. But at this point, Mom has the medical power of attorney and my input into that situation wouldn't be received. I truly believe that Dad doesn't have any desire or anything to live for [can you blame him???], so what benefit is there to encourage him to hold on? It isn't like Dad is going to come live with me, I can't make his life better and if I could, Mom wouldn't allow it. Dad hasn't stood up to Mom for the last 37 years, what would make him do so now? I am not convinced that my presence will make things better for him. I do know this, it would create stress in me beyond words. When you know what you are thought of by your Mom, you know deep down what you would be facing and the feelings it produces in me are not comforting. From the fact that I have bangs (which I have had since 2009) that she considers to be "wordly", to the clothes I would wear (lots of black which she states is because I have so much sin in my life and not enough gathers/pleats in my skirts to please her modesty guidelines), to the fact my hair is trimmed, to the fact that I am independent lady that is not under any authority of a man (which she despises), that I make money, own my own home, and the list goes on and on and on. No, none of this is inviting to me. I have prayed asking God to give me direction to help me know if this is what I should do even though I don't want to, because if He does, I will do it. I have not found that He wants me there. When that changes, I will go.
Your continued prayers for me, my blog followers, my friends, my sister's in Christ, is deeply appreciated!
Friday, February 1, 2013
too much stress
I thought I was handling all this stress well and trying not to get put back into a zone I left from for a reason...but after 10 days of pain in my jaw (due to evidently clinching my teeth), I have realized I am letting it affect me more than I should. I saw the dentist on Tuesday and he adjusted my bite to help with the pain and confirmed the muscle in my jaw is swollen. Over the years, my dentist has told me that I clinch my teeth and may be grinding too. He has seen improvements over the last few years and I had hoped I was not doing it as much as I used to. I have been learning to focus on what I do and how I respond. However, it may be time that I have to get a mouth guard and spend the money even though I didn't want to. Thankfully, it is not an issue TMJ and the joint.
I have never been one to be able to hide my feelings very well, my face shows everything even if my mouth is shut. I think this can be both a good and bad thing. I love my clients and hope they can be patient with me through this time. The fine line of caring and wanting the best for everyone who is not on that same page, and yet deal with the unexplainable motives, thoughts and actions by people who should care the most is tough.
May God give me the strength, grace and wisdom for this situation. He knows I need Him! Thanks again for the prayers.
I have never been one to be able to hide my feelings very well, my face shows everything even if my mouth is shut. I think this can be both a good and bad thing. I love my clients and hope they can be patient with me through this time. The fine line of caring and wanting the best for everyone who is not on that same page, and yet deal with the unexplainable motives, thoughts and actions by people who should care the most is tough.
May God give me the strength, grace and wisdom for this situation. He knows I need Him! Thanks again for the prayers.
psalm 36:5
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| We cannot grasp His love. "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. {Psalm 36:5} |
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
song ~ the greatness of our God
Granma in the hospital too
My Granma Omi is in the hospital. She has pneumonia, on top of her pulmonary fibrosis that she has been dealing with for years. She has made it much longer than anyone thought she would and this is a blessing. Please pray for Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna. This is a trying time on top of the situation with my Dad, Dana's brother.
update on Dad
From the information we have received consistenly to date, it appears that Dad has given up on the fight..my prayer is that the state he is in now will be only as long as is necessary and that he can move on to a better place in Heaven!
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