a gift from a friend...

I got home from my trip to Utopia Day 1, Utopia Day 2, and the special event with Jennifer to a package sitting on my front porch from one of my dear friends, Janelle.  It was a gift and came with this message on the inside of the package:

note from Janelle

This is what she got me:

a sign I wanted...

I love that sign!!! You may or may not remember a post in which I mentioned if I knew where I could get one made just like this, I would.  Janelle evidently paid attention to that wish of mine and she did just that!  She got it as a gift just for me!  Wow!!!  Talk about a special gift that means a bunch to me.  I love this verse!  It is my desire to be that to you, my friend, encourage you in this Courageous Journey!

where I hung it in the Kitchen/Dinning Room

This item will be one of those that I try to make a mad dash and grab if this place ever goes up in smoke.  Yup.  It will be a treasured piece.

love my stand in Mom's

Happy MOTHERS Day to all the stand in Mom's in my life!  Each of you have a special place in my heart and I Love You and Thank You for being one to me.  May God richly bless you for your efforts to show me love, true love.

light vs dark

Have you ever given much thought to the differences between Light and Dark?  They both have uses and they both have their place.  

light is white.  dark is black.

light makes things visible.  dark makes things obscured.

light gives energy.  dark brings rest.

light creates an airy feeling.  dark brings more of a closed in feeling.

light brings air.  dark brings a feeling of no air. 

light bring warmth.  dark brings coolness.

there is no argument when you walk into the room with light who has to leave...the dark can't stay in the light, not possible.

When you think of Light vs Dark, what comes to mind?  Do you have any analogies of Light vs Dark?  

As I think about the traits of both of them and how God created us to be "lights in a dark world", it is obvious that some of the characteristics of these terms can bring a strong visual image of how we are to live our lives.  Is your Light on?  Or have you turned it out?  

Go be a Light in this Dark world!

my friend Miki

Miki  & Jim

This is my friend Miki.  You have heard me talk about her in previous posts.  She is one of the ladies from my Woman's Bible Study Group.  Her and her husband had me over for Thanksgiving 2012.  They are dear Christian Friends of mine!  I thought you would want to meet her virtually.  ;)  

road blocks. detours. dead ends.

Road blocks. 

Detours. 

Dead Ends. 

Waiting for God's direction. His ways are not my ways. His plans are better than mine. His goals include more than I could imagine. 

Patience. Prayer. Faith. 
More patience. More prayer. More faith. 
More. 
I need more!

galatians 1:10

Do you think I care about the approval of men or about the approval of God? Do you think I am on a mission to please people? If I am still spinning my wheels trying to please men, then there is no way I can be a servant of the Anointed One, the Liberating King. 
- Galatians 1:10 [The Voice]

what a smile means to me

The smile on my face doesn't mean my life is perfect. It just means that I appreciate what I have and what God has blessed me with. 
- Cheyenne Roy

decision to move forward with Professional Counseling

After the situation that transpired with a client in March and the effects that it has had on me, and effects that continued longer then I expected to have to deal with them, I felt it best to get Professional Counseling.  I have been opposed to this for many reasons, first, it has not been something that was encouraged or deemed appropriate by The Assembly and therefore I never considered it.  Second, I have felt that I have done really well to work through much of what I experienced in my life as a child and really didn't want to deal with pulling out stuff in the closets, digging through the trash, debriding a wound, or think further on the stuff.  However, I have had a hard time pulling myself out of this this round and felt maybe it is time to move forward with more growth.  Though to do so will be work, cause pain, bring more pruning, and have a ripple effect, it just might be time.  I have been told over the years by doctors, two clients, and previous coworkers that I should consider and really need professional counseling.  I fought it.  I now am listening.

I have interviewed and met with three female Christian Counselors.  I liked each one of them.  The first one was $150 a session, the same cost as my business attorney charges me for an hour of her time.  Ouch.  I simply can't afford that even if you have lots of experience with abuse.  The second one was 75-90 minutes one way from my house which means that I am looking at 4 hours out of my day to go for counseling.  She had a sliding scale and would have charged me $50 a session, much more reasonable.  However, I don't have that kind of time to spend just traveling on the road, especially since at this time, I don't have clients in the geographical area of her location and therefore its way majorly out of my way.  The third one I met with is located in my town and the cost is $45 a session.  The drawback is that she due in less than a month to have her baby and will be taking some time off, but felt we could get in at least two sessions before her time off.  I opted to get started with her and do whatever sessions I could with her.

My homework was to make a list of things that I don't like from this experience and how I am feeling about counseling.

List of Things that I Don't Like from this Experience:

• lack of motivation to do anything
• frequent tears/emotion
• nightmares/flashbacks/memories
• no desire to work (and I believe I am a workaholic)
• not hungry/don't care to eat
• that I can't shake this funk I am in
• that after all these years, something like this can turn my world upside down
• reading my Bible/Praying doesn't seem to bring peace or comfort
• don't want to have to deal with this
• don't understand why God allowed this
• feelings of hatred and despising men again
• feel cornered and boxed in with no options
• the plan to do counseling makes me nervous and apprehensive

Well, that plan is not going to work.  I showed up this morning for my first session having completed my homework assignment and learned she had gone into the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, she has to take care of herself and the baby and this is the most important thing, but I left there in tears.  I was frustrated.  It seems that after 3 attempts, this plan to get Professional Counseling is not working.  

Is this not what God wants for me?  Does he have someone else who would be a better fit?  How long am I supposed to wait for an answer?  What am I supposed to think of all this?  I don't know the answers, but I know I had a God Moment right after that.  I got this from a friend before I had even made it back to my car [and she had no clue what I was going through at that moment when she sent it...she was just being a messenger of God]:

Thinking of you this morning and I'm praying you'll have a great week. Love you!

Wow!  He knew that I needed it and he sent a friend at the right time to encourage me.  God has a plan, I must wait and be patient.

Quotes

1st Texas Ranger Game

Michelle & I

Bucket List Checkoff: 

1st ever LIVE Texas Rangers Game in the stands with Michelle and her boss, Dave, and his wife Carol.  We had absolutely lovely weather to enjoy it!  

[To clarify, I have been to The Ballpark in Arlington when the Texas Rangers have been playing for a networking event held in the suites, but never to just see the game.]  

Oh, let me not forget, we won!!!

my view to the field

[romans 8:18]

keep walking

When you are walking through a valley & you do not feel the presence of God - keep walking. 
When you feel like giving up - keep walking. 
When it hurts - keep walking. 
For the God of the mountains is still your God in the valley's - keep walking. 
- Dr. Tony Evans 

Quotes

Worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want.
 - unknown

[romans 5:8]

I spent a quiet morning at home today preparing for my day, before heading out for a first time experience of Sunday School, enjoying the overcast sky, the cool air after my morning walk, the lack of having to hurry out the door, praying, asking God to be with me, particularly as I continue to work through a bunch of thoughts and feelings in my heart and mind right now that are overflowing with memories and issues from my childhood since this incident with a client.  Things that are making every day life hard.  Things that I thought I had resolved and dealt with, coming back to haunt me.  Things that have created nightmares, flashbacks and heartache.  Things I would rather run from then have to face.  Things that are making me an emotional mess, which is not me, I am not a crier...but I am right now, tears brim over my eyelids and stream down my face and I fight to be able to say anything.

I have created a list on Facebook of spiritual pages, ministries, and bible companies I follow so that I can just read them as a news feed spending time with God alone in this way so that I will not see anything by my friends, networking connections, companies or pages I like.  I created this so that when I want to spend some time with God, besides His Word, I can have Facebook with Jesus or Jesus Time on Facebook [whichever way you prefer it said].  As I was reading and sorting through the things I was seeing in my news feed, this above image was posted.  It grabbed me.  It made my heart stop and Thank God for once again, being there for me, in my darkest.  The darkest parts of my life that I face when others turn away.  When people don't understand what I am facing.  When people assume you just need to "move on" or "get over it".  When people say hurtful things.  When the pain is just overwhelming.  When nothing seems to bring comfort.  When things that were once sunny get overcast, turn dark, gloomy, even rain and bring storms, God loves me.  He LOVES me!  

He loves me during this really hard time.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows what is hurting.  He knows my past.  He knows why all this is hard.  He knows that it has turned my world upside down and made it dark.  He cares, beyond it all.

Even in my darkest moment in life, He loves me!  He is the light in my dark.

Gma Potter is in heaven!

Mary Ellen Potter
1913 - 2013

This lady is a very special lady.  She had a huge heart, an awesome chuckle, a smile just for you and made you feel really special!  We adopted her as our "granma" growing up.  She introduced to Granma's Cobler - a cherry pie filling topped with a white cake mix, bits of butter and nuts (other varieties were created, but this was the original).  When she moved from California to Virginia, I wrote her every week, without fail.  It was a highlight in my life...and in hers too.  It started as a task assigned by my Mom to encourage someone else and to be a weekly duty to "keep me out of trouble" but turned into something that was heartfelt.  You will be missed my friend!

Quotes

I want to understand the mind of God, everything else is just details.
- Albert Einstein

love God. love people. share Jesus.

garage sale success!

Have you ever done a garage sale?  A BIG GARAGE SALE?  Then you know when I tell you that it was a looonnnnnnngggggggggggggg, very long day, that I mean it. 

I got up at 6am to be ready to open at 7am.  People were driving by at 6.30am hoping we were already open.  Nope.  Not yet peeps.  Give us some time to finish splashing the water on our eyelids and dreaming of coffee without madness and we will be out soon!

I have spent much of the last month, fifteen minutes here, an hour here or there, sorting through boxes, closets, drawers, reorganizing, culling items not used, and getting rid of stuff to sell.  I have worked full time for 17+ years and spent my hard earned money the last 15+ years "setting up house" for a mode and plan of being married and having kids. Neither of which has been part of God's plan for me.  None of my things I was culling and selling were "wedding gifts" or other "gifts", except one or two  or three things like a puzzle and Norman Rockwell ceramic bell.  Nearly 100% of the items I was selling were things I spent my hard earned money on.  Since I have finally realized that I have been living and planning for a life that is not what I live and neither of these things are part of my life, it is time, officially time, to move on and shape my life for what it is.

This process, was not always an easy process.  If you have never had to do something like this, you may not understand.  If JW Cotten isn't your great granpa, you may not know what it is like to keep stuff and not part with it.  I mean it!!!  Sometimes I simply had to will myself to do the right thing because it was the right thing to do and ignore the hurt to see the money spent and in reality, wasted.  You might think it is easy to part with things that you have never used or hardly used or spent money on that are still in prestige shape.  It's not.  

Who wants to get rid of pizza pans never used?  You see, I grew up eating Homemade Pizza every Friday Night.  Without Fail.  But making Pizza for one person isn't so much fun.  Especially when wheat is no longer apart of your diet.  Pizza?  But maybe someday you will have a bunch of people over and have a Pizza Party and so you keep them.  Lots of them because at home you never had enough pizza pans.

Who wants to get rid of 10 mini cheesecake springform pans never used?  I mean, it looks so fun to make mini cheesecakes or mini chocolate lovers chocolate cakes.  And that would be so easy and fun to do.  But you never have because after a long day at work or full week of work, its just not the fun thing to think about doing anymore.

Who wants to get rid of an Villa Maker indoor ice cream/sorbet/gelato maker, that has never used in 5 or 6 years since purchased brand new at Target?  I mean it is small, can make just a few servings and seems so neat to make ice cream or sorbet or gelato.  But I have never used it.  If I want sorbet, I get one scoop at either Paciugo or Baskin Robbins.  If I want gelato, I eat it at Jennifer's when she makes it.  If I want ice cream, I get a scoop for free on my Birthday from my Birthday Club Coupon from Marble Slab Creamery or Cold Stone Creamery.  I don't make Ice Cream other than for the Ice Cream Parties at church.  Who am I kidding?  Yah, just myself.  I have figured that out now.  I want to make something like this, but am I really going to eat all it makes, just me?  No.  [I later researched and should have sold this on eBay or Amazon because I could have gotten much more for it - like $65 - than the $7.50 it sold for on an asking price of $15!!!  These are the things that are utterly gut wrenching and difficult to think about and though I try not to, they still haunt me.]

Who wants to get rid of half your glass vase collection?  I have done many Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, Parties and have used my collection...but only once did I use my collection to this amount.  Though these are beautiful, things not used taking up space begin to feel like wasted stuff.  And stuff begins to feel like junk, no matter how nice it is.  You think I am joking?  Let's not mention that having all this stuff you can't use because you have to work to make a living doesn't help breed contentment, peace, and calmness.

I was the decorator for Sarah & Travis wedding...this is the Sweet Table we had at the reception following the wedding ceremony.  

I made three table cloths like this and bought nearly all the vases (other than a few already in my collection and 3 borrowed from friends) to do this arrangement.  There are 17 glass vases pictured here, which was not my any means my complete collection.  I kept 9 and sold 15 of them at the Garage Sale today.

...Yes, its a bitter sweet process.  

Even after all this, I still have more than plenty, way MORE than plenty.  I still have more work to do to create a home environment that fits my lifestyle, but I am working on it and am inspired by the beginning of this great process!

lovely Beveled Screen Glass & Wood Room Divider 

purchased June 2005 and sold today for $75!!!

The day started out very cold but as the sun came out it warmed up, though it continued to be windier then we needed and it drained your skin dry.  In the end after 9 hours and skin bright red it was a complete success!!!  We did $1800 together, of which I made $683 and spent $2 on a wooden silverware chest from Jo, so I netted $681.00!!!  Yes, much more than I thought I would and that is an incredible amount of money being that the screen pictured above was my only pricey thing other than a stereo that sold for $30.  This is $89 shy of being two house payments!  And that is exactly where the money is going to go, straight towards two extra house payments.  I am also going to take 10% and give it as a gift to those that helped me do this work because I did not do it alone.  :)  

I plan to do another garage sale at my place in 2-3 weeks and sell the 1/4 to 1/3 of stuff I brought home.  I also plan to keep up the work of simplifying and getting rid of what I do not need.

song ~ beautiful

Beautiful
by Mercy Me

Days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

Chorus
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to fight
'Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Chorus
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful! You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful! You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

struggling to make sense of the emotions

The last three weeks have been incredibly tough.  In many ways, it feels like it has been eons of time and yet at the same time feels like yesterday.  I am facing nightmares.  Tears with no notice.  A lack of an appetite.  Very easily startled.  No desire to work.  No motivation or desire to do anything.  Deadlines are the only thing pushing me forward.  

Why you ask?  

The incident with a client on 03.23.2013 has rocked my world.  It has made the 1st 20 years of my life once again, very vivid.  Memories flood the brain, the heart, the body, the feelings, my very existence and I can't shake them off.  I feel  am in a funk.  Scripture doesn't seem to bring hope.  I only feel dead.  There are no words for this.  There is no way to describe the feeling to someone who has never experienced such a horrific state of life.  I have finally admitted to myself that I am fighting anger.  Anger at someone who has turned my world upside down.  Once again, anger at men in general.  All they seem to do is create pain in your life.  I have no need for them.  My life is fine without them.  To argue differently with me right now would be pointless, so please don't try.  You haven't walked in my shoes. And I wouldn't want you to!!!

Why did God allow this?  What am I to learn?  How is this supposed to be good for me?  I donno the answers to those questions yet, though at the moment I am not even trying to figure the answer out.  I know His plan for my journey is perfect and if I trust Him in this [again] He will give me the strength to face these emotions that have me turned upside down.  He will work this out for my good.  Somehow.  Someway.  It will be pieced together in the puzzle and the end result will be a picture that brings glory for Him.  Not for me.

Was I ready for this?  No.  Am I delighting in my extreme trial at the moment?  No.  I won't lie to you.  I am not taking this in stride and I am emotionally sick.  If I had my way I would run away.  Where too?  Somewhere where I didn't feel what I am feeling now.  Somewhere where I could escape.  Somewhere where it erased it all. Somewhere where I wasn't feeling pain.  For now, there is no way to escape and I must endure this.  God has called me to endure this.  For Him.  It is in that that, and only in that, that I have courage.  

Quotes

Every Champion has convictions. But perennial champions have convictions based on foundations. These foundations become his first line of defense when facing adversity.
- Seven Days In Utopia