open journal: things I am facing through counseling

If you are my friend or blogging follower, you know that I share a bunch about me, the hard core personal stuff some people keep hidden deep inside the walls of their heart and mind.  I get mocked frequently for putting things on my blog that "I can't believe you have the guts to do"...or..."you really share more than I think is healthy"...or...numerous other comments.

I continue to share.  You don't have to agree.  You don't have to like it.  You don't have to read.  I don't have my blog for followers, I have my blog because I like to write and I want to keep a journal of my life and the Courageous Journey I am on.  I want to encourage you to have faith through the dark times.  To fight when you want to give up.  You can choose to participate and share in my journey, or you can jump off.  Please, there is no need for you to feel obligated.

I started Professional Counseling the first Monday in June.  The process has been in some ways as I anticipated it would be, challenging, gut wrenching and has made me relive moments that I wish I could forever forget.  What I did not expect was that it would at times make me an emotional mess.  Some of this was expected as I had been told by every counselor that I interviewed with and from others who have done this process that it gets harder before it gets better.  No amount of mental preparation gets you ready for harder.  

How much harder was an aspect I had not expected to face.  As one who is very goal oriented [sometimes to a fault as I don't stop and smell the roses] I am typically not a procrastinator [in general, though I have things I prefer to put off until it has to be done], I find doing my homework between sessions challenging and put this off.  Largely because I easily get back into the feeling and mood of my childhood.  And once there, I can't seem to shake it.  I know no other words to describe it than to say I get in a funk.  Though I try desperately to distance myself from the feelings that overcome me, I can't.  I find it really hard to "explain" things and answer questions like "why" when in many ways I don't know why.  It was just the way it was, how do you explain why?  

Things that I thought were normal, very routine and everyone faced, I am realizing the stark reality that my childhood was extremely messed up.  I think a part of me was hoping that through counseling my fears of this reality would have been resolved.  I also feel hearing myself tell this story means I am admitting this fact and that crushes me.  I wish I could explain why.  I can't.  

Knowing my parents forbid me to ever discuss my childhood doesn't make it any easier.  

I can't change my story...my childhood...what I faced.  So why do I fear telling it?  Why am I afraid?  What is causing my fear?  What makes me feel you are going to look down on me?  What makes me ashamed of being an overcomer through what I faced?  Why do I feel that my story doesn't matter?

I am hoping with time I understand why I feel like this.  I hope with time I can not feel the way I do...but as I approach 6 weeks of this, I know I have got some hard work ahead of me!  Today I have made a list of reasons to keep me going...  

• I will not quit.
• I will not give up.  
• I will not loose heart.  
• I will not give in.  
• I will not succumb.  
• I will not be discouraged.  
• I will not be sad.  
• I will fight.
• I will prosper.  
• I will be victorious.
• I will be diligent to stay focused on the end goal.
• No matter what my past story is...God is with me and I am a Princess of The King!
• My motto to Seize The Day and live a Courageous Journey will continue to be my theme!

What will I learn from this process?  God only knows.  

What is the goal in counseling?  The goal is to write my story as it actually happened with the end goal to rewrite my story with the truth of my life's story God's way.  I have to keep that picture as the focus of what I am trying to achieve to not loose heart.  This is what fuels me forward.  This is what I will focus on.  I can't focus on each session or my homework.