Quotes

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
~ Psalm 16:8, NLT

God Story: prayers with a client

Yesterday, I began my day encouraged, refreshed after some prayer time, very energized from my early morning walk, inspired to tackle the day and confident that I would get a lot done.  

But the feeling didn't last.  I started feeling overwhelmed with the tasks at hand and some serious situations going on with clients, and this was clinched by a phone call in which I was yelled at by a client's employee, which may have been avoided if I had not dropped the ball with something and the very thing I didn't want to happen occured!!!  I was frustrated.  All this came toppling down on me and the feelings were making me feel like a failure.  A complete failure.  I easily feel like one, doesn't take much after being told your entire life that you are never good enough, you never, ever, feel good enough.  Along with some glitches in technology making things not go too smoothly, I was struggling to be calm, not have anxiety.  I was having a hard time feeling like I was blessed.  But I am.  Deep down in my heart I know I am!

I arrived at a clients office, determined to go in, get to work and ignore the feelings I was fighting inside from the events of the morning.  My client sensed something wasn't right.  Not too hard, I don't  hide my feelings well.  Both good or bad, somehow if you are keen on being in tune with people, you will know my state of being just by being in my presence and observing my face and demeanor.  I can act like everything is okay, but you see through me like glass.  I am very transparent.  I would not make a good politician because I can't lie.  I can't be fake.

I didn't wish to elaborate, so I pushed him off, hoping he would take a general response without me having to get deep into what I was facing, and said that I was just frustrated.  He didn't let it go.  Darn, my goal to sidestep his question didn't work.  He was learning me well.  He said, I can tell you are Misty.  I decided to take a deep breath, a very deep breath, be me, be completely open as I always am and share my heart, and so I did just that, I shared.  I briefed him, without all the confidential details that needed to be left out of my clients situations, on the circumstances facing me and he said, can I pray with you?  I said absolutely!  This is not the first time this client has done this with me.  We are opposites as much as night and day can be in how we approach life, our personalities, our styles, how I am a neat freak and he is messy, how I am focused and he will allow anything to deter him, how he can procrastinate as the day is long even when I make him a list of items to complete by our next session, etc, but we are brothers and sisters in Christ.  He knows he is a Child of the King, even if there are days he doesn't comprehend God's Love or feel it, he knows the truth!  We have the same hope!  We have the same purpose!  To love God and share it with those around us.  I have been there to encourage him, pray with him & his wife, and now he was there to encourage me!  And that is just what he did.  

He prayed for God to break the strongholds in my life, to remove the frustration which in reality is just repressed anger, to take away the demonic spirit trying to take hold of me, to not let the snake come in and steal my garden and cause me to resent and not trust God, and thus give power to Satan's seeds, to help me remember that I am loved and a Child of the King, to make God my source of strength in my battles, and to use the Gifts I have been given by The Spirit which are the Fruits of The Spirit.

Wow!!!  I had tears.  Nothing like being so vulnerable with a client that you have tears in front of them, a guy at that.  Here I was trying to make it through the frustrations being thrown at me, once again doing what I could for the situation instead of taking it and throwing it all, every bit of it, in God's hands.  Here I was beating myself up for the mistake I made, even though I had apologized, the apology was attacked and the response came with a rebuttal towards my client then, which only added fuel to the fire.  I knew I knew better then to try to tackle this on my own, but I tried anyways.  

This prayer session and petition to God gave me peace.  It suddenly once again put things back into perspective.  God knew all the details.  God knew Satan was trying to win at getting me down and I have to be the one to choose God's power and make Him my source of strength.

He then shared with me some things he is learning in his bible study reading and prayer life with God.  Things he is learning from the trials and hard times in his life.  His faith in God is real.  His endeavor to live out I Thessalonians 5:11 is true.  I don't see everything the way he does and he gave me some stuff to go study more, but I love the fact that he is willing to share God with me!

I wish I had time to daily write and blog about my God Stories.  I am amazed at the people God brings and uses in your life to teach you, inspire you, encourage you, refine your armor and keep you motivated on this courageous journey of faith.  He is ALIVE!  He empowers me in ways I never dreamed.  These situations that happen give me goose bumps.  I love my God!!!

word of the day...{magnanimous}

It's been a long time since I did the "Word of The Day" theme.  I was reminded when I learned a new word!  Maybe I should get back to doing that?  For now...learn this new word with me.

mag·nan·i·mous   [mag-nan-uh-muhs]  adjective
generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness; high-minded; noble; proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.

Reasons Why I LOVE being Single

So once again, I got misunderstood in my post 5 Reasons I am Single.  Someone said, you don't sound like you are truly happy being single.  I was like, what???  How could you mistake me.  Believe me, I am!  I just want to be open to "a God's Guy" [stealing Jaime Grace's catch phrase] if that is what He has planned for my life.

Since I got so misunderstood, here are a list of Reasons Why I LOVE being Single!!!

• I can eat when I want and whatever I want.  If I want a stuffed Grilled Portabella Mushroom with Mozzarella and Parmesan cheese for dinner, I can.  If I want an Braeburn Apple, some Laughing Cow Swiss Cheese, and a handful of Pecans for dinner, I can.  I don't have to fix a steak and baked potato for the man of the house.  If I want to eat dinner at 5pm or 9pm, it is totally okay.  Nobody cares but my tummy.  If I don't want to cook because I am too tired, I don't have to beg to be taken out to dinner.  I just take myself out to dinner.  If the budget requires a cheap meal, I get a tostada from Taco Bell for $1.29.  If the budget has no constraints, I go where I want and more times than not, its for sushi!
• If I am tired, I don't have to say "Hey babe, can we go home?".  I grab the car keys and hit the road.  And once I get home, I put the keys on my nightstand and crawl in, no wasting time getting there!
• The full bed in my room is all mine.  I don't share it with anyone which means I get two synthetic down pillows for myself!!! One to put my head on and one to snuggle with!  Oh, and I can cuddle up with the covers up under my chin and not have to worry about "stealing them" from you.  And I only have one alarm to deal with...just mine, not yours too waking me up an hour earlier then I want to be up or me waking you up when you want to sleep in and be lazy.
• I can sleep as long as I like without someone expecting me to cook them breakfast.  But if I want coffee in bed, I have to get up and make it first and then I can crawl back in!
• When I am ready for lights out, there isn't "How much longer do you think you will read?"..or..."Can I turn the light out now?"
• If I wanna go shopping...spend money...do something with friends, I don't need to check your schedule, I just gotta coordinate with mine [which many times can be complicated enough]!
• If I want music on, I put it on.  If I want quiet, I leave it off.  It doesn't matter what anyone else wants because there is nobody else to consult.  There is just me, myself, and I to contend with.
• If I didn't do laundry and/or want to wear the same thing I wore yesterday, nobody knows and nobody cares because nobody saw me!
• The mess?  Yah, there is nobody to fault but myself for the mess.  Nobody makes it messy except me and nobody cleans it up except me.  And, yah, I still have that pile business going on in my bedroom that my Mom detested.  I don't have to worry about if you will detest it too!  
• Nobody to interrupt me when I spend time relaxing out by the pool.  [Except my cell phone, but I can choose to leave that in the house.]
• I don't have to buy multiple types of shampoo & conditioner or wine [and everything else]...I can get JUST what I like.  Nobody else to please!
• I can wear the colors and styles I like.  If you don't, you don't have to compliment me on my outfit.  If you are like my Mom and don't like black...well, it doesn't matter and I wear it anyways because black is Classy!
• and a million more things that are benefits to being single.......but if a God's guy gets sent my way by God, I will adjust...I will reprogram. :)

The moral of my post?  Count your blessing if you are single, they are there!  Make a list if you don't believe me.  Reflect on the things you get to do that your married friends don't get to do.  Single Life is what you make of it!  Have courage and live it to the fullest, you don't know how long it will last.  And no, I don't believe it is "selfish" to enjoy the state of life you are experiencing now.  God created seasons in our lives.  Some last longer than others.  Some are harder than others.  Some have lasting impact.  But your journey will be only as courageous as you make it to be!

And if you aren't single...and you are married, count your blessings, you have a privilege to serve that special person, the love of your life, make the most of it, you never know when that might change!  Go give that person a hug and a kiss [right now].  Nobody said you would be married forever.  

Love like you mean it!!!

Quotes

song ~ I'm Alive

I'm Alive
by Peter Furler

When I was locked inside my head
When I was lost in a maze of doubt
You called my name and woke me up
You called my name and led me out

And when I chased one more mirage
'Til I was tired and parched again
You gave me one more cup to fill
And sent me one more desert rain

I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I was sure of all I knew
I knew the world was mine to claim
I had directions printed out
And then I hit a wall of shame

Out there alone and left to die
Cut off from You, my sole supply
You shed Your tears for me and then
You took my hand and raised me high

I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, yeah, Thank You

I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I, I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

9 months since Surgery!

Today was a special day.  It has been 9 months, to the day, since my surgery.  My doctor was/is impressed with my progression, healing, leveling out of issues, my labs were really good...but beyond that, when he came into the exam room, I told him that I feel wonderful!!!  He told me that I can come see him every day if I am gonna have good news like that.  He was at his wits end knowing what to do with me and this was a huge decision, but the payoff has been tremendous.  I am beyond grateful!!!

Today, I am Praising God! 

‪#‎beyondblessed‬ ‪#‎thankful‬ ‪#‎noregrets‬

Counseling Session #6

I read my blog post about what I am facing through counseling with my counselor today.  Her words were: "That is paramount! If only all of my clients kept that focus in life Misty.  If only, I always kept that focus in life."

We are continuing to work through telling my story, while dealing with drama from my Mom in the midst of this.  My counselor continues to shake her head in disbelief.  She continues to let me know this is not "normal" but it was "my normal". 

Quotes

Find something you're passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.
- Julia Child

my heart and mission

this is my heart and mission as I reflect on my life,

 my childhood,

 my dreams,

 and aspirations for the future...

I want God more than anything!!!

follow Jesus

follow Jesus

open journal: things I am facing through counseling

If you are my friend or blogging follower, you know that I share a bunch about me, the hard core personal stuff some people keep hidden deep inside the walls of their heart and mind.  I get mocked frequently for putting things on my blog that "I can't believe you have the guts to do"...or..."you really share more than I think is healthy"...or...numerous other comments.

I continue to share.  You don't have to agree.  You don't have to like it.  You don't have to read.  I don't have my blog for followers, I have my blog because I like to write and I want to keep a journal of my life and the Courageous Journey I am on.  I want to encourage you to have faith through the dark times.  To fight when you want to give up.  You can choose to participate and share in my journey, or you can jump off.  Please, there is no need for you to feel obligated.

I started Professional Counseling the first Monday in June.  The process has been in some ways as I anticipated it would be, challenging, gut wrenching and has made me relive moments that I wish I could forever forget.  What I did not expect was that it would at times make me an emotional mess.  Some of this was expected as I had been told by every counselor that I interviewed with and from others who have done this process that it gets harder before it gets better.  No amount of mental preparation gets you ready for harder.  

How much harder was an aspect I had not expected to face.  As one who is very goal oriented [sometimes to a fault as I don't stop and smell the roses] I am typically not a procrastinator [in general, though I have things I prefer to put off until it has to be done], I find doing my homework between sessions challenging and put this off.  Largely because I easily get back into the feeling and mood of my childhood.  And once there, I can't seem to shake it.  I know no other words to describe it than to say I get in a funk.  Though I try desperately to distance myself from the feelings that overcome me, I can't.  I find it really hard to "explain" things and answer questions like "why" when in many ways I don't know why.  It was just the way it was, how do you explain why?  

Things that I thought were normal, very routine and everyone faced, I am realizing the stark reality that my childhood was extremely messed up.  I think a part of me was hoping that through counseling my fears of this reality would have been resolved.  I also feel hearing myself tell this story means I am admitting this fact and that crushes me.  I wish I could explain why.  I can't.  

Knowing my parents forbid me to ever discuss my childhood doesn't make it any easier.  

I can't change my story...my childhood...what I faced.  So why do I fear telling it?  Why am I afraid?  What is causing my fear?  What makes me feel you are going to look down on me?  What makes me ashamed of being an overcomer through what I faced?  Why do I feel that my story doesn't matter?

I am hoping with time I understand why I feel like this.  I hope with time I can not feel the way I do...but as I approach 6 weeks of this, I know I have got some hard work ahead of me!  Today I have made a list of reasons to keep me going...  

• I will not quit.
• I will not give up.  
• I will not loose heart.  
• I will not give in.  
• I will not succumb.  
• I will not be discouraged.  
• I will not be sad.  
• I will fight.
• I will prosper.  
• I will be victorious.
• I will be diligent to stay focused on the end goal.
• No matter what my past story is...God is with me and I am a Princess of The King!
• My motto to Seize The Day and live a Courageous Journey will continue to be my theme!

What will I learn from this process?  God only knows.  

What is the goal in counseling?  The goal is to write my story as it actually happened with the end goal to rewrite my story with the truth of my life's story God's way.  I have to keep that picture as the focus of what I am trying to achieve to not loose heart.  This is what fuels me forward.  This is what I will focus on.  I can't focus on each session or my homework.  

song ~ God girl

God Girl

By Jamie Grace

Oh oh oh oh yeah

If my eyes light up with I say your name
And it's written all over my face
Tell me does it make me crazy
Well, maybe I got somethin' that I can't explain
And the beauty of it never changes
It's got me wrapped up
I'm all caught up
I can't help but say

I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
(See, See, See)

And when my ears start hearin' what people say
Hurry up find love cause times tickin' away
Well, I'm not bein' lazy I'm just waiting for
Still waiting for the right boy
Cause I only want to listen to your voice
So I'll be listenin'
Always listenin' to you everyday

Cause I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see

Your name in lights
My biggest dream
My all in all
You're all I need
Hand in hand with the master of all creativity
And I won't stop until I know
All my facebook friends and foes
Look at me and only see one thing

I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm yours

Oh I'm a love girl and I'll always be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see

(Your name in lights)
(Can't change it)
(Can't fake it)
(Can't break it)

(You can't change, can't fake, can't break)
(I'm your girl)

Oh oh oh oh yeah
For the whole wide world,
The whole wide world to see

more texts from my Mom...

Dear Misty, I talked to Daddy-before he passed away, about those things you said. He said you are mixing truth + error, please 4give me of all past sins. Mom Eph 4/32THX.

[I will spare you the responses and further text messages and the two voicemails she left me...none of it is lovely, she obviously is blind and right in her own eyes.]

5 Reasons I am Single

I get asked frequently, "Misty, you don't have a man?"..."Why not?"..."You think wearing a ring on your left hand is gonna get you one?"..."Don't you want to get married?"

Nearly all my friends are married.  According to my Mom's standards, I should be too.  I'm not and don't know if I will ever be.  [We won't go into what she thinks of me since I am not married.]

There was a time this bothered me greatly and it was fueled by a christian environment that put all the focus on girls getting married at a young age to become wives and mothers.  The attributes that were encouraged you learn, live and focus on doing were anything that fed that model.  If it didn't, it wasn't "godly".  

The longer I lived, the more I came to understand what I wanted out of life, the more I realized that your life will change greatly being married [not necessarily a bad thing - just different], the more I realized that just finding a man that "is a Christian" is not enough [it must be a fit beyond just having God apart of your life], the more I realized that God's ways are best and if He doesn't have a man for you - your life can still be an encouragement and you can still have a calling and live a live of purpose and passion as a single gal. The longer I lived away from my childhood - away from a Mom who created fear in me, was hurtful, manipulative, controlling, living a life full of double standards, filled with slander; verbally, emotionally and physically abusive...away from a Father who was distant, who told me that he didn't want me and the only reason they had kids was because Mom wanted them, and who didn't show love to me...and from the man in the medical field who I thought was a someone I could trust but in turn raped me nearly 20 years ago [and yes, unfortunately, I still remember everything as if it was just yesterday], away from the hurtful relationships with family and men to an environment where I created new friendships and relationship that were loving, supportive and positive - the more I realized I had a great life, a really great life, and the more I didn't want to mess that up in anyway with a man in it.  If a man would come into my life and make it better, he was welcome, but if he was gonna destroy the peace I have and the work I have done to become a better person and trust that God loves me and has a plan for my life in spite of the pain, I am not interest and don't want him!  No, I will let no man take away this peace!!! All these things made me realize that they had shaped my life to be who I am and it was easier for me to accept being single.   

Don't get me wrong, it is every girls dream to have her wedding and be married.  It is every girl's dream to meet the prince that will have the slipper and carriage to take her away from the ball...be the one to wake her up out of a dream with a kiss...be the one to ride in on a white horse...to be a real life Nicholas Sparks male character!  To think we don't feel that way is simply being unromantic, which is who we are at heart!  Our dreams are set as a young girl on finding our special man, the one man, that is ours to love with all our heart, mind and soul!

Now, having prefaced all this by telling you I am content being single, I don't want you to think that there aren't days I have my battles with it.  Believe me, I do.  I can be with my friends and watch them interact with the special person in their life whether that be snuggled down on the couch, cooking together in the kitchen, kissing each other, someone to tease, someone that calls to check in and see what you are up to because they want to - they miss you - they love you, or just having a companion to hang out with.  There are days I wonder if I will always be single...but at the same time, none of the reasons I listed above have diminished.  If anything I have become more confident in the fact that if I ever have a man in my life on a serious level beyond just a guy friend [and yes, I have learned you can have guys in your life that are kind and loving, even if I never dreamed that was possible - I love all my guy friends because they have taught me lessons and are still teaching me lessons], he is gonna have to have attributes that draw me to him, I am not getting married "just because".

So I have decided to make a list of reasons I am not married and the next time I get asked, they will have more than one answer:

• I am a God Girl.  This song by Jamie Grace describes it so well!  I want what God wants for me and so far, that has not included a husband.  If it ever does, I will be glad to change gears.
• I want a guy that believes in God, lives for God, wants God apart of every part of his life and wants me to join him in that venture.  
• I am not out "searching" for a man.  If God wants one in my life, He will cause my path to cross his! I believe it without a doubt!!! And if you must know, I don't believe I have the ability to "pick" a man...God is the only one who knows who is a fit for me.  And yes, I believe it will be a perfect fit.
• I am not just looking to get me "a husband".  I want a friend, companion, someone who is giving and loving, someone who makes me smile and lights up my world, someone who wants to go shop with me  [no not like my girlfriends would all day - but he better not detest it] just as much as he wants me to sit and watch football with him [a sport I see not absolute sense in, running after a ball to jump in a heap over???], someone who will love me for the baggage I have and help me unpack it, sort it out, and put it where it belongs; someone who adds more to my life then already exists, someone who wants to make me a better person and will put his heart, mind and soul into doing so, someone who believes and lives a relationship that is a two way street, and someone who wants me and will allow me to love him back the same way and on the same terms that I want to be loved!
• I am not interested in a guy "checking me out" and only interested in me because of what he see's on the outside, the physical attributes God gave me that I can't control.  I am not a trophy girl and don't want to be treated like such.  I am not interested in a husband that only wants to be married to enjoy the marriage relationship because of the intimacy that comes with it and not be a friend.  I want a relationship that is unconditional.  I wanna know true love.  I want him to love me, inside and out, for me!  

So because of those 5 reasons, I don't have a man.  Yes, I have seen many really cute guys.  And some downright handsome guys.  You could say that I have "dated", but all these guys never felt that I was worth it nor could they be a true friend.  They felt that I ask too many questions and some even felt I had/have too high of expectations.  In all honestly, I have had more one sided relationships than dates [otherwise known as a crush or infatuation since the feelings were not mutual or returned] and I am sure there are a million reasons for this...but unless the above things can be meet, I will remain single and am happy to serve my God in this way!

Then you ask, what is the real reason I wear a ring on my left hand?  To deter those guys who are out trying to check me out.  You know the kind of guys I am talking about.  The ones that more than just glance over at you at the stop light and make you wish you had more than sunglasses on because there eyes are piercing straight through you.  The ones at the airport that are completing your sale for a purchase for food before boarding the plane that say, "You on your way home to your man?"  You think I am joking?  This actually happened!  To which I just smiled and did not verbally answer, and he said "I am sure he is one lucky guy".  Those guys.  The ones that make the pit of your stomach wanna lurch.  The ones that are fishing for any bate that will respond.  Believe me, I know that wearing a band on my left hand doesn't stop men from looking, it hasn't.  You think I got these types of questions with or without a band?  Yes, I have with and without as I haven't always worn a band on my left hand, but it does make a difference.  You may not believe me, but I have experienced the difference.  Many men don't care if you are married or not, I know this.  That's not the kind of guy I want.  If he truly wants to get to know me, he will learn the truth and will know that I am single.  That's at the point that it will matter.  Not before.

I had a friend tell me, "Don't you think that is being dishonest?", no, I don't.  If it is, God forgive me, I am not trying to be dishonest.  I simply want to weed out the unqualified applicants that are only interested in me only because of an supposed attraction but not love, not an unconditional relationship.  I don't believe it is dishonest anymore than the widow who doesn't want to remove her ring because she is still in love with her husband that passed.  

For me, I am sold out to God.  He is the one I am committed to.  Period.  No man is gonna take that covenant away from me.  I Love My God and some day, that may mean because of God I get to Love a Man too!  but if it doesn't, believe me, I have a great life and I will live to tell my story praising God for it!!!

#single #stayingstrongforGod #aGodsGirl

psalm 103:10

He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. 
- Psalm 103:10

He doesn't punish you, so don't punish yourself. 
- Matthew West

Counseling Session #5

I don't know how long I will do counseling...or how long I will blog about my sessions, but for now, I want to see the progress and keep myself motivated with moving through this gut wrenching project.

Today I learned:

• Nothing wrong with setting pretty strict boundaries.  Jesus did.  
• My counselor was very proud of how I responded to my Mom, truthful but not hateful.  She was amazed at my guts in the text messages last week, especially two parts.  One, to tell my Mom I love her.  Two, to list all the items I listed that occurred in my childhood and confront her with this.  She loves that I share God's Word with her without quoting scripture.

my relationship with Christians

The other day, one of my friends posted on my Facebook Wall:  I thought you were still with the group in Texas...what happened?

I responded, the simple version of my story is this: I have chosen to meet with the Texas Assembly and attend events and meetings when I feel like it and when I want to. I will no longer feel obligated to be there 5 times a week or condemned for not attending. I will continue to fellowship with other people outside "The Group of Christians" we have known, as I have since last September 2012 with in home Bible Study Groups and since December 2012 by attending various churches in the area. I am not looking for a church home or a new place to meet and plant my feet. I simply want to meet other believers and share in their lives! I want to learn more about God and develop my faith in Him, not in people, not in rules, and do not wish to have relationships simply based off of approval. I want to love as God has loved me, just as I am. The Group of Christians that we have known and I have associated with my entire life will no longer be the only place I get spiritual encouragement and will no longer be the only place I give to charity, it will be one of the ways, but no longer my only way. This decision has affected many friendships. When we get to heaven it will not just be the "people at the meeting hall" or "the group of christians we know" and I don't believe anymore that God asks us to become our own denomination by not including anyone else who doesn't believe or walk as we do. Not for a second. Quite to the contrary! He demonstrated in real life how he wants us to be and we haven't followed in His footsteps. I want to be like Jesus, different from those in the assembly. At the same time, I want to love all these people I have fellowshipped with my entire life even if they don't know how to love me back, even if they are cold/rude/mean to me because of changes I have made/am making or do in my life that they do not agree with, even if some of their teachings are wrong, even if their relationships are only based off of approval, criteria, and rules. I was raised in this culture and treated others the same way and wish to be compassionate. I want to be understanding and pray that they will grow and see God for who He really is. The last year has been an incredible journey of learning more about my Savior, who He is, what He wants of me, and how He wants me to be. It is my desire to live this out to the fullest and that means some things must be left behind as I press on towards the goal on this journey with Jesus Christ!  God LOVES each and every person. Those who have given their heart to Him and those who have not. God is bigger than man. His ways are perfect. His love is unconditional. He has called us to be just like Him. We won't be able to without putting Him first, but this is our calling. I feel like I am starting all over in my faith and belief in God, this at times can be discouraging and at the same time can be inspiring! He is ALIVE and my LOVE for Him has grown beyond what I dreamed possible. Press on serving Him [the name of my friend] and you will be blessed!

Quotes

Remember, conflict doesn’t always mean we have to fight against something and tear it apart. Conflict can also mean we’re fighting for something to make it even better and stronger than it’s ever been.
- Lysa TerKeurst

thoughts on beyond forgiveness

I was reading a post by one of my friends called Beyond Forgiveness.  The simple message the post wanted to convey is "See everyone as good but occasionally doing bad things because they are weak or don't know better".

There were three nuggets I got out of the post:  
"Like me, you are looking for happiness, meaning and significance."
"I will look at your weakness with compassion not accusation."
"You have hurt me only to protect yourself, I will not take anything personally."

I can say wholeheartedly that I agree with the first nugget.  This is what each of us want!  This is a motivation at our very core in life.  We want to be happy.  We want meaning.  We want significance.  With ourselves.  With someone.  With family.  With friends.  With our work.  With everything our lives touch.  We want to matter.  Each of us.  Not just you, but me too!  

The second nugget I found profound because we each have weaknesses.  If we were to have compassion towards others weaknesses, we would not be accusatory.  When we don't have compassion, we are accusatory.  so the question in my mind is, what holds us back at times from having compassion?  Many times to try to understand something, I delve into understanding the word more to get a clear picture.  

The definition of compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.  Synonyms would be commiseration, mercy, tenderness, heart, clemency.  Antonyms would be mercilessness, indifference.  

Wow!  If I simply were to be caring, tender, "have a heart" as the term is, be different to you in your weakness there would be no feeling of accusation.  You would not be condemned.  You would not feel helpless.  If we were to have compassion, we would help someone with their weakness, not be creating ill feelings and furthering the difficulty.

The third nugget, gripped me hard.  You hurt me, simply because you want to protect yourself?  How can protecting yourself, at the cost of hurting me, be good?  The pain you are feeling inside is better by inflicting pain on me?  What would cause someone to think that inflicting pain on someone else would alleviate their pain?  In doing so, what you did only created a bigger chasm between you and me.  Instead of being loving towards me when you felt like being mean?  In the end you could have mended the relationship, but you felt it best to add hurt?  If I could only see it this way!  If I could only believe they weren't "trying to hurt me".  

I will be honest, I don't and am not sure I can in some of these things I have experienced feel that way.  Though I believe the statement holds some truth, I also know what I have experienced, and to think that someone who intentionally abused you as a child loves you is a hard concept to grasp.  To think of those things that happen where people maliciously hurt you, knowingly with forethought, is a hard concept to grasp.  It goes against every feeling in my body.  It goes against every word that was said to me.  It goes against every action displayed.  Yes, I know now, years later, that my parents would be in prison if me and my siblings had felt we could have ever shared what was going on in our home during the time it was happening, however that is not what happened.  I know this is why I have a huge flaw at taking everything personally,  life was made to be "my fault".  It's become part of my personality and something I have to work at not allowing to filter into my thoughts and heart.  I know this nugget is going to take some work to be effective in my life, but I am determined to let it have its work in me!  

Whether I see that they hurt me because they were protecting themselves or not, I need to not take it personally.  I want to look at the hurt I have experienced in my life differently.  I want to let it not get the best of me...simply because I want to be loving!  I want to be compassionate!  I want to give you happiness, meaning, and significance...just like I have in God!

I highly recommend you read the link above for yourself because there is more there then I can write in this post.  Check it out and be blessed!