I have been reflecting on work, specially my career work as an entrepreneur providing Medical Billing, Credentialing, Accounting, Consulting & Training Services to my clients. What does it mean to be doing something worthy? When I say worthy, I mean a vocation that is beneficial, has value, is serving?
Growing up, my parents did not want me to continue schooling beyond High School. And in reality, they wanted me to "get out of school" as soon as I could. Thus, I graduated High School at 15, in the 2nd Semester of my Sophomore Year by taking the California High School Proficiency Exam. This is a test for 16 year olds [or those who are in their 2nd Semester if not 16 yet] similar to the GED that is known nationally. The test was 6 hours long. I passed the first time and got my certificate December 1991. No walking across the stage though I did get a certificate mailed to me. Now what? My parents plans for me were to get married and have kids. They didn't believe it was right for girls to work, in fact they believed it was independent and haughty to hold a job. In case you don't know, I am now 36, not married and will never be a birth mom. This is another way I haven't fulfilled my parents dreams. In the interim to this plan, my parents wanted me to learn to type and I did on an old fashioned typewriter of my Dad's. I got my speed up really fast, nothing like a computer keyboard where you have auto correct and can easily backspace. You had to put these tape stuff in the slot to correct your mistakes. The goal was to type really fast, not looking at my fingers and reading from a script to the right or left of the typewriter. After hours of perfecting my skill, timing myself, striving for 100% accuracy, I got really good at it. Then my parents had me go door to door trying to solicit work to type. Really? Out in the desert where nobody lives you think someone is going to use me? Nothing came of it. I did some babysitting, until that infringed on my mom's schedule. I was forced to get a job when my Dad's health insurance policy was going to go up $100 because of my age and to keep the option of staying on the family plan until I was 21. They stated they could not afford this and I would have to get a job, though it was without their blessing. I landed my first job from my first interview. It was a job in the medical field at a Dermatologist Office, March 1996 at age 19. I was hired as a Part Time File Clerk, but only worked Part Time the first day. They had so much work for me to do they needed me to come back Full Time until they got caught up. Needless to say,I have never worked Part Time. They taught me more and more and more things and by the time I left that job, I was doing Medical Billing. I have been in the medical field ever since. I started my own business June 2004 doing what I had learned to do on the job and through classes, continuing education, research, seminars and the like. I have devoted my life to learning it so much that I know it backwards and forwards.
In reflecting on all this, I have come to believe that my parents thoughts on what was a worthy vocation were wrong. The "Group of Christian's" I have met with my entire life believe that in order to be doing a worthy vocation, you have to do something that blends in with any skill relating to being a mother, anotherwards it would be best that be a midwife, babysitter, seamstress, or a massage therapist. Any other type of work is "not profitable" or "not as God has called you to do". Your job can not take you away from attendance at "meeting". Your lifestyle must be simple and you can't make much money. Over and above this, our society believes that you are doing something great if you are a doctor, policeman, fireman or someone doing great work for or to people. Don't get me wrong, these are great professions, but I don't believe they are more worthy than any other profession. They may outwardly "help" people more, but they are not any more noble in God's eyes then the clerk at the bank.
In reflecting on what God considers worthy, I have thought about Christ's life here on earth. Who could have had a more worthy vocation? Complete service to everyone, not just the disciples, but even the Pharisees that hated and mocked him. He clearly states he has given each of us different gifts. Each of us have gifts. To believe you don't, means you don't believe Romans 12:6. God calls us to be Servants, to Serve and Love His People!
What is a servant? Simple. A person in the service [an act of helpful activity; useful, providing; a supplier; to make fit] of another.
I believe with all my heart that if you do what you do as unto Him, with a servants heart, with the focus of benefiting other people, you will be doing a worthy vocation. The career you choose or that you land by happenstance, will be a worthy vocation if you put your heart, soul and mind to doing it with a passion and for God. It may not be your dream job, but you can turn it into a worthy job by making it the lifeline you use to serve. You can be doing something nobody see's, but the behind the scenes work also has to happen for the front row people to get in on it. Don't let the lack of title or professional experience keep you from serving and loving. It doesn't take much to serve, but you must have a willing heart and you must be willing to work with all your might...to serve well and often.
Awww, this is the true definition of a worthy vocation!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Counseling Session #7
Trying to tell you story without crying is pretty hard. I have never been a crier. Crying wasn't allowed growing up and always brought more punishment, so you learned to stuff it. You learned to hide it all with a pretense that all was okay. Somehow though I have never done this well because I am easily read like a book. However, working through this process of telling my story, it's nearly impossible not to cry.
I am a numbers chic. I love time lines. I have tried to tell my story to my counselor in a chronological format. Today she asked a question, that made me jump ahead to age 17. And then after I answered that, it made her put down my homework and ask something else. She then said, you do know that this is anything but normal, right? I shook my head in acknowledgment, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't face the truth that this wasn't normal. She said, do you really? I confirmed, yes, I do.
But do I? No. There is no way for me to relate to normal. This was my normal, a common standard of expectation out of life. I don't care how often or how much you tell me that this was not normal, it was MY normal. I am now working through redefining the word normal to learn a new normal, a new standard of expectation out of life.
We resumed talking. The conversation got worse. I told her I no longer can try to only tell you the details in chronological order, I am going to answer your questions as you want clarification, which means we will go all over the map. I told her that I was sorry, that there is too much that relates and has to be explained because it is intertwined. Its time that I help her truly understand the situation for what it is, for what it was.
I told more of My Story.
Her eyes welled up with tears. She fought them back. She swallowed hard. She bit her lip. I kept talking. I quit looking at her. I stared at the corner attempting to avoid seeing her try to control the emotions that make someone wanna go flat out mad.
She said "These rules are killing me Misty. What were children to be, servants?"
She finally couldn't hold back, she cried.
I cried harder.
I don't believe I have ever cried so many heart felt tears in my entire life. This is an extremely gut wrenching process. Making my counselor cry today, was not in my plans. Telling my whole complete nightmare of a story is beyond the most difficult thing I have ever done in my LIFE! You might disagree, but it is today!!! This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.
The takeaway from today's session is to hang onto the qualities that came out of these situations and to remember that what I went through has shaped me to be who I am [you are shaped into who you will be typically by age 6].
Homework continues: Write your story. Added assignment, make a list of the positive things that have developed since September 1997.
#courageousjourney #GodsPlan #beingauthentic #notgonnaquit
I am a numbers chic. I love time lines. I have tried to tell my story to my counselor in a chronological format. Today she asked a question, that made me jump ahead to age 17. And then after I answered that, it made her put down my homework and ask something else. She then said, you do know that this is anything but normal, right? I shook my head in acknowledgment, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't face the truth that this wasn't normal. She said, do you really? I confirmed, yes, I do.
But do I? No. There is no way for me to relate to normal. This was my normal, a common standard of expectation out of life. I don't care how often or how much you tell me that this was not normal, it was MY normal. I am now working through redefining the word normal to learn a new normal, a new standard of expectation out of life.
We resumed talking. The conversation got worse. I told her I no longer can try to only tell you the details in chronological order, I am going to answer your questions as you want clarification, which means we will go all over the map. I told her that I was sorry, that there is too much that relates and has to be explained because it is intertwined. Its time that I help her truly understand the situation for what it is, for what it was.
I told more of My Story.
Her eyes welled up with tears. She fought them back. She swallowed hard. She bit her lip. I kept talking. I quit looking at her. I stared at the corner attempting to avoid seeing her try to control the emotions that make someone wanna go flat out mad.
She said "These rules are killing me Misty. What were children to be, servants?"
She finally couldn't hold back, she cried.
I cried harder.
I don't believe I have ever cried so many heart felt tears in my entire life. This is an extremely gut wrenching process. Making my counselor cry today, was not in my plans. Telling my whole complete nightmare of a story is beyond the most difficult thing I have ever done in my LIFE! You might disagree, but it is today!!! This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.
The takeaway from today's session is to hang onto the qualities that came out of these situations and to remember that what I went through has shaped me to be who I am [you are shaped into who you will be typically by age 6].
Homework continues: Write your story. Added assignment, make a list of the positive things that have developed since September 1997.
#courageousjourney #GodsPlan #beingauthentic #notgonnaquit
Monday, July 15, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
God Story: prayers with a client
Yesterday, I began my day encouraged, refreshed after some prayer time, very energized from my early morning walk, inspired to tackle the day and confident that I would get a lot done.
But the feeling didn't last. I started feeling overwhelmed with the tasks at hand and some serious situations going on with clients, and this was clinched by a phone call in which I was yelled at by a client's employee, which may have been avoided if I had not dropped the ball with something and the very thing I didn't want to happen occured!!! I was frustrated. All this came toppling down on me and the feelings were making me feel like a failure. A complete failure. I easily feel like one, doesn't take much after being told your entire life that you are never good enough, you never, ever, feel good enough. Along with some glitches in technology making things not go too smoothly, I was struggling to be calm, not have anxiety. I was having a hard time feeling like I was blessed. But I am. Deep down in my heart I know I am!
I arrived at a clients office, determined to go in, get to work and ignore the feelings I was fighting inside from the events of the morning. My client sensed something wasn't right. Not too hard, I don't hide my feelings well. Both good or bad, somehow if you are keen on being in tune with people, you will know my state of being just by being in my presence and observing my face and demeanor. I can act like everything is okay, but you see through me like glass. I am very transparent. I would not make a good politician because I can't lie. I can't be fake.
I didn't wish to elaborate, so I pushed him off, hoping he would take a general response without me having to get deep into what I was facing, and said that I was just frustrated. He didn't let it go. Darn, my goal to sidestep his question didn't work. He was learning me well. He said, I can tell you are Misty. I decided to take a deep breath, a very deep breath, be me, be completely open as I always am and share my heart, and so I did just that, I shared. I briefed him, without all the confidential details that needed to be left out of my clients situations, on the circumstances facing me and he said, can I pray with you? I said absolutely! This is not the first time this client has done this with me. We are opposites as much as night and day can be in how we approach life, our personalities, our styles, how I am a neat freak and he is messy, how I am focused and he will allow anything to deter him, how he can procrastinate as the day is long even when I make him a list of items to complete by our next session, etc, but we are brothers and sisters in Christ. He knows he is a Child of the King, even if there are days he doesn't comprehend God's Love or feel it, he knows the truth! We have the same hope! We have the same purpose! To love God and share it with those around us. I have been there to encourage him, pray with him & his wife, and now he was there to encourage me! And that is just what he did.
He prayed for God to break the strongholds in my life, to remove the frustration which in reality is just repressed anger, to take away the demonic spirit trying to take hold of me, to not let the snake come in and steal my garden and cause me to resent and not trust God, and thus give power to Satan's seeds, to help me remember that I am loved and a Child of the King, to make God my source of strength in my battles, and to use the Gifts I have been given by The Spirit which are the Fruits of The Spirit.
Wow!!! I had tears. Nothing like being so vulnerable with a client that you have tears in front of them, a guy at that. Here I was trying to make it through the frustrations being thrown at me, once again doing what I could for the situation instead of taking it and throwing it all, every bit of it, in God's hands. Here I was beating myself up for the mistake I made, even though I had apologized, the apology was attacked and the response came with a rebuttal towards my client then, which only added fuel to the fire. I knew I knew better then to try to tackle this on my own, but I tried anyways.
This prayer session and petition to God gave me peace. It suddenly once again put things back into perspective. God knew all the details. God knew Satan was trying to win at getting me down and I have to be the one to choose God's power and make Him my source of strength.
He then shared with me some things he is learning in his bible study reading and prayer life with God. Things he is learning from the trials and hard times in his life. His faith in God is real. His endeavor to live out I Thessalonians 5:11 is true. I don't see everything the way he does and he gave me some stuff to go study more, but I love the fact that he is willing to share God with me!
I wish I had time to daily write and blog about my God Stories. I am amazed at the people God brings and uses in your life to teach you, inspire you, encourage you, refine your armor and keep you motivated on this courageous journey of faith. He is ALIVE! He empowers me in ways I never dreamed. These situations that happen give me goose bumps. I love my God!!!
But the feeling didn't last. I started feeling overwhelmed with the tasks at hand and some serious situations going on with clients, and this was clinched by a phone call in which I was yelled at by a client's employee, which may have been avoided if I had not dropped the ball with something and the very thing I didn't want to happen occured!!! I was frustrated. All this came toppling down on me and the feelings were making me feel like a failure. A complete failure. I easily feel like one, doesn't take much after being told your entire life that you are never good enough, you never, ever, feel good enough. Along with some glitches in technology making things not go too smoothly, I was struggling to be calm, not have anxiety. I was having a hard time feeling like I was blessed. But I am. Deep down in my heart I know I am!
I arrived at a clients office, determined to go in, get to work and ignore the feelings I was fighting inside from the events of the morning. My client sensed something wasn't right. Not too hard, I don't hide my feelings well. Both good or bad, somehow if you are keen on being in tune with people, you will know my state of being just by being in my presence and observing my face and demeanor. I can act like everything is okay, but you see through me like glass. I am very transparent. I would not make a good politician because I can't lie. I can't be fake.
I didn't wish to elaborate, so I pushed him off, hoping he would take a general response without me having to get deep into what I was facing, and said that I was just frustrated. He didn't let it go. Darn, my goal to sidestep his question didn't work. He was learning me well. He said, I can tell you are Misty. I decided to take a deep breath, a very deep breath, be me, be completely open as I always am and share my heart, and so I did just that, I shared. I briefed him, without all the confidential details that needed to be left out of my clients situations, on the circumstances facing me and he said, can I pray with you? I said absolutely! This is not the first time this client has done this with me. We are opposites as much as night and day can be in how we approach life, our personalities, our styles, how I am a neat freak and he is messy, how I am focused and he will allow anything to deter him, how he can procrastinate as the day is long even when I make him a list of items to complete by our next session, etc, but we are brothers and sisters in Christ. He knows he is a Child of the King, even if there are days he doesn't comprehend God's Love or feel it, he knows the truth! We have the same hope! We have the same purpose! To love God and share it with those around us. I have been there to encourage him, pray with him & his wife, and now he was there to encourage me! And that is just what he did.
He prayed for God to break the strongholds in my life, to remove the frustration which in reality is just repressed anger, to take away the demonic spirit trying to take hold of me, to not let the snake come in and steal my garden and cause me to resent and not trust God, and thus give power to Satan's seeds, to help me remember that I am loved and a Child of the King, to make God my source of strength in my battles, and to use the Gifts I have been given by The Spirit which are the Fruits of The Spirit.
Wow!!! I had tears. Nothing like being so vulnerable with a client that you have tears in front of them, a guy at that. Here I was trying to make it through the frustrations being thrown at me, once again doing what I could for the situation instead of taking it and throwing it all, every bit of it, in God's hands. Here I was beating myself up for the mistake I made, even though I had apologized, the apology was attacked and the response came with a rebuttal towards my client then, which only added fuel to the fire. I knew I knew better then to try to tackle this on my own, but I tried anyways.
This prayer session and petition to God gave me peace. It suddenly once again put things back into perspective. God knew all the details. God knew Satan was trying to win at getting me down and I have to be the one to choose God's power and make Him my source of strength.
He then shared with me some things he is learning in his bible study reading and prayer life with God. Things he is learning from the trials and hard times in his life. His faith in God is real. His endeavor to live out I Thessalonians 5:11 is true. I don't see everything the way he does and he gave me some stuff to go study more, but I love the fact that he is willing to share God with me!
I wish I had time to daily write and blog about my God Stories. I am amazed at the people God brings and uses in your life to teach you, inspire you, encourage you, refine your armor and keep you motivated on this courageous journey of faith. He is ALIVE! He empowers me in ways I never dreamed. These situations that happen give me goose bumps. I love my God!!!
Friday, July 12, 2013
word of the day...{magnanimous}
It's been a long time since I did the "Word of The Day" theme. I was reminded when I learned a new word! Maybe I should get back to doing that? For now...learn this new word with me.
mag·nan·i·mous [mag-nan-uh-muhs] adjective
generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness; high-minded; noble; proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.
generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness; high-minded; noble; proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Reasons Why I LOVE being Single
So once again, I got misunderstood in my post 5 Reasons I am Single. Someone said, you don't sound like you are truly happy being single. I was like, what??? How could you mistake me. Believe me, I am! I just want to be open to "a God's Guy" [stealing Jaime Grace's catch phrase] if that is what He has planned for my life.
Since I got so misunderstood, here are a list of Reasons Why I LOVE being Single!!!
Since I got so misunderstood, here are a list of Reasons Why I LOVE being Single!!!
- I can eat when I want and whatever I want. If I want a stuffed Grilled Portabella Mushroom with Mozzarella and Parmesan cheese for dinner, I can. If I want an Braeburn Apple, some Laughing Cow Swiss Cheese, and a handful of Pecans for dinner, I can. I don't have to fix a steak and baked potato for the man of the house. If I want to eat dinner at 5pm or 9pm, it is totally okay. Nobody cares but my tummy. If I don't want to cook because I am too tired, I don't have to beg to be taken out to dinner. I just take myself out to dinner. If the budget requires a cheap meal, I get a tostada from Taco Bell for $1.29. If the budget has no constraints, I go where I want and more times than not, its for sushi!
- If I am tired, I don't have to say "Hey babe, can we go home?". I grab the car keys and hit the road. And once I get home, I put the keys on my nightstand and crawl in, no wasting time getting there!
- The full bed in my room is all mine. I don't share it with anyone which means I get two synthetic down pillows for myself!!! One to put my head on and one to snuggle with! Oh, and I can cuddle up with the covers up under my chin and not have to worry about "stealing them" from you. And I only have one alarm to deal with...just mine, not yours too waking me up an hour earlier then I want to be up or me waking you up when you want to sleep in and be lazy.
- I can sleep as long as I like without someone expecting me to cook them breakfast. But if I want coffee in bed, I have to get up and make it first and then I can crawl back in!
- When I am ready for lights out, there isn't "How much longer do you think you will read?"..or..."Can I turn the light out now?"
- If I wanna go shopping...spend money...do something with friends, I don't need to check your schedule, I just gotta coordinate with mine [which many times can be complicated enough]!
- If I want music on, I put it on. If I want quiet, I leave it off. It doesn't matter what anyone else wants because there is nobody else to consult. There is just me, myself, and I to contend with.
- If I didn't do laundry and/or want to wear the same thing I wore yesterday, nobody knows and nobody cares because nobody saw me!
- The mess? Yah, there is nobody to fault but myself for the mess. Nobody makes it messy except me and nobody cleans it up except me. And, yah, I still have that pile business going on in my bedroom that my Mom detested. I don't have to worry about if you will detest it too!
- Nobody to interrupt me when I spend time relaxing out by the pool. [Except my cell phone, but I can choose to leave that in the house.]
- I don't have to buy multiple types of shampoo & conditioner or wine [and everything else]...I can get JUST what I like. Nobody else to please!
- I can wear the colors and styles I like. If you don't, you don't have to compliment me on my outfit. If you are like my Mom and don't like black...well, it doesn't matter and I wear it anyways because black is Classy!
- and a million more things that are benefits to being single.......but if a God's guy gets sent my way by God, I will adjust...I will reprogram. :)
The moral of my post? Count your blessing if you are single, they are there! Make a list if you don't believe me. Reflect on the things you get to do that your married friends don't get to do. Single Life is what you make of it! Have courage and live it to the fullest, you don't know how long it will last. And no, I don't believe it is "selfish" to enjoy the state of life you are experiencing now. God created seasons in our lives. Some last longer than others. Some are harder than others. Some have lasting impact. But your journey will be only as courageous as you make it to be!
And if you aren't single...and you are married, count your blessings, you have a privilege to serve that special person, the love of your life, make the most of it, you never know when that might change! Go give that person a hug and a kiss [right now]. Nobody said you would be married forever.
Love like you mean it!!!
Love like you mean it!!!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
song ~ I'm Alive
I'm Alive
by Peter Furler
When I was locked inside my head
When I was lost in a maze of doubt
You called my name and woke me up
You called my name and led me out
And when I chased one more mirage
'Til I was tired and parched again
You gave me one more cup to fill
And sent me one more desert rain
I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I was sure of all I knew
I knew the world was mine to claim
I had directions printed out
And then I hit a wall of shame
Out there alone and left to die
Cut off from You, my sole supply
You shed Your tears for me and then
You took my hand and raised me high
I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, yeah, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I, I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
by Peter Furler
When I was locked inside my head
When I was lost in a maze of doubt
You called my name and woke me up
You called my name and led me out
And when I chased one more mirage
'Til I was tired and parched again
You gave me one more cup to fill
And sent me one more desert rain
I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I was sure of all I knew
I knew the world was mine to claim
I had directions printed out
And then I hit a wall of shame
Out there alone and left to die
Cut off from You, my sole supply
You shed Your tears for me and then
You took my hand and raised me high
I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, yeah, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I, I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
9 months since Surgery!
Today was a special day. It has been 9 months, to the day, since my surgery. My doctor was/is impressed with my progression, healing, leveling out of issues, my labs were really good...but beyond that, when he came into the exam room, I told him that I feel wonderful!!! He told me that I can come see him every day if I am gonna have good news like that. He was at his wits end knowing what to do with me and this was a huge decision, but the payoff has been tremendous. I am beyond grateful!!!
Today, I am Praising God!
#beyondblessed #thankful #noregrets
Today, I am Praising God!
#beyondblessed #thankful #noregrets
Monday, July 8, 2013
Counseling Session #6
I read my blog post about what I am facing through counseling with my counselor today. Her words were: "That is paramount! If only all of my clients kept that focus in life Misty. If only, I always kept that focus in life."
We are continuing to work through telling my story, while dealing with drama from my Mom in the midst of this. My counselor continues to shake her head in disbelief. She continues to let me know this is not "normal" but it was "my normal".
We are continuing to work through telling my story, while dealing with drama from my Mom in the midst of this. My counselor continues to shake her head in disbelief. She continues to let me know this is not "normal" but it was "my normal".
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
open journal: things I am facing through counseling
If you are my friend or blogging follower, you know that I share a bunch about me, the hard core personal stuff some people keep hidden deep inside the walls of their heart and mind. I get mocked frequently for putting things on my blog that "I can't believe you have the guts to do"...or..."you really share more than I think is healthy"...or...numerous other comments.
I continue to share. You don't have to agree. You don't have to like it. You don't have to read. I don't have my blog for followers, I have my blog because I like to write and I want to keep a journal of my life and the Courageous Journey I am on. I want to encourage you to have faith through the dark times. To fight when you want to give up. You can choose to participate and share in my journey, or you can jump off. Please, there is no need for you to feel obligated.
I started Professional Counseling the first Monday in June. The process has been in some ways as I anticipated it would be, challenging, gut wrenching and has made me relive moments that I wish I could forever forget. What I did not expect was that it would at times make me an emotional mess. Some of this was expected as I had been told by every counselor that I interviewed with and from others who have done this process that it gets harder before it gets better. No amount of mental preparation gets you ready for harder.
How much harder was an aspect I had not expected to face. As one who is very goal oriented [sometimes to a fault as I don't stop and smell the roses] I am typically not a procrastinator [in general, though I have things I prefer to put off until it has to be done], I find doing my homework between sessions challenging and put this off. Largely because I easily get back into the feeling and mood of my childhood. And once there, I can't seem to shake it. I know no other words to describe it than to say I get in a funk. Though I try desperately to distance myself from the feelings that overcome me, I can't. I find it really hard to "explain" things and answer questions like "why" when in many ways I don't know why. It was just the way it was, how do you explain why?
Things that I thought were normal, very routine and everyone faced, I am realizing the stark reality that my childhood was extremely messed up. I think a part of me was hoping that through counseling my fears of this reality would have been resolved. I also feel hearing myself tell this story means I am admitting this fact and that crushes me. I wish I could explain why. I can't.
Knowing my parents forbid me to ever discuss my childhood doesn't make it any easier.
I can't change my story...my childhood...what I faced. So why do I fear telling it? Why am I afraid? What is causing my fear? What makes me feel you are going to look down on me? What makes me ashamed of being an overcomer through what I faced? Why do I feel that my story doesn't matter?
I am hoping with time I understand why I feel like this. I hope with time I can not feel the way I do...but as I approach 6 weeks of this, I know I have got some hard work ahead of me! Today I have made a list of reasons to keep me going...
What will I learn from this process? God only knows.
What is the goal in counseling? The goal is to write my story as it actually happened with the end goal to rewrite my story with the truth of my life's story God's way. I have to keep that picture as the focus of what I am trying to achieve to not loose heart. This is what fuels me forward. This is what I will focus on. I can't focus on each session or my homework.
I continue to share. You don't have to agree. You don't have to like it. You don't have to read. I don't have my blog for followers, I have my blog because I like to write and I want to keep a journal of my life and the Courageous Journey I am on. I want to encourage you to have faith through the dark times. To fight when you want to give up. You can choose to participate and share in my journey, or you can jump off. Please, there is no need for you to feel obligated.
I started Professional Counseling the first Monday in June. The process has been in some ways as I anticipated it would be, challenging, gut wrenching and has made me relive moments that I wish I could forever forget. What I did not expect was that it would at times make me an emotional mess. Some of this was expected as I had been told by every counselor that I interviewed with and from others who have done this process that it gets harder before it gets better. No amount of mental preparation gets you ready for harder.
How much harder was an aspect I had not expected to face. As one who is very goal oriented [sometimes to a fault as I don't stop and smell the roses] I am typically not a procrastinator [in general, though I have things I prefer to put off until it has to be done], I find doing my homework between sessions challenging and put this off. Largely because I easily get back into the feeling and mood of my childhood. And once there, I can't seem to shake it. I know no other words to describe it than to say I get in a funk. Though I try desperately to distance myself from the feelings that overcome me, I can't. I find it really hard to "explain" things and answer questions like "why" when in many ways I don't know why. It was just the way it was, how do you explain why?
Things that I thought were normal, very routine and everyone faced, I am realizing the stark reality that my childhood was extremely messed up. I think a part of me was hoping that through counseling my fears of this reality would have been resolved. I also feel hearing myself tell this story means I am admitting this fact and that crushes me. I wish I could explain why. I can't.
Knowing my parents forbid me to ever discuss my childhood doesn't make it any easier.
I can't change my story...my childhood...what I faced. So why do I fear telling it? Why am I afraid? What is causing my fear? What makes me feel you are going to look down on me? What makes me ashamed of being an overcomer through what I faced? Why do I feel that my story doesn't matter?
I am hoping with time I understand why I feel like this. I hope with time I can not feel the way I do...but as I approach 6 weeks of this, I know I have got some hard work ahead of me! Today I have made a list of reasons to keep me going...
- I will not quit.
- I will not give up.
- I will not loose heart.
- I will not give in.
- I will not succumb.
- I will not be discouraged.
- I will not be sad.
- I will fight.
- I will prosper.
- I will be victorious.
- I will be diligent to stay focused on the end goal.
- No matter what my past story is...God is with me and I am a Princess of The King!
- My motto to Seize The Day and live a Courageous Journey will continue to be my theme!
What will I learn from this process? God only knows.
What is the goal in counseling? The goal is to write my story as it actually happened with the end goal to rewrite my story with the truth of my life's story God's way. I have to keep that picture as the focus of what I am trying to achieve to not loose heart. This is what fuels me forward. This is what I will focus on. I can't focus on each session or my homework.
Friday, July 5, 2013
song ~ God girl
By Jamie Grace
Oh oh oh oh yeah
If my eyes light up with I say your name
And it's written all over my face
Tell me does it make me crazy
Well, maybe I got somethin' that I can't explain
And the beauty of it never changes
It's got me wrapped up
I'm all caught up
I can't help but say
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
(See, See, See)
And when my ears start hearin' what people say
Hurry up find love cause times tickin' away
Well, I'm not bein' lazy I'm just waiting for
Still waiting for the right boy
Cause I only want to listen to your voice
So I'll be listenin'
Always listenin' to you everyday
Cause I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
Your name in lights
My biggest dream
My all in all
You're all I need
Hand in hand with the master of all creativity
And I won't stop until I know
All my facebook friends and foes
Look at me and only see one thing
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm yours
Oh I'm a love girl and I'll always be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
(Your name in lights)
(Can't change it)
(Can't fake it)
(Can't break it)
(You can't change, can't fake, can't break)
(I'm your girl)
Oh oh oh oh yeah
For the whole wide world,
The whole wide world to see
And it's written all over my face
Tell me does it make me crazy
Well, maybe I got somethin' that I can't explain
And the beauty of it never changes
It's got me wrapped up
I'm all caught up
I can't help but say
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
(See, See, See)
And when my ears start hearin' what people say
Hurry up find love cause times tickin' away
Well, I'm not bein' lazy I'm just waiting for
Still waiting for the right boy
Cause I only want to listen to your voice
So I'll be listenin'
Always listenin' to you everyday
Cause I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
Your name in lights
My biggest dream
My all in all
You're all I need
Hand in hand with the master of all creativity
And I won't stop until I know
All my facebook friends and foes
Look at me and only see one thing
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm yours
Oh I'm a love girl and I'll always be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
(Your name in lights)
(Can't change it)
(Can't fake it)
(Can't break it)
(You can't change, can't fake, can't break)
(I'm your girl)
Oh oh oh oh yeah
For the whole wide world,
The whole wide world to see
Thursday, July 4, 2013
more texts from my Mom...
Dear Misty, I talked to Daddy-before he passed away, about those things you said. He said you are mixing truth + error, please 4give me of all past sins. Mom Eph 4/32THX.
[I will spare you the responses and further text messages and the two voicemails she left me...none of it is lovely, she obviously is blind and right in her own eyes.]
[I will spare you the responses and further text messages and the two voicemails she left me...none of it is lovely, she obviously is blind and right in her own eyes.]
5 Reasons I am Single
I get asked frequently, "Misty, you don't have a man?"..."Why not?"..."You think wearing a ring on your left hand is gonna get you one?"..."Don't you want to get married?"
Nearly all my friends are married. According to my Mom's standards, I should be too. I'm not and don't know if I will ever be. [We won't go into what she thinks of me since I am not married.]
Then you ask, what is the real reason I wear a ring on my left hand? To deter those guys who are out trying to check me out. You know the kind of guys I am talking about. The ones that more than just glance over at you at the stop light and make you wish you had more than sunglasses on because there eyes are piercing straight through you. The ones at the airport that are completing your sale for a purchase for food before boarding the plane that say, "You on your way home to your man?" You think I am joking? This actually happened! To which I just smiled and did not verbally answer, and he said "I am sure he is one lucky guy". Those guys. The ones that make the pit of your stomach wanna lurch. The ones that are fishing for any bate that will respond. Believe me, I know that wearing a band on my left hand doesn't stop men from looking, it hasn't. You think I got these types of questions with or without a band? Yes, I have with and without as I haven't always worn a band on my left hand, but it does make a difference. You may not believe me, but I have experienced the difference. Many men don't care if you are married or not, I know this. That's not the kind of guy I want. If he truly wants to get to know me, he will learn the truth and will know that I am single. That's at the point that it will matter. Not before.
I had a friend tell me, "Don't you think that is being dishonest?", no, I don't. If it is, God forgive me, I am not trying to be dishonest. I simply want to weed out the unqualified applicants that are only interested in me only because of an supposed attraction but not love, not an unconditional relationship. I don't believe it is dishonest anymore than the widow who doesn't want to remove her ring because she is still in love with her husband that passed.
There was a time this bothered me greatly and it was fueled by a christian environment that put all the focus on girls getting married at a young age to become wives and mothers. The attributes that were encouraged you learn, live and focus on doing were anything that fed that model. If it didn't, it wasn't "godly".
The longer I lived, the more I came to understand what I wanted out of life, the more I realized that your life will change greatly being married [not necessarily a bad thing - just different], the more I realized that just finding a man that "is a Christian" is not enough [it must be a fit beyond just having God apart of your life], the more I realized that God's ways are best and if He doesn't have a man for you - your life can still be an encouragement and you can still have a calling and live a live of purpose and passion as a single gal. The longer I lived away from my childhood - away from a Mom who created fear in me, was hurtful, manipulative, controlling, living a life full of double standards, filled with slander; verbally, emotionally and physically abusive...away from a Father who was distant, who told me that he didn't want me and the only reason they had kids was because Mom wanted them, and who didn't show love to me...and from the man in the medical field who I thought was a someone I could trust but in turn raped me nearly 20 years ago [and yes, unfortunately, I still remember everything as if it was just yesterday], away from the hurtful relationships with family and men to an environment where I created new friendships and relationship that were loving, supportive and positive - the more I realized I had a great life, a really great life, and the more I didn't want to mess that up in anyway with a man in it. If a man would come into my life and make it better, he was welcome, but if he was gonna destroy the peace I have and the work I have done to become a better person and trust that God loves me and has a plan for my life in spite of the pain, I am not interest and don't want him! No, I will let no man take away this peace!!! All these things made me realize that they had shaped my life to be who I am and it was easier for me to accept being single.
Don't get me wrong, it is every girls dream to have her wedding and be married. It is every girl's dream to meet the prince that will have the slipper and carriage to take her away from the ball...be the one to wake her up out of a dream with a kiss...be the one to ride in on a white horse...to be a real life Nicholas Sparks male character! To think we don't feel that way is simply being unromantic, which is who we are at heart! Our dreams are set as a young girl on finding our special man, the one man, that is ours to love with all our heart, mind and soul!
Now, having prefaced all this by telling you I am content being single, I don't want you to think that there aren't days I have my battles with it. Believe me, I do. I can be with my friends and watch them interact with the special person in their life whether that be snuggled down on the couch, cooking together in the kitchen, kissing each other, someone to tease, someone that calls to check in and see what you are up to because they want to - they miss you - they love you, or just having a companion to hang out with. There are days I wonder if I will always be single...but at the same time, none of the reasons I listed above have diminished. If anything I have become more confident in the fact that if I ever have a man in my life on a serious level beyond just a guy friend [and yes, I have learned you can have guys in your life that are kind and loving, even if I never dreamed that was possible - I love all my guy friends because they have taught me lessons and are still teaching me lessons], he is gonna have to have attributes that draw me to him, I am not getting married "just because".
So I have decided to make a list of reasons I am not married and the next time I get asked, they will have more than one answer:
- I am a God Girl. This song by Jamie Grace describes it so well! I want what God wants for me and so far, that has not included a husband. If it ever does, I will be glad to change gears.
- I want a guy that believes in God, lives for God, wants God apart of every part of his life and wants me to join him in that venture.
- I am not out "searching" for a man. If God wants one in my life, He will cause my path to cross his! I believe it without a doubt!!! And if you must know, I don't believe I have the ability to "pick" a man...God is the only one who knows who is a fit for me. And yes, I believe it will be a perfect fit.
- I am not just looking to get me "a husband". I want a friend, companion, someone who is giving and loving, someone who makes me smile and lights up my world, someone who wants to go shop with me [no not like my girlfriends would all day - but he better not detest it] just as much as he wants me to sit and watch football with him [a sport I see not absolute sense in, running after a ball to jump in a heap over???], someone who will love me for the baggage I have and help me unpack it, sort it out, and put it where it belongs; someone who adds more to my life then already exists, someone who wants to make me a better person and will put his heart, mind and soul into doing so, someone who believes and lives a relationship that is a two way street, and someone who wants me and will allow me to love him back the same way and on the same terms that I want to be loved!
- I am not interested in a guy "checking me out" and only interested in me because of what he see's on the outside, the physical attributes God gave me that I can't control. I am not a trophy girl and don't want to be treated like such. I am not interested in a husband that only wants to be married to enjoy the marriage relationship because of the intimacy that comes with it and not be a friend. I want a relationship that is unconditional. I wanna know true love. I want him to love me, inside and out, for me!
Then you ask, what is the real reason I wear a ring on my left hand? To deter those guys who are out trying to check me out. You know the kind of guys I am talking about. The ones that more than just glance over at you at the stop light and make you wish you had more than sunglasses on because there eyes are piercing straight through you. The ones at the airport that are completing your sale for a purchase for food before boarding the plane that say, "You on your way home to your man?" You think I am joking? This actually happened! To which I just smiled and did not verbally answer, and he said "I am sure he is one lucky guy". Those guys. The ones that make the pit of your stomach wanna lurch. The ones that are fishing for any bate that will respond. Believe me, I know that wearing a band on my left hand doesn't stop men from looking, it hasn't. You think I got these types of questions with or without a band? Yes, I have with and without as I haven't always worn a band on my left hand, but it does make a difference. You may not believe me, but I have experienced the difference. Many men don't care if you are married or not, I know this. That's not the kind of guy I want. If he truly wants to get to know me, he will learn the truth and will know that I am single. That's at the point that it will matter. Not before.
I had a friend tell me, "Don't you think that is being dishonest?", no, I don't. If it is, God forgive me, I am not trying to be dishonest. I simply want to weed out the unqualified applicants that are only interested in me only because of an supposed attraction but not love, not an unconditional relationship. I don't believe it is dishonest anymore than the widow who doesn't want to remove her ring because she is still in love with her husband that passed.
For me, I am sold out to God. He is the one I am committed to. Period. No man is gonna take that covenant away from me. I Love My God and some day, that may mean because of God I get to Love a Man too! but if it doesn't, believe me, I have a great life and I will live to tell my story praising God for it!!!
#single #stayingstrongforGod #aGodsGirl
#single #stayingstrongforGod #aGodsGirl
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
psalm 103:10
He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
- Psalm 103:10
He doesn't punish you, so don't punish yourself.
- Matthew West
- Psalm 103:10
He doesn't punish you, so don't punish yourself.
- Matthew West
Monday, July 1, 2013
Counseling Session #5
I don't know how long I will do counseling...or how long I will blog about my sessions, but for now, I want to see the progress and keep myself motivated with moving through this gut wrenching project.
Today I learned:
Today I learned:
- Nothing wrong with setting pretty strict boundaries. Jesus did.
- My counselor was very proud of how I responded to my Mom, truthful but not hateful. She was amazed at my guts in the text messages last week, especially two parts. One, to tell my Mom I love her. Two, to list all the items I listed that occurred in my childhood and confront her with this. She loves that I share God's Word with her without quoting scripture.
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