another update on Terry

Today has been a long day...it started with meeting.  I sang How Can I Keep From Singing acapella.  I didn't share that this song had been on my heart the last month but has new meaning to me, or that I have sung it with tears this last week...that I appreciate all the prayers everyone has sent my way, I feel them, need them, appreciate them, and hope all will continue to keep all involved in their prayers that we have wisdom and understanding on how to work with Terry...there is absolutely no way I could have said a blessed thing or I would have utterly lost it and been a bawling mess; then singing would have been out of the question.  Jeff asked us in his message why we don't do that more, just get up and sing whats on our heart, not worrying about what others think or will say, or the whispering that will be done later.  Let me tell you...it wasn't as easy as he made it seem it was for me.  I was shaking all over and not sure if I would loose it in the big middle and I most assuredly don't consider my voice a pretty voice to listen to.  I can imagine people say, why does she sing solo?  Doesn't she know she doesn't sound that great?  The singers that everyone likes to hear are the ones that get asked to sing at an event or to sing with.  I haven't, and sometimes that stops me from singing solo, and other times it motivates me to be me and forget that others might not like my voice or think I sing well or that I am trying to get attention by singing alone, but I have a voice that God has given me and I want everyone to know that I want to serve the one who has done so much for me!  Many stopped me after meeting with things to say, questions to ask, and wanted me to know that I have been on their heart and mind.  I know everyone wants to see Terry succeed, I just wish he knew that too.  I ended up going to lunch with Judy to Antonio's because they usually are fast...wouldn't you know that today, they were slow as molasses!  We waited 30minutes for our food and I had 10minutes to stuff my face and hit the road to be at the hospital in time for the 3pm family counseling session.  I did not have a chance to connect with Jeff after meeting, so I didn't know if he was going to the session.  It ended up just being me and Terry and we had the same therapist that we had yesterday.  She asked me some questions about how I take care of myself so I elaborated, what I do for work and where I live, etc.  I shared with her that I rented from Jeff (where Terry is now) for 9.5yrs and have had a house for 3yrs, have a housekeeper come once a month, work full time as an accounting manager and own my own medical billing agency with two part time employees, and am working to create more balance in my schedule and life.  She gave me some paperwork to read and made some suggestions on how I relate to Terry.  Terry didn't open up more than he had yesterday.  The therapist said he attended one and a half of the three therapy sessions for the day, but had not entered in as much as the day before.  She said she was going to recommend therapy for him and would write her recommendations in the chart for the social worker to review tomorrow when she came in.  We ended about 15minutes early, so we moved to "our spot" to visit.  A few minutes after 4pm, one of the clerks said Terry had visitors, two guys who wanted to come together, so I decided to go out so he could have them.  It was Dave & Drex.  I told them to take the full 45minutes unless someone else came in.  On my way to the parking lot, Jeff & Debbie were pulling in.  We chatted a few minutes and I told them where to go and that Dave & Drex had just gone in and maybe to give them a little bit and then they could go in.  I headed home to get a sample of my pool water to take to the store for chemical testing to know what I need in it.  I needed to do that before they closed at 5pm.  I then had to decide whether to come home and take a nap, do chores that are behind, or stop by Gilbert & Connie's and just chill on the couch.  I went with the latter until it was time to head back to the hospital.  I got there just about 3minutes before 7pm.  It was quiet...not to many others coming to visit like it had been a few days ago.  When I saw Terry, I knew he was not doing as well as he had been earlier.  He was walking stiff and wasn't very responsive at all.  I asked him how he was since I had been up there, he shrugged and said very stressful.  I tried to get him to elaborate, but he didn't.  By the time we sat down at our spot again, he was shaking all over, running his hands thru his hair while he layed his head on the table.  When he let his hands rest on the table, he left a heavy perspirated spot, so I knew he was sweating.  I didn't know what to do.  I kept trying to ask him questions to distract him, tried to see if he wanted to do a game of checkers, or needed water; I got nowhere.  He finally decided he would ask the nurse for a shot.  His issue with doing that means he will not be able to go home tomorrow like he so desperately wants as they have to wait at least 24hrs before they will release you after giving you more medication.  He asked the nurse for something that he normally takes for anxiety attacks but he didn't have doctors orders for it, so they would not give it to him. I learned from the nurse on my way out that one reason is because since he overdosed on it, they are not giving him that.  Makes sense when you think about it, for several reasons.  As I left the hospital, my heart was heavy...I cried.  To see him go up and down in these mood swings hurts beyond words.  My heart achs for him.  I wish I knew what to do to help him.  I went back to the house to get my laundry as I promised Aunt Connie I would let her do it and Mrs Reid do my ironing, and then went to the gathering hoping to find Jeff, but he was at the hospital welcoming in a grandbaby.  I did get a few minutes with Drex and Dave together to find out how their time went, update them on Terry and let them know I feel we need a plan.  Many might not have known I was even out tonight because I was so emotional, I didn't go into the area where everyone was...I simply couldn't.  I am home now writing this update and then am going to take a Tylenol PM and try to get more sleep than I have of late.  Please pray...

Letting Go

To "let go" does does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is to not try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold or ague, but instead to search for my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

~Author Unknown


This is one of several pieces of information, articles and data from the Family Counseling session with Nancy today.  I thought it was good and wanted to share and let each of us reflect on "letting go"...