Day 23: Blog writing = 3,664 words. Book writing = 0 words.
#my500words challenge with @JeffGoins #2014Goals
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Day 1 of LiveBIG reflections
1st Day of Conference is over.
10 hours {two 90 min breaks}.
12 pages of notes.
Top 3 Nuggets:
#1 release those things back to the person who gave them to you {this was a dynamic link for me beyond previous work done in letting go concepts}
#2 look at the results you are getting that you don't like, trace back the emotions to uncover your "beliefs" in whats holding you back so that you can change them.
#3 you have a choice: You can believe I am not good enough or you can believe I am good enough. The choice is yours.
#LiveBIG with Gerald Rogers and Tony Litster
10 hours {two 90 min breaks}.
12 pages of notes.
Top 3 Nuggets:
#1 release those things back to the person who gave them to you {this was a dynamic link for me beyond previous work done in letting go concepts}
#2 look at the results you are getting that you don't like, trace back the emotions to uncover your "beliefs" in whats holding you back so that you can change them.
#3 you have a choice: You can believe I am not good enough or you can believe I am good enough. The choice is yours.
My I am Statement: I Am a Courageous, Generous, Loving Woman.
#LiveBIG with Gerald Rogers and Tony Litster
My Journal Nuggets from Day 1 of LiveBIG
I am attending LiveBIG in Salt Lake City, Utah (technically in Sandy, Utah, about 30 minutes from the SLC AIrport). I will be doing some personal blog posting, but today's post is simply to share with you the nuggets from this event.
The music playing as we walked into the event was the song: This is your Life, are you who you want to be?
Gerald Rogers
Ask yourself tough questions. Meaningful questions. What is my purpose? What is possible with my life? What does it mean to LiveBIG?
Be passionate. Meaningful. Purpose Driven Life.
What do you want to experience? What are you willing to do to make that happen? Are you willing to let go of what's limiting you?
You have a special calling. Be the best you can be.
Sometimes its a scary moment to let go. To have courage. To ask questions. To test your wings. To soar.
Play a Level 10. How you play the game here is how you play out there! Get outside your comfort zone. Engage. What you get out of it is what you put into it.
Repetition is the mother of all learning.
Rewrite the stories of your life.
First question for the day to Journal:
Leverage the lessons learned from your past. Be in love with you. Treat it with respect. How do you live each day? Is it within this focus of living big?
Your life is a Blank White Canvas...How do you want your life to look? Trust and know the answers will come. This is worth investing in.
Second question for the day to Journal:
We matched up with a partner. We had to share with them what living big looked like for us. They shared with us. We had to look into their eyes for a full minute. Then we had to tell them what we saw:
LIES = limits. TRUTH = free.
Lies are stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Step more fully into the truth...the truth will empower you. Be in alignment with truth and confidence in the outcome. Be reminded and reintroduced into truth each day while you are here.
An introduction into each of the team, what they do, who they are, why they are here and what they want for us out of this event. The theme: You get to be who you are truly are by forgetting about who you were told you were. We want you to experience full love and greatness. Not pain. Frustration. Doubt. Fear. Limits.
A review of the rules during these 3 days.
Be committed to your commitment. So you can have order. Life does happen and we have to make choices. Are they more important than your commitments? Be in integrity with your commitments. Results happen because of your commitments. Trust your own word because you know you will follow through.
Commit at 100% or 0%. Either commit all or nothing. All is YES, completely, fully. Nothing is NO, and is okay. It is okay to say NO.
Question: Why do we feel we can't say no. {There is a lot of engagement with the audience. I chose to answer this question which made me be chosen as the spotlight for the next part of this session, about 15 minutes. I will do a whole post on this later.}
We all have had experiences. Many of them are neutral experiences but when we give them meaning they create a definition we give them. Each person has their own experiences then create for them meaning, and their own definitions that they have attributed to these experiences. Not everyone has the same experience, meaning or definition to the same statement or experience.
End of the Morning Session Challenge: Ask someone what it means to LiveBIG!
Return to begin the Afternoon Session:
Reviewed the question asked to people when we went to have lunch as to what does it mean to them to LiveBIG.
Discussed that we all need buddies, what are the attributes of buddies, what we need or want from a buddy, how to be a buddy, and they had us pick a buddy. Girls with girls. Guys with guys.
We then were asked questions that our buddy answered so we could learn more about them. We then were asked questions so that our buddy could learn about us. And of course, they touched on everything!
Marci Lock
Why am I stuck?
You are powerful beyond measure. What we know we are is based on what we have been told and experienced.
Experience = Decisions/Beliefs = Identity = Patterns/Behaviors = Results
All you want is to be loved. Peace. Freedom.
The story that you are living is what you believe about yourself. You carry out your actions by what you believe. Internal World = Outer World. Your actions will validate your feelings/internal beliefs.
Remember who you truly are. Create that image. Whatever you are looking for you will find. Everything I am experiencing is my choice.
1. Attract
2. Interpret
3. Act Out
You eventually sabotage it if you don't believe it is good enough. Allow yourself to live in different beliefs/belief systems. Triggers will create you to carry out your interpretations.
From your roots you get your fruit. Your results don't lie. What do I want? What do I want to be? Plant a new see to create a new tree to create awesome fruit.
We see failure and quit. Forget who you were told to be. Forget who you think you are. Be who you believe you are.
Third question of the day to Journal:
Become conscious of your words, your feelings, your thoughts, your actions. Why do I feel what I am feeling? What is the action to create what I want? What will that give me? What do I want? Is it true?
Be okay with you. Let it be a mirror for you. Don't be attached. Look at the root cause and clear it.
Rework your web...cut your strings. Rewire your subconscious. Don't just get it intellectually. Don't live in a mask. Don't avoid the pain. Look at the resistance. Find yourself. Create new patterns and beliefs with what you want. Believe it. Fight the voice {the voice in your head}.
Fourth question of the day to Journal:
Bri Litster
Everyone has breakers you have to break through to get to the point that you can glide the waves. Emotions are supposed to teach us...be willing to go through the pain to get the joy.
Be a positive force. Negative never equals positive. You can't avoid negative experiences or trauma. But you still have a choice. They influence how we see the world and ourselves and how we interact with the world. Make a choice about what we will do with the trauma because its who we believe we are.
When trauma happens, you go into survival mode. You just exist. Trauma produces victims or victors. Trauma is an event that you can't escape from. Own it. Quit reacting. Have courage to go through the fire. Emotion is tied to our trauma. You have to step back and deal with the negative emotion. Feel it. Release it. Let it go. The emotion will lead you to discover it. Stop and listen to what you need. Don't let the emotions pull you under. Don't let it own you. See the beauty in who you are. It doesn't have to be perfect. You are perfect NOW. Change your definition of perfect.
You are more than what happened to you! God doesn't make junk.
Tony Litster
Stuff that happened will show up again. If unexamined we will sabotage everything. Choose between being right vs successful. There is a difference.
You have another chance every day to try again.
Learn how to process it so it doesn't ruin your life. The right might be bumpy.
Fifth question of the day to Journal:
That's a lie. It never ends. The need to validate yourself. The expectation that everyone has their **** together is impossible. Nobody has it all together. These are impossible games. If I chose in {to these lies} then I can choose out {of these lies}.
You have two choices: You are or you are not enough!
Create a story you can win. Create a game you can win.
We then had an exercise with our eyes closed to take us to a safe place, relax, explore our beliefs, to not carry the old stuff anymore, answer who are you, change your story, develop a vision and to reinforce it so it becomes who you are.
Gerald Rogers
The purpose of today is for you to figure out who you are. you have the capacity to be a different personality depending on the circumstances you are presented and living in.
We did a Soul Script Personality Test. We then interacted in the 4 groups and learned more about ourselves and others.
Sixth question of the day to Journal:
The music playing as we walked into the event was the song: This is your Life, are you who you want to be?
Gerald Rogers
Ask yourself tough questions. Meaningful questions. What is my purpose? What is possible with my life? What does it mean to LiveBIG?
Be passionate. Meaningful. Purpose Driven Life.
What do you want to experience? What are you willing to do to make that happen? Are you willing to let go of what's limiting you?
You have a special calling. Be the best you can be.
Sometimes its a scary moment to let go. To have courage. To ask questions. To test your wings. To soar.
Play a Level 10. How you play the game here is how you play out there! Get outside your comfort zone. Engage. What you get out of it is what you put into it.
Repetition is the mother of all learning.
Rewrite the stories of your life.
First question for the day to Journal:
"What does it mean to LiveBIG?"{I will do my answers at a later date.}
Leverage the lessons learned from your past. Be in love with you. Treat it with respect. How do you live each day? Is it within this focus of living big?
Your life is a Blank White Canvas...How do you want your life to look? Trust and know the answers will come. This is worth investing in.
Second question for the day to Journal:
"How does it look for you to live big emotionally, physically, spiritually?"{Again, I will do my answers at a later date explaining how I want to LiveBIG.}
We matched up with a partner. We had to share with them what living big looked like for us. They shared with us. We had to look into their eyes for a full minute. Then we had to tell them what we saw:
"The greatness I see in you..."See yourself for who you are from the space of your greatness.
LIES = limits. TRUTH = free.
Lies are stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Step more fully into the truth...the truth will empower you. Be in alignment with truth and confidence in the outcome. Be reminded and reintroduced into truth each day while you are here.
An introduction into each of the team, what they do, who they are, why they are here and what they want for us out of this event. The theme: You get to be who you are truly are by forgetting about who you were told you were. We want you to experience full love and greatness. Not pain. Frustration. Doubt. Fear. Limits.
A review of the rules during these 3 days.
Be committed to your commitment. So you can have order. Life does happen and we have to make choices. Are they more important than your commitments? Be in integrity with your commitments. Results happen because of your commitments. Trust your own word because you know you will follow through.
Commit at 100% or 0%. Either commit all or nothing. All is YES, completely, fully. Nothing is NO, and is okay. It is okay to say NO.
Question: Why do we feel we can't say no. {There is a lot of engagement with the audience. I chose to answer this question which made me be chosen as the spotlight for the next part of this session, about 15 minutes. I will do a whole post on this later.}
We all have had experiences. Many of them are neutral experiences but when we give them meaning they create a definition we give them. Each person has their own experiences then create for them meaning, and their own definitions that they have attributed to these experiences. Not everyone has the same experience, meaning or definition to the same statement or experience.
End of the Morning Session Challenge: Ask someone what it means to LiveBIG!
Return to begin the Afternoon Session:
Reviewed the question asked to people when we went to have lunch as to what does it mean to them to LiveBIG.
Discussed that we all need buddies, what are the attributes of buddies, what we need or want from a buddy, how to be a buddy, and they had us pick a buddy. Girls with girls. Guys with guys.
We then were asked questions that our buddy answered so we could learn more about them. We then were asked questions so that our buddy could learn about us. And of course, they touched on everything!
Marci Lock
Why am I stuck?
You are powerful beyond measure. What we know we are is based on what we have been told and experienced.
Experience = Decisions/Beliefs = Identity = Patterns/Behaviors = Results
All you want is to be loved. Peace. Freedom.
The story that you are living is what you believe about yourself. You carry out your actions by what you believe. Internal World = Outer World. Your actions will validate your feelings/internal beliefs.
Remember who you truly are. Create that image. Whatever you are looking for you will find. Everything I am experiencing is my choice.
1. Attract
2. Interpret
3. Act Out
You eventually sabotage it if you don't believe it is good enough. Allow yourself to live in different beliefs/belief systems. Triggers will create you to carry out your interpretations.
From your roots you get your fruit. Your results don't lie. What do I want? What do I want to be? Plant a new see to create a new tree to create awesome fruit.
We see failure and quit. Forget who you were told to be. Forget who you think you are. Be who you believe you are.
Third question of the day to Journal:
"Write a list of your beliefs through your stories, your life, your family/friendships/relationships/people, events."{Again, I will share mine with you later.}
Become conscious of your words, your feelings, your thoughts, your actions. Why do I feel what I am feeling? What is the action to create what I want? What will that give me? What do I want? Is it true?
Be okay with you. Let it be a mirror for you. Don't be attached. Look at the root cause and clear it.
Rework your web...cut your strings. Rewire your subconscious. Don't just get it intellectually. Don't live in a mask. Don't avoid the pain. Look at the resistance. Find yourself. Create new patterns and beliefs with what you want. Believe it. Fight the voice {the voice in your head}.
Fourth question of the day to Journal:
"What results is/are not working in your life?"We then watched a video from Bob Ross about painting on canvas. Here is the video and here are my nuggets from it:
"Paint a lot of good thoughts until its your belief...all you have to is practice...you're the creator...you have freedom on this canvas...believe you can create it...you can do anything you want to do...this is your world...I believe!"
Bri Litster
Everyone has breakers you have to break through to get to the point that you can glide the waves. Emotions are supposed to teach us...be willing to go through the pain to get the joy.
Be a positive force. Negative never equals positive. You can't avoid negative experiences or trauma. But you still have a choice. They influence how we see the world and ourselves and how we interact with the world. Make a choice about what we will do with the trauma because its who we believe we are.
When trauma happens, you go into survival mode. You just exist. Trauma produces victims or victors. Trauma is an event that you can't escape from. Own it. Quit reacting. Have courage to go through the fire. Emotion is tied to our trauma. You have to step back and deal with the negative emotion. Feel it. Release it. Let it go. The emotion will lead you to discover it. Stop and listen to what you need. Don't let the emotions pull you under. Don't let it own you. See the beauty in who you are. It doesn't have to be perfect. You are perfect NOW. Change your definition of perfect.
You are more than what happened to you! God doesn't make junk.
Tony Litster
Stuff that happened will show up again. If unexamined we will sabotage everything. Choose between being right vs successful. There is a difference.
You have another chance every day to try again.
Learn how to process it so it doesn't ruin your life. The right might be bumpy.
Fifth question of the day to Journal:
"If only I was..."
"...then I am OKAY."
That's a lie. It never ends. The need to validate yourself. The expectation that everyone has their **** together is impossible. Nobody has it all together. These are impossible games. If I chose in {to these lies} then I can choose out {of these lies}.
You have two choices: You are or you are not enough!
Create a story you can win. Create a game you can win.
"I do the best I can with what I have and when I mess up, I learn!"When our story changes, we start to see things by our fruits. I am the maker of The Story/My Story. Take a look at your story, is it possible? Does it serve you? Is it an impossible game?
We then had an exercise with our eyes closed to take us to a safe place, relax, explore our beliefs, to not carry the old stuff anymore, answer who are you, change your story, develop a vision and to reinforce it so it becomes who you are.
Gerald Rogers
The purpose of today is for you to figure out who you are. you have the capacity to be a different personality depending on the circumstances you are presented and living in.
We did a Soul Script Personality Test. We then interacted in the 4 groups and learned more about ourselves and others.
Sixth question of the day to Journal:
"Who are you? Create three words that describe yourself and repeat it."
travels to LiveBIG in SLC
Again, I experienced a rough night of sleep. Awake at 5am. Finish packing and head to a clients office. A day packed with conference calls, meetings and training sessions. I worked solidly up until the slotted time I had let my client know I would be leaving (4pm) and was walking down the stairwell at 4.10pm, proud that I was that much on time in light of all I had to still do at 5 minutes to 4pm. {Truly, this was cutting it too close, but its the way I do things because I don't want to disappoint my client, so I push the line and make it crunched for myself.}
Now for the rush to the airport. 15 minutes from the airport, we come to a deadlock. Dead stuck in traffic. I made the quick decision to change my route and go the north side entrance. Probably was not the best decision because 10 minutes down the rode I got stuck in another deadlock.
Park the car. Grab my stuff. Get on the bus to head to the terminal. Print my luggage slip to check my bag hurry off to the airport security check point. Waiting in line, I realize I don't have my boarding pass. Get out of line, head back to the self checkin I used and retrieved it. Back in line, now 10 more people ahead of me. Awwwhhhhhhh, some things just happen like this.
Once through security I hurried to the gate with 30 minutes to spare. No decent food around the gate and I decided I would just grab something when I got to Salt Lake City as it was only a 2.5 hour flight. {Clearly was no thinking about my body and that you don't get food on the plane. Mistake.}
I was flying American Airlines. We had two seats on the left side of the plane and 3 on the right. I was next to an Engineer from Ukraine. When the stewardess came by, I ordered water, a glass of red wine and some hummus and crackers. In doing so, I made a casual comment that I had not anticipated this would be my dinner. He laughed and we started chatting. He was very smart. Showed me pictures of his wife and two kids. Shared with me what he does in his work, how much he travels, how he works with business owners, how he loves to read, follows motivational speakers, love good quotes. He shared these with me:
He then shared what his definition of Success was:
We begin our descent to SLC. After circling for a bit, we are told that we are unable to land due to the weather and we are being rerouted to Las Vegas. We will have to sit on the runway for 2.5 hours and then when cleared, we will return.
The bulk of people on the plane took this really well. The guy, David, I was sitting next to and I laughed about it all. We landed. They fueled us up. We sat about 30 minutes and then were told that we were going to be getting off and into another plane that had equipment that would enable us to land. This is when people got a little bit irritated. How could this plane not have the right equipment to land. Didn't they know what the weather was like in SLC before they left? We joked and said, "What, does the plane not have fog lights?"
We got off the plane. In another 45 minutes or so we boarded and within the hour we were off. It was foggy when we returned to land at SLC Airport. It was 12.45amCST at this point. I was one of 5 people left waiting on luggage that started looking like it wasn't going to show. 15 minutes later it finally did.
Off to get my rental car.
I had booked my travel through Expedia and my reservation was with Advantage. As I approached the counter, I told the lady that I had a reservation. She told me that she had been closed for over 30 minutes. I said I was sorry, but I had a reservation. She then told me, after looking at my paperwork, that I was to have been here hours ago. I said, Yes, I am aware of that however I got here as quickly as I could as our flight was rerouted to Las Vegas due to the weather. She said, don't have an attitude with me. I said, I am sorry, I don't, I am just explaining. She said, do you want me to help you or not? I said, yes please. She said I only have one vehicle left and it is a sport utility vehicle for $51.00 a day before taxes and airport fees. I said, that is not what I reserved or the price in my budget. I had reserved something really cheap for $135.00 total. She then got really sassy at this point and said, do you want it or not miss. At this point, I was ready to cry. No dinner. Beyond exhausted. Fatigue issues setting in and hitting me flat in the face. Not only was I trying my best to deal with the situation and make the best of it, but this lady clearly was having a bad day and trying to make my life living hell. And at the moment, I felt she was doing a dang good job at it. I resented her attitude and decided I didn't want to rent this from her, forget the fact that it would be a gas hog and was over my budget. I figured I could get something else at one of the other places.
Wrong. It was Sundance Festival (still don't know what that is, but a big even and they were out of supply of rental vehicles) and also winter ski season in SLC. I went to Dollar and asked if they could help me. They only had one option, to put me in a mini Susuki car for $48.00 a day. So much for saving money!!! I was now spending $340.00.
My body was screaming at me. I knew I had a 30 minute drive yet even after all this got resolved. I was angry. I was crying out, Why God? Why ME? You know I was just trying to do my best and not take any more time than necessary off work so that I could not lose out on taking care of my clients and yet not get in too late and yet, look what was happening? If you are trying to work all things for my good, Why is this happening to me??? How is this loving?
Yes, my attitude was sour. Really sour. I was beginning to question why I had even come. Why I had bothered. My adrenal fatigue issues taking over any logical thinking. Life clearly was being so difficult that trying to do anything was nearly impossible.
I posted on Facebook:
Dear God. This was not my plan. Please be with me. I need you. Now. Up 21+ Hours. Not sure how I am gonna do this but as always, I will trust you!!!
I hit the highway and used my GPS to head towards my hotel in Sandy, Utah. Approximately 6 minutes from where the conference was to be held. I arrived at 2.30amMT/3.30amCST. I got into my room, hung up my hangup things and crawled in bed, now so utterly tired that sleep didn't want to come. It finally did. I got 3 hours and then I was up having to get ready to head to the conference.
I was feeling sick to my stomach. My body was feverish. My eyes glazed severely glazed, which is what happens when I don't get enough rest and my adrenals are drained. I wasn't hungry. I was tired. Only tired. I decided to get caffeine, another decision that probably wasn't best. It only made the nausea worse.
I arrived at the conference already emotionally spent and it hadn't begun. I truly felt myself going through the motions but my heart not in any of it. I couldn't believe this is how things worked out.
I spent some time in prayer, trying to calm the anxiety I felt. Trying to refocus my life on the things that were important. Trying to remember the thing my Granma Omi would have said - "It's a no control situation, Misty." It was. The things I could have controlled, I didn't. There was no way to undo those now. I needed to glean from it the lessons I needed to learn and make the changes. What were those lessons? Maybe with time I would figure out, but at the moment, my heart was hurting so deeply, I was beyond frustrated.
I posted on Facebook:
I request your continued prayers. My heart is aching. My body depleted. My soul discouraged. My understanding of God today being questioned. I am hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally...not the way I anticipated arriving to Salt Lake City, Utah for my conference. Trying to understand God's "plans for me".
I am not one who posts much negative stuff and I got lots of response. I got prayers sent via text messages. I got private Facebook messages. I got scriptures to encourage me. I got friends showing me love. It made it slightly more bearable, but not much. I was drained beyond anything I had faced in a long time and my body was screaming at me. Things had gone too far. I was starting the LiveBIG 3 Day Conference in a bad frame of mind and I knew it.
As usual, I pushed through my feelings and went anyways, even after some people encouraged me to stay at the hotel. I obviously couldn't sleep since I woke up so early so I knew there was no used to back out of anything. And I went.
Now for the rush to the airport. 15 minutes from the airport, we come to a deadlock. Dead stuck in traffic. I made the quick decision to change my route and go the north side entrance. Probably was not the best decision because 10 minutes down the rode I got stuck in another deadlock.
Park the car. Grab my stuff. Get on the bus to head to the terminal. Print my luggage slip to check my bag hurry off to the airport security check point. Waiting in line, I realize I don't have my boarding pass. Get out of line, head back to the self checkin I used and retrieved it. Back in line, now 10 more people ahead of me. Awwwhhhhhhh, some things just happen like this.
Once through security I hurried to the gate with 30 minutes to spare. No decent food around the gate and I decided I would just grab something when I got to Salt Lake City as it was only a 2.5 hour flight. {Clearly was no thinking about my body and that you don't get food on the plane. Mistake.}
I was flying American Airlines. We had two seats on the left side of the plane and 3 on the right. I was next to an Engineer from Ukraine. When the stewardess came by, I ordered water, a glass of red wine and some hummus and crackers. In doing so, I made a casual comment that I had not anticipated this would be my dinner. He laughed and we started chatting. He was very smart. Showed me pictures of his wife and two kids. Shared with me what he does in his work, how much he travels, how he works with business owners, how he loves to read, follows motivational speakers, love good quotes. He shared these with me:
Be All InWe discussed what it meant to be all in. It was interesting.
He then shared what his definition of Success was:
Success = enthusiasm, determination, commitment, and passionHe then asked what I was going to Salt Lake City for. I explained. He then said to me, you seem to already have your act together and that you don't need this. I told him that I didn't see it that way. I explained that if you don't grow yourself, you can't grow your business. He agreed but said that by the level of self help I already was doing he wouldn't agree that I needed to spend $597 on a conference. I didn't argue further. Even though we shared some common connection in thoughts on training employees and business, we obviously had some differences. I wasn't here to convince him. It didn't matter what he thought I did or didn't need. I was going to grow me.
We begin our descent to SLC. After circling for a bit, we are told that we are unable to land due to the weather and we are being rerouted to Las Vegas. We will have to sit on the runway for 2.5 hours and then when cleared, we will return.
The bulk of people on the plane took this really well. The guy, David, I was sitting next to and I laughed about it all. We landed. They fueled us up. We sat about 30 minutes and then were told that we were going to be getting off and into another plane that had equipment that would enable us to land. This is when people got a little bit irritated. How could this plane not have the right equipment to land. Didn't they know what the weather was like in SLC before they left? We joked and said, "What, does the plane not have fog lights?"
We got off the plane. In another 45 minutes or so we boarded and within the hour we were off. It was foggy when we returned to land at SLC Airport. It was 12.45amCST at this point. I was one of 5 people left waiting on luggage that started looking like it wasn't going to show. 15 minutes later it finally did.
Off to get my rental car.
I had booked my travel through Expedia and my reservation was with Advantage. As I approached the counter, I told the lady that I had a reservation. She told me that she had been closed for over 30 minutes. I said I was sorry, but I had a reservation. She then told me, after looking at my paperwork, that I was to have been here hours ago. I said, Yes, I am aware of that however I got here as quickly as I could as our flight was rerouted to Las Vegas due to the weather. She said, don't have an attitude with me. I said, I am sorry, I don't, I am just explaining. She said, do you want me to help you or not? I said, yes please. She said I only have one vehicle left and it is a sport utility vehicle for $51.00 a day before taxes and airport fees. I said, that is not what I reserved or the price in my budget. I had reserved something really cheap for $135.00 total. She then got really sassy at this point and said, do you want it or not miss. At this point, I was ready to cry. No dinner. Beyond exhausted. Fatigue issues setting in and hitting me flat in the face. Not only was I trying my best to deal with the situation and make the best of it, but this lady clearly was having a bad day and trying to make my life living hell. And at the moment, I felt she was doing a dang good job at it. I resented her attitude and decided I didn't want to rent this from her, forget the fact that it would be a gas hog and was over my budget. I figured I could get something else at one of the other places.
Wrong. It was Sundance Festival (still don't know what that is, but a big even and they were out of supply of rental vehicles) and also winter ski season in SLC. I went to Dollar and asked if they could help me. They only had one option, to put me in a mini Susuki car for $48.00 a day. So much for saving money!!! I was now spending $340.00.
My body was screaming at me. I knew I had a 30 minute drive yet even after all this got resolved. I was angry. I was crying out, Why God? Why ME? You know I was just trying to do my best and not take any more time than necessary off work so that I could not lose out on taking care of my clients and yet not get in too late and yet, look what was happening? If you are trying to work all things for my good, Why is this happening to me??? How is this loving?
Yes, my attitude was sour. Really sour. I was beginning to question why I had even come. Why I had bothered. My adrenal fatigue issues taking over any logical thinking. Life clearly was being so difficult that trying to do anything was nearly impossible.
I posted on Facebook:
Dear God. This was not my plan. Please be with me. I need you. Now. Up 21+ Hours. Not sure how I am gonna do this but as always, I will trust you!!!
I hit the highway and used my GPS to head towards my hotel in Sandy, Utah. Approximately 6 minutes from where the conference was to be held. I arrived at 2.30amMT/3.30amCST. I got into my room, hung up my hangup things and crawled in bed, now so utterly tired that sleep didn't want to come. It finally did. I got 3 hours and then I was up having to get ready to head to the conference.
I was feeling sick to my stomach. My body was feverish. My eyes glazed severely glazed, which is what happens when I don't get enough rest and my adrenals are drained. I wasn't hungry. I was tired. Only tired. I decided to get caffeine, another decision that probably wasn't best. It only made the nausea worse.
I arrived at the conference already emotionally spent and it hadn't begun. I truly felt myself going through the motions but my heart not in any of it. I couldn't believe this is how things worked out.
I spent some time in prayer, trying to calm the anxiety I felt. Trying to refocus my life on the things that were important. Trying to remember the thing my Granma Omi would have said - "It's a no control situation, Misty." It was. The things I could have controlled, I didn't. There was no way to undo those now. I needed to glean from it the lessons I needed to learn and make the changes. What were those lessons? Maybe with time I would figure out, but at the moment, my heart was hurting so deeply, I was beyond frustrated.
I posted on Facebook:
I request your continued prayers. My heart is aching. My body depleted. My soul discouraged. My understanding of God today being questioned. I am hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally...not the way I anticipated arriving to Salt Lake City, Utah for my conference. Trying to understand God's "plans for me".
I am not one who posts much negative stuff and I got lots of response. I got prayers sent via text messages. I got private Facebook messages. I got scriptures to encourage me. I got friends showing me love. It made it slightly more bearable, but not much. I was drained beyond anything I had faced in a long time and my body was screaming at me. Things had gone too far. I was starting the LiveBIG 3 Day Conference in a bad frame of mind and I knew it.
As usual, I pushed through my feelings and went anyways, even after some people encouraged me to stay at the hotel. I obviously couldn't sleep since I woke up so early so I knew there was no used to back out of anything. And I went.
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