It’s more important to have a marriage that lasts forever than embracing a popular opinion.
- Andy Traub
Friday, May 30, 2014
Dating Questions: How do you explain I don't expect you to be...
A virgin.
One of the guys I went out on a date with shook his head and told me that he didn't understand why I would be interested in him because he wasn't a virgin.
I was a bit taken aback by his comment, for two reasons. First off, a guy around my age who hasn't had sex with a girl is probably nearly unlikely. That's a fact. Is it possible? Sure, but likely? No. Second, this wasn't a conversation I had mentally prepared myself would be "an issue". Yes, how this aspect has been a part of your life or not a part of your life, that would be a discussion I would expect to be having in our dating relationship, but I did not expect this to be a topic of concern. I get I probably should have been, but let's face it, I wasn't.
At first, I was at a loss as to how to respond. I was amazed that this bothered him so greatly. And after other various dating conversations, I guess it kinda was the opposite of what I had experienced and so it didn't have me in a phase to be ready to address this. I also guess I thought girls were the ones that took this to heart matter to heart, the most...to learn that this is important to a guy no matter how society looks at the dynamic of sex or how much "men love sex" and so many people say its okay to live as you want, it became really clear to me that guys still want that connection to be with "the one her" and they desire to be in a relationship that matters and both parties mutually understand each other and not have experienced this with many people. They don't like being thought of as a player, even if this is how they have lived.
So how do respond to that statement? How do you answer that question?
For me, once I got passed the surprise, it was simple.
I initially responded that I am not a virgin either. Yes, maybe not under the same circumstances by choice, and yes, only a one time encounter, but the fact remains. It's not like I am "Miss Purity"...BUT I am pure in the sense that God has covered me, he has made me new, he has redeemed me, he has made me worthy, he has taken away the guilt put on me, he has restored me, he paid the price for me and I must no longer feel like "used goods" (this is the term my Mom states I am and continues to remind me of whenever she can, and probably will for the rest of my life to reinforce her belief that I will never be wanted by a man because of this awful experience). This is an absolute lie and I will live in the truth! I am not defined by what has happened to me and I will not live in this negative belief. I am done with that story. I have erased it and am moving past it for all I am worth!
From there I addressed the thought and question this way...
The question to me isn't about whether you have or you haven't lived a life solely committed to one person in your past, though that is a conversation we must discuss, but what is your belief now? How do you live your life now in that aspect? What is your purpose in the relationship? That is the true test to your character and belief about this aspect of your life, as it relates to a relationship with God and what he wants for you and from you, and what you want for yourself. If you know those were choices you made in previous experiences, maybe you would choose something different now if you had them to make all over again, either way, you have faced the results of these choices and consequences for them, you have asked God to forgive you for them and you know that he has, and now you are living a life of purity in your heart and mind and body now!!! This is what matters to me. This is what I will base my view of you on, because this is how God views you!
This doesn't excuse your conduct, it doesn't mean there won't be obstacles to overcome, it doesn't mean you won't have to work through the feelings it has created in your world, it means that you are a sinner saved by grace...made pure like white snow...just like me! And I will choose to love you!!! All of you.
I loved a thought in a book I read recently:
Wow...what if we kept that in perspective? That doesn't mean God doesn't call us to live Holy Lives, he does! But what price did he pay for us?
How would you have responded to such a question? How do you help a guy work through these emotions and feelings of being unworthy of you? How do you reinforce this appropriately and yet uphold godly conduct?
One of the guys I went out on a date with shook his head and told me that he didn't understand why I would be interested in him because he wasn't a virgin.
I was a bit taken aback by his comment, for two reasons. First off, a guy around my age who hasn't had sex with a girl is probably nearly unlikely. That's a fact. Is it possible? Sure, but likely? No. Second, this wasn't a conversation I had mentally prepared myself would be "an issue". Yes, how this aspect has been a part of your life or not a part of your life, that would be a discussion I would expect to be having in our dating relationship, but I did not expect this to be a topic of concern. I get I probably should have been, but let's face it, I wasn't.
At first, I was at a loss as to how to respond. I was amazed that this bothered him so greatly. And after other various dating conversations, I guess it kinda was the opposite of what I had experienced and so it didn't have me in a phase to be ready to address this. I also guess I thought girls were the ones that took this to heart matter to heart, the most...to learn that this is important to a guy no matter how society looks at the dynamic of sex or how much "men love sex" and so many people say its okay to live as you want, it became really clear to me that guys still want that connection to be with "the one her" and they desire to be in a relationship that matters and both parties mutually understand each other and not have experienced this with many people. They don't like being thought of as a player, even if this is how they have lived.
So how do respond to that statement? How do you answer that question?
For me, once I got passed the surprise, it was simple.
I initially responded that I am not a virgin either. Yes, maybe not under the same circumstances by choice, and yes, only a one time encounter, but the fact remains. It's not like I am "Miss Purity"...BUT I am pure in the sense that God has covered me, he has made me new, he has redeemed me, he has made me worthy, he has taken away the guilt put on me, he has restored me, he paid the price for me and I must no longer feel like "used goods" (this is the term my Mom states I am and continues to remind me of whenever she can, and probably will for the rest of my life to reinforce her belief that I will never be wanted by a man because of this awful experience). This is an absolute lie and I will live in the truth! I am not defined by what has happened to me and I will not live in this negative belief. I am done with that story. I have erased it and am moving past it for all I am worth!
From there I addressed the thought and question this way...
The question to me isn't about whether you have or you haven't lived a life solely committed to one person in your past, though that is a conversation we must discuss, but what is your belief now? How do you live your life now in that aspect? What is your purpose in the relationship? That is the true test to your character and belief about this aspect of your life, as it relates to a relationship with God and what he wants for you and from you, and what you want for yourself. If you know those were choices you made in previous experiences, maybe you would choose something different now if you had them to make all over again, either way, you have faced the results of these choices and consequences for them, you have asked God to forgive you for them and you know that he has, and now you are living a life of purity in your heart and mind and body now!!! This is what matters to me. This is what I will base my view of you on, because this is how God views you!
For me to judge you differently and hold something against you isn't acting in love as God loves and as God does with you.
This doesn't excuse your conduct, it doesn't mean there won't be obstacles to overcome, it doesn't mean you won't have to work through the feelings it has created in your world, it means that you are a sinner saved by grace...made pure like white snow...just like me! And I will choose to love you!!! All of you.
I loved a thought in a book I read recently:
Your virginity isn't the most precious part of you; your soul is, the place where Jesus lives.
- Not Marked
Wow...what if we kept that in perspective? That doesn't mean God doesn't call us to live Holy Lives, he does! But what price did he pay for us?
How would you have responded to such a question? How do you help a guy work through these emotions and feelings of being unworthy of you? How do you reinforce this appropriately and yet uphold godly conduct?
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