Monday, May 26, 2014

Lessons Learned in Online Dating

If you follow my blog, you know that I began the online dating scene April 10th, 2014.  

A big step for me.  Something that both is intriguing, very fun and exciting at the same time as being scary, creating challenges and forcing me to work past my fears!!! 

The last few weeks have been a time for me to work through so many things from beliefs I have had about men and dating vs to actually experience the reality of men and dating.  I have made choices or done things that I would do different if the same scenario played out again.  Not choices I regret, not things that are wrong, just little things that later you think you could have done or said differently.  But isn't this life?  Isn't that why we get to live out our days learning from the choices we make and doing things better next time?  

I already have learned some incredible things about myself and about men.  And I am sure I will learn more!


  • No matter how hard it is to tell your story, or the results of an incredulous look on the guys face or to see him choking on a glass of water when you share details, you can't keep back the truth and you need to know if they will accept you for who you are.
  • A guy is more apt to be bold and tell you what he thinks of you via text than in words, but it doesn't mean they won't.
  • The main thing a guy wants to know upfront is if you find him attractive.  They don't get that attraction for a girl goes beyond how handsome you are and that what wins her heart is more than your looks.  
  • Don't be shocked when the six profile pictures aren't enough to intrigue them and when you won't share more, you know their true intentions.
  • The gut instincts you have about a person are there for a reason and if you second guess yourself or tell yourself you are overthinking it/reading between the lines too hard/not getting a clue, you will see these reasons display themselves in an even bigger proportion and it probably won't be any easier to deal with, only harder.  Be true to your intuition and attentive to the signs, they are there for a reason.  Either way, you will get another chance to know for sure if you were or if you weren't correct in your gut instincts.  A true message you need to get will present itself more than once.
  • The chance of a guy wanting you to kiss him before you think he will or you are ready, is very high.
  • The saying, out of the mouth the heart speaks, is applicable to guys too.
  • To observe a man in his interactions with his friends, the waitress, or his kids, tells you a bunch about his communication style, how patient he is and what makes him frustrated, whether he puts you first or himself, whether he can roll with the things that happen, and what he can/will laugh at.  Make the most of these encounters because you might only get one date to learn all you can!
  • Sometimes it only takes one date to know if there is potential with a person.  Sometimes it takes more than one to know.
  • Guys are not used to someone being generous and loving.  It's fun to be different and let them experience something they need and want.
  • Guys do a much better job than us gals do at saying no and doing what they want.  They do much better at staying focused on one thing and following through, not feeling like they have to say yes to everyone and everything.  They create time and space for themselves with no regrets.  The lessons I have learned by observing, listening and taking their admonishment to me in this area has been phenomenal.  I have been told Misty, can you imagine what your life would be like if you had a man in your world, helping you to set boundaries and achieve what you desire?  I have never, but I now have a glimpse of what that might be like.
  • Guys tend to not be planners.  They live in the moment and will plan when that moment arrives.  This has been a huge adjustment for me.  I don't know if it is training, personality, or preferences (or all of the above) but I am learning to live for today and let things just happen.
  • No matter how many walls you have built up, how much fear you have, what past experiences you have had with relationships, there is always an opportunity to take your life and make a change when you allow God to show you how to do that.
  • There are no words for the depths of a human relationship and connection that God designed.  The results of relationships built on a foundation of love, acceptance, and trust are amazing.
  • The greatest thing you can do in a relationship is to just listen.
  • No matter the outcome of a date, kindness matters.  No matter what your reasons are for the two of you not being a fit, kindness matters.  
  • All relationships are not created equal, but if you show up authentic, real, open, honest, create trust, be respectful, and communicate, you will have no regrets.  When you stay committed to these principles, you will learn and develop your relationship skills beyond what you thought you already had achieved.


I have begun to realize that the involvement in learning to get to know a man and letting one into my personal space, to see my heart, to get to know me, to receive their compliments and words of affection, to let myself be hugged and touched, to allow them to think I am dang cute and not be adverse to this attention, to be comfortable alone in their presence, to be willing to share my story even if it means they won't accept me, is all going to be a key in moving past my fears and allowing myself to be loved which will be part of healing from my past...and allowing me to live life at a deeper level with love.  Something I never dreamed I would want but something I have come to believe I need more than anything else.

Part of me wonders how hard this is going to be, but the deepest part of me knows that the most rewarding work is the stuff that is the most difficult.  You don't get to move through to healing without pain.  You don't get to experience health without addressing the issues that don't create a body of health, and this includes mentally, physically, spiritually and yes, emotionally.  

I have been out with 5 guys in the 8 weeks since my first date.  Of those 5 guys, I have been out with one guy twice and one guy four times, however there is only 1 guy still in the picture.  I have achieved exactly what I set out to do in creating an online dating profile and for now, I will be taking a break.  I want to learn what I can from these relationship experiences, knowing that each of them were brought into my path for a purpose that was perfect for me, lessons and experiences I needed as a part of this phase in my life.  I want to reflect and continue to grow me and prepare me to be the person that God wants me to be for whatever my life holds next.  I pray that God continues to lead and guide me in all aspects of this and that I will be willing to take a relationship further with a man if this is what he has planned for me in my life, when and if someone wants that role in my life.  If not, I still will be grateful for what each of these guys have helped me to do.  They each have played a part in moving me further on in my journey and I pray that I have done the same for them.

As always, I covet your prayers for me in this courageous journey we each must live.  The choice is yours today...go live courageously!

Quotes

Sometimes, all a girl wants is for you to fight for her. Make her believe that you want this relationship more than she does. 
- Single Matters

Dating Questions: Do you believe there is One Person for you?

So I have been actively doing the dating scene for 6 weeks since going live on two online datings sites.  The questions these guys ask sometimes are interesting, and this was one of them.  Do You believe there is One Person for you?

On a date, this guy asked me if I believe that there is one person for you.  An interesting question.  He believes there is.  I don't.  We discussed it and I am going to share my thoughts with you as to why I don't believe that.

Do I believe that you are attracted to certain types of people?  Yes. 

Do I believe that there is someone out there for you?  Yes.

Do I believe that there is only one person out there for you?  No.  

Here is why.  

Is there one house for you?  One car for you?  One job for you?  No.  Depending on what state you decide to settle in there may me one or two different houses for you, but you will find the best one that is the best match at that time within your budget, the location within the area you will work or are willing to commute to, one that is closest to your friends if that is of importance to you, one that fits the rural or city lifestyle you desire, etc.  There are multiple choices, but at the time that you decide you are house hunting, or car shopping, or job searching, you will find the one that is the best fit for where you are in life at that time.  The one that will provide for your needs at that time.  If you decide none of these work for you, you will wait and keep either decide to keep pursuing it or put it on the back burner until a future date when you are ready to begin the search again.  You may decide to force it to happen and pay the consequences of not having done enough research into the house.  You may get a bad house because you didn't get it inspected or it had issues that you either ignored or thought were not a big deal or were not aware of.  All of these things are possibilities and how you approach the decision making process and how much you seek input from others, do your own research, utilize those that can give you facts about the house, and what you are willing to spend to make it happen.  

It's simple.  And I believe dating and choosing a spouse is much the same way.

I am 37.  Never dated.  Never had a boyfriend.  Does that mean for the last 20 years that there have not been men that I could have dated or had as a boyfriend?  No.  Does that mean that because I wasn't dating or interested in dating that the one person that was out there for me is now with someone else?  No.  Does that mean that because I passed up that one person that maybe there is no one person for me?  No.  Does that mean that I will now find that one person since I am in the process of evaluating the dating scene and checking things out?  No.

I believe it is exactly the same as house hunting.  Where I am in life now will attract the person that is right for me now.  The person that will fit what I need now.  The person that will help me to grow and become a better person than I am now.  It is a choice and when and if I ever make that choice, I will decide to grow with that person for life.  Our relationship may change, but they will always be mine and I will always be theirs.  I believe there are many options for a spouse and that we make the choice to love that person and make it work.  Does that mean it isn't a perfect fit if you don't find the one?  Yes, it can be, but I don't believe there is one person that fits that or we would not be attracted to various types of people.  Is there one person that is above the rest?  Yes, I believe there are levels to the relationship that make someone a better match for you then someone else, but to think that only one person can fit that mix, No, I don't believe that.  The rest of life and how God created relationships doesn't align like that and I don't think this does either.  So now dude, I don't believe there is one person for you, but when you find the person you want, they will be your one person!