Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Dating Lessons: Truth & Honesty

In dating, one of the critical pieces you are trying to figure out is if a person is honest and truthful.  On all subjects.  

We all have had bad experiences.  We all have faced challenges and hard times.  We all have moments we wish didn't exist in our stories.  We all have things that we are ashamed of, regret, want to erase, don't want to remember, wish we didn't have to discuss, etc.

In learning about a person, you need to know if they will be truthful about everything.  If they will be honest about the tough crap.  If they will be open to discussing it.  If they will be authentic about their mistakes and lessons they have learned.  Or if they hide parts of their story.  

These are things that come through a continual open dialogue of discussions on various subjects.  Many times you have to have multiple conversations on certain topics to make sure you get all the facts and are presented the same story each time and that the story doesn't change based on the questions you ask or the details that come up.  

As one who has spent a good portion of my life having to investigate issues and cross examine to find the errors, through auditing and other formats, I have developed some ways to achieve getting the information and answers you need to problem solve.  One way I have approached questioning a dating potential partner is by stating:  Can you remind me when such and such happened?  I have a very good memory, but I want to make sure you tell me the same time frame a second, third, or fourth time.  I believe people can be effective liars and extremely dishonest.  However, if you approach the topic with the attitude that they are telling the truth until proven otherwise, you will be giving them the opportunity to expose themselves. If you approach the topic that they are lying and you don't believe they are telling the truth, they are going to feel this vibe and its going to feed the character trait they have and make them feel backed in a corner.  It won't give them the feeling you want the answer, whether its the truth or not.

Don't hesitate to cross examine or backtrack to find out more information.  But do so in a loving, caring, and learning method, not one of condemnation or in a critical attitude and you are bound to learn exactly what pieces of information you need to know.  You will be giving them an opportunity to prove if they are trustworthy and honest.  Find ways to bring the answers to this out on the table because the truth cannot be hid.

What skills have you developed to learn the truth and honesty about a person?

Monday, July 21, 2014

Quotes

Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Dating Lessons: Talk and Walk

Learning about someone takes time.  

You need to be able to have enough encounters with a person to observe what they say and what they do.  If you only pay attention to one or the other, you will not have a balanced perspective of the person.  By giving time and enough incidents, you will be given a chance to learn about someone and let them share with you from their mouth what their heart is and from their actions what their purpose is.  You will be given the chance to see how their talk and their walk align.  

If there is all talk and no walk, then I would begin to question whether you are falling for the words or the man.

Stay true to what they show you.  Out of the mouth the heart speaks.  Out of the actions the true motive is expressed.

What ways have you found to observe someones talk and walk?

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Quotes

Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness…It is much better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt with. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred. If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This "ties" him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family (or friendship) you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free.

 - quote from Boundaries by Henry Cloud

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

we choose happiness

Happiness is a choice. 

It's always a choice, and nobody and nothing can take that choice away from us. 

It's not always easy, because sometimes life is hard and offers us tough challenges, and sometimes we have unconscious people in our life that do things that really hurt us... but even in those moments our choice remains.

We choose what we focus on.

We choose what we say to ourselves.

We choose how we act.

In those choices lie all of our power.

Never give that power away by giving someone else responsibility for your happiness.


-  Gerald Rogers

Monday, July 14, 2014

change to dating profile

After a month of getting to know Michael...this is the update that went on my online profile today:


************************************************************* ************************************************************
Currently am getting to know someone and won't be checking this site while spending concentrated effort on dating one guy. Thank YOU for understanding.
************************************************************* ************************************************************

Quotes

A person who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes, while everyone else believes the smile on your face.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Dating Lessons: Learning in Observation Mode

When you are getting to know someone that you have no connection with and you have no friends who have connections with this person and you know of nobody who knows this person, you in some ways are at a disadvantage for any inside resources to figure out what this person's character is like and get valuable feedback.  I believe it is still a doable situation, just like interviewing applicants for a job, you simply have to increase your scope of questions and observation and be willing to give ample time to situations and history to determine what they truly are like at their core.  You have to approach it knowing that there are added dimension of challenges in getting to know someone.  

So what are some ways I have done this?

In dating, if given the opportunity, meet some of their friends.  See how they interact with people they already have relationships with, people they feel comfortable with, people who are interested in the friendship and well being of the person you are getting to know.  Meet their boss/coworkers/employees and see how they communicate with them.  Do these work family respond in fear or admiration to this person?  How responsive are they to this person?  What messages does their body language display as they greet the person, as they carry on a conversation and have discussions?  Do they talk just about work or life too?  How do they part ways?  Meet some of the family.  See if they are affectionate with each other (for instance give each other hugs).  What do they talk about?  Is the communication loving and responsive, a give and take between both parties, with a genuine interest?  Are they talkative or do they run out of things to discuss?  Are they polite and mannerly, or rude and mean?  When you go out to eat, how does he treat the waiter or waitress?  Does he get angry in traffic?  What sort of things irritate him?  

All these situations give opportunity for you to interact and learn about someone.  These things are subtle ways to observe someone in action and tell about the type of character he has.  Don't think that you are being too observant.  The beginning of a relationship is critical to understanding the personality, beliefs, desires and challenges you will face if you decide to be in a relationship with this person.  You can not ignore the little things because they will be big things later.  

That being said, if a situation is not as you want it to be or you see signs of something that might be an issue, I say make a mental alert note of it and file it in the back of your mind and see if it happens a 2nd or 3rd time. If you see a pattern, then you potentially have something to be concerned about.  If it is a one time incident that doesn't repeat itself, then you probably are safe to say that you got to see that person at a moment when they were not their best but isn't a character flaw.  We all have these times and so I wouldn't rule someone out from one situation or observation, but I also wouldn't be afraid to rule someone out if the one time incident was a significant concern even if you don't see a pattern.  You have to use your best judgement and decipher if the situation needs grace and love or will be something that will negatively affect a relationship.  

I also say don't hesitate to ask questions if something presents itself that you are unsure about.  There is nothing wrong with saying, I saw how you responded to this and I want to know if this is the typical way you react or if you were just stressed in the moment.  Get that person to talk about themselves so you can learn what they think of their actions, what they view on their conduct, and how they react to you questioning them.  All these things give you insight into someones heart and whether the two of you will have the ability to be in a relationship.  If you can't figure out whether it is something you should be concerned about, in my experience, trust that it will show itself in some other form or fashion.  The truth cannot be hid.  Yes, I believe people can be deceitful and portray themselves in a way they are not, but if you are being very intentional about how you get to know this person, the fact of the matter is it will force other things to come to light.

Be observant.  Stay on your toes.  Don't give in to your feelings.  Think things through.  Discuss the situation with others to get their input.  Be open to seeing the truth.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Dating Lessons: Asking Questions

I am the Queen of Asking Questions.  

So I get told this often by clients, people I interview for positions either with my company or my clients companies, discussions I have with various contacts I make, vendors and strategic business partners I work with and do negotiations with, etc.  To me, it is a natural and normal thing to ask questions.  The only way you get information many times is to ask what isn't being said or doesn't appear to be obvious.  To inquire and obtain more information than what they put out on the cover.  To be able to get the full details of data that you need to make decisions appropriately.  To understand pieces to the puzzle that you can't figure out without more information.  I am used to doing this and many times am a part of special projects for clients because I am so effective at it.  I never knew how much of a unique characteristic this might be, until I have experienced more of the impact of my questioning recently through online dating.

But I guess for many people its hard.  Instead of learning to ask good questions, they just don't ask questions.  Or they don't like the responses that come from asking questions and the relationship challenges that come from that so they think it is easier to avoid it completely.

In order to be effective at dating, you have to know how to ask questions, in a way that isn't demanding.  Doesn't create an attitude of defensiveness.  Invites someone to open up and share to whatever degree they feel they can.  One that creates dialogue of ongoing communication.  In a manner that creates a connection.  

However, no matter your skill at asking questions, there is always more to learn about it.

In this 3 month experience I have had thus far in online dating, I have found some guys resent questions.  It doesn't matter how you ask them, they don't like them.  Some will just ask you back whatever questions you ask them.  Some just answer your questions without elaborating beyond the answer to your question.  Some don't ask you any questions.  Some guys absolutely love that you ask questions because it gives them something to talk about and helps them keep conversation going.  Some guys ask just as many questions as I ask.  Some guys are intrigued that you want to know all these things about them and love that you ask questions.

To me, I have found the basis of asking questions a critical part of the dating relationship.  It tells a lot about a person.  It tells information about how they think, what they think, the vocabulary they have with the words they choose, their body language and facial expressions (if you get to see this when you ask questions) in response to your questions, how much they are willing to be open and authentic in the response to the question, what information they are willing to share beyond what you asked, how much of a communicator they are, and more.  By asking questions, you learn a lot in a very short amount of time. 

In doing this process, it is very important for you to try to understand the personality style of the person you are asking the questions to if you want them to hear you.  You have to be in tune to them with a keen perception to break the ice and get past any barriers that they have or may have by your questions.  You have to assure them that no matter their response, you appreciate them being honest and open with you.  Your ability to not back down from your questions when its something you need to know, can be challenging and difficult, but is a requirement in order to build a connection.  Through all this questioning, you must be able to be loving in spite of their response or difficulty in communication.  This takes a skill.  

And this whole process is only improving my ability to be The Queen of Questions!

Monday, July 7, 2014

Sunday, July 6, 2014

psalm 119:45

I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.
- Psalm 119:45, [NLT]

Friday, July 4, 2014

6th Date

Michael, lives in Las Vegas (has lived there his whole life) and works in HVAC.  We have been communicating for a few weeks and felt we needed to meet each other to see if the connection and interest we have had experienced in our interaction to date we had would have when in person.  He flew me out to see him and spend 3 days getting to know him.  We enjoyed 4th of July Fireworks, bible study devotional on Saturday Morning, breakfast with his realtor, some time out on Lake Mead in his boat, sushi, movies, praying, running some errands, a bunch of talking, and just enjoying spending time together getting to know each other.  He is 44, was married 17 years, has a 28 year old daughter that lives in California, a 10 year old daughter and 9 year old son that he has 50% of the time.  Our time together was amazing.  We plan to spend more time getting to know each other and efforts at making a long distance relationship work.


Misty & Michael

Quotes

Your path is beautiful and crooked and just as it should be.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Quotes

Dear God, I want...

Dear God,

I never dreamed I would come to the day when I would sit and bare my heart like this and ask you for something, but I am.  

...and I am doing so in a public forum as a declaration of my faith in you.  

I know you already know.  And I know you know what is best for me.  But I am still going to ask.  Because you state you want us to ask of you.

You see, today, exactly 20 years ago, was a hard day for me.  A very, very, very hard day for me.  It was a day that wrecked havoc on my world in such utter complete destroying emotional, mental and physical destruction to such a degree that I never thought I would ever remotely want a man in my world.  It was a day that abuse turned into more abuse, which was a nightmare that lasted 3 1/2 years.  

Until I said enough.  I am done!  Goodbye.  And didn't look back...

But as you have lovingly worked in my heart and mind, especially the last two years of my courageous journey, you have done an amazing work in which has revealed lots of things to me about learning to love me and accepting love.  In facing my fears, tearing down walls, fighting lies, searching for truth, and pushing through in faith, I have come to the place that I want this.  I want this thing I never thought I would want.

So today, I request of you to help me and to provide this for me.

I want to ask you to please send me a man that you believe is the best fit for me my way.  I don't want to go find him because I believe you can and will provide.  I believe that I don't have to do "all the work", you can and you will.  You are a loving Father who loves me more than anyone and who wants to provide every good and perfect gift for me.  At the same time, if this is what you ask of me, I want to do what you ask me to do and locate him.  I ask that you lead and guide me to know how to do this because its been in some ways a difficult and painful process to launch out into this dating world.  But I also know that it has been a necessary process of growth in my journey.  To be vulnerable and conquer these fears.  Though I have grown immensely in this short time of opening myself up in such an amazing and bold authentic way, by tearing down walls built so incredibly high and thick to keep men out, by questioning everything I was ever told as the right and wrong way to date, re-evaluating the kind of man I "need/want", destroying the very foundation of lies I have believed for far too long about me and my worthiness of love and a relationship, facing the opposition from those who don't agree with what I am doing, focusing on the communication skills that I am sharpening, developing a deeper understanding of men and woman, amazed at the in depth learning I am getting about myself, the beliefs I am confirming are true and right, and the change in me that I have experienced since starting this process...I come to a place where I know what I want.

I want a man, a handsome man that loves you with his whole heart and will put you first before all else.  I want a man that has gorgeous eyes, an engaging smile, strong shoulders to lean against!  I want him to be taller than me [or at least my height when I am in heels] and who will hold me in his arms forever, will kiss me until the sun rises, who will teach me to dance and let me know I am the one and only in his life.  I have so many characteristics of what I consider a handsome man, but I know that a heart of gold, love and compassion is the best.  I want a man who will enjoy doing fun things on my bucket list that I have never had a chance to experience, completely understanding the zone I come from, not condemning me for my lack of experience or education, but teaching me every little thing I want to know, gently.  I want a man who loves things I love, like sushi, dancing, music, wine and entertaining friends.  I want a man that understands I have baggage but is willing to help me unpack it and heal through it because he knows he is only one of many tools that can heal that wound completely.  I want a man that respects me for being the strong woman of faith I am, who doesn't see me as a threatening or intimidating personality, but as one who has strong character and who has lived a life of courage and wants to inspire him to do the same.  A man that only you God know who and if I need.

I want him Lord.

But you are the God of my world and you come first!  I know that just because right now I feel that this is what I want, I know deeply that I have a great life and am absolutely content and happy being single.  Therefore I ask that you guide me in this.

Love Your Courageous, Generous, Loving Daughter who is LivingInTruth, Gratitude, Strength, and Faith, 

courageouschic

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Quotes

The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Dating Lessons: Is talking on the phone so important?

I have been sharing with you my journey into the world of dating.  Last month I wrote a bunch of posts on Dating Questions.  These questions were ones that started as soon as I began the process, but I didn't write about until I felt comfortable sharing them on my blog, some time later.   I spent a lot of time writing these posts and scheduled them throughout the month though they were written as I was working through them in my own heart and mind.

This month, I have decided to write posts on Dating Lessons.  Sharing some things I have learned either about me, men or the dating scene itself.  Please know:  My lessons may not be the same as yours.  My views may not be the same as yours.  It's my journey and I am grateful for every aspect of it.  You are welcome to agree or disagree and either way, it will be ongoing dialogue in my journey that will be perfect.

In getting to know various guys through emails, texts, phone calls and dates, I have experienced various preferences.  In being accepting of these, I have found that sometimes it was hard for me to understand why certain things were a preference, but I always have approached the viewpoint that I would appreciate the interaction, endeavor to learn to understand, let the person be who they were - not trying to change them, and apply whatever I could to my own life from the relationship and interaction. 

At times I ran into conflict in this.  

I found myself trying to believe that what I wanted or needed wasn't important and that I needed to adapt to their way of thinking.  I found myself shutting down my desires to be good enough and develop a friendship and get to know them.  I found myself ignoring my viewpoint in trying to be "so accepting" of them to not cause them to think I was demanding at wanting or needing something they didn't want to give.  In doing this, I found myself feeling like I didn't matter though.  This hurt.  As I worked through addressing why it hurt, I found that my boundary and expectation of myself was out of line.  It needed adjustment.  

Phone calls was one of these types of conflicts for me.

Communication via email is great!  That means that you can write your thoughts out on paper and share them.  A guy who can write his thoughts down and will take the time to do so shows that he is willing to put in effort where it matters.  

Communication via text is also pretty awesome!  It means you will take time out of your day to share some thoughts and communicate.  You can keep it short and sweet or long and engaging.  But in general, it is easy for most people to text in today's world.  It takes little thought, little planning, little engaging, and can be done right now.

Communication via the phone is more personable!  It means that I get to hear your voice.  I get to see how dialogue transpires.  I get to hear your passion, feeling, emotion, thoughts and manners verbally.  It is a dynamic that tells a lot about you as a person.  From the words you choose, the topics you talk about, the questions you ask, the way you convey everything, how you begin and end a conversation, the length of time you want to spend talking, whether you schedule the call or call out of the blue, etc.  It is very revealing about you.  Because you are unique and your personality will show through.

Phone Calls I have learned are a very important and dynamic part of the relationship in getting to know each other.  I have decided it is not something that can be left out.  It is not something I am "demanding" to have, it is a requirement of a relationship with me.  I am not going to put down my feelings and deny that this is not important and just accept your response of "I just don't like to talk on the phone" as a reason to why we don't.  I am going to express that I want to talk to you on the phone and if you don't make an effort to do so after hearing it is something I want to be a part of the relationship I will understand that my wants don't matter to you.  But to ignore it as a need or want and give in to you, that I won't do.  It is important.  Very important.  And I won't be in another relationship where it is sacrificed.  

The reality of this came to me the last few weeks as I worked through my feelings on this and I experienced guys willing to have conversation, very long conversations, very thorough conversations and the results of that time spent in getting to know each other.

There is nothing wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone and to desire this wasn't out of line.  There is nothing wrong with expressing what you want out of a relationship.  There is nothing wrong with adapting to someone when it is something that can be adapted or adjusted to and doesn't compromise a feeling or need you have.  There is nothing wrong with accepting someone in their zone but appreciating yours too.  Relationships are give and take.  They require both parties to be willing to be adaptive and adjust as necessary but have full ability to be who they are.

Talking on the phone is very important part of the dating relationship.  Don't doubt yourself.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Quotes

To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
- Tony Dorsett, American Football Player