I went on my very first ever date March 30th, 2014. It was an amazing 11 hour experience. The encounter was not something I saw coming and the relationship didn't last, but I believe it was used by God to get me moving into an area I need in my life and for me to be open to receiving love, something I have kept out of my world for many reasons.
In working with my coach through some personal issues, triggers and flashbacks for me, he encouraged me to do online dating. I resisted. I haven't heard good things about this. I wasn't sure I have changed in the fact that I am content and happy being single and didn't know if I really even wanted a man. He encouraged me to break down my walls and to learn to enjoy having men as guy friends and to be relaxed in the experience of going out on a date, not feeling pressure or stressed that this has to turn into a guy I will marry, to create new beliefs about men and dating, to be open to receiving love, and to break down lies about guys.
Today, I took his advice and created an account on Christian Mingle and Tinder (an app). I have decided if I do not like the process and it doesn't bring the results I am trying to achieve in my life (whatever those are as I feel that is still being defined), I can quit. I am not obligated to this.
I have been single for 37 years. I am used to living alone. I, infact, actually like my quiet time. Really like my quiet time. Yes, I love having friends in my world and being part of them, but I also feed off of quiet alone time, more than is obvious to some people and contradictory to some people who think I am a complete extrovert. I am not. I have mastered skills of relationships very well and enjoy connecting with people, but without my quiet time, I become frazzled and my mood seriously suffers.
By opening myself up to the dating scene, I want to make it very clear: I am not desperate or in a hurry to find a man or should I say, my man.
I want to learn more about me. I want to want to learn more about men. I want to get comfortable being alone with a man. I want to find guys that I can be friends with, hopefully that is possible. I want to understand men better. I want live down my fears. I want to work through the trash that comes up from interacting with men. I want to create a new belief about men. I want to heal.
...and then, I may just want to find someone to love to pieces after I do this work in me.
