another update on Terry

I came home from the hospital knowing I had things to do and get done in the roughly two hour time frame until I would return back up there, but to be honest, I was exhausted, emotionally drained and ready to just break down and cry.  I sent the update out for the day by email, and then decided to put my cell phone on silent and crawl under the covers and take a 30minute nap, which I exactly did...and am so glad I did.  I got some food at Panda Express on my way to the hospital. I got there right before 7pm, but they would not let me take it in with me.  I ate a bit and then stuffed it in the locker with the rest of my things and went in to see Terry.  He had showered and had clean clothes on that Jeff had brought to him earlier when we were there.  He was tired and a bit withdrawn.  He said he was dealing with hallucinations and they had to give him a shot a little bit before I got there.  I think that was making him a bit more tired so he drank lots of water to help clear his brain.  We visited, some small talk and some serious.  He wasn't opening up too much.  Mom called to talk to Terry while I was talking to him and he took the call but didn't talk long.  While he was gone, one of the ladies that is in there as a patient stopped and told me she hoped he would make it. I warmly told her that I hoped so too.  She told me he had beat her at a game of checkers and that gave me the idea that when he came back maybe we could play that since he wasn't talking too much.  He had told me I could go since he was tired and Uncle Tom hadnt come, but I told him no, I was going to stay until the session ended unless Uncle Tom came then I would leave.  Well, he brightened up at the thought of playing a game of checkers, so we did.  He beat me at our first game and we were not far into our second when Uncle Tom arrived about 7:45pm.  We moved from the community room where the checkers were to the spot we have been sitting and visiting in.  In some ways, this whole process reminds me of a prison.  Anyways, Uncle Tom shared some thoughts and recommendations to Terry regarding my parents, his life as a child and what he wants to see for him now.  While we were talking Uncle Tom mentioned Jeff was out in the hall waiting.  Terry got a surprised look on his face and said "Again?" and had tears in his eyes.  I left at 8pm so that Jeff could have the last 15minutes with him with Uncle Tom.  I got to the baby shower for Tracy's "two peas in a pod" late but felt I should spend the time with Terry that they allow us since its such a narrow window.

This process has been an emotional rollercoaster.  How to help someone who sees things many times really clearly, then can turn and be so cold and firm in a decision is amazing...yet difficult in so many ways!  Please continue to pray that I will know how to be supportive and helpful in the roll as his sister, friend and fellow christian.

another update on Terry

I attended family counseling today at 3pm at the hospital with the therapist, Jeff and Terry.  Jeff arrived as quickly as he could after getting stopped by the police for them misreading his inspection sticker with it being current and him not thinking it was and then the train delayed him even more in Crowley.  It was an hour long session.  When you have no watch to keep track of the time and no clock in the room, its really hard to know if you are on track with time or not.  The therapist asked Terry questions, us questions, things were discussed & referenced to his childhood, what brought him to Texas, what he has done since he has been here and what his plans are from here.  Terry was pretty much in the same mood he was last night: calm, talkative enough to carry on a conversation, but still determined that he doesn't want to live and his life has a bleek outlook.  The therapist said she believes he is being honest and not hiding anything.  She believes it will be his choice, but with this being his 6th attempt at suicide she is not sure we can change his attitude in how it is bent.  She said we are doing all we can other than to be with him 100% of the time, which she said is not really possible and still will not prevent this happening again.  She didn't have any recommendations to us at this time other than to keep doing what we know to do and are doing.  She said she can tell he has a great support system and believes we need to keep praying.  She said no matter the outcome, we can not feel guilty for his choices.  In ways it was  good time, and in other ways sad, as it confirms what we have felt was the simple truth, Terry doesn't want to be here on earth.  After counseling, I left as Russell was there to visit Terry and he had a few minutes with him.  Warren also came and had some time with Terry.  Jeff came out and so I went back it, but it was right at the time they were saying that visiting hurs were over.  Our paperwork said it was 4 - 5pm, but its really only 4 - 4.45pm...it was wrong the nurse told me.  So I told Terry goodbye and that I would plan then to come up at 7pm and see him again since I didn't visit with him other than in the counseling session.

I have 6 followers on my blog now!!!

you probably think me crazy...but its okay, I probably am!  I have six friends following me on my blog now.  Yah, I am way behind some of my other blogging friends both in the number of friends/followers I have, lets not mention all the many other aspects of my blog that are lacking, even though I have been blogging a really long time, even longer than some of them newbies, but I guess they have had time to figure out all the cool ways to get your friends to follow you, probably have way better, awesome, great intriguing and interesting posts, plus they enjoy keeping up with the latest blog information and know things about MckLinky and what not that I don't...maybe someday I will have that kind of time, for now, I count my blessings...I have two more new friends!