I would have lost heart...again...

I would have lost heart...when my parents told me I was never welcome back in their home...unless I believed that I could have a better life for myself, one full of love, peace, harmony, joy, and happiness - the abundant life that God has given me, and to walk away after 20 years of abuse wasn't wrong.

I would have lost heart...when I shared how to have gratitude in the moment through painful experiences on a VLOG in November 2016 [something I truly believe in and live every single day], yet it offended one of my examples, though they never listened to the video and simply took the words of someone else that I was "talking about them", got offended and cut me out of their life completely and haven't made any effort to resolve this in the last 2 months [and yes, I have reached out multiple times]...unless I believed that real authentic loving relationships will talk through all conflict, will desire to be kind even when hurt, will work through the pain and restore healing, will be willing to love in the method and manner they wish to be loved, and when they can't or don't respond right - they will still be willing to forgive and try again because this is what God asks of us.

I would have lost heart...when I spent money I shouldn't have spent, bought things I didn't need, put my hope in things instead of relationships because of the emotional pain they caused me, made things a status of success because I was taught this was important, and ended up with $26k in Credit Card debt...unless I believed that I could do the hard work to change and become debt free with discipline and a budget.

I would have lost heart...when a girlfriend didn't agree with my method of dating, felt I was in the wrong relationship, believed I was making bad choices...unless I believed that God would guide me and direct me on how to walk my own path with the input of many individuals, not just the opinion of one person trying to make me live life her way.

I would have lost heart...when I was told by a Girlfriend [who had never met my Mother and only knew her through the things I had shared] that I was just like my Mother...unless I new the truth about myself, believed that I had the power to be different through learning from others, studying relationships, choosing to keep the good things and letting go of the bad, praying for direction, practicing different ways of living, remembering the things I didn't like and choosing to be different.

I would have lost heart...when clients went weeks and months not making payments for services I rendered...unless I learned the lesson that as along as I accepted that behavior and didn't talk through and create new boundaries and stick to the terms in my contract that there was a late fee if they didn't pay in 10 days, I would continue to have to accept being treated this way.

I would have lost heart...when life got messy, ugly things happened, hurtful things were said, chaos unraveled, people walked out of my life, finances got tight, health issues continued, many nights I couldn't sleep, and life consumed my heart and mind.

...unless.

Unless, I looked to Jesus!

Unless I asked Jesus:
- to help me through the dark moments
- to take my anxiety
- to bare my troubles on His shoulders
- to give me grace
- to help me sort through my pain, my hurt, my confusion
- to renew my lack of hope
- to help me see the good in these situations and to grow from it
- to lift my depression
- to resolve my frustration
- to give me clarity and wisdom to know how to fix my mistakes
- to show me how to love deeper, more fully, and openly when that was the last thing that seemed possible in these things...

Yesssssss...because of Jesus...

...I would have despaired and lost heart, unless I had not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord! ~ Psalm 27:13 AMP
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