One of the nuggets that became a key takeaway for me occurred on the 2nd day with Tony after my question to him on "You told us to examine without shame. How do you examine without shame?"
{You can read the full post and my interaction with Tony here.}
As I worked with Tony and committed to playing a Level 10 and engaging in this process,
He asked me to list what characteristics would be part of my new belief system. This is what I listed:
- I am Courageous!
- I am Good Enough!
- I am Loved!
- I Matter!
- I am Worthy!
- I am Successful!
In this exercise, he said, did you say, "I am Beautiful?" I said, "No, I didn't." He went on talking and said again, "I am beautiful was one of your statements, right?" I said "No, but if you want to use it for your example, that's fine." He talked more and then said, "You are Beautiful." Say it. I struggled to say it. It was at that moment I realized just how keen he was into the soul and belief system I had. He then said, "If I am Beautiful wasn't one of your statements, it should be. You are."
I felt like he had looked deep into my heart and found one of my secrets. I felt he had shaken me. You don't have to tell me something 3 times. Or maybe you do. Tony did. But I got it!!! I might have been oblivious, hiding, stubborn, blind, fighting but I wasn't so entrenched in my ways not to clue into his work with me, his message, his intentions. I woke up and listened. I took it to heart. He saw something and was trying to get it across to me. He was helping me to see what I was blind to seeing myself. I am beautiful. But for reasons I didn't realize, I didn't believe it and I was fighting it. I never dreamed this was my reality, but it was. It is.
As I have worked through the extreme nuggets of this time and thought about my life, my experiences, my triggers, my negative belief system I have found some amazing results.
You see, being pretty never was an advantage for me. It was always used as a comparison between me and my sister. It was used as leverage to get results. It was used as competition. It was used to create strife.
Misty is the pretty one, but Mindy is the one everyone likes. Misty is the smart one, but Mindy is the one that can make the best breads and pastries. Misty is the pretty one, but Mindy has the best smile. Misty is the pretty one, but Mindy is the one with the awesome personality. Misty is the sick one, but Mindy is not. Misty is the one with the pretty porcelain doll skin, just like Granma, but Mindy is not. Misty vs Mindy and the games of comparison that created inferiority complex was a continuous process.
I wished desperately I wasn't pretty. I felt that I would have achieved more if I hadn't have been pretty. It made me regret that I was considered pretty. Being pretty didn't get me anywhere. If I could change it, I would.
But it didn't stop there. I dug deeper.
The fact that my dad never said I was pretty, never said I was his beautiful daughter, never wanted me all made me feel I really wasn't beautiful. If your own Father doesn't think you are pretty how can anyone else?
But it didn't stop there. I dug deeper.
When I faced the trauma at 17 with a 45 year old man invading my world, my life got turned upside down. I was told by my Mom that I was no longer her beautiful, sweet, innocent firstborn daughter. My baby pictures were ripped in half in front of my face. I was told I was no longer pretty and I was no longer allowed to have my pretty clothes (among other things). I was no longer considered the firstborn of the family, any and all family decisions from here on out would be made by my sister and brother. I had forfeited my birthright. I was given a new name, the beautiful name of Misty was no longer my name, I had an ugly name because I was now considered ugly. The rest of these awful things will be saved for my book, but I have listed a few for you to see why I don't feel beautiful.
Any beauty I might have felt I had was stripped from me. It no longer existed. Let alone what that experience did to me in and of itself.
But it didn't stop there. I dug deeper.
I have had 6 guys through The Assembly show me interest. Every one of them approached me with the "You are beautiful and I am going to marry you." or..."You don't know it, but you are going to marry me." and...I received a dozen red roses with a message "I can't stop thinking about you" but didn't sign the card and never told me before the arrival of the roses that they wanted to get to know me better. None of these relationship ever got very far, and the longest one was 3 months. They were relationships that I felt compelled to accept with guys who didn't know how to love or approach a girl who they found attractive in a way that reciprocated those feelings. These relationships were not built on getting to know me, they only looked at the outside and this made me resent further being pretty. I wanted them to see me. The true real me. And when they learned that there was a very high chance I would never be able to be a mother they retracted their interest. They were no longer convinced I was the "one for them". This hurt. The fear of being wanted for who I was not vs who I was was now confirmed. I wasn't loved.
But it didn't stop there. I dug deeper.
I was a manager of a three location healthcare facility and had another manager I worked directly with at the location where I worked made continual advances towards me. He made inappropriate comments. He made inappropriate body gestures. Made me feel like I was standing in front of him with no clothes on. The sexual harassment continued on such a level that I had to report him to the owner. This made the working relationship difficult even though I was told that my name would not be mentioned. It became obvious it had been. I felt like scum. I felt shame for being in this position. I felt violated. Again.
I have hated being pretty. Really hated it. Being pretty wasn't good enough. It didn't bring me anything that mattered. It only brought pain. It only hurt. I hated being beautiful. Beauty was only a manipulative tool. It wasn't something I could control and I didn't want it.
Hence I have ignored that I am. I have not cared if you thought I was. I have tried to create other qualities that you would notice so that beauty wasn't the focus. I have believed I really wasn't or someone would truly love me and want me.
However, after this deep work inside, sorting out my belief systems around being pretty and beautiful, I have realized Tony was right. I have been believing lies. Hard core lies for 37 years.
- I am not going to let a Dad who told me I wasn't wanted, never wanted, who never told me I was pretty, and never appreciate his little girl be the definition of the truth that I am beautiful.
- I am not going to let a Mom who used her first daughter against her second daughter over characteristics neither of them could control ruin the fact that I am beautiful.
- I am not going to let one man who made me feel like I wasn't beautiful and all the other guys who have attempted to use this card to get access into my world be the reason, or any other man who hits on me determine the way I view myself and what beauty means.
- I am not going to believe that because I am single that this means I am not wanted and I am not beautiful.
- I am going to believe the truth and make it the foundation of my belief system...I am Beautiful.
I am Beautiful! Inside and Out. Absolutely beautiful. A princess of the King. A Daughter of the One True God. I will believe it!
My list has changed. I will keep reading it and tweaking it until I have it as it should be. It now reads:
- I am Courageous!
- I am Good Enough!
- I am Loved!
- I Matter!
- I am Worthy!
- I am Successful!
- I am Wanted!
- I am Beautiful!
And you are beautiful too my Friend! Believe it. #LiveBIG
