I gave a testimony yesterday at the September Camp. I have never given one like this before, but I have had several things on my heart and felt that it was time to share. I will share it with you, my Courageous Journey blog followers.
I have had a very tough time the last year (truly a year and seven months to be exact) and though I try to be superwoman, don't want to admit that I can't do it, and do my best to outwardly show that I am fine, I inwardly have been having a challenge beyond words. I openly shared this. I went on to state that most people don't know what went on in the first 20 years of my life, Jeff did not learn of much of my life until I had been here for 7 years. When I moved here to Burleson, Texas September 1997, I was told by my parents that I was never welcome back in their home and that I would die within 2 years. Though people mean well when they ask how I am doing, they have no clue how I desperately do not want to answer that question. My mom was a hypochondriac and everything was about her and her sickness. I made it clear and informed everyone that I DO NOT WANT to be like my mom. In any form or fashion. Not at all! But at the same time I am having health challenges that are affecting my everyday life and I am exhausted, my mustard seed is crushed, I am discouraged and don't know how much more of this I can take. I am aware that many don't understand. I have tried to explain, but the depth of what I am facing is not understood. I don't fit the box that everyone is supposed to fit into. I am told I am too intense, too bold, too aggressive. However, in my heart, I want to serve the Lord and be the woman He wants me to be in spite of the opinions others have about me. It hurts beyond words when people who you have associated with all your life only come and ask you how you are doing when they see you on Sunday's. People have whispered about me, said things behind my back: "We don't know how she is doing, we don't see her very much." Yet, nobody has taken the time to come sit on my couch and learn what is going on in my world. I understand that many times people who are struggling, pull away and their lack of attendance can mean that they are no longer interested in this group of Christian's. That is not where I am. I love these people, I just can't physically do it.
I know I need more faith. I know that when my hope is placed where it should be, I have an anchor for my soul that is firm and secure [Hebrews 6:19]. When it isn't, my hope is out of balance. When my hope is in the right place, I have the peace and joy He wants me to have [Romans 15:13] because I am trusting Him. I know the Lord has done much for me in my life and He will do it again. I need more faith.
I requested prayers. I need the prayers. I don't have the wisdom for many of the decisions I am having to make. I don't understand God's plan for my life right now. I don't have the strength to face the challenges that keep throwing me up against a brick wall. I am exhausted!!!
I thanked two people very involved in my life for their love and support and continued input in my life. I need them!
I also went on to say that I didn't know want people to come up and praise me for where I have been in my life. The only reason I am where I am today is because of the Lord Jesus Christ working in my life. Because He has forgiven my sins and given me a new life, another chance, an opportunity to sort through my baggage and serve Him. If you can't come to me at other times, don't come to me now that I am pleading for your prayers. Please don't.
I have learned what it is like to have a relationship with Him and not have to cross every i and dot every t [yes, that is backwards - I wrote it that way on purpose]. Through my situation, I am learning that everything is not as you might see it with your eye. There is much more going on behind the scenes then you know. I want to let my own situation motivate and grow me as the Lord wants. I want to have more compassion and love for others in their difficult times. I want to encourage others when I may not understand what is going on in their world. I want to be an encourager.
I have many blessings...I am working on another post in which I will list many of the things I consider my top blessings. But in the meantime, will you pray for me? Pray that I have Wisdom? Courage? Patience? Faith? and that the challenges and trials I am facing will only make me a better shinning light for Him!