Happy New Year [2013]

HAPPY NEW YEAR
to all my friends, family, relatives, clients, and woman's bible study group!

May 2013 be a year of growing further in the grace and knowledge
of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Quotes

Out of intense complexities intense simplicities emerge. - Winston Churchill

knitted baby blanket for Townes

Oatmeal Baby Blanket for Townes
[mother, Amanda, is in my bible study, daughter of Jim & Miki that I spent Thanksgiving 2012 with]

Closeup of Oatmeal Baby Blanket for Townes

Quotes

Live in the moment, God has a plan for your now. - Gwen Smith

romans 12:9-13

A week ago I got a new bible, it is called The Voice.  I have been reading some of my favorite passages in it and reflecting on the verbiage as it expounds on things in a different way then the wording in the other translations I use [New King James, Gods Word and Today's New Living Translation] and that I am used to.  

Romans 12:9 
Love others well, and don't hide behind a mask; love authentically.  Despise evil; pursue what is good as if your life depends on it. 

v10 Live in true devotion to one another, loving each other as sisters and brothers.  Be first to honor others by putting them first.

v11 Do not slack in your faithfulness and hard work.  Let your spirit be on fire, bubbling up and boiling over as you serve the Lord.

v12 Do not forget to rejoice, for hope is always around the corner.  Hold up through the hard times that are coming, and devote yourselves to prayer.

v13 Share what you have with the saints, so they lack nothing; take every opportunity to open your life and home to others.

The lines that stuck out to me the most that I have been doing reflecting on are: 
Love others well, and don't hide behind a mask; love authentically.  
Wow.  Love well.  What does that mean?  To do something well usually means with excellence, great skill, thoroughly.  What does that mean to not hide behind a mask?  Another wards be real, don't hide your identity, or have a pretense.  So in a nutshell:  Be real in your love and love thoroughly.  
Let your spirit be on fire, bubbling up and boiling over as you serve the Lord.  
What does that mean?  Be on fire, bubbling up and boiling over?  Fire is light and warmth.  To bubble up and boil over I take that to mean overflow or burst forth, unable to repress, with full force.  So in a nutshell:  In a spirit of light and warmth burst forth and overflow as you serve the Lord.

[if you are interested in more information on this version, visit www.hearthevoice.com]

serve Him

the [freezing] cold weather has come to TEXAS!

For reals.  The freezing cold weather has come!  I have been anxious for it to arrive so that my allergies would dissipate for a spell and it finally has come to visit!  Its burry cold outside!!!  11* today after the wind chill factor.  We got some snow flakes yesterday, but not enough to totally cover the ground, just a light dusting.  Maybe it won't be in the 70s by the weekend?  Awwwh, don't hold your breath, you forget, its Texas!

dealing with mistreatment

Each of us face times where we have been mistreated and hurt.  Sometimes these incidents are by people we absolutely love, whom we consider very close friends, people we have spent lots of time with and think the world of.  

The hurt in these situations can be grievous beyond words.  It can depress you.  Cause pain that nearly makes you physically sick.  It many times takes the life right out of you and make you feel like you can't breath, totally suffocating without any replenishment of air.  It can cause you to loose focus and faith in your friendship.  It can cause you to question the foundation of your friendship and the authentic love previously expressed by this person.  It can cause you to doubt the very existence of your friendship.  It can cause you to not trust that God will work it for good even though they mean it for evil.  

I have been through times of like this before with friends and am facing it again, but this time with people who have been role models to me, people who have been there for me in very difficult times of my life, people who I thought loved [me] unconditionally.  People who have been Johnny's in my life [from the movie Seven Days in Utopia - which I will share more thoughts on at another time].  

It has been several weeks and the pain is not letting up.  The ongoing fakeness in a relationship that used to be totally real and open is making it hard to not just scream out, "Why are you doing this to me?".  The fact that I bore my heart out in an email trying to make amends and clear up a matter only to have it be ignored and not to receive any response, grieves my soul.  Even if the email could not have been accepted, even if there still is a difference of opinion, could it not be acknowledged?  The fact that I continue to try to have normal correspondence and interaction of a relationship as if this issue doesn't exist or has been resolved when it clearly hasn't, is in itself truly exhausting.  The communication lacks the exhuberation back and doesn't contain the typical generous loving thoughts expressed in a prompt reply, many times with excuses as to why no response was given, if any response at all, and only continues to show me that the relationship I thought I had because I was loved and cared for, truly was/is only really one based off of contingencies.  This is in a nutshell is what hurts the most.  

Now I question, is this what all my friendships and relationships that I have known are or will be like at some point?  Do people really not know how to love as God asks us to love?  Love as He loves us.  Clearly, this relationship doesn't exist now that we don't see a situation on the same page and now that that person has been hurt won't accept my side of the story.  The deeper hurt even beyond this is the fact that it is with someone I never dreamed I would be facing this type of situation with and therefore it is doubly hurtful.  I thought I was loved for being me.

I have asked other close friends to pray for me, to help me be understanding, to pray that I will continue to be loving as God wants me to be to them in spite of how I have been treated and the daily slap in the face this is to me.  I have shared that my hurt is deep and it makes me want to run, run away quickly.  It makes me want to close my heart and shut out friendships because of the pain they always bring.  The pain is simply gut wrenching.  But I know deep down, none of these feelings are feelings God wants me to have.  I won't tell you for one second that I have it all figured out.  I won't tell you that I don't shed tears in my pillow as I work through the pain.  But I will tell you this, God still loves me and He still cares for me even if this persons love is obviously conditional.  He is with me in this pain.  

I will tell you clearly that I don't want conditional friendships.  I don't want to have to constantly be approved of to have your love and friendship.  If that's the way it works with you, I don't want your friendship.  I lived in that box for 20 years and never got that approval and love from my parents because of the conditions that were always placed on it.  I have spent the last 15 years trying to understand and play those games in fellowship with a group of Christians that love you if you meet the spoken and unspoken criteria, check off all the boxes, give in all the ways deemed appropriate, say and do all the "right things", and attend every function...then and only then will you be approved of.  The minute you don't keep up this agenda, you step out away from the "rules", then you are questioned, your motives are not deemed pure, you are condemned for making decisions contrary to the mainstream thinking, you are treated coldly because you don't come "regularly", and you are suddenly considered to be struggling and potentially going off the deep end.  

Is this how God wants us to be with each other?  No, he wants us to LOVE out of a pure heart, not one with motives or an agenda.  Is this how God treats us, conditionally?  No, He loves you no matter what you have done or will do because it is already all paid for.  You can't outdo God.  He does not condemn you if you don't read your bible 7 times a day and he won't be cold when he see's you if you didn't.  Will God question your motives if you don't give so much of your time, energy, money, and other resources?  No, He honored the woman who gave all she had, which was not very much, but it was all.  Please don't mistake me, we need principals and guidelines, but is the basis of them for approval and judgement, or because it is out of love?

I want to learn what loving unconditionally is [I don't believe I was taught this and I believe it is something you learn to do when you understand what God's love is] and I want to show that love to everyone I come in contact with [because I want to be a light for Him].

I pray that I can grow in more grace and knowledge of God and His Love.  I pray that I can set aside my hurt and continue to Love.

Quotes

Want a real faith community? Find the people who submit to a judge, not a jury. God won't be asking your friend's opinion about you.
- Donald Miller

song ~ remind me who I am

Remind Me Who I Am
by Jason Gray

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You, whoa.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.
To You.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

joshua 1:9

be a voice, not an echo

song ~ the proof of your love

The Proof Of Your Love
for King and Country

If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breathe with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say
(Chorus)


CHORUS:
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You're made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love


If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me
(Chorus)

Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it's all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains
(Chorus)

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 
(1 Corinthians 13:1-7, The Message)
(Chorus)

Insurance denied 1st Appeal

Insurance Appeal denied. Working on Level 2 Appeal for reconsideration. Prayers that I can have the words to write that will convey the important items and not just frustration. 

jeremiah 32:17

nothing is too hard for me
-Jeremiah 32:17

Quotes

It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.
 - Vince Lombardi

Quotes

Everything can change in the blink of an eye, 
But don't worry; God never blinks.

Dear Dad

I received a letter from my dad last month [you can read that post here], and this is the response I sent to him today.

December 15, 2012

Dear Dad,

I have received your letter.  I want to thank you for taking the time to write me a note and to share your thoughts as I am sure that was hard to do.  I wanted to write and let you know that I accept your apology and request for forgiveness. 

There are many reasons why I left home, some of them you mentioned in your letter, many things that transpired in my childhood caused grief and heartache.  We both know that there is nothing that can be done to change the past however our Lord Jesus Christ has covered ALL our sins and will bring peace to our hearts and minds when we let confess them to Him, understand all that He has done for us, and allow Him to lead our path as we seek to live for Him and are empowered by His love, grace and forgiveness. 

Since leaving home, I have had lessons to learn, heartache to work through, struggles to overcome, and truth to understand.  Through it all, my relationship with our God has deepened, I have come to know and understand the one who lives in me, died for me and wants the very best for me in spite of any difficulties, pain and sorrow experienced.  The Lord knows everything I experienced and understands more than I could ask!  He is with me in my journey and is my source of strength to do all things through Him.  I can look back on the last 15 years and see the results and how I have grown and I pray that I only continue to grow in His grace, knowledge and share His love.  I ultimately want a life of love, happiness, peace, forgiveness, and harmony as I endeavor to live a quiet and peaceful life bringing honor and glory to God.

I pray that you may come to a place of peace with regards to your life and your part in our lives and put the past behind you so that you may press on to live a life full of abundance in His blessings!

I will always be your Daughter, with Love,

Misty

decision made

This has been a tough week for me. However, I have decided it is time to write a very difficult letter to a client...defining terms of a continued relationship: 

"We will continue a working relationship with you if you are willing to be respectful, professional, communicate timely and be willing to abide by all rules and regulations set forth by the State and Federal entities". 
[I wrote a two page letter, but this is the most important paragraph.]  

If not agreed to, we will part ways. I do not believe this will be adhered to by the actions that have been displayed for the last two years.  I also made it clear that if this is agreed to and violated at a future date, the services will terminate immediately.  I didn't attend EntreLeadership Master Series by Dave Ramsey in November 2009 to forget all that I learned!!!

psalm 61:2

sadness over the situation in Newton CT

My heart was already heavy this morning with other thoughts...the fact that people think its okay to take their anger out on others and punish others for their unhappiness, frustration, disappointments, grief, is truly very selfish! May those facing this horrific experience be comforted by God and others who can show love.

is it a lack of trust?

Do you ever wonder if you are making a decision simply out of fear?  Or if the lack of making a decision is based off how you see or don't see things?  Or a lack of trust in God that He will provide?  He will answer?  He will guide?  He will direct your path?

I am learning that I don't always know the answer to this.  

Sometimes I don't "feel" afraid.  Sometimes I don't "feel" that I am not trusting.  Sometimes I clearly don't know what the decision should be and feel it could go either way and God will support me.  But yet when an answer is not clear and doesn't seem to come, it makes me wonder.  Am I afraid?  Am I not trusting?  This I am learning though, I can still pray:  Lord if I have fear, please help me to have courage...if I am not trusting, let me believe and have faith in You!...God please help me know what is your excellent way so that I may be developed into the person you want me to be.  

So you say, this is a good concept, but what are you referring to?  

I have a client who I have worked with since December 2010.  I obtained this client through a networking connection of a lady of a physician who was retiring and this provider was working for them and planning on purchasing the practice.  The provider seemed nice, but truly was a bit of an air head [one of my employees calls quirky], and wasn't ready for being an Entrepreneur.  

Each time you begin a new client relationship, you have to learn each other.  Learn what their preferences are.  Learn what things they want you to do and how they want them to be done.  Learn their communication style.  In order to learn, you  have to communicate. In order to learn, you have to be willing to change and adapt to the client because you are there to serve them.

I have wanted to assist in all ways and have tried to learn, communicate, change, adapt, and be open to different ways of doing things.  However, I feel I have been beating my head against the wall for 2 years and am at a point now, that I have to re-evaluate this clients relationship.  I have tried to figure out what this physician wants, the communication style [or technically the lack there of], and how to achieve a better working relationship.  I have requested meetings every other month to address issues and by doing them outside of normal business hours, getting the client to focus on resolving problems and making decisions to hopefully work through these things.  I had hoped that as time went on, the client would learn me, see my work and that the stresses of owning a new practice and being an Entrepreneur would decrease and improve.  

They haven't.  

The client continues to swear at me each and every time I bring in bills to be paid.  This week, the client told me sarcastically to go through the phone book and write each person a check for $100 until all the funds were gone.  I said, "Excuse me, what will this accomplish?"  The response, "When there is no more money, there is no more money."  I took a deep breath, waited, waited some more, and then put my hand on the clients arm and said, "Are you sure you are fit to be an Entrepreneur?  A sole proprietor business owner?  Are you sure this is for you?"  The response, "No, I am not sure, but I have made it two years."  The client continues to ignore emails and text messages and gives me excuses as to why there is no time to respond...or complains that I send way too many, yet if I don't keep them informed on every detail accuses me.  The client gets irritated when it is time for an estimated tax payment to be made, payroll taxes are deducted, equipment quits working, government rules and regulations change, and constantly feels people are out to get them, etc.  The use of profanity is like it is every day language, and the immediate attitude is to storm off or get fuming mad; ultimately, a very short fuse.  The client has to take monthly anger management classes due to issues of domestic violence in the past and a situation with a divorce, so this is a known problem.

I had hoped by now that the client would have learned that I will do anything and everything to help and therefore swearing at me and taking your frustrations out on me is not necessary or productive.  Time has passed but things have not changed.  Yes, the profanity and stresses go through times of being worse then others, but the overall demeanor of the office has not changed.  I actually dread going to the office because of the verbal abuse, lack of decision making, lack of communication, lack of information, lack of adherence to rules and regulations, lack of desire to change, lack of support to decisions and things I do, lack of respect, lack of concern for issues, etc.  

This week I was so greatly bothered by the outbursts and language that I texted my client:

"I do not like it when you get mad. I don't like it when you swear. I am not used to either and not sure how long I can take it.  I had hoped it would get better and with time and working with me you would not swear when I bring bills, when things don't go as you wish, etc.  I work very hard for you, want you to succeed, but am not sure I can take this.  It eats me up.  It's very difficult.  I feel you are never happy with what I do.  You never like the office situation.  I don't know what more to do.  I understand that life has its moments of being too much.  I feel that way at times, however I think there are plenty of words in the English language to use without profanity to make a point."

The response: "Then I guess you may have to quit, don't know what to say to that otherwise, sorry. You take it personally, sorry, not meant that way, we may not be compatible, I really don't know.  I have a business, stresses, doctor stresses are enough.  It all boils over sometimes."

I am at a point now that I am facing the hard facts, my client has no intentions of being different.  This is not the first time I have communicated that I don't like it when profanity is used and anger is taken out on me, it just has been several months since I did so.  I don't want this type of working relationship and I have determined that I believe that I need to re-evaluate this clients arrangement.  But in order to decide what I feel I should do from here,  I have to face the questions I started this post out with.

Am I afraid to make a decision based off of fear?  Fear that if I fire this client their business will fail.  Fear that they will go out of business because of me.  [This client won't take on these tasks and currently has nobody else to do them, and I doubt would even attempt to replace me.]  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the financial impact to me.  [They are one of my top 3 clients.]  Fear that another client may not renew a contract and if I fire this one, I am only hurting myself.  Fear of what the staff will face if I fire this client.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear that maybe I don't see the big picture of what God wants from me in this situation.  Fear that maybe I am supposed to be learning something from this situation and maybe I haven't learned.  Fear of being torn as to what the right decision is. Fear of what this ongoing stress is doing to my body.

Or is it a lack of trust?  Lack of trust that God will provide, just as He has since I lost my full time job in August 2010.  Lack of trust that God will answer because He knows all things.  Lack of trust that God will guide me in this decision.  Lack of trust that God will direct me in knowing what to do with this client.

In working with another client this week, one that is the complete opposite, I shared what I was dealing with and that I potentially am considering firing a client and why.  This client was very surprised that I have been putting up with this type of behavior and expressed concern, along with the fact that they were sorry I was having to deal with these things.  Their assessment, with very little information, was that this client seems to be that of a surgeon mentality, one that thinks that they can say and do whatever they want with no consequence.  The analogy was a perfect one and one I had not thought of, but have experienced the mentality of surgeons in previous working environments, and it fits entirely.  

The conversation has stuck with me and I have reflected on the point several times.  Once again, made my heat sore in thankfulness.  Thankful for this client and the fact that God has allowed me to have a client [and for that matter nearly all employers - though I have had some great bossses] that is a complete opposite of any that I have ever worked for in nearly 17 years [March 2013 will be 17 years] of being in this industry.  I have deep gratitude for the people God puts in your path to assist you with your journey.  

I am not sure if I am acting out of fear or out of lack of trust.  I do know I have lots of thoughts and at the moment they seem to be a balled up mess...and I have lots of questions:

Do I wish to continue to be treated like this?
Do I wish to try to decrease my involvement with this client and let my employees handle everything that they can so I don't have to face this?
Do I want my employees to have to deal with this treatment?
Do I want a client who is not on board with me?

I must remember...
There is no fear in love.  [I John 4:18] NIV
God is the author of order not confusion. [I Corinthians 14:33] KJV
If you don't have all the wisdom needed for this journey, ask God. [James 1:5] The Voice

I request your prayers for me.  

Prayers that I will not have fear.  Prayers that I will trust God's perfect plan.  Prayers that I have wisdom.

romans 5:3

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.

~ Romans 5:3, NLT

my new JustBe purse!

absolutely LUV my Just Be Purses that arrived today!!!
the most I have ever spent on a purse [3x's as much]...but it's just my style! 
so gonna love this...

Quotes

It doesn’t matter how accurate you are if you are aiming at the wrong goal.
- Seven Days in Utopia

how do mother's do it?

Last Night, I was on call all night for a software vendor of a client who was installing an update to an EHR program.  They require when this is performed after normal office hours that they have someone they can reach by phone.  This person was designated to be me.  I set my ringer to the lowest setting.  I activated the setting that tells you who is calling as the call comes in so if it wasn't one I needed I could swipe the phone to ignore it.  I turned off all other settings for emails, text messages and like alerts and reminders to avoid being disturbed all night long.  The project got started at 11.30pm.  The first call was at 3.30am.  Then 4.am, 5.45am and 6.00am...at this point I decided to get up and get ready and head to the office because I wasn't sleeping and the issues they were having really needed someone onsite to get them completed.

As I got ready at the hotel to head in, I wondered how mother's do it?  They get up at all hours of the night.  They never know when their sleep is going to be interrupted.  How do they do this?  How do doctor's do it when they are on call?  They never know when a phone call is going to come in or how many they will get a night?  

I have found I do not go back to sleep.  I wondered, is this a learned pattern of sleeping that you train yourself for?  I don't know, but I know that I got a LARGE cup of coffee from McDonald's to make it through my day...and I know that being on call during my normal sleep hours isn't something I want to add to my portfolio!

fixing my heart...

psalm 86:11

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. 
- Psalm 86:11

36th Birthday Celebrations...1 month later

This client has never remembered my birthday...until this year.  I went to their office to notarize documents and charts to be sent off for the bimonthly Medical Board Review, and guess what they surprised me with???  Yup...Cupcakes!  They sang to me too, one month to the day from my Birthday.  Sweet!

Client bought me Red Velvet and Chocolate Cupcakes with this AWESOME Cream Cheese Frosting
I ate half a Red Velvet one and half a Chocolate one...totally not on my diet, but delicious!

released from Jury Duty

Yipppeeeee...no Jury Duty! They had more than enough people, a completely full house, so I was released. Now I can get to work and plan the rest of my week.

Jury Duty

Today, my work schedule will be different. I have Jury Duty.  I called Friday night to the automated system and the sessions were not canceled, so I must show up.  Will I get picked?  Who knows.  My business attorney told me that it is amazing how many cases finally have decisions made when they know that the jury is sitting in the next room.  She said for some reason it create a pressure that people respond to.  Though our system is not  flawless it is better than many and we need to be grateful for it.  If you were someone who had a case going before a judge, you would want willing jurors on it to serve.  

I served November 2005 for 2 days, though the whole process took 3 days.  I am hoping that the Court House has WiFi so I can work and get a few things done, but if not, I will have my knitting and a book with me.  

Quotes

Today I shall not try to defend the faith, but illustrate it.
- E. Stanley Jones