I got word today from Terry that the Memorial that was set for my Dad this Friday, February 15th, 2013 at 1pm at Sunset Hills Memorial Park & Mortuary in Apple Valley, CA has been postponed/canceled. When I asked my brother the reason, he told me it was because Mom found out I was coming.
No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings. She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed. And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God. Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.
My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled. My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad. It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away. This is what made me angry. It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.
This is disturbing to me.
On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day. I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming. He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth. I said, what? He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that. I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial. If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one. There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life. Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life. She is not desperate. She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money. If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out? You bet we would! And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her. However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs. These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.