Tuesday, April 16, 2013

struggling to make sense of the emotions

The last three weeks have been incredibly tough.  In many ways, it feels like it has been eons of time and yet at the same time feels like yesterday.  I am facing nightmares.  Tears with no notice.  A lack of an appetite.  Very easily startled.  No desire to work.  No motivation or desire to do anything.  Deadlines are the only thing pushing me forward.  

Why you ask?  

The incident with a client on 03.23.2013 has rocked my world.  It has made the 1st 20 years of my life once again, very vivid.  Memories flood the brain, the heart, the body, the feelings, my very existence and I can't shake them off.  I feel  am in a funk.  Scripture doesn't seem to bring hope.  I only feel dead.  There are no words for this.  There is no way to describe the feeling to someone who has never experienced such a horrific state of life.  I have finally admitted to myself that I am fighting anger.  Anger at someone who has turned my world upside down.  Once again, anger at men in general.  All they seem to do is create pain in your life.  I have no need for them.  My life is fine without them.  To argue differently with me right now would be pointless, so please don't try.  You haven't walked in my shoes. And I wouldn't want you to!!!

Why did God allow this?  What am I to learn?  How is this supposed to be good for me?  I donno the answers to those questions yet, though at the moment I am not even trying to figure the answer out.  I know His plan for my journey is perfect and if I trust Him in this [again] He will give me the strength to face these emotions that have me turned upside down.  He will work this out for my good.  Somehow.  Someway.  It will be pieced together in the puzzle and the end result will be a picture that brings glory for Him.  Not for me.

Was I ready for this?  No.  Am I delighting in my extreme trial at the moment?  No.  I won't lie to you.  I am not taking this in stride and I am emotionally sick.  If I had my way I would run away.  Where too?  Somewhere where I didn't feel what I am feeling now.  Somewhere where I could escape.  Somewhere where it erased it all. Somewhere where I wasn't feeling pain.  For now, there is no way to escape and I must endure this.  God has called me to endure this.  For Him.  It is in that that, and only in that, that I have courage.  

1 comment:

  1. Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5

    Ask and you will receive, and your joy WILL be complete! John 16:24

    He reached down and took hold of me..he drew me out of deep waters. Psalms 18:16

    Keep the faith my friend...praying for you!
    Love you