Monday, May 6, 2013

decision to move forward with Professional Counseling

After the situation that transpired with a client in March and the effects that it has had on me, and effects that continued longer then I expected to have to deal with them, I felt it best to get Professional Counseling.  I have been opposed to this for many reasons, first, it has not been something that was encouraged or deemed appropriate by The Assembly and therefore I never considered it.  Second, I have felt that I have done really well to work through much of what I experienced in my life as a child and really didn't want to deal with pulling out stuff in the closets, digging through the trash, debriding a wound, or think further on the stuff.  However, I have had a hard time pulling myself out of this this round and felt maybe it is time to move forward with more growth.  Though to do so will be work, cause pain, bring more pruning, and have a ripple effect, it just might be time.  I have been told over the years by doctors, two clients, and previous coworkers that I should consider and really need professional counseling.  I fought it.  I now am listening.

I have interviewed and met with three female Christian Counselors.  I liked each one of them.  The first one was $150 a session, the same cost as my business attorney charges me for an hour of her time.  Ouch.  I simply can't afford that even if you have lots of experience with abuse.  The second one was 75-90 minutes one way from my house which means that I am looking at 4 hours out of my day to go for counseling.  She had a sliding scale and would have charged me $50 a session, much more reasonable.  However, I don't have that kind of time to spend just traveling on the road, especially since at this time, I don't have clients in the geographical area of her location and therefore its way majorly out of my way.  The third one I met with is located in my town and the cost is $45 a session.  The drawback is that she due in less than a month to have her baby and will be taking some time off, but felt we could get in at least two sessions before her time off.  I opted to get started with her and do whatever sessions I could with her.

My homework was to make a list of things that I don't like from this experience and how I am feeling about counseling.
List of Things that I Don't Like from this Experience:
  • lack of motivation to do anything
  • frequent tears/emotion
  • nightmares/flashbacks/memories
  • no desire to work (and I believe I am a workaholic)
  • not hungry/don't care to eat
  • that I can't shake this funk I am in
  • that after all these years, something like this can turn my world upside down
  • reading my Bible/Praying doesn't seem to bring peace or comfort
  • don't want to have to deal with this
  • don't understand why God allowed this
  • feelings of hatred and despising men again
  • feel cornered and boxed in with no options
  • the plan to do counseling makes me nervous and apprehensive
Well, that plan is not going to work.  I showed up this morning for my first session having completed my homework assignment and learned she had gone into the hospital.  Don't get me wrong, she has to take care of herself and the baby and this is the most important thing, but I left there in tears.  I was frustrated.  It seems that after 3 attempts, this plan to get Professional Counseling is not working.  

Is this not what God wants for me?  Does he have someone else who would be a better fit?  How long am I supposed to wait for an answer?  What am I supposed to think of all this?  I don't know the answers, but I know I had a God Moment right after that.  I got this from a friend before I had even made it back to my car [and she had no clue what I was going through at that moment when she sent it...she was just being a messenger of God]:

Thinking of you this morning and I'm praying you'll have a great week. Love you!

Wow!  He knew that I needed it and he sent a friend at the right time to encourage me.  God has a plan, I must wait and be patient.

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