Trying to tell you story without crying is pretty hard. I have never been a crier. Crying wasn't allowed growing up and always brought more punishment, so you learned to stuff it. You learned to hide it all with a pretense that all was okay. Somehow though I have never done this well because I am easily read like a book. However, working through this process of telling my story, it's nearly impossible not to cry.
I am a numbers chic. I love time lines. I have tried to tell my story to my counselor in a chronological format. Today she asked a question, that made me jump ahead to age 17. And then after I answered that, it made her put down my homework and ask something else. She then said, you do know that this is anything but normal, right? I shook my head in acknowledgment, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't face the truth that this wasn't normal. She said, do you really? I confirmed, yes, I do.
But do I? No. There is no way for me to relate to normal. This was my normal, a common standard of expectation out of life. I don't care how often or how much you tell me that this was not normal, it was MY normal. I am now working through redefining the word normal to learn a new normal, a new standard of expectation out of life.
We resumed talking. The conversation got worse. I told her I no longer can try to only tell you the details in chronological order, I am going to answer your questions as you want clarification, which means we will go all over the map. I told her that I was sorry, that there is too much that relates and has to be explained because it is intertwined. Its time that I help her truly understand the situation for what it is, for what it was.
I told more of My Story.
Her eyes welled up with tears. She fought them back. She swallowed hard. She bit her lip. I kept talking. I quit looking at her. I stared at the corner attempting to avoid seeing her try to control the emotions that make someone wanna go flat out mad.
She said "These rules are killing me Misty. What were children to be, servants?"
She finally couldn't hold back, she cried.
I cried harder.
I don't believe I have ever cried so many heart felt tears in my entire life. This is an extremely gut wrenching process. Making my counselor cry today, was not in my plans. Telling my whole complete nightmare of a story is beyond the most difficult thing I have ever done in my LIFE! You might disagree, but it is today!!! This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.
The takeaway from today's session is to hang onto the qualities that came out of these situations and to remember that what I went through has shaped me to be who I am [you are shaped into who you will be typically by age 6].
Homework continues: Write your story. Added assignment, make a list of the positive things that have developed since September 1997.
#courageousjourney #GodsPlan #beingauthentic #notgonnaquit