I know better than to procrastinate. Procrastination at its finest, is never a good thing. It never makes something easier. Yet I continue to do that with my homework between counseling sessions.
I am not sure why I do this. I really don't. This isn't me, I am a person who likes to tackle projects, the feeling of accomplishment is very rewarding, and I have no intentions of quitting. I intend to tell my story, every gut wrenching piece of it. I intend to do exactly what my parents forbade me to do, discuss what went on in our home, every blasted detail. Yup, I do.
So, why do I keep doing this?
I got home from my day yesterday and knew that I needed to do my homework. I went to my office, opened the laptop, pulled up the document and tried to write. Nothing came. My heart wasn't in it. I had had a great day...but now, my mood changed. I didn't want to do this. I decided I wouldn't. I would not force myself to do what I normally would do and make it happen. I would go to bed and sleep.
I woke up a little after 5am with the startling realization that I needed to do my homework and continue to write my story. I didn't dread it, but wasn't really looking forward to it either. I prayed. I asked God for strength to continue to write. For strength to face what I didn't want to do. For strength to continue on a journey that I will be courageous on! For a journey that I know He has a plan about. For a journey that He has given me! Thoughts started coming about what to write. I crawled out of bed and wrote for almost an hour and a half.
Anxiety started to take over. I started to dread my appointment. Seeing the words that were written out on paper is a hard thing. I decided to hit the track. The first song on my Pandora app was Nothing is Wasted by Jason Gray. Awwwhhhhh, God was listening to me. I walked hard. I prayed hard. I heard more music about God's Love for me. Just as I was about to jump in the shower, a girlfriend texted me that she was praying for me. Another awwwhhhhh!
Counseling was tough. Just as I anticipated it being because we are getting deep into the heart of my story. My counselor asked if I was okay. [Just so you know, I hate to tell you I am not okay. It kills me inside to admit I can't do something, I am a failure, I will not tell you this and thus I will avoid telling you that I am not okay.] With tears streaming down my face I nodded. She said Misty, you're not, are you? I told her, "I refuse to state I am not okay. I can't change my story! I can't change what happened, what was said, what was done, what my life was. So then why do I dread telling my story? Why is this so hard for me? Why do I have guilt telling my story? I get my parents told me to never ever share or tell my story, but its doesn't change the truth. Not one bit of it." She said, yes, but you know your parents did not ever want you to tell and you remember those conversations, you know they do not approve of you telling and that is going to be in your heart no matter how you want to proceed.
Again, she is right.
At one point she told me: "You realize that no matter how you tell the truth of your story, some people are flat out not going to believe it."
Yes, I know. People have a hard time facing the truth of ugly stories. I probably would be shunned for my horrible story. People would not believe I was telling the truth. Family would only condemn me more. Friends would use it to say, see, we knew you were from a crazy home - you are going to be just "like her".
Yes, I know. More than you realize. I face these thoughts. It's tough. If you only knew, how tough.
I still am going to tell the truth of my story, regardless of what you think of me. My end goal is to write a book, not because I have anything profound to share but because I want to encourage everyone to live a courageous journey. Regardless if you believe me. I know its the truth. And God helping me, I will get through the rest of this gut wrenching part of my story because it is killing me. This is tougher than you can imagine, and I think for some reason, I thought I could tell my story in 3rd person and it would be easier. How naive of me.
The knot in my stomach is bad and it is affecting my appetite. It's been this way now for a few weeks and now, the results of that is showing. I am losing weight. The clothes I bought in February and March aren't looking so good. I am down 8 pounds from the last time I was at the doctors office. I simply am just not hungry even though I am not skipping meals [outside of the meal before counseling] and many times I will drink a shake to make sure I get protein and have a meal but there is not the normal "live to eat" appetite. I pick at my food, I get full really fast or disinterested quickly. This is not me. I realize its a page in this chapter, hopefully not a full chapter in my current story.
I am trying to be patient with myself.
I am trying to work through the emotions and thoughts that swarm at you, because it is unbelievable. I never dreamed things that happened to me nearly 20 years ago or more would or could create such feelings in me.
I am trying to think of all this as God would.
As I left the session today, I got into my car to run an errand and head to my home office to work with an employee. The song Need You Now by Plumb was the song that came on. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart bled. My eyes spilled tears, hard tears. I need God. I need strength to face this time in my life.
"Everybody's got a story to tell...And everybody's got a wound to be healed. I want to believe there's beauty here...I'm trying to hear that still small voice. God, I need you now!"
Once again, God used music to speak to me. This song has been one used more than once in my life. The last few months. I pray for more strength to face this time in my life.