Can you please pray for me?
I also posted on Facebook asking:
Can I ask you to please pray for me? Today is going to be a challenging day.
We are at the hardest part of my story. The part that is gut wrenching more than anything else in my life. The part of my story that nobody has ever heard all the details on, details that to this day I can remember vividly, very vividly. Details that are so very hard to talk write about, talk about, hear read to me, let alone discuss. I had written 5 pages since my last session...we made it through half of it today, and I wished I didn't have to listen.
This was so hard!!!
I had written most of what I presented today, two weeks ago after Counseling Session #9, the days before my Woman of Faith Conference. Now you know why the nuggets the opening night were so incredibly moving to me and why I knew God had a message just for me...because I was struggling at feeling my story mattered. Now you know why one of the speakers, Christine Cain, the story she shared and her message to us ladies rocked my world. God's timing is amazing!!! I was in the middle of writing this part of my story before attending that event and it was used in my life to inspire me to continue to write.
After learning more of my story, my counselor told me that most people are not going to be able to understand or relate to the pain I know. They are not going to relate to a life with no options. This hurts me. I want people to understand. I don't want to be considered different. Some people will be able to relate part of my story with not being cared about or invested in, because they have experienced this.
In spite of my story, my counselor shared the following [and some other things that I can't share on the blog] and reminded me:
- You did not let this stop you...you choose not to be a victim.
- What you faced has made you have a stronger relationship with God.
- You relate to real hurting people in a way others cannot.
- You continue to keep going.
- You are the biggest encourager to other people.
- You have extreme courage.
- You are amazing. [ugh if she only know how I desperately I don't feel so amazing!!!]
- You stand up and take your pain.
- You could have turned into your mother.
- You could have chosen to live on disability like your brother [though she believes without having ever met him he has a reason to be to some degree].
- You could have turned against God.
- You could have hated his people because of what happened.
- You could have gotten bitter.
- You could have been a hermit.
- You could have been a million things you are not.
- God will never wastes an opportunity. [And I was reminded of this this morning during the walk at the track with one of my favorite songs Nothing Wasted by Jason Gray.]
- What happened to you was not good, but it has good. Romans 8:28. Ephesians 3:20.
- God's not done with you!
The goal this week is to touch the pain and grieve it. Feeling sorry for yourself is a lifestyle, but grieving is stating what happened was horrible and I wish it could have been different.
I also have to do more homework, continuing to tell my story, because it is not over...I pray that there will only be a few more weeks of this gut wrenching pain because it is making me sick.