Life has been strange. It has been hard to figure out. It has been difficult to transition through some of the changes.
I made progress on my counseling up until my trip to Tennessee. Upon returning and resuming this past month, I can't seem to get back on track. I haven't wanted to quit because of what I feel still has left to be done. But my heart isn't in it.
Is it just because I am exhausted? Is it because I am not feeling well? Maybe. This is one of the worst times of the year for allergies. I was sick for 2.5 weeks...and though I am not coughing like I was, I can't sleep at night for the extreme effect my allergies are having on my breathing, even with an inhaler. We are at week 6 or 7 like this...and we will be until the cold snap hits and kills this mess. Extreme allergies make one feel utterly exhausted, all the time, even after some sleep. On top of that, the hormones have decided to take a new turn since nearing the one year mark. They have not followed any normal pattern and I am not scheduled for an appointment for 3 more months.
I keep pressing on, knowing that in time, the Lord will bring answers, direction, help to what I am facing, but for now, they aren't there. That usually means He is asking me to be patient and trust Him.
I keep focusing on what is important, what the end goal is, trying to make it through the days, trying to cope, but inwardly feel I am falling apart. I am easily discouraged. Even with my mission and focus on allowing no stress in, it still is there. The thought of running away to somewhere unknown is enticing.
Am I just burned out? Or is it that I am discouraged?
If I step back and assess, I know God loves me but right now He feels far away. I don't feel as I felt a few weeks ago.
I know He has a plan through all that has transpired this year in my personal life and I absolutely know all this is working in me for the next part of the plan. I just don't seem to be aligning the pieces very well to understand this picture.
I need some time to reflect more and pray.
For now, anything that can be cut out - Facebook, emailing, extra things beyond the basics life requires or that are already on the books - will be until I can manage the feelings I am working through and have a clearer image of where God wants me to be.