Thursday, January 30, 2014

my LiveBIG experience on Day 3

I woke up, having slept better than the last two nights, but with a heart that was heavy.  I loaded up Pandora and listened to one of my favorite stations of christian music.  

The first song was one that I needed to hear first to begin my day.  It is called Brand New Day by KJ-52. Certain parts of the lyrics just stood out to me, big time.
"I'm startin over in a brand new way...Shout it out, its a brand new day...your life is all I chase, cause in you I;m gonna put all my faith...some nights I lose my faith...wooah, oh, oh...shout it out, its a brand new I'll never, ever, ever be the same.  I think about how much I've changed, it was hard times but I'm not the deserve all...we can have life.  I'm startin over in a brand new way...I'm not where I want to be but I'm not where I used to be.  You got me singing its a brand new day, shout it out...I'll never, ever, ever be the same, No I'll never, ever, ever be the same, cause I'll never, ever, ever be the same."

I wasn't sure what my feeling of heaviness was coming from, but as I left the hotel, I prayed.  Prayed for God to be apart of my last day of LiveBIG to help me through the thoughts and feelings taking over my soul.  I went by Starbucks and got me a Vanilla Chai Tea Latte.  I also got 10 $5 gift cards.  I wanted to give a note and a gift card to 10 people who impacted my time.  I wanted them to have a cup of coffee or tea on me and remember me at a later date, when we couldn't sit and chat over coffee, we could at least remember each other.  I figured I would go at lunch and get note cards since I had none with me and write each of them a note.

Day 3 started with Gerald giving us the 5 Components to a Power Hour (you can read my notes on this if you missed it).

We did the exercise again, "The Greatness I see In You..."

I did this with Rob, Tony and Christion.

Tony was an incredible person to do this exercise with.  His eyes were intense, the feeling bold, the connection strong and unwavering, no fear to reveal what he was thinking, no doubt in my mind that he has a true love for people, an amazing guy married to an awesome lady.  

I will never forget what he told me.  Tony made a huge impact on my life.  I wish I could have written down exactly what he said, maybe even have been able to have recorded it. I would have loved to have done this!!!  He was amazing.
"I see a brightly shining candle, one that has been hidden in complete darkness for a very long time but that has still shined boldly.  I see a fire desiring to shine brighter.  I see a strong woman, with a love for others that feels her eyes, a beautiful smile that is engaging.  I see a heart desiring love, love that has been hidden, desiring to be fueled by the fire."

Anthony did a great job at helping us see that comfort zones are really not that comfortable, they simply are familiar.  Think about this.  It's true!

He explained how much of what we know in our belief system is in place fully by age 8.  That to me is a scary thought.  I have heard this before, and it is unnerving to think about.  

Another thing Anthony taught me to think about was that our brain is trained to answer the questions we ask it.  So we need to ask intelligent questions, questions that aren't crappy because crappy questions get crappy answers.  Disbelief triggers will continue to be validated if we continue to feed them.  He had examples on this too.

Gerald spent some time talking about how every story in my life is divine to orchestrate the things God has for me in my life.

He then asked if anyone had something they wanted to share about what they were learning with their belief system.

Having been listening to the nudging of the Spirit of God, I knew I needed to share.  I didn't expect this to be easy, but I knew the last 2 days I had not been living a Level 10.  Sure, everyone else thought I was courageous, everyone else thought I was amazing, but I knew I could do more, be more and live more.  I knew I had been holding back, not wanting this conference to be all about me, I had kept my influence small.  I hadn't shared all I could.  I hadn't gone to the deep end.  I stayed in my comfort zones that weren't so comfortable even then.  

I raised my hand.  Gerald accepted my application to share and asked me to stand.

I turned my back to Gerald who was up front and faced the crowd.  I let them know that it was Day 3 and though I had shared some the last 2 days, I felt I needed to share more today. I let them know that it would be another mascara alert.  Anotherwards, there would be tears and my face would be streaked.

I shared that the first day I came in utterly exhausted and emotionally drained from a 21 hour trip and 3 hours of sleep.  I shared that this was not how I wanted to be in my game, ready to learn, and felt frustrated.  I had expected this event to be a life changer for me in the few months that I had followed Gerald on Facebook.  I shared how that when Gerald asked me questions, I had fear what the audience and people were thinking about me and that I had a hard time forgetting about them and just getting into the moment.  I shared that I felt I wouldn't answer his questions the right way.  I shared how I wanted to move forward through my junk and be different.  I shared a key element in this was when Gerald asked me to give the gift my Mom gave me back to her since it was not serving me.  I explained how this was a different form of Letting GO than I had done before and how it truly was an incredible aspect to think about.  I shared how there was so much more to my story than I had shared and could share even now due to time constraints, but that I needed to share more. I shared how when Tony started to probe into my world that I brushed him off with the fact that we had talked about things the night before and he knew.  I said the real reason was because I couldn't talk about it.  I shared that I left the 2nd Day feeling like I was holding back and that I wasn't giving my all.  I shared that I faced 20 years of horrible abuse, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse from my parents, particularly my Mom. I shared that I was raped at age 17 and that I know this has impacted the reason I am single and don't have a man in my life.  I shared that my parents didn't believe me and that they no longer considered me the first born of the family.  I shared a few things I can't write here.  I shared that I felt that if I couldn't share with a room full of strangers, how in the world would I ever be able to finish my book that I was in the middle of writing to share My Story?  I shared that though I know in my head that I am good enough, I continue to struggle in my heart to feel it. I shared that the exercise of "The Greatness I see in You..." was tough for me, not because I have an issue looking people in the eye, I can do this well, I am not afraid of the truth, but to let you look deep into my soul?  This was hard.  To be able to look each of them in the eyes and see the compassion, the love, the care, the truth they saw in me was absolutely amazing!!!  I stated that what my belief system was trying to do each time someone shared their thoughts with me, to tear it down and make My Story real.  I shared how this was truly something I needed and I appreciated them beyond what I could ever say.  I shared that one of the biggest and greatest tools I learned was to look at the fruits and results I was getting in my life and trace them back to look at my triggers, to understand my triggers, to address the lies, to look at the things I had given definition to, the things I had created a meaning for, and think about the experiences.  I explained that I do this with my clients in business but had never thought about doing the reverse for my own personal life.  I stated LiveBIG was making a huge impact on my life and I was in the middle of rewriting My Story.

Everyone was clapping.  There were people crying.  There were people hugging me.  There were people loving me in spite of my pain.

Gerald asked everyone how they felt learning more of my story, did they feel more connected to me?  If so, to raise their hand.  Every hand went up.  He made me look around at all the hands.  He asked how many people felt more love for me knowing what I had faced in my life.  Every hand was still up.  He asked me to remember that.  He asked how many people had more compassion for me and love knowing more of what I have faced in my life.  Every hand went back up.  He then listed characteristics that described me that showed by the mere fact that I was willing to face my demons, address the lies, stand up in front of everyone, share my story along with what I was learning and provide more details, and be authentic how courageous, loving, beautiful, strong and amazing I truly was. 

I was sitting by Denise, she was hugging me as I sobbed.  Gerald told me to lean into her embrace and accept it.  Denise whispered in my ear to write down all the things Gerald said about me.  

She then took my notebook and wrote in it:

I am shifting NOW!  I am saying YES TO ME and to receiving LOVE! 

Later in the morning she wrote:

EVERYONE in our LiveBIG Team has been impacted for good by your contribution and will remember YOU, MISTY!! You're so beautiful and strong!

I wrote back:

Thank You Denise for being apart of my journey and sharing in my life!  I Love You...

and she wrote back:


We broke for lunch and as I was getting up to head out, Deonne grabbed me and said, I knew there was a reason I loved you and connected with you.  She said she was raped at age 17 too.  Awwwhhhhhhh, now her note to me the day before meant even more. It had even more meaning.  Wow!!!

I couldn't even make it out of the conference room without 10 people asking me if I had lunch plans.  You think I am joking?  I am not.  By opening myself up and being more than vulnerable, I had more people want to connect with me, not less.  I had more people who wanted to know more of my story, not less.  I did my best to include them all and we went to Sweet Tomatoes again, all of us.  Deonne was behind me in line and I surprised her and treated her to lunch.  Made her eyes fill up with tears.  So fun!!!

We headed back to the conference and resumed.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy to hold back.  This is so true.  Even in my own LiveBIG experience.  Until I was committed to share all, I held back.

Tony spent a lot of time discussing having a Well Being and what that looks like and why we struggle.  He made it very clear that you either choose to effectively reduce your stress or continue your addiction.  He discussed Adrenal Fatigue.  :(  Yes, a sore subject because of how it relates to my life.

We had to do an exercise in which we wrote our fear on an arrow.  I can't explain the exercise to you because we have been forbidden to do so as they don't want this ruined for others who would do the conference and know what to expect...but let me just tell you, that it was incredible.  As we sat in our circle of 8 people, one of the gals was having a hard time with signing the waiver.  She asked me how I could do this.  I said, we have spent a good 2 and a half days trusting what Gerald as he has shared how God has worked in his life, gave us tools for what God is doing in our lives, listening to his thoughts and input, letting him work with us to move past our beliefs and lies to rewrite our stories...I wasn't going to back out now.  I trusted him.  She couldn't do it and declined the waiver.  I watched some of the people on my team do this.  It was now my turn.  I was not able to.  I tried, for all I was worth, but couldn't.  I took a deep breath, tried harder.  I still couldn't do it.  I was determined to not let this win over me and tried a third time.  This time, nearly in tears.  I tried two more times.  I was now frustrated, standing there with extreme hesitation.  The very fear of not being good enough was in my face, here my team could do this, but I couldn't?  Tony came up behind me, put his arm across my shoulders, spoke loving, kind, gentle reaffirming remarks into my ear and encouraged me to move through it quickly.  I did it.  Why was it so hard?  I wasn't moving fast enough...but without the support of someone who had done it before, I thought I was giving it my all and it kept me from being able to achieve the results I wanted.  Amazing!

As the evening was winding down to a close, we had another round of "The Greatness I see In You...".  We did this with 5 or 6 different people, though there was a slight twist to it on a few of the connections we did. 

I am not sure I remember each person I did this with but I know I did with Chad, Nathanial, Sala, and Anthony...there were one or two others, but I can't right now remember their names.  {I will edit the blog post later if I remember them.}

The second to the last person, we didn't say anything, but just looked deep into their eyes, letting our eyes share what we were feeling.  Amazing.  I was with a girl named Sala.  She is a vibrant young lady full of life, who believed she was not beautiful.  Her eyes filled with tears and then they smiled and glowed.  Her love and friendship clearly spilling over.  I got my picture taken with her later that night and when I did so she asked me if she could share what she had been thinking. I said of course, she said you don't mind?  I said no.  And she did.  She made me cry.

The last person I was with was Anthony.  This round we were to say things about ourselves that in reality also described the other person because we were told, many times the person we are attracted to has a heart just like ours.  This to me was an amazing experience because Anthony clearly tried to make someones day, clearly tried to say words of encouragement, clearly connected with people...all the things that represent me and how I am at my core heart.

We then all gathered in one big circle.  We put our arms around each other and were instructed to look around the room at each person, our LiveBIG Team.  Gerald was in the center of the circle and shared some last few thoughts with us, encouraging us to stay connected and accountable to each other.  Tears were streaming down my face while I smiled looking at my LiveBIG Friends.  To see these people who had been complete strangers 3 days before now be so connected with my life was truly amazing.  He asked us who wanted to LiveBIG, I shouted out a wooohoooooo in my own way as I had done throughout the event, but with much more volume than I had previously.  Denise was near me and she said you sure have a big voice for a little body.  I knew I was going to take LiveBIG with me and I wanted to share that with my LiveBIG Tribe.  Gerald locked eyes with me at one point as he was circling around and sharing last minute nuggets with us, and said You Are Good Enough.   You are Beautiful.  You are Loved.  You are Amazing.  This was his final message to me to burn deep into my heart and mind to rewrite my internal belief system.  

Telling my LiveBIG Friends & Tribe bye was really hard.  I didn't get as many pictures of my time as I wish I had...(you should take pictures before the last day if you want to capture the event and not be wearing the same outfit with everyone) but the memories will forever be written on my heart.  The participation with my buddy, Brandee, the other LiveBIG Tribe, and my Coaches!!!  

Day 3 of LiveBIG was an incredible experience!!!  I encourage you to #LiveBIG...

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