Saturday, January 4, 2014

why I don't feel the need for family

This post may seem strange to you.  But I think if you listen me out, you might see a glimpse into why it isn't strange.  

I have thought about writing on this topic before.  I haven't because I didn't want to make things difficult for those who might be relatives and family that follow my blog.  I haven't because I know many people may not share my viewpoint, may adamantly disagree, or possibly even vehemently detest, may feel I am cold and heartless...but I decided I can't let that stop me from sharing.  I can't let your viewpoint, disagreements, or opinions about me or what I write keep me from sharing.  

You know I don't write for what your viewpoint is.  I write from mine.  If you know me well, you know I write to encourage and share the things I face on this courageous journey.  If you can appreciate it from that perspective, you will get a glimpse into my heart and mind.  If you only see what you think is right, you will miss an opportunity to connect with me because I am done with "what everyone else thinks is right".

Deep breath.  Gods got this.

My Dad was one of two children.  My Mom was one of six children.  I am the oldest of three children.  From that connection alone, I have lots, and lots, and lots of family.  Then you get into first cousins, second cousins, third cousins, aunts, uncles, extended aunts and uncles (the first removed and second removed aunts and uncles), and the number of people I am connected to is endless.  I have gobs and gobs and gobs of relatives!!!  I have never even attempted to count how many, it is enormous.  

Having grown up in "the assembly" my entire life, many times people thought I had no family because I didn't live where family lived.  They thought I was an "outsider" like them, coming into a group with no connections.  When they learned of the extent of my family it usually made them sad because they didn't have any and were hoping to find a connection with me that way.  

But I have never felt I had family.  Family to me were people you knew, beyond that they were aunt or uncle so and so and where they lived.  They were people you went and visited, people who you spent time with often.  People who loved you.  People who reached out and connected to you.  People who came over for visits to your house too.  People who shared their lives with you by calling and writing.  People who understood that you were part of the blood line and were pretty special.  

This was my mental vision and to some degree the definition I had placed on what was family.  And since everything I experienced on a physical level was far from that type of family, I just don't relate to being excited about family.  

Yes, some of this comes from the fact that granpa's and granma's weren't apart of my life due to "church discipline" or "walking wordly and not the way we approve".  That wasn't all of it.  There were other reasons we were not apart of other family, due to differences of opinions, heated arguments, lack of acceptance over my mom's health conditions, etc.

I never felt special.  I never felt loved.  I felt very disconnected.  I felt very ostracized.  I felt very much an outcast.  Not just by my own immediate family, but by my relatives.  No, we were not the ones marked, but we weren't on good terms with so many of the relatives that all relationships were strained.  We had little to no contact with them the entire time growing up.  

I hence can't relate to those who have great families.  To those who want to go see their families.  I still think it is really cool, part of me still questions if it is real or fake, but regardless I believe somewhere there are authentic families.

When the opportunity came for me to get reconnected in 2008 with my granpa and granma on my Mom's, I made the most of it, very nervous with apprehension and fear.  After several hours of lectures from my granpa, I decided that door needed to remain closed.  One visit with them was all I could emotionally do and I needed to leave things were they were.  There wouldn't be more of a relationship under those kinds of terms.  The relationship was damaged and beyond repair without intervention from God.  When I visited cousins and tried to connect us all together, there were still inside jokes and talk about things they had in common where I wasn't apart of their lives on such a level that it made you feel like you didn't belong.  Their continued interaction through social media is different and many times was hurtful in how they miss each other and comment on each others posts.  I realized I wanted something I wouldn't ever be able to have with them.  When extended family was very judgmental on how much I work, where I spend my time, how busy I am, what I do or don't do for my Mom, and really just can't see the truth of the situation of my home life, and freely gave opinions about what I should do to be different - even when it wasn't wanted or needed; I realized that I was forcing relationships and wanting people to see my world as God sees it.  

Some people just can't.  

I wanted the family I never had and realized it didn't exist.  

When I accepted this, I realized that I don't need family.  I haven't ever had it.  I have lived alone, during my childhood without family, and away from my 'home" for over 16 years now.  My life is peaceful, without drama, and full of people that love me.  I have God and I have many encouraging friends.  I don't need family.  I have all that I need in my circle of friends and for me, it is way more than family.  It is my world.  

{Please note: not everyone that is family falls into this post, but the majority of them do.  I am sorry to say it, but it is the truth.}

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