My journey this year is focused on changing me. To a greater level. I am determined to work through my intense crap.
Because I have made this choice and am avidly focused on clearing out the junk, discovering the truth, affirming the positive, rewriting my story, changing my focus, and believing what I discover; I am finding that I am facing even more challenges on the very things that have created fears. Deep fears. Hurt. Deep hurt.
How can this be? It's like I am asking for these challenges to increase, but I truly haven't asked for that to happen. I had enough already. It's like they are coming at me to try to make me sink, to drown me in the waves, to make me contemplate giving up.
How can this be??? Is it some sort of joke? Because I am serious about this, you want to make me prove it? Believe I like a challenge, but this seems to be creating a sickness in the pit of my stomach that I am not sure how to resolve.
You see I have issues with guys. It's a known fact. In a work setting, no problem. I am in my zone and can communicate with you on your level. In fact, I have been told you will be blown away by how I interact with you. In an networking setting, no problem as long as we at some point can talk about business, employees, budgets, goals, and other like work stuff. In a social setting, no problem as long as you are someone I know and who is married to one of my girlfriends. You are single and you seem to wanna hang around and keep staring at me and looking me down? This I avoid.
In working through why I have such fears of this I have tried to just face them so that I can find the answers and locate the truth. I haven't totally figured out the whys, even if rape was part of the picture, I don't believe its all of the picture.
I decided that I needed to take the compliments and not fight them. I would accept them and not act like a snob. I would be kind, but firmly define my boundaries. Not the ones you want me to have, but the ones I want. The ones that make me happy. I am not obligated to get to know you. I am not obligated to give you a chance. I have a choice in whom I want to date. I have a choice IF I even want to date. I will believe I am beautiful and not a piece of meat even if you look at me in such a manner.
But how do you truly work through this type of intense crap when someone doesn't get you are not interested in them? When they sit in their car watching you walk/run at the track? When they move their car to the other end of the parking lot to get a better view? When you ignore them and keep running laps they then park right by the entrance forcing you to acknowledge them when you have to walk across the driveway? And then when they follow you home?
Oh hell! You are now making me sick. Really sick. You are making me want to run. FAST. To forget that I am important. To forget that there is something better on the other side of this mess. You are making me second guess why I had this resolve to face my fears.
Then I remember why I took two rounds of self defense classes because of guys like you! Don't even think of it dude, I will take you down. I am not playing games. This might make me sick, but I refuse to be afraid of you. I might have been at one time, but you will not win.
Every bit of confidence I was working on creating and developing is being challenged to my very core, but believe me when I say I am determined to win.
Because I love ME!
And because ME is worth it.
And because God is with ME and he wants me to win.
That's why.
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