Saturday, April 5, 2014

an open letter: Dear John


I have reflected a bunch on my time at LiveBIG and interaction with you (and others) and how things have unfolded since returning home.  I feel Ephesians 1:16 expresses my heart the most "I haven't stopped thanking God for your part in my courageous journey and I continually speak to Him on your behalf in my prayers".

I want to Thank You for wanting to spend time with me, even after the extreme ultimate vulnerability I disclosed during the LiveBIG Event and sharing what I have faced in my life, the fears I have lived under, and the pain I have experienced.  I want to Thank You for giving me an experience of an incredible 1st Date for a full day alone with a man.  An amazing day!  A man who spent time getting to know me, who made me feel special, who treated me like a lady, who showed interest in my life, was kind and listened.  A man who shares many of the same values and interests as I do.  A man who loves God.  A man who was willing to be generous with me and share a part of his world with me.  A man who encouraged me to live the life I want and to focus on taking care of myself more than I do.  A man who has blessed me by sharing his Personal Affirmations with me and who has inspired me to rewrite My Affirmations after listening to his.  A man who encouraged me to join a Yoga class and do something I totally love.  A man committed to growing me as much as he grows himself.  A man who was interested in learning and knowing my story and let me know so.  A man who was vitally used in my journey to face my fears, who gave me an opportunity to show how committed I was to working past them, and who gave and blessed me with an experience of a lifetime!

A man who I also wish could know in his heart that I am a safe place, that I am not like other girls, and that I won't treat him as he has been treated before.  A man I wish knew that my goal was never to hurt or push him into something he didn't seek out or desire, as you initiated the relationship and communicated things that validated the friendship and interest in connection.  Even though you got angry at me on Wednesday on the phone John, I will not push you away.  Ever.  I still want you to succeed!!!  I still believe in you.  I obviously triggered crap to show up in your life by making you feel that you had to commit to a relationship, even though this was the absolute farthest thing from my heart and mind.  This hurt me immensely that I caused such a reaction in you!  I honestly and completely just wanted to be a friend to you, I simply wanted to give to the friendship as much as you had given to me, I simply wanted to not build my walls back up and shove men friends out and retreat as I have done my entire life, I simply wanted to stay connected to my goals of one vacation a quarter and if you wanted to see me you could, if you didn't no big deal...I was living my life the way I want it to by planning ahead and giving me a goal to look forward to in the midst of being overwhelmed upon my return!  In the week that I have known you, I have now experienced your Light and your Shadow side.  However, unlike other people who have been in your world and hurt you, who leave with a negative impression, who get angry back, who don't accept you for who you are, I still admire and respect you for who you are and wish you the absolute best!!!  

You will always have a place in my heart John [last name removed for privacy reasons].

God had us meet for a reason.  You came into my world and decided to walk out.  You are still a brother in Christ, and one who was used by God at a time in my life when I needed it most.  I am grateful!  You have a choice of what you want just as much as I do.  I will always be someone you can reach out to, have as a friend by your side, one to encourage, listen, support and inspire you...if you want that, then I am here to be a friend.  If you continue to maintain that you don't have time for my friendship and are not interested in a relationship, I completely understand that John.  I truly expect nothing from you.  I didn't force myself into your life before and I will never force myself into your life in the future.

God loves you no matter what you have faced in your past or no matter how your past haunts you.  God has taken every last bit of it and removed it as far as the east is from the west!  Just as I have experienced my own crap, you have yours.  However it doesn't define you any more than it defines me.  You are a Warrior Prince of God!  No matter the fears you have in connecting with people on Facebook because of your past, you are a new creator, living in the abundance of God's blessings and this shows by the choices you have made in your life.  No matter the pain that comes up from attempting to get to know a girl or the confusion, frustration, or fears you have in making a commitment to a girl, you are still an awesome guy.  God will use this all in your life to shape your journey.  I will continue to pray that some girl may come into your world and help you on your journey as you have helped me.  I pray that you can find your soulmate and that she gives you a special place in her heart!

Even though this experience has brought emotional pain for me, I am not going to back down on my commitment to be 100% completely open, authentic, honest and bare my soul in all my relationships, both personally and business wise...whether in person or online...and continue to work through my extreme intense crap and fears.  I will never back down from doing this no matter the outcome as I am determined to be ME and to live courageously, be generous, and be loving! 

I am deeply thankful for the day you gave me.  I am thankful for the things you shared with me and the words you spoke to my soul.  I will never forget your listening ear, your kind heart, your generous spirit.  I will always remember your definition of FEAR = Fuck Everything and Relax.  I will remember how fun it was to shop with a guy (I had never done that with someone outside of my brother).  I will always remember your beautiful intense blue eyes, how handsome you looked in a baseball hat, and how wonderful it was to be embraced by you.  I will remember the street sign "Lucky John" and the other God moments of our day.  And I will always remember "No, its not styled enough for me!".  I will be forever grateful for you sharing two audio books with me and your Personal Affirmations.  I will never be able to see a "1" or "11" or "1:11" or "11:11" without thinking of who I learned that from.  You will always be the guy I had my first beer with!  You made my 1st Date an amazing experience!!!

I will always regret not having my picture with you.  I will always regret not sharing my thoughts with you on the couch in the lobby of the hotel.  I will always regret that I didn't pray with you before we parted ways.  

You will always be a true friend in my heart, John [last name removed for privacy reasons].

With deep gratitude for allowing God to use you in my life,  I Thank You John for everything!!!


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