Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Dating Questions: Are you okay with sex being apart of the relationship before marriage?

There are various topics that have to be covered in the process of actively getting to know someone on a date.  Some of these questions must be addressed prior to meeting and some of them come up as you get to know each other.  One of these questions is your viewpoint on sex.  

I had been told by many close friends that in today's society, most men require sex to be apart of the relationship to get to know each other and that it will be an encounter prior to marriage, many even want this on the first date.  I figured this was the case for the majority, but probably less for someone who was a Christian, at least until the relationship was in a point of commitment.  I figured those that truly in their heart and mind that wanted to follow God, completely, would set boundaries and agree that this would be apart of the relationship the night they are married.  

That's an assumption that I have learned I am wrong about.  Very wrong on this viewpoint about how people look at it as right and wrong.

I am not ignorant to the fact that men like sex.  I am not oblivious to the fact that it is a big dynamic of the relationship between a man and a woman.  I just simply am completely blown away as to the reasons why people think that it is permissible to make this a part of the evaluation of a dating relationship.

I had more than one guy say to me, I just have to admit to you that I love sex.  Really love sex.  I have to be honest, the first one that told me this, I really wanted to be extremely sarcastic and respond by saying and don't all guys?  You think you are unique?  Ugh.  I didn't.  Instead I calmly responded and said: I am sure you do and I can understand that.  However, it is my hearts purpose to not engage in that activity with the guys I date.  I will, with the one man and love of my life, nobody else.  

Though each of the guys I have been on dates with have expressed that they find this attractive and immensely desirable that I have not been with a man (other than my one and only experience of being raped at 17), but yet almost all of them want their cake and eat it too.  It doesn't work like that.  You can't admire the fact that I have boundaries and think that I will violate them just for you.

I had one of the guys I went on a date with tell me that "Sex is wrong, Making Love is not."  Wow!  So when do we get to put our own definition on this above God's?  When do we get to say there are levels to moral conduct that make it right or wrong?  When do we get to justify our intentions about whether its love or lust to make this utmost engagement of connection in a relationship okay?  God says that marriage is undefiled.  God didn't say dating was undefiled.  

This same guy told me that this is an important aspect as it is training before you get married.  Really?  Since when do we get all the training needed in and for marriage prior to getting married?  Oh please! God help me!!!

What do these guys do with Romans 13:14, make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. I guess that verse doesn't apply to sex?  Or am I the one who is wrong to apply this verse to sex?  What about Proverbs 5?

This same guy said that he wishes that I will keep this in mind when I am with Mr. Right and then describes via text a lengthy description of a passionate moment between Me and Mr. Right and states that this is when that gets difficult.  My response?  "I get that.  I also believe with all my heart that when you violate God's rules you pay the price.  Sin is easy.  Giving in isn't hard.  Holding to truth and boundaries is what brings peace and a clear conscious.  It also creates trust.  It builds a strong relationship.  It creates character."  [Yes, this is the exact text I sent him back.]

I had one guy tell me that you have to have sex to know if there is a connection.  Really?  If you don't connect with me before sex is a dynamic in the relationship, you think it will suddenly just show up there?  You evidently don't get how women are wired, if you truly believe this.  You won't connect with me during or after if it doesn't exist before.  Promise.  Connection is only enhanced in this engagement.  It is the most intimate experience in the relationship.  Not saying it can't happen, but I don't want to connect with you just during sex.  

I have had several friends encourage me to not have sex before marriage.  I have appreciated the reinforcement of my boundary and the concerns for this aspect of the relationship, not just because of my fears to overcome through this, but because of the fact they know I love God with all my heart and want the best for me and the man of my dreams.  If I ever have a man of my dreams in my world.  And yes, I say if because I don't know that dating is going to be something I continue or that I will find a man of my dreams.  God is the only one who knows the answer to that.

In one of these conversations that I had with one of my guy friends, there was an interesting twist when I explained that it would be a deal breaker for me if this was a requirement of the relationship.  I told him that I have let each guy know that when it is presented in conversation.  He then said, "But don't reject a guy if he wants sex.  Guys don't like rejection."  I laughed!!!  For reals???  How can you be so crazy to think like that?  How can you have that perspective that it's best not to but yet don't turn away a man?  I know that guys don't like rejection and holding to my boundary isn't rejection of him, it is a belief of mine.  If the guy feels rejection, then he will take it as rejection because he is taking it personal instead of realizing that it would apply to any and all guys I am dating, not just him.  It's a boundary that I will keep and enforce and that means if you expect sex to be apart of the dating relationship we clearly are not a fit.  Do I expect you will want it?  Absolutely!  Is it possible for you to believe that sex before marriage is okay but will honor my boundaries because you desire to get to know me for me and love me that much?  Yah, that is probably possible.  All I can say is you would earn my respect for having listened to me and understood me about what is important to me and why.  The guys that are not willing to do this don't stand a chance at creating a lasting relationship with me.  And no, I don't feel bad about having this boundary.  It weeds out the frogs or as a mentor of mine says, the lumps of coal.

Though dating is a horribly hard experience to have to go through on so many levels, all I can say is the red flags and signs that come up that you are not on the same page are there for a reason.  Do not ignore them.  Do not give in to persuasive talk.  Remember your core beliefs and why you hold to them.  If you get questioned about something and feel maybe your viewpoint is wrong, stop and pray.  Seek advice. Study the passages.  Read books.  Do your research.  But do not be afraid of Deal Breakers.  Stay true to your heart and mind and God will give you peace in the decisions as you have to make them.  And don't let guys try to break you down by making you feel inferior because of your boundaries.  The are just trying to get what they want and are not willing to do without for selfish reasons.

Your belief (and requirement for a dating relationship) that sex before marriage is okay and an expectation that you want from the relationship, is a Deal Breaker for me.  Which means there will be no further dates with you because it is not a boundary that you can honor and I am not playing games.  I am not going to put myself in a position to have to adhere to something my heart doesn't believe in.  At the same time, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that facing this with guys has not been easy.  One guy told me that I need to get out of the kiddie pool and jump into the deep end.  He has no clue how much I have jumped into the deep end as it is!  This much I will say though, their reaction and response to my belief has only made my belief stronger that it is the right thing to do.

What do you believe about sex before marriage?  How would you handle this in the dating scene?  

[Edit added later after post was published:  A friend was concerned that from the statements I made in this post that I am implying that Woman don't like sex like men do.  This was not the way I meant the statements nor do I believe that Woman don't.  Yes, I come from a space of having a one time bad experience and therefore I might not have your perspective that this is an enjoyable experience but I truly believe it can be and should be and will be in my future!]

1 comment:

  1. Agreed. Just because "everyone" is doing it (in many guy's personal views) doesn't mean that it is what God desires. And besides...God has stated what he desires, as you wrote here. When I have an understanding or belief which is contrary to God's view, I am the one who is mistaken.

    I appreciate that you are staying with what you know to be true on this topic. The caution we took in our courtship (chapparones, caution about touching) helped tremendously to keep us pure. If we had had sex before we married we would have been devastated afterward. And not because our 'culture' required chastity, but because our God did. Passion within marriage is beautiful! God's way works!!