Saturday, June 14, 2014

Dating Questions: How do you know if it's his personality or he just isn't that into you?

Some days I think that Dating brings up more questions than answers.  How do you find the answers?  Some things aren't a morality issue or based off a principal from God.  Is time the only answer that divulges the truth?

My personality is very intuitive, introspective, observant, passionate, courageous, determined, and loving.  I show up this way in every way in life, and dating has not been an exception to this.  In this process of putting myself out there to connect with men and get to know them, I am finding that some things are simply Men vs Woman, aka Mars vs Venus differences, but at other times they are simply personality differences.  

These differences are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are opposites.  We tend to make the way a guy thinks vs the way a girl thinks right vs wrong.  What if we did more to understand that both are right, neither is wrong and learn to accept the differences and appreciate that each aspect of the differences allows us to connect in a way that we wouldn't have if we were the same?  What if we tried to create a relationship that was a blend of both?  One that enhanced the strengths of each person?

But how do you know when its a personality difference vs a guy that just isn't that into you?  How do you figure out the man code and male language for what it is and not miss the meaning that he is trying to send you without having to ask a pointed question that makes him feel you are criticizing him?  Or putting him on the spot?  Without making him feel you are questioning his every move?  Without making him feel he has to commit to a relationship when you know that he is trying to figure things out just as much as you are?  Some days trying to listen to the clues and figure out the answers is more challenging than it seems.

The challenge is to communicate through them and not push the other person out the door.  I am a communicator.  I will share my thoughts, my heart, my feelings with you. I will ask questions, lots of questions.  I generally don't find this very hard to do, even on difficult topics.  When I do, I stop and pray and take a deep breath.  I want you to do the same, communicate and ask questions.  You may not communicate as I do and I am fine that you don't, just as long as communication happens so that I can learn to understand you.  My goal isn't to communicate to push you away but to draw you closer.  To connect on a level that makes you feel understood, loved and respected.  

The challenge is to be patient.  When I say be patient, I mean to be willing to let life happen to create enough opportunities for you to follow a pattern, not a one time incident to come to a conclusion about something.  I am a problem solver.  I don't let issues lay on the table.  I want resolution.  The challenge will be to exercise more patience and let what should be, be.  Sometimes that means when I want to address something, I have to let it ride because a guy may not be ready for that and it might not be time to ask him to be ready for that.  I am not desperate or in a rush to find my man, but I am also not interested in making something complicated or dragging something out that isn't meant to be a part of my life.  Knowing how much time to give something and let it ride is a learning experience.  Learning when is the right time to address something, question, or get clarification is a difficult thing with men.

The challenge is to remember that they have lived a life alone just like you and adjusting to having someone in your personal space takes time, no matter how much you enjoy each others company.  There will need to be space given to move into a space of singleness to deep connection, if that is meant to happen.  It means there are times the relationship is going to need space so that you can figure out what is important to you and what you really want.  Both parties understanding this is a critical element to a healthy relationship.

The challenge is to remember that the goal of dating is to figure out if you are compatible.  If you enjoy spending time with each other.  If the initial attraction is something that you want to grow deeper.  If both parties walk the talk [what they say and what they do align].  To understand what their story is.  If you can embrace this person for where they are, willing to understand that we all have brokenness and they want to be loved just as much as you do, then you will be a fit.  To figure out these answers you have to date.

Another challenge is to see if they follow through with what they say they are going to do.  And when they don't, give them a chance to explain why.  Sometimes things happen in life to intervene and they are not able to follow through on what they said they were going to do.  Sometimes they truly forget.  Other times they have no intention of keeping their word and you will find that out by the explanation they give you.  You have to understand that the only way you will figure this out is to let the circumstances be what they will be and accept what they tell you is the reason and let them show you they are at the core.  They will.  You will figure out patterns and know if they are being honest with you.

The challenge is to figure out if he just thinks you are cute or if he likes you completely, the whole package you bring to the table.  When you want them to understand, love and accept you for you its hard to believe that some people only care about one aspect and that the other characteristics are not important to them, but sometimes cute is as deep as they want to get with you.  You can't lose focus and dismiss these things or you will have a relationship void of the true connection you desire.

I have not read the book, He's Just Not That Into You...but maybe I might give me more answers to understanding men and the dilemmas of dating.  For now, I am reading Getting the Love You Want, Boundaries in Dating, and Mars and Venus on a Date.  

What tips would you give me to understand the clues of a man?  Any books you have found helpful in moving into the male and female relationship?  Any way you look to understand his personality vs the male dynamics as God created them?

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